Lying KIDS!!!!!!!

[lukenick1]

Also, you threatened to put in a camera but didn't do it. .

No, I told them that I had a hidden camera and I was going to watch it and see who did it.

 

[Magpie]

I'm a teaser with my kids, too. When I surprised my then 11 y/o with a trip to Disney, just him and I, used the "Gotta pick up my boss from the airport at 3:30 am" as the decoy, then handed him the reservation info from Disney in the airport parking lot - he looked at it, got excited, then furrowed his brow, looked me dead in the eye with a "this is not something to be joking about" look and asked "Serious??" before he allowed his elation to set in.

My family does the teasing thing. I understand what you're saying, though.

And no, two wrongs don't make a right - but I still think it's funny.

They lived. They had to schlep through an antique mall, instead of a carnival.

That's awesome! What a great way to surprise your 11yo!

 

[Magpie]

No, I told them that I had a hidden camera and I was going to watch it and see who did it.

DO you have a hidden camera? Or did you lie about that?

 

[DawnCt1]

A little OT but when I worked in psych, I heard the best reason, from a psychiatrist about why kids lie. "Because they want things to be different". Did he need to go to medical school to know that?

 

[lukenick1]

DO you have a hidden camera? Or did you lie about that?

Yes I do but it was not turned on........

 

[rie'smom]

Yes I do but it was not turned on........

Then turn it on. Sorry I misread earlier.

 

[Magpie]

Yes I do but it was not turned on........

Oh, you want to be careful with that! You said that you told them you were going to watch it and see who did it. If they were older, they might have called your bluff and demanded to see the tape - and you would have been caught in a bald-faced lie!

It's really hard to teach kids that lying is wrong, after they catch you lying to them.

 

[EMom]

We are blessed. It's not that DD cannot lie. She doesn't do it often, but when she does, she cannot do it well. My sister on the other hand, was tested in the worst way by her son. He would lie when telling the truth would have been easier. He lied as easily as he breathed. No idea WHY. It was just his nature. And he was a pro. Could come up with a lie in record time.

She feared he was doomed to a life of crime due to his lying ways. Was he a sociopath? I can give you hope by telling you something changed along the way and he is now a productive, non-lying adult with a college education and a decent job. Ironically, once he went to college and started supporting himself, he saw the world differently. When he went to work to pay for college and saw slacker employees who often lied to the boss, it infuriated him because he had to pick up the slack. "They"...the slackers, the liars, the useless.....became the enemy and he (the self-supporting worker) wanted to be nothing like them and wanted to have nothing to do with them. God bless those slackers.

There is hope.

 

[WDSearcher]

First off, lying is my pet peeve. I HATE liars. How did I get blessed with 2 liar kids????? My ds's are 7 & 9. My oldest is the worst liar it scares me because he believes his own lies. I've been in a situation with him where I witnessed something and he still insist thats not what happened. Does he need counseling??? Yesterday there was a pack of crackers on the floor and when I asked who put them there neither one of them confessed. I guess they walked there by themselves. Both of them stuck to their guns and blamed each other. Wish I could get thru to them. I will never trust or believe them, how can I??????

Maybe I'm just too laid back, but if this is all you've got, then I think you're over-reacting.

"My oldest is the worst liar it scares me because he believes his own lies. I've been in a situation with him where I witnessed something and he still insist thats not what happened."

And ... ? I mean, that happens with grown-ups too. You put two people in a situation and they will remember it differently. Of course, it depends on what situation you're talking about. If you're saying, "I saw an airplane go by" and he says, "There was no airplane" that's one thing. If you say, "I saw you yell at your sister" and he says, "I wasn't even in the room" that's something else. What kind of situation is this happening in? Is he truly lying, or is he embellishing -- telling a story and seeing if he can make it believable? Kids do that. They take a situation and try to make it more interesting.

"Yesterday there was a pack of crackers on the floor and when I asked who put them there neither one of them confessed. I guess they walked there by themselves."

Really? That's what you consider "lying"? Not "confessing" who put the crackers on the floor is typical kid stuff. Tell one of them to pick the crackers up and be done with it. Does it really matter who put them there? If neither one of them will pick the crackers up because it was the other one who did it, then punish them both. "I'm sorry, but if you blame her, and she blames you, then you're clearly both responsible and so you both get punished. End of story."

I don't see how these kinds of things make your kids "liars". It makes them kids.

 

[bumbershoot]

I think the best solution for me to try would be reverse psychology. Just say...."I know your telling the truth because you love me and would never hurt me by lying".

And since they wouldn't lie, but something had changed in the house, and you the mom hadn't done it...that means there's an intruder in the house. So (you tell them while gathering keys, phone, etc) we're getting OUT of the house, we're calling 911, etc etc etc etc....

And if the kid still persists in lying about it...then get worried.

She was sick of the little BS lies - like your crackers, like the spilled juice, like the 'did you brush your teeth'. Were they silly lies? Of course, but she was tired of it!

They woke up on a beautiful Saturday morning. She asked them: Do you guys wanna go to the carnival??....
We're not going to a carnival! I lied! How's it feel to be lied to?!?!?



Maybe I'm a sadist, but it makes me laugh SO MUCH every time I think about it.

Wowie, that took guts! Not sure if I could have followed through on it...

I've even threatened to watch the "hidden video camera" but they didn't buy it.

I always tell them that they will not be punished for telling the truth only for lying and yet they still lie.

DH dealt with this as a kid. Here's the thing. Being punished for the deed, after you've confessed, feels EXACTLY like being punished for continuing the lie. So there's no difference to most kids.

And you have to have a punishment for the deed, right?

So honestly, I think the "you won't be punished for telling the truth" thing is just bogus. You do something bad, you get a punishment. You lie about it and get caught, you get TWO punishments.

DH started playing the odds as a child, because his mom said he wouldn't be punished for telling the truth, but he was always punished for *having lied*, so he'd lie and lie and lie...and most of the time he was caught, but that was well after the fact. And there were always some lies that made it through, so he wasn't punished for those.

I'd rather have DS know that there's going to be some sort of punishment if he did something wrong, and extra if he lies about it...

He ALSO knows that if we felt he did something wrong and later we find out he did NOT, that there will be major apologies and confessions that we thought wrong. Those sorts of things don't happen often, since he's the only kid in the house, but it has happened....

Yes I do but it was not turned on........

Turn it on!

 

[WDSearcher]

I've even threatened to watch the "hidden video camera" but they didn't buy it. It wasn't about the crackers, it was the principle that no one would fess up and the straw that broke the camels back. I'm tired of the lying. I always tell them that they will not be punished for telling the truth only for lying and yet they still lie.

If you have a "hidden video camera", then just watch it, find out who put the crackers there, and punish them. If it's not turned on and you can't find out, then how is that "lie" different from the ones they're telling you?

 

[CathrynRose]

Maybe I'm just too laid back, but if this is all you've got, then I think you're over-reacting.

"My oldest is the worst liar it scares me because he believes his own lies. I've been in a situation with him where I witnessed something and he still insist thats not what happened."

And ... ? I mean, that happens with grown-ups too. You put two people in a situation and they will remember it differently. Of course, it depends on what situation you're talking about. If you're saying, "I saw an airplane go by" and he says, "There was no airplane" that's one thing. If you say, "I saw you yell at your sister" and he says, "I wasn't even in the room" that's something else. What kind of situation is this happening in? Is he truly lying, or is he embellishing -- telling a story and seeing if he can make it believable? Kids do that. They take a situation and try to make it more interesting.

"Yesterday there was a pack of crackers on the floor and when I asked who put them there neither one of them confessed. I guess they walked there by themselves."

Really? That's what you consider "lying"? Not "confessing" who put the crackers on the floor is typical kid stuff. Tell one of them to pick the crackers up and be done with it. Does it really matter who put them there? If neither one of them will pick the crackers up because it was the other one who did it, then punish them both. "I'm sorry, but if you blame her, and she blames you, then you're clearly both responsible and so you both get punished. End of story."

I don't see how these kinds of things make your kids "liars". It makes them kids.

I don't know if I agree with you. Even embellishments.

We all know those people (think The Liar, Jon Lovitz from SNL "Yeah, yeah, that's the ticket!") They're annoying, people tend to never believe them, and generally make you roll your eyes every time they open their mouth.

While yes, I do think to an extent, children are testing their limits. I don't know that I'd be "okay"....well, no I am *not* okay with constant embellishments and even white lies, form my children. And remember - I said I have one. It's not okay (for me).

If the police came to the house, and asked questions, they expect the truth. As would a judge. Or a boss. Or a co-worker. Or a parent.... KWIM?

As much as the crackers (if we want to continue to use this as the example) are not a big deal, nor was my g/f's kids continuing to claim their teeth were brushed, when a fuzzy, film and butt-breath was clearly there - it's still an lie. And (this is just IMO) when you shrug off the small lies, what happens if those lies get bigger? And more embellished?

I don't like it - and (again IMO) it should be nipped, as young as possible.

You don't want a child like my ex-husband (see: Jon Lovitz comment)


ETA - I actually have a decent relationship with my ex-husband. However, it's never stopped. Silly, stupid lies..."Did you mail Joey's jacket he left at your house?" (Ex lives in Florida) Oh yeah, I mailed it yesterday.

4 days later I get a jacket - postmarked the day after I called. It's annoying. Why can't you just say "Crap! I forgot / I've been so busy / The Truth" What's so hard about that?

 

[Swank]

Everyone lies...

And I sure you do to, you just think that when you lie it is for a good reason. How many times have you used an excuse not to go somewhere with a friend.. or other "White" lies to protect a person's feelings. When your children lie they think it is for a good reason, they don't want to get in trouble for something they have done. They are practicing a skill which they need to live in society. It is your job to give them consequences for their lies. When you catch them in a lie, you can punish them. They will learn how to lie in a acceptable manner.

sounds crazy but I don't know one person who never lies, and if you think your kids don't know that you lie you are fooling yourself. By the way Virginia there is a Santa Clause, at least that is what my parents told me.

 

[bluesaturn]

Yes I do but it was not turned on........

Why do you have a hidden video camera in the house?

 

[DawnCt1]

A little OT but when I worked in psych, I heard the best reason, from a psychiatrist about why kids lie. "Because they want things to be different". Did he need to go to medical school to know that?

 

[MushyMushy]

You shouldn't battle their lying with bluffs. They're old enough to know that you're doing your own version of lying by doing so. If you have video of them doing the act, then watch it. If not, don't claim that you can. It takes away your credibility to be outraged by liars and then tell lies yourself.

 

[palavra]

It's not a character flaw -- they are kids, and trying to avoiding trouble is instinctive for kids. Eventually they learn about the morality of honesty, but it takes a LONG time.

If I might make a suggestion that could lessen your frustration? Stop trying to get them to confess, especially if you already know what happened or who did what. You are inviting them to lie, and just setting them up to dig themselves in deeper and compound the problem, and in so doing you upset yourself far more than you teach them. The whole idea that confession is good for the soul is TOTALLY lost on children; the idea is too complex for them. (I've noticed that people who are really morally offended by lies of any kind always seem to want to try to elicit confessions from wrongdoers before any lie ever actually happens. I think that it's very counterproductive in most circumstances.)

Next time, try something like, "OK, the person who spilled these crackers on the kitchen floor has 5 minutes to get your tush in here and start cleaning it up, or TV will be gone for you both all weekend." That approach gives the culprit the opportunity to make amends without getting in real trouble at all; and you may be able to avoid the issue of lying altogether. (Giving them a short time to start the work gives the kid who didn't do it the opportunity to threaten dire consequences against the one who did, if he/she is going to cause them both to get punished, or to bribe the other one to do the work -- in either case, the goal is to get the mess-maker to get the mess cleaned up; not to force a confession out of the perpetrator.)

Obviously, this strategy isn't appropriate for something really egregious and obviously morally wrong, like torturing an animal. However, for something petty like making a mess, it's a very good option.

I agree with this. I also wanted to point out that kids think very concretely up until they are 10 or so. The line between fantasy and reality is blurred during this time. Sometimes, when your child lies and you know it is a lie, he or she may actually believe what is said is true.

 

[mrodgers]

I'm curious - isn't this a form of lying, since they're actively trying to deceive you by hiding the evidence of their "crime"? Does a lie have to be verbalized, in order to be a lie? What about "lies of omission"?

Ok, yeah you're right. I was lying about that anyways.... hehehe.

Seriously, it's not really that they are trying to cover up what they are doing, just the fact that they get surprised and all guilty about it when I see them cleaning something up.



My mother caught my brother beautifully back in high school. In 1992, the Pittsburgh Penguins won a second straight Stanley Cup Championship. They had a big rally at Three Rivers Stadium. My mother knew my brother would go and warned him not to skip school.

Brother comes home from school....

Mother: How was school today?

Brother: Fine...

Mother: HOW was school today?

Brother: I said fine.

Mother: I'll ask one more time, how was school today?

Brother: School was fine, geez....

Mother: You didn't go to school today, did you?

Brother: Yeah, I went to school.

Mother: That's funny, because I was watching the Penguins celebration on the news and saw you on TV.

Brother: NO WAY!!!!! We were ON TV!!!! I can't wait to tell the guys!!!!

Mother: NO, you weren't on TV, but I did ask and I'll ask again, how was school today...

 

[lukenick1]

Another example of lying........
DS went to friends house with friend to play. Came home and said...."Friend's Mom said he is not allowed to play with me anymore, I heard her tell him that". So me thinking my ds did something wrong wanted to call the friend's parent to ask what happened. About 15 mins later the friend comes to our house looking to play with my son. I ask friend "Ds told me your Mom said you are not allowed to play with him anymore? Friend answers...."no she didn't, just said i have to eat dinner and can play after dinner".
He will make up things and exaggerate.

Another incident.....
Playing at cousins house... cousins come running upstairs (3 of them) tattling that ds said a bad word. He comes up and says he did not say bad word. 3 against 1 here buddy. Stop lying......

another one....
Ds picks up an object and being silly bonks himself on forehead with object, says out loud "oh why did i do that" then starts crying. I ask him why he did that and he claims he did not hit himself with it he tripped. HELLO.....I watched him do it. Ugh! See the frustration here.

There are plenty more incidences, these are only a few more.

 

[cm8]

First off, lying is my pet peeve. I HATE liars. How did I get blessed with 2 liar kids????? My ds's are 7 & 9. My oldest is the worst liar it scares me because he believes his own lies. I've been in a situation with him where I witnessed something and he still insist thats not what happened. Does he need counseling??? Yesterday there was a pack of crackers on the floor and when I asked who put them there neither one of them confessed. I guess they walked there by themselves. Both of them stuck to their guns and blamed each other. Wish I could get thru to them. I will never trust or believe them, how can I??????

Just make sure that you talk to them about lying after each incident. I despise liars too and to the person that said all children lie, I disagree, children usually tell the truth even if it is brutal and hurts our feelings. I always remind my daughter about the little boy who cried wolf and the one where they sky was falling