Love - How do you know when it's "right?"

[SDFgirl]

I'm feeling kinda blue this Thanksgiving.

My little brother (26 yrs. old) just called. He lives overseas with his girlfriend, who everyone in our family just loves.

Well, we were talking on the phone and he just started crying and said he's not sure his girlfriend is the "one" for him. He has nagging doubts that he can't get rid of. He loves her, she's his best friend, but he just doesn't feel the passion that makes you want to make a lifetime commitment.

He asked me, "Did you ever have any doubts with DF?" Well, no - I haven't. I have known from very early on that I wanted to marry him.

My heart is breaking for him. I told him that, even though it was hard, be shouldn't settle, that it wasn't fair to either him or his GF.

Did I tell him the right thing? Do doubts necessarily mean a relationship isn't "right"?

 

[hiwaygal]

You know your brother better than I do...

Last year my brother and his then girlfriend were planning a vacation to Jamaica. As a surprise for her, he had already planned a wedding down there for them. He was planning on proposing their first night there, then getting married two days later...

But before they left, he asked me almost the same question...he was scared and nervous. Partly because our parents had been through a nasty divorce, and our father went through several other break-ups in our lives...he was worried too...and I told him that NOTHING is guaranteed. There are no guarantees that this woman will love him forever, or that he will love her, or that life will not throw some challenges in their lives that might make it seem easier to just split and go their separate ways...

Marriage isn't all "flowers and laughs and easy and happy"...it takes work to keep the love alive, to keep the "passion" alive, to keep the lines of communication open so that two people grow old TOGETHER!

Personally...I didn't feel all that passionate about my new DH when I first met him and we got "serious" either...but I felt SOOO comfortable in our love. I somehow just knew that it would never fail us. If we had nothing else, we had our love for each other.

Everyone is different...I don't think you necessarily told your brother anything "wrong"...but he has to decide what is important to him in a marriage and determine if he and his girlfriend either have it, or can get it...you know??

Hope that helps...

 

[SDFgirl]

Marriage isn't all "flowers and laughs and easy and happy"...it takes work to keep the love alive, to keep the "passion" alive, to keep the lines of communication open so that two people grow old TOGETHER!

Personally...I didn't feel all that passionate about my new DH when I first met him and we got "serious" either...but I felt SOOO comfortable in our love. I somehow just knew that it would never fail us. If we had nothing else, we had our love for each other.

Everyone is different...I don't think you necessarily told your brother anything "wrong"...but he has to decide what is important to him in a marriage and determine if he and his girlfriend either have it, or can get it...you know??

Hope that helps...

Thanks for sharing your story. I told him that my relationship isn't always passionate or perfect either. But at the end of the day, I can't imagine life without my DF. He doesn't have that "end of the day" feeling with her - that sense of of "this is the right one" isn't there for him.

I feel so sad for him. I know he wants things to work out with her, and he cares so much about her. But there's just something missing, I guess.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'm feeling kinda blue this Thanksgiving.

My little brother (26 yrs. old) just called. He lives overseas with his girlfriend, who everyone in our family just loves.

Well, we were talking on the phone and he just started crying and said he's not sure his girlfriend is the "one" for him. He has nagging doubts that he can't get rid of. He loves her, she's his best friend, but he just doesn't feel the passion that makes you want to make a lifetime commitment.

He asked me, "Did you ever have any doubts with DF?" Well, no - I haven't. I have known from very early on that I wanted to marry him.

My heart is breaking for him. I told him that, even though it was hard, be shouldn't settle, that it wasn't fair to either him or his GF.

Did I tell him the right thing? Do doubts necessarily mean a relationship isn't "right"?

The "not sure" part and "nagging doubts" would concern me too. Especially if he's crying over it. Poor guy!! I'd have said the same thing as you. Or at the very least I'd have said to wait until it feels right. It's not the right thing if he isn't sure. And if it is to be, the timing isn't right.

It should be something you feel like shouting from the rooftops, not crying over.

 

[SDFgirl]

The "not sure" part and "nagging doubts" would concern me too. Especially if he's crying over it. Poor guy!! I'd have said the same thing as you. Or at the very least I'd have said to wait until it feels right. It's not the right thing if he isn't sure. And if it is to be, the timing isn't right.

It should be something you feel like shouting from the rooftops, not crying over.

I don't know how much time he has to wait until it feels right.

See, they're both coming back to the States for Christmas and my wedding. So, if he's going to end things, he's not going to return to Europe after Christmas because he feels it would be leading her on.

I agree that he should feel like shouting from the rooftops, but I'm just wondering if I'm being realistic or not. Just because I've never had any doubts about my relationship, doesn't mean everybody should feel the same way.

 

[Shugardrawers]

Dh is the first relationship I've ever had that I didn't have any doubts about. I used to ask the same question, how do you know when it's right? The answer I always got, that I'd just know, never satisfied me but now I know what they were talking about. Our relationship is far from perfect but I never want to live my life without him. Passion eventually cools off some and you have to be satisfied with what you'd have without it. I'd never dream of telling your brother what to do but it sounds like he's not very satisfied with what he has now and I'd be pretty concerned that he won't ever be really satisfied.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I've been in plenty of relationships where I've had doubts! Never debated the thought of marriage, just the thought if they were the right one with which to carry on a relationship. A doubt in itself for me is a deal breaker as far as marriage! I'd never go into a marriage with such angst and agony. It's a recipe for disaster in my book!

I had no doubts with my DH. Zero. I was excited and happy to marry him (and I'd do it again in a heartbeat).

 

[Wishing on a star]

Dh is the first relationship I've ever had that I didn't have any doubts about. I used to ask the same question, how do you know when it's right? The answer I always got, that I'd just know, never satisfied me but now I know what they were talking about. Our relationship is far from perfect but I never want to live my life without him.

ITA!
These words would have been my words exactly.
While nothing is ever 'perfect', (and we should never expect anyone to be perfect) When I met my DH, there were NO DOUBTS! I could never imagine my life without him.


Just a question... Does your brother give any specifics on why he is feeling this way?

 

[SDFgirl]

ITA!
These words would have been my words exactly.
While nothing is ever 'perfect', (and we should never expect anyone to be perfect) When I met my DH, there were NO DOUBTS! I could never imagine my life without him.


Just a question... Does your brother give any specifics on why he is feeling this way?

No, no specific reasons. She's a great girl, and he's a great guy. I guess he is just at the point now where he feels more platonic towards her than anything else.

I was dating someone else before I met my fiance. A perfectly nice guy - but something (that "spark") was missing. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me - why wasn't I crazy about this amazing guy?

Then, we split and I met my fiance who I was immediately crazy about him. There was just something deep down in my bones that KNEW. It was right - we were right together.

I guess I was just wondering - does it always have to feel "right" all of the time? It did with my fiance, but I don't know if that's how all couples are.

I suppose there's a small part of me that's afraid I am encouraging him to be too picky. Know what I mean?