Marriage - how old where you?

[GoofyDad869]

I'm probably gonna invite some flames with this one. I'm of the opinion that a lot of marriages fail due to immaturity and unrealistic expectations, NOT really age-related issues. By this I mean that a man at 46 can be just as selfish as a child of 6. A man of 20 can be more mature than a man of 40. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally - call it whatever you want. I also think a family history has a lot to do with the number of divorces - like how we were raised, and who our role models are. I've admittedly got a strong opinion on the matter, and I'd like to hear other opinions - contrary or supportive. My younger brother will be getting married later this year (he's 26, she's 25), and a conversation with him brought alot of these thoughts to mind. We were talking about what it takes to keep it going & what happens when it starts to go off the rails.

Here's my story, in a (sorta long) nutshell... I started dating my future bride when we were both 18 years old. We were married in our early 20s (she was 21, I was 20 - a few months shy of my 21st birthday). That's a lot younger than most of our friends and acquaintances. There were no extenuating circumstances - in other words, she wasn't pregnant. We had a long engagement while we were both in college. 15 months is what I remember, but I'd have to defer to her memory on that - I mean we still gently argue about when our 'first' date was. Anyway, it was well over a 12-month engagement (was it 'official' when I proposed, or when we told parents, etc). My story is: She had just graduated from college, I had a few years left before I was through, and I just didn't want her to get away from me. We went into the marriage knowing beforehand that a marriage takes a lot of work - it's not always Ward & June Cleaver stuff. We thought originally that old advice chestnut 'Never go to sleep mad at each other' was perfect - but in real life that's rarely practical (especially when I've done something boneheaded and she's especially p.o.'d at me). Sometimes we're better at communicating to each other than others, for a variety of reasons. Anyway, we celebrated our 15 year anniversary last May (knock on wood). We're the only couple of our "college days" friends & acquaintances to remain together. I'm really not sure why. Sorry for the long ramble.

My wife's & my family history: Both sets of parents have strong marriages. Both sides of our extended families have broken marriages (aunts & uncles, cousins, etc.) All four sets of grandparents had long-lasting marriages (notice I didn't say happy or strong, just long-lasting). The year we got married (1990) was both of our parents' 25 year, and my paternal grandparents' 50 year. Good sign. My younger sister is our closest relative to have a failed marriage (due to infidelity on both her & her husband's parts).

My brother's story - much shorter than mine. He's been in a relationship with his fiancee for 4+ years. They were both college students when they started dating. They graduated college last spring. They've lived together for more than 2 years. They've had a very long engagement - he told me about his desire for marriage 2 years ago, at least a year before he told our Mom & Dad to make it 'official'. There's not a lot he and I don't talk about - I guess we're each other's confidante (my wife is also definitely my confidante). He was having a 'cold feet' moment the other night - like we all do.

 

[poohandwendy]

We were both 19 when we were married and will celebrate 20 years in July.

We are both products of divorce and that has been an incentive to grow together rather than chuck it in. I would say we have grown up together, to be honest. There have been rough times, for sure. But I would not change a thing.

 

[ntburns22]

DH and I started dating at 16. He was a year a head of me in school. He went off to the military. We survived it and knew we were meant to be. We were both 20 when we got married and we just had our 7 year anniversay. I wouldn't change it for anything.

 

[pat fan]

I was 18 and DH was a week shy of 21. We will be celerating our 19th anniversary this summer.We started dating a week before I turned 16 and he was 18 and already graduated high school. The "official" engagement was only about 7 months, but we had dated for quite a while (you do the math, I hate math ).

Family history - My parents happily married, his married.My maternal grandparents were not an influence on me as grandmother died before I was born. My paternal grandparents were "married" and that's all I'll say about that.His grandparents were "just married" also.

I think the biggest thing in our sticking together (besides being the "right" ones for each other) is the conversation we had just prior to the wedding. We were both having a bit of cold feet/trouble and we just said either we're doing this or not, and if we are there will be no divorce.There will be no cheating.If we can't commit to that, then let's not do it. We talked about all the bad things that can happen and how we would not deal with them, ie..the two rules we had going in.No matter how bad it got we would NOT do those two things, they would not be an option. I just don't think couples actualy talk about and verbalize that commitment to each other.I really think it has had an influence in our marriage. We've sure gone to bed angry at each other but we've never cheated or mentioned divorce and we've gotten through the hard times in darn good shape.

 

[disneymcgraw]

When we were married, I was 23 and hubby was 22. We celebrated 12 years in Sept.

 

[TnKrBeLlA012]

I was nineteen when I married. We started out with nothing. We had alot of hard times. We could have both taken the easy way out and divorced but life is not about easy. Marriage is work. You have good times and bad. We are now going on 21 years of marriage.

 

[Skywalker]

I was 26 when I got married, my husband was 36. I think it's not the number that matters, but the person.

 

[Disney Doll]

I agree with you that I think it is a maturaity issue on both partners' parts, and that a person of 20 can be much more mature than a person of 40.

That being said, I also believe that the younger in years you are, the more difficult marriage is, because you have not necessarily yet discovered yourself totally. It takes a special breed of person to be willing to compromise, and agree to grow with, instead of away fro their spouse. It also takes a spouse willing to grow with you or allow you to grow without hindering your growth, to be supportive of that growth etc.

Different phases of a person's life also offer different challenges. In our 20's, it's about finding ourselves. In our 30's it's aboot finding each other. Then there's our 40's, when all of a sudden whatever we feel that what we didn't do in our 20's and 30's suddenly needs to be done...the so-called "mid-life crisis". I am 43, and believe me, I have seen several people go through mid-life crises that destroyed their marriages and family life. All of them were married young. Would it have been different if they had gotten married at an older age??? There's no way to know, but there's a part of me that can't help but think that perhaps if they hadn't felt like they had "missed" something in their younger days because they had married young, then their marriage would have survived. Or perhaps if they had experienced a few more relationships that were not marriages, if they would have had more insight into what they did and did not want in a life partner.

I was a few months shy of turning 30 when I married. My best friend from grammar and high school was on her second marriage and had been married for 9 years when I got married the first time. She is now married for the third time, I am still married to my first DH, and her third marriage is with a same-sex partner. I can't help but wonder if she had waited before marrying her second husband and having 2 children with him if she wouldn't have figured out, as she got older, that she was gay, and it may have saved a lot of people a lot of heartache. First marriage at 17, second marriage at 21, third marriage at 42. Is #3 her soulmate??? She thought #1 & #2 were at the time, so who knows???

I guess my only point is that sometimes as we get older, if we are paying attention, and if we learn from the mistakes we make when we are younger, that we have learned some things that may give a marriage a better chance of survival. But then again, I guess first we have to learn from our mistakes, and some folks never do that!!!!!

 

[pixiemomma]

I was a month shy of 19. My husband was 25.

 

[GoofyDad869]

Then there's our 40's, when all of a sudden whatever we feel that what we didn't do in our 20's and 30's suddenly needs to be done...the so-called "mid-life crisis". I am 43, and believe me, I have seen several people go through mid-life crises that destroyed their marriages and family life.

My wife and I have pre-agreed to my "mid-life" crisis. A Corvette Z06. I'll let her drive/ride whenever she wants. I don't need a young sweet thaing in the passenger seat. Just me. Just the missus. And the car. Maybe a nice dinner at Hooters, just the three of us, every now and then... (I love the new smilies, by the way)

Is it a societal thing too? We're in the "Girls Gone Wild XXX" age in this country. Not my fault, personally. I don't feed into that cultural shift. Not to get sanctimonious (compared to Baby Boomers and this next upcoming one), but my generation (Generation X) instigated the rise of AIDS and helped spread it, with our lifestyles and life choices (God, I hate that term, but it's appropriate).

Also, the thread title should be " Marriage: How Old WERE You?" I'm so embarrassed...

 

[Disney Doll]

My wife and I have pre-agreed to my "mid-life" crisis. A Corvette Z06. I'll let her drive/ride whenever she wants. I don't need a young sweet thaing in the passenger seat. Just me. Just the missus. And the car. Maybe a nice dinner at Hooters, just the three of us, every now and then... (I love the new smilies, by the way)

LOL!!! One of the docs I work with, mid 40's, just bought a Corvette. His very wise wife's only comment..."It's cheaper than an affair, and a lot less emotionally damaging."

 

[rt2dz]

I was 25 and DH was 26. We were friends for a few months before dating, dated for 6 months before engaged and were engaged for 18 months. We've been married about 7 years now--three boys: 5 in 3 weeks, 2 in 2 days, and almost 5 months.

Our marriage has its ups and downs from time to time, we are two different people (different backgrounds, etc). But nothing horrible. We go to bed angry all the time, when fighting. Clearer heads emerge in the morning when anger has subsided and you have had a good nights sleep.

I had forgotten, but we were fighting the night of our rehearsal. I kept telling him I might just not show up. I don't know what the minister was thinking. But afterwards, when every one was heading out to dinner, we were talking (not fighting) and the minister had come to collect his fees and just stood back and observed. In the end, he approached us, and said he has no doubts now that we'll have a 50th wedding anniversary. That there is no shame in fighting, married couples do, but as long as we still work it out in the right manner, it won't harm anything. And we obvisouly did have that skill.

 

[Dopey Sharon]

I turned 18 in March, he turned 19 in December...we were married in July.

We will celebrate our 28th anniversary this July.

Both sets of parents are still married.

We started dating when I was 15, almost 16, and he was 17.

 

[Kimberly815]

I will be 26 next year when my fiance (who will be 27) and I get married. Also, by that time we would have been together for more than 5.5 years.

 

[MetalPrincess]

My husband and I were both 18. We were divorced within a year, because of immaturity.
After being divorced for three years we had matured some and realized that we still loved each other . We were remarried and have been together for over eight years now. We have two beautiful children and a dog...

 

[GoofyDad869]

I was nineteen when I married. We started out with nothing. We had alot of hard times. We could have both taken the easy way out and divorced but life is not about easy. Marriage is work. You have good times and bad. We are now going on 21 years of marriage.

Me too. We survived on her low salary, and I worked a couple of part-time jobs to pay for school. We were poor enough & my grades were good enough for grants, which helped a little. I graduated almost exactly 3 years after our wedding. The first few years were spent digging out of debt (we lived a credit card lifestyle for a while - been there, done that, charged the t-shirt). We bought a house, saved enough for DVC membership. We're conservative in that respect - I don't feel I can 'afford' something unless I either have that cash in-hand or I can foresee (in sometimes excruciating detail) how to pay for it. A lot of couples don't see eye-to-eye on finances - I've learned over the years to adapt to her financial views (I rarely had a balanced checkbook early on). What's with separate his-and-hers bank accounts? I do understand it logically (a pair of dear friends do it, but they married in their late 20s after each was established).

A wrinkle that's developed for us in the last couple of years in that she's my firm's bookkeeper. In some ways that's awesome, because I'm relatively irresponsible - but I'm worlds more responsible than either of my partners (financially, I mean). The flip side (in my opinion) is that we're "talking shop" most of the time. She's in her element, while I sometimes just wanna forget the day (and go DIS'ing).

I think part of our success in the marriage is the sense of what we've built together. It's a challenge every day. We try not to let the challenge get the better of us.

 

[Terri C]

I was 25 and my DH was 31. We celebrated out 15th anniversary last week

Terri

 

[mrsg00fy]

we were 24 and 27. had dated for 7 years before marriage. we will celebrate our 17th anniversary in april.

 

[kimisabella]

Both my dh and I were 25 - we'll be married 8 years in october

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I was 25, DH was 23. Been married 15 years and together for 20. Half of my life now.

Both of our parents were NOT happily married (his are divorced, mine should be).

It has taken alot of work and maturity to get to 15 years. Instead of a "mid-life crisis", we feel as if things are fine between us FINALLY!

We are going through "job-crisis"...puts things in perspective for us.

Also we have a dd in High School and we don't want to miss a thing. Time is fleeting. Why waste it?