Married to a golf addict and hating it!

[Antonia]

I have been married for nearly 24 years and did not marry a golfer - he became one later. Now we are empty nesters and he golfs more than ever. We are basically happy together, except I feel that my life is on hold waiting to see if he's golfing or waiting until he gets done golfing. We can't make plans unless it is around his golfing.
We have a beautiful new boat and it will be 80 degrees Sunday, but we can't take it out because he's golfing in a two-day tournament (saturday and sunday). So I am planning on learning how to take it out myself without having to depend on him - not this weekend, but for future weekends. I'm not spending my summer looking at a boat that can't go on the water. I don't want to grow old sitting here waiting for him to get off the golf course.
On May 19, I'm driving to Charleston without him to see the tall ships come in. I've always wanted to see them and I'm not going to wait to see if he can go. I am so tired of waiting to see if they're playing (and they usually are) before I make plans of my own. He spends his weekends off golfing and I spend mine here at home waiting on him to get off the golf course.
Don't get me wrong - he's a good husband - he provides and he even opens the car door for me. But damn I hate golf!!!

 

[mommasita]

Do you golf? If you can not beat him, join him. I have to tell you, I hate golf, My father would rather golf than breathe, and I saw enough of that, BUT, I would not sit waiting, or miss out on anything, I would do it alone, or with a friend.

 

[SillyMe]

I feel your pain. Not golf, but I now hate racing after having to eat, live and breathe the sport for 11 years. It's the main reason for killing my relationship.

 

[countingthedays]

I worked for a few golf club companies. I am not a golfer, but I saw the obsession that people have with it and how it can take over your life. That said, I also think for the average person the passion to play wanes in time, and perhaps this will be true for your DH and you two will start doing other things again.

Do you have any interest in it? Take a few classes and go join him and have a good time!

 

[betsywdw]

I know what you're feeling! DH is obsessed with golf. Luckily here he cannot golf all year b/c of the weather but once spring hits, look out! Golf is very time consuming and not the cheapest sport. I have tried a few times and I really do not enjoy it so it's not something I will be doing with him. Just wanted you to know I feel your pain.

 

[soccerfreak_08]

Time to get a Wii...

 

[pearlieq]

Have you talked to him about this? Perhaps setting up a golf-free day during the week or blocking off some golf-free weekends would help create a better balance.

I'd say you're on the right track by making plans for yourself. No sense spending your life waiting around on him to get home. Plus, once you're not sitting around waiting for him, maybe he'll realize he misses you and be more willing to compromise.

 

[Pigeon]

My sympathies. My father was a golfer and two of my brothers are golfers. No way, no how would I have married a golfer. I understand your pain. I don't know how my mother and SILs stand it. And if dh ever thinks he's going to become a convert, he's got another guess coming!

 

[Antonia]

I have golfed with him a few times in the past, but I did not really enjoy it. I just don't get spending all that time on a golf course. It's not for me.

I do think if I make plans for myself rather than just sit here waiting on him to get home, I'll feel better and maybe he will realize that I am out there living life while he is playing the same 18 holes with the same guys - over and over and over.

I think that's what makes me hate golf the most - waiting on him and not making any plans for myself - the weekend comes and woohoo!!!! More golf!

Today he got up at 4:50 a.m. to get the boat ready to take it out today after he plays golf - he has an earlier tee time today than tomorrow. So we are taking the boat out which makes me happy, but still planning around golf. He's trying to fit it all in - I mean who gets up at 4:50 a.m.to get a boat ready?????? But he's singing while he's doing it. So today I will wait once again and when he's done, we'll take the boat out.

 

[ducklite]

My DH is a golfer, but I've got hobbies of my own. I either do something I want to do, or get together with friends.

Maybe you need to make an agreement that he can play golf "X" number of weekend days per month, and that the other days you do things together.

Anne

 

[shortbun]

Gosh, it sure seems like he's trying to please you as well as himself. Many golf widows sit around waiting for their spouses to leave the 19th hole, if ya catch my drift. As far as making your own plans, you should do it. You should absolutely do what you want and when you want. My mother sat and waited for my Dad to finish hunting, fishing, golfing and drinking. She tried to make her own plans and he objected; she went anyway a few times. My Dad died this winter. My Mom isn't able to just go anymore because she's older and less energetic. She wishes she hadn't done so much waiting. She never got to see Tuscany...

Ask for one weekend a month to be golf free. I would.

 

[PirateKitty]

I don't mind that DF has a hobby like golf, auto-crossing, fish tank building, etc. I know where he's at, and I don't have to worry about him getting into any "trouble". Not that I don't trust him, but its easy to feel neglected when he has a hobby outside of spending time with me . The easiest thing I've found is to either join him and learn about what interests him, and if I get bored, I find something to do on my own. Yes, it stinks not being able to spend quality time with him doing something I'd rather do, but if it keeps him happy then I'm ok with it. We have different work schedules, and I only get one day a week with him. I'm about to lose that one day to auto-crossing. I love him, and his hobbies come with the package. I can accept that. Plus it gives me time to spend quality time with friends and family members that I don't see often.

Sorry you feel golf is getting in the way. Have you thought about joining him every now and then?

 

[golfgal]

We are lucky that we all enjoy golf, I golf more then DH even. I have to say that you have two choices, take up golf to spend more time with him if you want or find something to do while he golfs. I don't think it is fair to ask him to stop golfing because YOU don't like it although setting aside one day/week for the two of you is reasonable.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think you are on the right track making your own plans and living your own life seperate from his.

If you have a close knit group of friends I recommend that you make plans with them.

 

[DMickey28]

My DH is a golfer and I grew up with my brother as a golfer. My brother is a PGM professional and playing with one of the tours right now. It's a tough life.

I knew DH was a golfer though when I married him. When we lived in IL and IN he worked out of the house and he golfed at least four days a week. Obviously he couldn't golf all year round but he made up for it!!! Now we live in S. Florida and he works at an office. We made a pact a few years ago. He gets one weekend day to play golf either morning or afternoon. If he wants to play a second time we discuss it. Sometimes he will play on a Friday afternoon after work and that's fine. When he played in IL or IN we had a similar pact. One weekend day and if he wanted to play a second time then we discussed it, he was very considerate of my time. He also always made sure he was home by an appropriate time if he was playing in the afternoon. Especially now with the baby coming, it's something that needs to be discussed and planned!! Today he is actually playing at 10:45AM which is really late for him and I am not crazy about that.

One thing that I LOVED to do was go with him and ride. I would bring a book and ride along. Granted in IN and IL he played with strangers so I wasn't invading on guy time. Now in S. Florida he is always playing with friends and I have yet to go along, though he asks me to. I enjoyed it a lot and miss that time.

I think that you NEED to talk to your husband. Things have changed in your life with the kids being gone and you both need to reorganize your time. Chances are that your DH will see you going out and doing your thing and think "Great, she is happy. More golf for me." I doubt men get the thoughts that we want them to get 99% of the time.

 

[freckles and boo]

I think it is completely reasonable to have him limit it to one weekend day or to tee times that have him home by one or two (no exceptions!!!). I agree that not waiting around for him and making your own plans can be healthy - but not all the time. Marriages can fall apart when people spend too much time doing their own things and obviously your resentment isn't good for the relationship, either. Good luck.

 

[Simba's Mom]

I have been married for nearly 24 years and did not marry a golfer - he became one later. Now we are empty nesters and he golfs more than ever. We are basically happy together, except I feel that my life is on hold waiting to see if he's golfing or waiting until he gets done golfing. We can't make plans unless it is around his golfing.
We have a beautiful new boat and it will be 80 degrees Sunday, but we can't take it out because he's golfing in a two-day tournament (saturday and sunday). So I am planning on learning how to take it out myself without having to depend on him - not this weekend, but for future weekends. I'm not spending my summer looking at a boat that can't go on the water. I don't want to grow old sitting here waiting for him to get off the golf course.
On May 19, I'm driving to Charleston without him to see the tall ships come in. I've always wanted to see them and I'm not going to wait to see if he can go. I am so tired of waiting to see if they're playing (and they usually are) before I make plans of my own. He spends his weekends off golfing and I spend mine here at home waiting on him to get off the golf course.
Don't get me wrong - he's a good husband - he provides and he even opens the car door for me. But damn I hate golf!!!

Another golf widow here! And another empty nester. It's almost 25 years since we got married-the difference with my situation is that DH was a golfer when we got married. However, he hardly ever golfed when the kids were little. But now! The way I've survived is that I leave plenty to do while he's gone-but not housework. I figure he's not working, so why should I? I tape shows and watch them while he's gone (I've often said that the VCR saved our marriage), I read a lot, I DIS. That's every Sunday(5 1/2 hours), almost every Saturday(usually about 4 1/2 hours), and Wednesday evening for a couple hours. And at least once a year he takes a multi-day vacation for golf-either a tournament or golfing on the Robert Trent Jones Trail in Alabama. He did buy me ladies golf clubs a few years ago, but then the second time out I saw a huge snake-wel, that ended my golfing career! Oh, tomorrow we leave for WDW, and he's got golf scheduled every day. So I go to the theme parks alone and take a solo trip to WDW at least once a year. We manage with his obsession, but I knew when I married him. Otherwise, it can be quite a shock.

 

[DaisyD]

My DH also took up golfing later on. I don't put my life on hold though. I make plans and that is it. He always asks if we have any plans before he books a tee time. I don't mind a bit. He says nothing about my numerous trips to WDW without him and I would never say anything about his golfing. He is going to Arizona next week for 9 days to golf. I am looking forward to the vacation myself even though I'm not going! LOL!

 

[dejavu]

I too am married to a golfer. About 20 years ago my Mom told me "You'll be very lonely when your kids are gone if you don't learn to play golf". I did learn and I must say DH and I have had alot of fun golfing and even though I am not athletically inclined I am a pretty good golfer. Golf courses are quiet, serene and beautiful. Maybe you should give it another go, try a resort course next time you take a trip. DH and I are going to WDW in November to celebrate our 25th- 5 days-5 courses! Seriously maybe it is worth a shot to give it another try. I say if you can't beat 'em join 'em!

 

[tluvstink]

Hello, I guess this is one club I can consider myself a member of. I married my DH 16 years ago. He started playing golf at a very young age and I knew where he would be spending his weekends. We live in an area where he can play practically year round. We spend Sunday afternoons watching golf on TV. And golf isn't like football or baseball. There isn't a season, there is a golf tournament somewhere every weekend But for the most part I don't mind. He is a great husband and father and needs to unwind on a regular basis. When it starts to get to me all I have to do is ask him to "take a weekend off" and he will

Terri