December 3, 2004
Let's start with the update from yesterday:
1. Devotions 2/31
2. Vitamins 2/31
3. Water 1/31 The ugly truth is that I drank way too much coffee and diet coke and not enough water. What does that spell? Water retention and bloat, my friends, plain and simple.
4. Exercise 0/31 I have grand plans for the treadie this morning, though. Four miles is my goal. So far this week I'm 4/15.
5. Food 2/31

I didn't binge, but I've been doing some serious thinking in this category--more on that in a minute.
6. Scale 2/31

Status quo for yesterday.
All right, girls, I'm ready for some bare-bones reality here. Earning these smilies just isn't enough. I'm not always binge eating, but the bottom line is that I'm taking in more calories than I'm burning and I'm not losing weight. I'm gaining weight. A lot of weight. I'm am not getting anywhere and I'm darn annoyed at myself for telling myself that I can achieve some results if I'm eating in "moderation." I don't think I know what that is, and I don't think I ever will. I need rules--strict, hard ones at that. Even Thin Within has a set of guidelines. They don't want you to think of them as rules, but let's face it, if you don't follow them EXACTLY you're not going to lose weight! There have been many times that I've thought maybe God put Weight Watchers and those darn restrictive points in my life to provide the narrow path I'm supposed to follow.
So I'm telling you all today that I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! I'm SCREAMING IT!
I'm watching myself gain weight faster than I can believe and I HATE IT!!!!!
I HATE THAT MY PANTS ARE TIGHT! I HATE SEEING MY SIZE 10 DRESS THAT I WORE AT EASTER HANGING IN THE CLOSET AND KNOWING THAT I CAN'T EVEN ZIP IT UP! I HATE SEEING MY BALLOON LIKE FACE! I HATE SEEING MY BULGING THIGHS! I WANT TO BE THINNER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I remember what thinner feels like (notice I can't say "thin." Even when I was a size 8-10, I still can't say I was thin. Why the heck is that?!?) I loved seeing my flatter stomach and seeing my bras fit nicely. I felt strong and healthy and YOUNG. NOW I FEEL FAT AND MIDDLE-AGED. I WANT YOUNG! I AM NOT GOING TO ACCEPT THIS!!!!
Dieting stinks, but that's what I'm going to do. I am going on a diet. No, let me say that again: I AM GOING ON A DIET. I DO NOT CARE IF IT'S THE HOLIDAYS! I DON'T CARE IF IT'S GOING TO BE HARD! BRING ON THE POINTS! BRING ON THE RULES! I AM DOING THIS NO MATTER WHAT!
I'm going to get a big sign and stick it on the frig: I AM ON A DIET. I'm going to put it on my desk and write it on my hand!

I've just had enough and rather than spend the day crying about it, I'm going to fight back. I have to. I just can't go back to where I was, and I know FOR SURE that that's where I'm heading.
So WISH buddies, please help me.

OK, now I'm going to cry for real, but please be tough. Tough love is what I need. Don't let me be less than what I know I can be. Keep me in your prayers. I know a lot of you do already, but please pray specifically for this healthy life I want to lead.
Here's the plan for today:
1. Devotions
2. Vitamins--not on an empty stomach
3. Water--haven't started yet, but I will. 8 glasses minimum.
4. Exercise--4 miles on the treadie.
5. Food--I haven't had breakfast yet, but I've had two cups of coffee. 2 points
6. Scale--
The plan for food is as follows:
B--yogurt (2) and almonds (1)
L--soup and crackers (6)
S--orange (1) or (2)
D--something healthy. It'll = about 10 points.
Dessert--I'm buying myself some skinny cows to ease the chocolate cravings.
Thank you for letting me come here to express the hurt, pain, and frustration I feel. It's nice to have a safe place to let it all out.
Erin