Mama bear angry

[Cheburashka]

I have to say it. Middle school kids are mean. This goes not surprise me at all. I teach middle school.

I've taught both elementary and middle school for many years as well, and can vouch for the fact that most middle school students are not mean. Any middle school student who behaves this way needs to be given immediate consequences and monitored to keep this from recurring. This isn't normal behavior. It could just be the individual student's issue, but it could also reflect negatively on school culture. Bullying and aggressive behavior are more endemic in some schools than in others, and school culture plays a big role in that, which I can attest to as a teacher who has worked in multiple districts and schools.

Meanness & misery in middle school isn't inevitable. It's the result of poor socialization of children (responsibility of parents primarily & elementary schools secondarily), and a middle school culture that passively condones cruel and/or aggressive behavior.

OP, as a teacher and parent I agree with others that you should call the principal ASAP in the morning. It sounds like the school wasn't aware that this happened, and that hallways need to be better monitored by staff during passing periods. No child should be assaulted at school- if it were my child I'd probably consider legal action, and I would make that clear (in a calm way) to the principal. Make it very clear that you know it is the school's absolute responsibility to protect your daughter from physical harm during school hours. ("We'll try" doesn't cut it for this kind of thing.)

 

[mjkacmom]

Our high school was very proactive when my daughter was bullied, suspended the girls. Unfortunately the school can’t be everywhere, so it continued outside of school and in the hallways (we have no cameras). My daughter felt it wad much worse after the school got involved (they’re the ones who contacted me), and told me if I contacted them again for any reason she wasn’t going to tell me what was happening (it was over a boy, girls were 2 years older, seniors). Fortunately my daughter had a great large friend group, and was on the varsity soccer and track team with older kids, and her sister was a senior. Ironically one of the girls father was a police officer in town who gave the yearly don’t be a bully assembly. I told my daughter to fight back but she is a very peaceful person.

 

[Pink Partridge]

don’t do email as something as important as this. Talk to the teacher in person or at the very least talk by telephone.

I would also email. A paper trail is essential.

 

[Kellykins1218]

For fastest resolution, call the principle directly and say the words "Police" "Assault" and "Lawsuit".

They really don't like "menacing" either.

 

[Kellykins1218]

I thought you were going to say your dd was four or five. Acting out physically at thirteen (age of the bully) is so developmentally inappropriate. Everyone else is right. Phone or visit the principal tomorrow and have your daughter write everything down tonight so her account of the incident is clear. Just terrible behaviour....

Actually, it's pretty common. I work with them everyday and middle schoolers are mean!

 

[Snowflakey]

don’t do email as something as important as this. Talk to the teacher in person or at the very least talk by telephone.

I disagree - do BOTH. You want email as proof

 

[C&Jx2]

I’m sorry she has deal with that. Its heartbreaking as a parent to see.

This is unpopular opinion on the DIS, but my daughter has full permission to defend herself. We’d accept any punishment at school for her “breaking the rules”, but she’ll never be punished at home for defending herself. I’ll be darned if my kid is a punching bag for someone else.

 

[Snowflakey]

Well you got my "mama bear" in a tizzy over this too

It may be "normal" as some put it for this to happen but how you handle it is important. I would demand a meeting with the principal and you reach out to local law enforcement and request an officer also come to the meeting. This shows the school you aren't playing around. Document EVERYTHING.

 

[Snowflakey]

I’m sorry she has deal with that. Its heartbreaking as a parent to see.

This is unpopular opinion on the DIS, but my daughter has full permission to defend herself. We’d accept any punishment at school for her “breaking the rules”, but she’ll never be punished at home for defending herself. I’ll be darned if my kid is a punching bag for someone else.

I agree 100%.

 

[monsterkitty]

Why on earth did the school not call you as soon as it happened? That would at least show they were interested in handling the situation and pulling the aggressor from class to keep her away from other students.

Why did the school not call? Because they probably have no idea it's going on. Bully's aren't stupid, they wait for passing periods or when the teacher turns their backs to write on the board. Most of the bullying occurs during passing periods where we can't always see what is happening because of the crowds in the hallway.

OP, call the dean or assistant principal today. They are the ones in charge of discipline. If they are busy and don't return your call, then call the principal. Since you alerted one of her teachers that teacher will probably also notify others as well to keep an eye out.

As for middle school kids are mean, in my now 33 years I find that yes they can be mean, but for the most part they good kids trying to find their way in life. Now way would have I taught any other level than middle school. Love this age group!

 

[smilie]

The school/teachers/principal were not aware of it happening. My DD never told them. So as soon as she told me I got them involved. I have spoken with the guidance counselor and principal, I'm waiting to hear back from the principal as to how she is handling it. My DD's teacher that I emailed yesterday about it is very involved. She's already emailed me twice this morning about how involved she is and has told me this will "never happen again under my watch". We'll see how it progresses. But apparently this girl that is doing it is known for being mean to people and bullying. She's been in trouble numerous times in school. But the fact that she is still there and still bullying has me concerned. After I hear back from the principal, depending on what is done, I will make it known that the police will be getting involved if this is left to lie. We shall see. Thank you everyone for your replies! I appreciate all of them.

 

[OregonDisDad]

If the bullying does not stop immediately, I’d email the principal (cc to the teacher), describing the situation. I’d note that the teacher was responsive to your concerns, but ask to meet in person with the principal to discuss what the school can do to ensure that there is not continued assault/abuse of your daughter when the teacher is not around. I’d take photos of the bruises as suggested, and bring them to the meeting.

You want to try to get the teacher and principal on your side, but use enough buzz words to ensure that they involve the district lawyer and/or the police. You also want a clear record of sharing your concerns with the teacher and principal, and of attempting to handle the situation reasonably by escalating to higher and higher authorities. The principal should recognize this as preparation for a lawsuit and take it seriously (they likely will take it seriously anyway out of concern for your daughter).

If the situation continues, you may want to go to the police (if the school does not), but understand that involving the police in bullying by a 12 year old is an extreme step. I’m not saying it is not warranted, or necessary, but it would not be my first step.

I also would not try to contact the bully or the bully’s parents directly. Let the school, and if necessary the police, do that.

 

[HopperFan]

The school/teachers/principal were not aware of it happening. My DD never told them. So as soon as she told me I got them involved. I have spoken with the guidance counselor and principal, I'm waiting to hear back from the principal as to how she is handling it. My DD's teacher that I emailed yesterday about it is very involved. She's already emailed me twice this morning about how involved she is and has told me this will "never happen again under my watch". We'll see how it progresses. But apparently this girl that is doing it is known for being mean to people and bullying. She's been in trouble numerous times in school. But the fact that she is still there and still bullying has me concerned. After I hear back from the principal, depending on what is done, I will make it known that the police will be getting involved if this is left to lie. We shall see. Thank you everyone for your replies! I appreciate all of them.

Sounds like a good start but they certainly need to do something pro-active, not just for your child and the other potential victims .... but to get this child help before she does something much worse.

I would also email. A paper trail is essential.

I disagree - do BOTH. You want email as proof

I agree. To all parents with ANY kind of school issues ... documenting and paper trails are critical here. Phone calls have no weight. Keep notes at home of dates and description of incidents. Match these with photographs of any and all bruises should they be needed later. Or in other situations keep anything that might be of importance. All emails should be sent to all persons that should be involved, and make sure they can see who all was contacted. It puts that pressure on them that this is not just a simple note between you and them - but that you are making sure everyone knows. At our middle school that would be teachers, my child's counselor, grade assistant principal (here they handle discipline) and the principal.

Give the school the opportunity to take care of this that leaves your child in a positive situation - but also let them know that you expect a solid resolution. Initial threatening could actually backfire in how your child is treated. I would not call the police unless the school drops the ball, and I would not contact the other child's parents. Let the school or authorities handle it.

 

[monsterkitty]

The school/teachers/principal were not aware of it happening. My DD never told them. So as soon as she told me I got them involved. I have spoken with the guidance counselor and principal, I'm waiting to hear back from the principal as to how she is handling it. My DD's teacher that I emailed yesterday about it is very involved. She's already emailed me twice this morning about how involved she is and has told me this will "never happen again under my watch". We'll see how it progresses. But apparently this girl that is doing it is known for being mean to people and bullying. She's been in trouble numerous times in school. But the fact that she is still there and still bullying has me concerned. After I hear back from the principal, depending on what is done, I will make it known that the police will be getting involved if this is left to lie. We shall see. Thank you everyone for your replies! I appreciate all of them.

Due to confidentiality laws, the principal will not be able to share with you what steps were taken. They cannot let you know how the student was punished. HOWEVER, the students will find out about the consequences and then your DD can fill you and the teachers in on what happened. The girl or her parents will complain about how unfair life is and what her consequences are and that will get out to the other students.

ETA, if the school has a school resource officer the police department will refer you back to the SRO. I would contact the SRO if you're not happy with what the principal tells you.

 

[aprilgail]

I’m sorry she has deal with that. Its heartbreaking as a parent to see.

This is unpopular opinion on the DIS, but my daughter has full permission to defend herself. We’d accept any punishment at school for her “breaking the rules”, but she’ll never be punished at home for defending herself. I’ll be darned if my kid is a punching bag for someone else.

I ALWAYS told my daughter that- she can not START a fight but if someone starts I fully expected her to fight back and defend herself and I did not care if she was suspended- but I would not punish her for it!

 

[aprilgail]

Actually, it's pretty common. I work with them everyday and middle schoolers are mean!

Middle school is the WORST- high school was so much easier- less bullying there

 

[brockash]

So my DD came home from school today telling me that a girl at school has started kicking her. Hard. In the bottom and the shins. I've already contacted the school but my blood is boiling right now! I DESPISE bullying! And I have angry mama bear syndrome bad! What else can I do so I don't march myself down to the school and confront this girl myself.

Teach your daughter some healthy coping skills so she doesn't have an anger syndrome as she gets older. Seriously, don't get me wrong; I would hate for my kid to be kicked for no reason...just the other day a girl was pulling her hair (I know the other little girl, as I work at the school and she has many challenges/issues.) Yes, I hated that my daughters hair got pulled, but she handled the situation well (as well as she could for a 6 year old) and she's okay.

I would calmly reach out to the teacher and probably also the school counselor, if this is a pattern and not stopping. How old is your dd? How did she handle the situation?

I saw you said your dd was in middle school it's happening in the halls. I'd calmly reach out to the counselor and principal; explain the situation. If it continues to happen; I'd calmly ask to see the video; as at that point the admin. can look into further discipline and consequences for the offender if they hadn't already resolved the issue. - Have your dd report it each time it happens and if it were me; I'd tell her to see if she could walk a different way or further away from the other kid for a little bit... so is this just some stranger, walking through the halls and picking out your daughter to kick every day? It just seems odd and if that's the case than the other kid probably is already known to admin. and they should be able to step in right away to deter that type of behavior etc.

 

[brockash]

If this were to happen in the district where my daughters teach, the police would be called. If the school administration is not planning to contact the bully's parents and the abuse happens again, then the police should be called.

Oh, it would not...it'd be investigated by the counselors/admin. first. Please...we certainly don't have all the details. You'd need more info. before making a blanket statement like that. They would need to talk to the girls, figure out what's going on and monitor it. If it continued to happen; then perhaps police would get involved if it was reported out etc., but you have no idea if the admin. has contacted the "bully's" parents or not or really any other details of the situation.

 

[CaoilinnsMom]

But apparently this girl that is doing it is known for being mean to people and bullying. She's been in trouble numerous times in school. But the fact that she is still there and still bullying has me concerned. After I hear back from the principal, depending on what is done, I will make it known that the police will be getting involved if this is left to lie.

There are probably many reasons why the above is true. Hurt people hurt others. If she is getting away with it, many times the school's hands are tied by legal requirements related to a disability. Schools can not easily expel students who have disabilities. Legally, the administration is not allowed to talk to you about the punishment or consequences for another student (think of how you would feel if they discussed your daughter with other parents) You may have to accept "we have dealt with it" as a your version of what has been done, and kept your ears open for any retribution or future events. You can ask that the student not be in any of your daughter's classes (and expect that they will move the other student)

 

[AndreaA]

Oh, it would not...it'd be investigated by the counselors/admin. first. Please...we certainly don't have all the details. You'd need more info. before making a blanket statement like that. They would need to talk to the girls, figure out what's going on and monitor it. If it continued to happen; then perhaps police would get involved if it was reported out etc., but you have no idea if the admin. has contacted the "bully's" parents or not or really any other details of the situation.

Yeah, the number of people saying to call the police or a lawyer is troubling and yet not surprising in this society. Sheeeeesh...

As someone who was bullied, your daughter has my full sympathy. Seems like the school is already on it, and hopefully there won’t be a repeat incident.