Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[LuluLovesDisney]

I get asked a lot about kids. I am 38 and have been married to my DH for 11 years. We don't get the question as often anymore but we still get it.

I even had someone ask me why we even bothered getting married if we aren't going to have kids.

On our recent Disney Cruise we also encoutered the question along with what I considered rudeness. While we were eating in Palo, the couple sitting at the table next to us asked us "Are your kids in the clubs, too?". We replied "We don't have children". And the guy said "oh what do you have dogs or cats or something" then laughed. His wife kinda gasped at his rude remark. I couldn't believe it.

He seems a good example of the saying "It's better to be silent and be thought a fool, then to open one's mouth and remove all doubt".

 

[TDC Nala]

I guess it is different when someone gives you the " boy are you wierd" look for not liking rollercoasters than it is when someone gives you that same look for not wanting to have children.

Sure! There's no societal expectation that you ought to like rollercoasters. Hey, maybe there should be. I love rollercoasters.

 

[PrincessKitty]

I get asked a lot about kids. I am 38 and have been married to my DH for 11 years. We don't get the question as often anymore but we still get it.

I even had someone ask me why we even bothered getting married if we aren't going to have kids.

On our recent Disney Cruise we also encoutered the question along with what I considered rudeness. While we were eating in Palo, the couple sitting at the table next to us asked us "Are your kids in the clubs, too?". We replied "We don't have children". And the guy said "oh what do you have dogs or cats or something" then laughed. His wife kinda gasped at his rude remark. I couldn't believe it.

I always say, "Yeah, I think people have kids as a substitute for pets."

 

[PrincessKitty]

Just had to jump in and say, even having kids will not prevent this sort of question...

"So, when are you guys going to have another baby?"

I feel your pain. So far as I know the only right way to respond to rudeness is not to. I am not a hardliner, though, I do roll my eyes (follwed by the arched brow) whenever I get that question.

Yes! I have friend in her early 30s who just had a baby (her first, not her husband's first), and people are CONSTANTLY asking her this. She wants another baby and her husband is reluctant, so this could be a painful question. Why would anybody ask a question that could cause pain? I guess we all don't always think before we ask questions!

 

[PrincessKitty]

Why is this considered such a deep and personal question? Is it any more deep and personal than asking a couple if they are planning on buying a house?

Uh, yeah, it's just a tiny bit more personal than asking if a couple is planning to buy a house.

 

[taswira]

Some people think couples who choose not to have children are being "selfish." Why is that? To be selfish is to consider one's self over others, in a way that might hurt or deprive others. Choosing not to have kids is in no way selfish. After all, the world is not under-populated. It will not suffer for the lack of those children we and others choose not to have.

I had a large part in raising my nephew - took him to Disneyland every weekend when he was growing up, was his Cub Scout den mother, walked him to school, etc. So it isn't like I had anything against children. But my lifestyle involves a lot of travel (including international) by choice. From the time I was about 12, I knew I did not want to have children. Disney, character meals and encounters, Disney cruises? - Been there, done that, will keep doing it as long as possible and I LOVE it! I don't have to live my life through a child, because I can still view life with childlike wonder. I guess spending so much time at WDW does that to me.

What bugs me is when someone asks if I have any kids (or assumes I do) and when I say "No - no kids" they remark, "I'm sorry." I reply, "Sorry for what? It was my choice and I am supremely happy! I hope you are happy with your choice as well."

 

[Ember]

1st, I am not arugeing with your choice, but it sounds like most of the answer given at based in self centernedness and imaturiety. (I like doing what I want, I still am kid or married to one, I don't want to give up my currenlty lifestyle for chidlren, I like being able to what I want and not have to think about kids or be resonsible for them........) All very good reasons not to have kids.

While I agree with the sentiment of this, that these ARE good reasons not to have kids, I disagree strongly that all people who don't want children are self-centered and immature. Nor do I think everyone who has children is mature and giving.

I think far too many people have chidren without really thinking it through. They do it because there's an expectation from society (ie: you get married and then have kids), or because it happens accidentally. And far too often it's not what they really wanted. How often do you hear laments from parents over the things they didn't do? ("I always wanted to backpack across Europe," or "if I could go back I would make different choices.") This isn't to say this makes bad parents by any means, but I do think it indicates a subtle resentment that their lives are no longer theirs. (I also don't think most parents would ever admit to this, becuase they do love their kids.) But how many parents are divoriced becauce one of them couldn't handle having kids, how it changed the relationship, or wanted their lives back?

I think people who decide to have children make the best parents when they've thought about it and are fully ready to commit to it. For the rest of your life you have to joyfully put someone else's needs and desires ahead of your own. To not desire to to so does not make someone self-centered or immature (anymore than not donating every cent you make to charity makes you greedy), but to have children without fully knowing what you're getting into is very irresponsible.

And as to the idea of parents not understanding why not everyone wants to share their "joy" in raising kids... I've known some pretty un-happy people who are parents...

 

[DisneyPhD]

While I agree with the sentiment of this, that these ARE good reasons not to have kids, I disagree strongly that all people who don't want children are self-centered and immature. Nor do I think everyone who has children is mature and giving.

I think far too many people have chidren without really thinking it through. They do it because there's an expectation from society (ie: you get married and then have kids), or because it happens accidentally. And far too often it's not what they really wanted. How often do you hear laments from parents over the things they didn't do? ("I always wanted to backpack across Europe," or "if I could go back I would make different choices.") This isn't to say this makes bad parents by any means, but I do think it indicates a subtle resentment that their lives are no longer theirs. (I also don't think most parents would ever admit to this, becuase they do love their kids.) But how many parents are divoriced becauce one of them couldn't handle having kids, how it changed the relationship, or wanted their lives back?

I think people who decide to have children make the best parents when they've thought about it and are fully ready to commit to it. For the rest of your life you have to joyfully put someone else's needs and desires ahead of your own. To not desire to to so does not make someone self-centered or immature (anymore than not donating every cent you make to charity makes you greedy), but to have children without fully knowing what you're getting into is very irresponsible.

And as to the idea of parents not understanding why not everyone wants to share their "joy" in raising kids... I've known some pretty un-happy people who are parents...

1st, I need to say that I totally agree with you. I became at parent at age 30 and was very ready for the changes and sacrafices parenthood has bought into my life. I am very grateful that I had time before becoming a parent to focus on my educaiton, marriage and what I wanted to do.

I still stand by my comment, but I wish I could explain it better (ever since typing it.) It isn't that people who chose not to become a parent are selfish, it is the reasons often given to other people sound self centered and therefore can be precived as "not yet ready" to be a parent, or reasons that can change as your mature. More that the common explainations given to others sounds selfish. (I don't want to give up my current life style where I am the center of my life and I enjoy it.) If that is the way you feel, then you are not ready for kids (and may or may not ever be.) Many people who once felt that way, no longer do.

As I said before, it is better to be aware of it and choose not to have children, then become a parent for the wrong reasons and be unhappy about it.

I do not want to judge anyone who choose not to become a parent, just trying to shed some light on why people may continue to questions them. (I myself don't.)

 

[tlbwriter]

I hate it when people say "We don't want to have kids because we're too selfish." It is not selfish to enjoy the life you're living and have no desire to change it. Selfishness hurts others. Deciding not to have children doesn't hurt anybody (except parents who whine about how you're not going to give them grandchildren).

Someone brought this issue up in a different group a long time ago, and one man chastized those who chose not to have children. He insisted they should all have children, even the ones who said they weren't having any because (a) they seriously disliked children, or (b) they liked children but knew they would be bad parents. He said you need to have children so someone will love you (as if you're so unloveable now, you have to reproduce to make someone who finds you loveable) and so someone will take care of you in your own age! Now that, I think, is supremely selfish.

 

[taswira]

More that the common explainations given to others sounds selfish. (I don't want to give up my current life style where I am the center of my life and I enjoy it.) If that is the way you feel, then you are not ready for kids (and may or may not ever be.) Many people who once felt that way, no longer do.

Many people in this world who never have children (whether by choice or fate) spend their lives giving their time to others and contributing to the world in their own special way. They are certainly not selfish - in fact perhaps they are less selfish than some of those who must by necessity focus primarily on their own family.

We all have our purpose in life. Many are prepared to be good parents and that is what they choose. Others become parents by accident or they choose that path because it is expected of them. Sometimes at WDW it seems easy to tell those who were "born to be parents" from those who feel they are "sacrificing" for what they perceive as "normal" (raising a family). Having kids or not is not what determines if one is selfish. If one's hard work benefits others, they contribute to improve their community and the environment, and they enhance the lives of their friends, they are not selfish.

And yes - Having children to not be alone in old age is something almost every parent I know has eventually mentioned to me. Well here's some news - - Not all children outlive their parents, and not all children would devote their lives to their elderly parents either.

 

[adamak]

I too am married for 8 years and no kids. Not much desire either. If it happens, great. If it doesn't, fine with me too. I don't mind people asking if we have kids. I do get annoyed when the same people from family, or at work asking me the same thing every month. One relative even asked, in group dinner, if something is wrong with DH.

My answer to those rude question is always : "No, I don't need a kid to justify my existence, unlike some of you".

 

[Misty89]

Just had to jump in and say, even having kids will not prevent this sort of question...

"So, when are you guys going to have another baby?"

I feel your pain. So far as I know the only right way to respond to rudeness is not to. I am not a hardliner, though, I do roll my eyes (follwed by the arched brow) whenever I get that question.

HI

i wanted to reply to this ....i feel the same way. I married and have 2 children, DD13 and DD 6 ( yes, eight years) DD was spose to be an only child. We did not plan on another baby, but at 25 i had DD#2. We love them both very much
But within 1 year of DD# 2, i had that dept closed for good at 26, I did not want to have anymore children, for sure not a " late in life" baby ( like 35, or older )
But i know all to well that say "so, when you going to give ____ a sisiter or brother?, " she'll be a good big sister", I simply say that dept is closed and that normally shuts them up. I also sometimes add, that My youngest child will be 18 and i will be 43, I know some moms who are that age and have 2 or 3 Under 10

so hang in there, and mabye if you get angry enough, tell them to Shut up

 

[lookingforward]

This thread has been so interesting! People will never stop asking endless questions...why no kids?...when will you have more kids? Don't you want a girl after your boy?, etc. etc. I wish they would realize how much of an intrusion it is. For us, the questions have finally ended for the most part. We have three kids, two boys and a girl. My first was at 29, my last at 37. I was asked "when will you give your son a sibling?"...then when I had my second son I was asked
"are you going to try for a girl?" (as if a boy would somehow be a failure). When I had my daughter people actually judged me for having a baby after 35..."aren't you worried about your age?" of my personal favorite "are you going to have an amnio? What will you do if there is something wrong with the baby??". I still can't believe that question!
Now, I am in my mid forties and am busy dealing with a teen, a pre teen and a first grader. NOBODY asks me anything anymore...except once in a while they say "you must be so tired, how do you do it??". To which I answer "well..drinking helps" That shuts them up. HA!

 

[DisneyPhD]

Many people in this world who never have children (whether by choice or fate) spend their lives giving their time to others and contributing to the world in their own special way. They are certainly not selfish - in fact perhaps they are less selfish than some of those who must by necessity focus primarily on their own family.

We all have our purpose in life. Many are prepared to be good parents and that is what they choose. Others become parents by accident or they choose that path because it is expected of them. Sometimes at WDW it seems easy to tell those who were "born to be parents" from those who feel they are "sacrificing" for what they perceive as "normal" (raising a family). Having kids or not is not what determines if one is selfish. If one's hard work benefits others, they contribute to improve their community and the environment, and they enhance the lives of their friends, they are not selfish.

And yes - Having children to not be alone in old age is something almost every parent I know has eventually mentioned to me. Well here's some news - - Not all children outlive their parents, and not all children would devote their lives to their elderly parents either.

Ok, I am getting a little tried of getting missqouted and people seeing the word selfish and jumping on it that I think people who don't have kids are selfish. Please read the whole posts (there has been a number through out this thread before jumping to that.)

My older brother and his wife have been trying to have children, unsucessfully. He is also a epidemiologest (I can only hope I spelled that right) and his lives work is dedicated to finding and testing a vacination for aids. I was just talking to him about how he may or may not ever produced a child with his gentic make up (what they would like) but his work may save countless lives that that is monunmental. He mentioned that Abe Lincon never ended up having any decentents because his children died with out having child of there own, but he has a legacy that continues. I could not agree more with your comments about that topic.

Sorry if I sounded snotty, I just am getting tried of people jumping on a word, with out reading the whole content of the statement. I never said choosing not to have children is selfish, nor do I think it. I don't think anyone on this thead has said that, so maybe it has been too civil and people need a devils adovate.

 

[taswira]

Ok, I am getting a little tried of getting missqouted and people seeing the word selfish and jumping on it that I think people who don't have kids are selfish.

Please forgive me if you misunderstood. My post was not personally directed at you. The reason I quoted you was to cite your quote of others saying "I don't want to give up my current life style where I am the center of my life and I enjoy it." My comments were a general statement for everyone to ponder, not a personal attck. I was not implying that you think those choosing not to have children are selfish, but that there are many people who do.

 

[DisneyPhD]

Please forgive me if you misunderstood. My post was not personally directed at you. The reason I quoted you was to cite your quote of others saying "I don't want to give up my current life style where I am the center of my life and I enjoy it." My comments were a general statement for everyone to ponder, not a personal attck. I was not implying that you think those choosing not to have children are selfish, but that there are many people who do.

sorry, I got a little bent out of joint. People keep refering to it, and I just want to be clear that I don't think people who don't want kids are selfish. It is hard to explain my fine line of it commonly being preceived as selfish often by others.

 

[Disney Doll]

My little sidenote is, I believe the reason people keep asking is because having children is so completely wonderful, they "expect" other's would want them.

I will preface my remarks by saying that DH & I would have loved to have children, but we were unable to.

That being said, I have been acquainted with many children of varying ages which would lead me to believe that having children is not completely wonderful. It is a huge sacrifice, a great deal of work, a lot of time & effort, and, quite frankly, you don't know what the result will be!

The woman across the street from my DSIL who's son has been in & out of jail...I doubt she thinks it's completely wonderful.

My DSIL, who has 2 children we call the "Spawn of Satan"...and we are being kind...well, she may think having children is completely wonderful, but there is no one else in the world who has met her children who would agree.

The mother of the teenage girl who sneaks out every night to hang with the wrong crowd, fights with her mother, comes home pregnant...another vote for not completely wonderful.

I could go on and on, but you get my drift.

In any event, to the OP...your choices are yours (and your SO's) and no one else's. If all else fails, look the person in the eye and say "Do you have any idea how rude it is to comment upon or discuss my personal business? How about we discuss what your yearly income is instead, if we are all going to be sharing personal information?"

That tends to effectively shut people up.

 

[WDWguru]

Jumping into this thread a little late, but I must say it's nice to see, since the childfree check-in thread seems to have been derailed by those who don't get what that term means.

I knew from about 11 that I didn't want kids. I babysat once, aside from my sister, and hated it. While I love taking neices and nephews to WDW, I'm always very glad for them to go home when it's over (and grandparents always come along for help).

Thought I always felt that way, about two years ago I sat down and just really thought it through. I had to search my soul and decide how I really felt. The conclusion I came to was that unless I really, truly, deeply wanted children, I shouldn't have them. I basically confirmed the feelings I already had.

I'd much rather regret not having children than have children I regret.

 

[Ride Junkie]

I'm a little late on this thread too, but had to jump in. I get that question a lot too. My husband and I just got married in June, but we've been together 8 years. The minute the ring goes on - BAM! Then starts the baby inquisition. People have no idea about your fertility, which could be very offensive to some. In our case, we like being 'the kids' and being able to pack up & go on a trip whenever we want, without having to worry about child care. We're still not planning to have any. I've dragged two of my nieces along to Disneyland -- never again!! It's exhausting enough when it's just the two of us!

When people ask me if we're having kids, I usually reply, "Nah, we're getting a dog instead." This usually makes people laugh, and they tend to stop prying.

 

[rigs32]

If everyone is occupied raising the next generation, who's living life today?

Anyone else planning to attend the No Kidding convention in Toronto next June?