Marriage-relationships-trust issues

[teacups]

Have you ever went thru something with your SO that caused a trust or lack of trust issue? Are you able to let it go and never have to drag it up to the front of your mind again? I seem to drag it back up. Everytime I walk into the room, my hubby seems to closing a window on his computer. Always. Lightning fast fingers kind of thing... My mind wanders back to when he was having online chat with others. I want to believe him when he says he isnt, but I just dont. How can I NOT drag it back to my mind? I always hear how you should let the past be the past, but doesnt that set you up to get screwed in the end? Once someone lies to me, they are considered a liar forever. Is it just me? I dont lie. I dont cheat. I just want the same in return.

 

[grinningghost]

I'm not sure if you were around during my whole "DH/Text/Cell Phone call" drama - but to answer your question, yes. I've had the trust dilemma.

It took alot of talking, crying, screaming and more talking before we finally made it through that mess. My husband had what the media is now calling "an emotional affair" with a coworker. He denies that's what it was, but when I read the signs of an emotional affair, he fit the bill every step of the way.

I think we're on the road to recovery now, but I still have a hard time not thinking about it. He's worked very hard to regain my trust and so far, he has it.

If you're questioning what he's doing online, you need to look up his browsing history. Provided he hasn't erased it, you can find out what all those windows he's been closing are.

Good luck to you and keep us posted.

 

[epcotfan]

There are programs you can put on your computer that will record or retrieve keystrokes. You might want to look into that to verify what your husband is up to. You can always get rid of it once you get an idea of what is going on. Or you could simply ask him. My friend got a key logging program when she had a gut feeling he was cheating. Turns out he hadn't cheated but was creating personal ads trying to meet women.

 

[Pixie Tales]

You can also look in the History or the Cookies folder or even the Temporary Internet Folder, to see where he was. If he is deleting and clearing out all the History.. I'd start to worry..

Any chance he may just be planning a Surprise for you? Birthday?? Anniversary??

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes, I have. It is very hard for me too. I had to exercise alot of past demons.
If my dh closed screens when I walked into the room I would ask to see what he was doing.
Frankly, I would tell him to stop it. I would assume he is guilty of something.

 

[ILUVMYBRIT]

I think that if he is always closing out windows when you walk into a room, then its a little suspicious. Talk to him. Tell him you are uncomfortable with it.

 

[MushyMushy]

I don't think it's you in this case. It's up to HIM to regain your trust by his actions, and the only way for him to do that is to be an open book. Dr. Phil says that sort of thing, but I've believed that before he ever showed his face on TV.

It's been 8 years since my DH's online affairs and I completely trust him now. But that's only because HE did all the work to regain my trust. He stopped chatting completely, gave me all his passwords, and basically gave up all his privacy for however long it would take for me to trust him again. It was rough.

If your DH isn't being an open book with you, and if he's still closing windows, there's something he's ashamed of. It might be nothing. If that's the case, then he needs to work on trusting your reactions.

You didn't say, but how long has it been since the incident?

 

[OceanAnnie]

I agree with the other posters. IMO, you aren't dredging things up again when there is behavior that harkens back to the problem in the past. You are seeing current behavior and processing it.

I hope you can talk it over with your DH and get him to understand your POV. I hope you guys can iron it out.

 

[poohandwendy]

But that's only because HE did all the work to regain my trust. He stopped chatting completely, gave me all his passwords, and basically gave up all his privacy for however long it would take for me to trust him again.

I think this really illustrates what needs to be done when trust becomes a thorn in a marriage.

To the OP, I think something that is very important in this is how much open discussion went on when the trust issues started. Not the angry, upset part...but the part where you two actually openly talked about what happened. Were there boundaries and expectations discussed? That is really important, making sure you are both on the same page as to what is acceptable and what is not.

I would talk to your DH about this. It's not helpful to stew over it without being honest about how you are feeling. If there is nothing to hide, he should be receptive to discussing your fears and issues with trusting him.

I would just start with talking to him.

Good luck, I hope you can resolve this and regain trust totally with him.

 

[mickeyboat]

Yes, but it wasn't an affair issue, it was a financial issue. But it still really hurt me. DH made a large purchase he knew I was against, without my knowledge. He even told some lies about it before he did it.

He swears he thought I would be happy about it once he brought it home. I was devastated, and told him I thought we had the kind of marriage where we would agree on things like that, not make unilateral decisions. He actually offered to take the thing back, claiming he did not realize I would get so upset.

Since then, I have had some trouble with the financial aspects of our marriage, and still do to a certain extent. But he has not made a mistake like that again, and I think he has learned his lesson. He makes sure to discuss big purchases with me, and I have free access to all of our money.

Good luck to you, OP.
Denae

 

[teacups]

I'm going to throw a few replies out there to you folks, in hopes that you keep the suggestions coming.
We have our own laptops. He's techy. His office is at home, so this isnt happening where I can check on the computer for keystrokes or in history. It happens when I walk downstairs to do laundry or something, and he figures Im folding underwear, and stroll in to his office. He's done this crap forever. He had actual emotional affairs at first in our relationship, but NEVER admitted so we NEVER hashed it out. Later I flat out told him that was BS and I knew it, so he admitted it but said he wanted my trust, he knew it was wrong and never did it anymore... same old song and dance. I think he's always done this honestlty. But now, I am angry about it becasue it happened yesterday, and he's been acting that cheating-husband way. Distant. Not in the conversation. His head is somewhere else. It's for sure NOT a physical affair. He never leaves the house! But to me an emotional one is the same, and Ive told him that. He will lie when confronted... so what the use in asking? You know what I mean? How do you argue with "gut feeling?" with a liar?

 

[noseybuddy]

It's for sure NOT a physical affair. He never leaves the house! But to me an emotional one is the same, and Ive told him that. QUOTE]

I agree that it is the same. I wish I had some answers for you. I am the type of person that if I want to know something I nag till you break. Not the best way to be, but I usually get my answers.

 

[teacups]

Me too!!!!!!! But with this one issue, I always assume he's a lying dog and he always pleads innocnet. Nagging gets me nowhere on this. I hate liars.

 

[ohiominnie]

Dh taught me something recently as I was trying to deal with MIL. Of course, I knew the "don't use you statements" rule, but he taught me to put things in terms of "intent" and "perception."

For example, "It may not be your intent to hide things from me, but my perception when you close windows as I walk by is that there is something you don't want me to see."

I learned, the hard way, that when I perceive something one way, it may NOT be the same as the person intended. Hopefully MIL learned that too (b/c dh talked to her) Here's an example....

MIL was TICKED at me b/c I wore my shoes in her house the last time we went to visit. Her PERCEPTION of my actions was that I was being disrespectful and rude by not taking my shoes off. She thought it showed a lack of appreciation for the work they've done on their house. My INTENT was that my feet hurt terribly if I'm not wearing shoes. Even if I'm not walking around or on them, just sitting, without shoes, makes my feet hurt. So my INTENT was not to show disrespect. But her PERCEPTION was.
Unfortunately, a blow up occured b/c she thought her PERCEPTION was the way it was, and didn't consider my INTENT. Instead of asking my intent, she ASSUMED the worst and lashed out at me. It was very very ugly (and the shoes weren't the only issue....another issue was that the PERCEIVED my not using her bar soap in her bathroom as me shunning her hospitality. My INTENT was that we always use our own soap b/c of sensitive skin, and rarely use bar soap b/c of the gooey icky mess it leaves---and I didn't want to leave that for her---until she understood my INTENT, she PERCEIVED the situation as me being rude)

So, I'd say you definitely need to discuss this with your dh, but do not ASSUME you know what's going on. Rather approach it with how you perceive his actions.

Good luck!

 

[teacups]

Dh taught me something recently as I was trying to deal with MIL. Of course, I knew the "don't use you statements" rule, but he taught me to put things in terms of "intent" and "perception."

For example, "It may not be your intent to hide things from me, but my perception when you close windows as I walk by is that there is something you don't want me to see."

I learned, the hard way, that when I perceive something one way, it may NOT be the same as the person intended. Hopefully MIL learned that too (b/c dh talked to her) Here's an example....

MIL was TICKED at me b/c I wore my shoes in her house the last time we went to visit. Her PERCEPTION of my actions was that I was being disrespectful and rude by not taking my shoes off. She thought it showed a lack of appreciation for the work they've done on their house. My INTENT was that my feet hurt terribly if I'm not wearing shoes. Even if I'm not walking around or on them, just sitting, without shoes, makes my feet hurt. So my INTENT was not to show disrespect. But her PERCEPTION was.
Unfortunately, a blow up occured b/c she thought her PERCEPTION was the way it was, and didn't consider my INTENT. Instead of asking my intent, she ASSUMED the worst and lashed out at me. It was very very ugly (and the shoes weren't the only issue....another issue was that the PERCEIVED my not using her bar soap in her bathroom as me shunning her hospitality. My INTENT was that we always use our own soap b/c of sensitive skin, and rarely use bar soap b/c of the gooey icky mess it leaves---and I didn't want to leave that for her---until she understood my INTENT, she PERCEIVED the situation as me being rude)

So, I'd say you definitely need to discuss this with your dh, but do not ASSUME you know what's going on. Rather approach it with how you perceive his actions.

Good luck!

Thanks Ohiominnie. I know I am very weak in this area. I want what I want when I want it. I see what I see so it is. I still think he is "Full of it", but I will tackle this in your suggested way.

 

[grinningghost]

Oh my - this story sounds so much like mine.

My DH has never admitted he was having an emotional affair. He still, to this day, says it was never meant to be anything and it wasn't anything - but that's his take. Mine is quite different.

It took me forever and a day to get him to admit that if I thought it was wrong and it was making me upset that it must have been "something" - although he stops short of calling it any kind of affair.

I would not let the subject die until he talked to me and told me every last little detail of everything I wanted to know. I would suggest, and this worked well for me, to write him a letter. Slip it to him when you know he will see it and when you aren't around. Make sure you pour your heart out and ask every single question you can possibly think of. Don't hold back.

Do not bring up the letter. Let him bring it up to you. If you're lucky, he will have had time to digest everything and will give you all the answers and support you need.

I'm not saying it will work for everyone, but it worked for us. And trust me, my DH is not big on reading anything - most of all, handwritten letters that accuse him of killing me emotionally.

 

[ohiominnie]

Thanks Ohiominnie. I know I am very weak in this area. I want what I want when I want it. I see what I see so it is. I still think he is "Full of it", but I will tackle this in your suggested way.

Yeah, so is my MIL. Now I've just learned to either ignore what she says or keep my mouth shut. If she wants to be bitter and hateful, that is HER choice! After all, she is never ever wrong! or so she thinks!