Looking for advice re: 9 y/o DD!!!

[goofy4tink]

You all have had such terrific thoughts/advice for others, I thought I'ld ask for some insight. My dd, 9, is in 3rd grade. She is cute(red-hair, freckles), very tall for her age, wears glasses and is now wearing a retainer. Her older siblings are very much older...29 and 26. So she is basically an only child. SHe is excluded much of the time in school. Not bullied, just rejected. I have asked for help from her teachers for 2 years now. The school psychiatrist doesn't seem to be overly concerned either. It's just snowballing. If she asks nicely to join a group, she's told.."no, we don't want to play with you." I think she can act somewhat silly and young for her age. And she doesn't always realize she is 'violating someone's personal space.' She's not a brat, doesn't have any 'disfigurements', nothing that would make the other kids reject her. I will admit our town is somewhat cliquish. Always has been. Any thoughts on how to help my poor shy, rejected dd?? It's just about breaking my heart here to see her in tears.

 

[ColoradoBuffaloMom]

It is so hard when our kids are hurting, isn't it?

My dd is 13 now but we have been thru some of this. Kids can be so cruel sometimes without even meaning to.

Are there any after school groups your daughter can join? Brownies, Destination Imagination or Odyssey of the Mind? Any school choirs or plays coming up even if she does behind the scenes stuff? Sports? My daughter doesn't like sports so that limited her options but she really likes crafts so she has done craft classes at the local paint your own pottery place.

I'm sure others will have lots of ideas.

good luck!

Elise

 

[Serena]

I'm sorry to hear that. The only suggestion I can come up with is to get her involved in something. Girl scouts or something like that. She needs friends but you can't make those kids at school play nicely with her.
Good luck

 

[Pam]

Can you get her involved in Scouts, 4-H, gymnastics/dance, Church Youth Group, etc.? Hopefully she will find 1-2 children to become friends with and chances are that they also go to her school.

Ask her if there is someone she can invite over for a playdate. Maybe that will break the ice for her.

Oh - and you said she's tall for her age - I know that's probably hard on her right now - but in a couple of years, she is gonna love that! DD and I are both 5' and our fervent (and unanswered) wish has always been to be tall!

Pam

 

[Michelle]

Your 9-year-old DD sounds EXACTLY like mine! Tall for her age (she's in 4th grade), wears glasses and a retainer, an only child, acts immature for her age, doesn't understand personal space boundaries and has difficulty with other kids at times.

Has she tried playing with some YOUNGER kids? My daughter seems to relate better to kids that are a couple of years younger than she is. I always find her playing with the 2nd graders when I pick her up from after-school care.

You may also want to work with her on the "how to be a friend" behavior. Some kids just don't have the skills and need help understanding how to act in social situations.

My DD is also involved in Indian Princess with my DH, which has been a good experience for her in working with groups.

I totally understand your pain in this, I urge you not to give up on helping her. It will only get worse as they get older; kids get meaner.

Good luck!

 

[Deb in IA]

A few thoughts:

Any chance of the school counselor getting her into a "friendship group"?

How about activities/groups AWAY from school? Girl Scouts? Dance class? Gymnastics? You mention she is tall -- does she like sports? Basketball? Volleyball? Sometimes there are youth leagues.

How about volunteer activities? Does she like animals? Maybe she can do something at your local animal shelter. Does she like to read? Often local public libraries have organized activities for kids.

How about visiting a nursing home? Homeless shelter?

Has she ever had some of the girls over for a party? Or going to a movie? Ice skating? Something like that sometimes helps "break the ice".

Good luck to you and your DD . . .

 

[crazyme5kids]

Everyone has somee good suggestions, but I would like to add one more. Find out if it is just one or two kids that are instigating the problem. My daughter went through the same thing, and as it turned out it was one little girl that would always "turn" the other kids against her. I finally said enough is enough, called the principle and explained what was going on. I thought he haandled it beautifully. He called the other girl and my daughter down to his office, said if it continued he would call her parents. The problem was solved, to tjhe point that at least in the years after, while not friends they were civil to each other.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You need to find an ally "friend" in her class. The teacher has to help this along in some way otherwise I can't see how the goal will be accomplished.
We did this with dd in 4th grade. We had changed schools and dd was determined to HATE it.
Kids can be mean if you are labeled an UNtouchable the other kids follow suit.

Also learning how to be a friend helps tremendously. I know this sounds simple but my dd really needed that kind of advice as she is not so perceptive.

The other DISmembers give good advice. If you and dd are "working" on it that will help her out knowing you are trying to help her solve problems she can't seem to... as she is probably overwhelmed as much as you are.

Good Luck!

 

[goofy4tink]

I just knew that you all would have some good insights!! DD is involved in Brownies, Irish Step Dance, children's theater, choir at church and she loves basketball. She is involved with a lot of things but is always hanging on the sidelines, wanting to have that elusive 'best friend'. We make sure her clothes are the same as the others, her hair is fashionable etc. I guess she just hasn't hooked up with the 'right' kid yet. She does have some friends. But they will say, for instance,...."Well, no. We don't want to sit with you today. We sat with you for 4 days in a row. Find someplace else to eat." Nice, huh?? THanks for the support. We'll keep at it. I know it's a 'little' thing but having a close friend makes life so much nicer.

 

[Patio]

I just wanted to send some {{{{{HUGS}}}}}} to you and your daughter.

 

[browneyes]

I agree with Pam, get her into a group oriented thing like the Girl Scouts or something.

If I was 9 yo again, I would include your dd in my group. It breaks my heart to see someone excluded.

 

[karebear1]

You mentioned that your daughter is shy- it may be that other kids percieve that as being "stuck up". I was shy and many people percieved me as stuck up or moody. We moved a lot as kids. The best advice my mother EVER gave me was when I was in the 4th grade. We were entering another new school and I was afraid I wouldn't have any friends. She told me to look around the room and go and sit by someone that looked lonely or by themselves. I did just that and have ever since- it helped me to come out of my shell and helped me develope better "people" skills.

 

[grinningghost]

Young girls are notorious for being catty and mean. It's very sad. My DD went through alot of that in elementary school, but once she reached middle school it was almost like magic. Most of that disappeared. In our school district, there are so many more activities to become involved in at the middle and high school levels. I really think that elementary schools should do more of that. For now, just keep reminding her that there's another girl somewhere who is looking for a good friend, and she needs to find her. It's very hard, I know. I've been there.

 

[Dream]

I didn't read thru all of the replies here but I do want to strongly suggest that you get your dd involved in Girl Scouting! As a leader I have helped many girls like your dd to "fit in". In the small controlled setting of a Girl Scout troop, under the guidance of a caring leader, girls get beyond the cliques and the ugliness that only a group of girls can produce!! My heart goes out to you and your dd! Pm me if you have any questions about scouting and how to get her in!!! Good luck!!!

 

[goofy4tink]

Thanks again. I had the same problem with being percieved as stuck up. Ah well. Guess we all have to survive childhood. She had a good day today, thank heaven.
Dream...thanks for the offer concerning Scouting. She is active in Brownies, getting ready to bridge to Jrs. Hoping that this group of girls doesn't get too catty.
Again, thanks for the support. I knew you guys would come thru.

 

[dancergirl]

First off, **hugs** for you and your DD.

Someone mentioned trying to invite other girls over to do something, (please dont take any offense to this, just trying to look from a different stand point) Its a good idea, but it could result in those people just being meaner. Im in high school now, I remember being 9 y/o, girls (and guys) can really be cruel. The invite could make her more upset if no one came, I know that would be hard for both of you.
I hope that everything works out for you! Im sure that soon someone will see how great your DD really is, someday, when she is about 16 and wants to spend all her time with her friends/boyfriend, you will miss these days (just a little atleast)

 

[Pin Wizard]

Originally posted by Pam
and you said she's tall for her age - I know that's probably hard on her right now - but in a couple of years, she is gonna love that! DD and I are both 5' and our fervent (and unanswered) wish has always been to be tall!

LOL! I've always been a tall one in class and was never happy about it! I wanted to be shorter.

 

[Pam]

Sandy,
Maybe we could work out an exchange - I could use at least 4"!! It stinks at the grocery story when there's an item on the top shelf....... and I always seem to get nominated for getting anything on the bottom shelf.........


Back to the topic:
I was thinking after I posted about inviting a friend over - and Dancergirl has very valid points........ kids can be sooooo cruel (and I'm counting boys in here as well!).

Pam