Marriage problems?

[tinkerfan1]

Good luck both with school and with your marriage. Reading these posts, I've learned one thing. There are a lot of DISers who care about you even if they don't know you. That's pretty cool. I'm glad I've become a part of this "family."

 

[DVC Sadie]

Have realistic expectations for a counselor. If your husband isn't interested in growing up, the counselor won't be at all successful at getting him to do so - and probably will not even try. Then its up to you to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life married to a child. This is about making your marriage work with the guy you married - or not. Some people are happy working dead end jobs to pay for Mountain Dew and their WoW subscription while living in Mom's basement - and if they have a wife who will substitute in for Mom, that's great.

I divorced the first child I married when it became obvious that my ideas for "growing up" and his choices were not compatible. And the next time I married a grown up.

Crisi, you posted what I lived and you are absolutely correct.

 

[DisneyNutMic]

Ok I'm going to tell you my little story here.

My boyfriend moved in with me last year. It wasn't an ideal situation and we had had our share of issues in the past (bad decision on my part really). He was unemployed and had been for a good while. He was on pain meds for his back as well (spinal fusion surgery years ago). He was an addict. He was an alcoholic who quit drinking. He went from drinking to pain meds and was addicted to those at the time (I had no clue). He spent day and night on the computer and on his XBOX. We barely spoke. He got more and more distant and deeper and deeper into his depression. I confronted him on the painkiller addiction and hello anger. I told him to get out and he did. I have no clue why but I continued to talk to him. We spent some time together. He still took his pain pills but now he was taking maybe 1 a day. It was onto a new addiction by this point. Internet pornography. I was completely dead set again that as my ex-husband was also addicted and cheated many times. I stopped talking to him PERIOD. I cut him off completely. He came to my house one Sunday afternoon and said he had two choices, either go to church or kill himself. I am very strong in my faith and I had been praying for him for 2 years already and I didn't stop even when I cut him out of my life. It was the hardest thing I had to do but I had to turn him away again. I had to trust that God was protecting him because this was WAY over my head. He got saved that night. I didn't take him at his word and I didn't open myself back up to him for a while but I still loved him. We did get back together. He still takes the pain meds but in drastic moderation. The other addictions are gone from his life. He still plays his XBOX a lot and sometimes more than I would like but I tell him that he has to make OUR time a priority when we have it. We are now engaged and getting married next spring. So it can be done. It can be brought back from this dark place that you are in now. But you are NOT alone. Addiction of any kind is an ugly thing. Good luck to you both.

 

[tam626]

I agree with the idea to get counseling. Sounds like you work very hard & deserve some respect so I don't see where you need to make him feel better.

 

[princessmom29]

First hugs and good luck to you and your DH.

My husband is a gamer and I play too on occasion, but never to the exclusion of other things. I put my foot down faily early on about game time being for spare time only. He does not play when our DD is awake, and limits his after bed time to a couple of nights a week. Family time comes first!! It may help for you to discuss setting some limits on when and how long he plays. I know it may sound silly, and like parenting a child, but it has kept Dh and I from having even one argument about the xbox. The ground rules are clear and agreed upon be everyone as reasonable.

 

[MarriedToAPrince]

I have to agree that it sounds like counseling is your only option, but I also highly recommend individual counseling for your husband. Sounds like he has depression. I also agree with the person who said marriage is 110/110. Each party has to give it their all or it will never work. Hope things work out and good luck with medical school.

 

[rebster]

Thanks again. I have spoken with my hubby about counseling for himself and he isn't quite as enthusiastic about that. I am just happy he is willing to go at all at this point (and hopefully we can work from there). Whenever I say anything about his video game choices (negative or not), he tells me that I think he is a dirtbag or a looser (even though I never use words like that, and I really try to encourage him). I think maybe he just thinks that of himself, so he hears me saying those things even when I am not.

Anyway...Thanks!

 

[Colleen27]

Thanks again. I have spoken with my hubby about counseling for himself and he isn't quite as enthusiastic about that. I am just happy he is willing to go at all at this point (and hopefully we can work from there). Whenever I say anything about his video game choices (negative or not), he tells me that I think he is a dirtbag or a looser (even though I never use words like that, and I really try to encourage him). I think maybe he just thinks that of himself, so he hears me saying those things even when I am not.

That's something that DH & I had to work through the first time he was unemployed for an extended period. In 2006, he started a small home improvement company. Although he is licensed and skilled enough to do some types of interior work, roofing and siding are his primary specialties, and in Michigan that means not working for a few months of the year. That first winter was a very difficult time in our marriage because he didn't know how to adjust to being home most of the time and any time I tried to point out ways he could be helping or more productive, he heard it as me thinking he was a loser or lazy or less of a man because he wasn't working. I never thought those things, much less said them - starting the business was as much my idea as his, because he was so unhappy with the long hours he was putting in elsewhere and making his own schedule allows him to be there for the kids more consistently - but HE was thinking them because it was the first time since his early teens that he was out of work for more than a few days.

To be honest, I think he still has a bit of a tough time with the transition. When work peters out in the fall, he gets really into gaming for a little while (we both play World of Warcraft), and just about the time it really starts to bug me that he's playing most of the time the kids are in school, he'll snap out of it and we'll start getting ready for the holidays together. We haven't gotten there yet this year, thanks to a really rainy fall and a mini-rush of last minute roof repairs, and at this rate he won't have time to pout for long because Thanksgiving will be here before we know it!

 

[disney_family_1247]

I agree about the counseling. Please don't blame yourself for all of these issues because clearly he has a boatload. My brother is in medical school, and your husband is insane if he really thinks it's easy and not stressful! Gaming is an addiction, and if he isn't willing to get help, then you shouldn't take the blame for the marriage failing.

 

[rebster]

You home school your kids? I was home schooled for 10 years. I really have the best mom ever.

Anyway, I am really hoping our marriage doesn't fail. I think one of my biggest fears is having kids. I really want to have a family, but I don't want to bring them into this world if they are going to have an unreliable father. Maybe that sounds mean, but I really think he has to get a grip on responsibility before we extend our family.