Long vent: Am I being unreasonable?

[MerryPoppins]

I'm really angry. I know this will be long, so I'm sorry in advance, but I need to get something off my chest.

Some of you may remember the first part of this story. If so, bear with me while I tell others. In the fall of 2001, I found out I had breast cancer. I had a mastectomy and I'm doing great, but at the time it really shook up my daughter who was in 5th grade. Cancer meant I was going to die in her mind and I don't think she'd ever considered that she could lose me. Anyway, she was trying to be strong for my benefit but she was terrified. I could tell she was scared, but she wasn't to the place where she wanted to talk about it yet, so I was waiting until she was ready.

About a week after my surgery, she went to spend the night at her best friend C's and got teary talking about me and her fears. I guess once she got started the floodgates opened and she had trouble stopping. Her tears irritated the friend's father. He expects his kids to be perfect and they aren't supposed to show emotion. Did they call us and tell me to pick her up? Did they bring her home? No. They were upset that she cried at their house, so they told C that DD was not welcome to spend the night any more. She was too immature. C told DD, but said she couldn't tell anyone else what her dad had said. It was a secret, so I haven't been able to respond.

I was really upset when I found out. I told DH how I felt and he felt they had a right to decide who would/wouldn't spend the night and that C was just wrong to tell what her father had said. That made me upset too because he likes that family and I felt he was standing up for them instead of DD, but that is all water under the bridge. I've never felt the same about this family. I decided that DD was never going there to spend the night again, even if they decided she was suddenly more mature. I just don't like the way they handle things. The girls have continued to get together in the afternoons.

Now, fast forward to December 26th of 2002. C called our house in the morning to talk to DD. DD was in the shower so DS said he'd give her the message that C called. After her shower, DD tried to return the call and the line was busy. She tried several times until we had to go out the door to celebrate Christmas with my family. DD says she did forget to try again to return the call from grandma's house. She did however call the next day and got C's older brother. C was out and he said he'd give her the message that DD called. DD felt that she had returned the call and didn't worry about it after that. We've been busy and figured that C's family was too.

DD just heard from C tonight. Her father is angry with DD that she didn't return the call. He says that DD is "on his list" and is no longer welcome to even come over in the afternoon to play. Again, we aren't supposed to know about this. I don't want to get C into trouble, but I want to respond. I am livid. I think the man is a control freak and I am so very, very angry. Who does he think he is, anyway? The fact that DD didn't return C's call is no worse than the fact that C didn't return DD's call.

Understand this is my DD's best friend in the whole world. They have loved each other since Kindergarten. She has a lot in common with DD and she understandably doesn't like her father very much. We are thrown into the same circles frequently. It's been hard to be nice in the past year. Now I think it may be impossible. I don't know what to do. The good news is that DH is mad this time, too.

Thanks for letting me vent. I have a really sweet little girl. She isn't perfect, but she certainly isn't the type that is unacceptable company for anyone else's child. I resent that implication. She has other friends, her teachers always brag that she is a joy to have in class, everyone loves her. What is this man's problem? It's hurtful not only to me, but to my DD as well. Am I being unreasonable? What would you do?

 

[Boo'sMom]

Oh Hun, I wish I had words to make it all okay.....it hurts so much more when our kids hurt.
Have you tried to approach the mother? Is she any more reasonable than the father?

Just a thought.

S

 

[jeffemy]

Wow- this sounds like a sticky situation- but I think I would have to speak to this childs father because avoiding it out of respect for the kids certainly isn't working and is probably only causing more confusion and misunderstanding. At least you will be able to discover what the father is really upset about and give your perspective about the situation as well. ? Hope things work out!

 

[kejoda]

The father sounds like the immature one. I'm not so sure that I would want my child over there if they have so many secrets. Can she come to youir house? It might be the better solution. Also maybe talking to the Mom might help. I would be very angry too. What kind of person has no compassion for a child whose Mom has Cancer?

 

[chell]

Sorry that I do not have any words of encouragement or advice for you. But I sure would like to go smack that man right upside the head right now! He sounds like a big ole' jerk to me.

 

[RitaZ.]

{{hugs}}

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I don't see how you aren't supposed to know that your DD isn't welcome in their home anymore, I mean it will be quite obvious when your DD isn't asked to visit again. This will be the perfect opportunity to bring up the issue to the girl's parents.

Good luck handling the situation!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Has this man ever said this to your face? If not you are operating on gossip and making decisions based on that is not a good plan. I think once you talk it over with them you will be able to find your solution.
{{{HUGS}}}

 

[Lorix2]

Ooh..now I'm fuming! What an inconsiderate heartless jerk! Instead of trying to somehow comfort your DD and maybe let her open up a bit he's shunned her for showing her fears.

I don't think as a mother and a woman I could let this one go. I would ask to speak to him privately and let him have it. That's just my thoughts and I know you have the girls to consider, but I would definitely want to ask him how he'd comfort his daughter if god forbid his WIFE were going thru what your going thru and his daughter needed him! Would he tell her she's immature and "get over it"? Ok, I'm done. I'm sorry, but I'm really upset for you both.

I hope you continue to be well (this is the 1st post I've read about your situation) and that your daughter's fears will be lessened each day. ((((HUGS)))

 

[jldriscoll]

I couldn't let this one go either....I would also agree that that family has WAY too many secrets and the father is just plain strange. I don't think I would want my dd over there when he is around. Is it possible to always have the playdates at your house?

 

[musicfan]

Can I just ask why you would WANT to work to get your child back into his house?

I think your best bet is to remove yourself from this situation, which is between your daughter and her friend. They will see each other in school, and if your daughter's friend wants to see her bad enough, she'll wear her parents down. Their continued friendship is their business. If you continue to try and fight your daughter's social battles for her, you will be miserable for a long time, because they are only just beginning. Get off the train now. If this friend gets to be more trouble maintaining than she's worth, your daughter will turn to someone else, which looks like it might not be a bad idea, anyway.

 

[Krisu]

That dad sounds odd I would encourage your DD to have the friend at your house. Do you know him well? I wonder if there is another reason this friend could be telling your DD these things? I think I would not get too involved given their ages.

 

[nativetxn]

I don't think you are over reacting. I'm just going to offer you {{{HUGS}}} sweetie

 

[WillyJ]

You are not being unreasonable at all MP- The man sounds like a total nutjob!!!

Not only did your daughter return the call (certainly not her fault the line was busy and then the girl wasn't available) but even if she hadn't, what sane adult reacts like that to a unreturned call between 6th graders ???

And for him to feel anything but sympathy and understanding for a little girl crying because she is scared about her mother having cancer. . . I call second behind chellnjr. to give the heartless ******* a good smack. .


Normally I'd say confront the guy, but in this case I'm not sure what that could possibly accomplish except to probably cause problems for the other little girl. . . and while I find it unlikely that a kid would make something up like that, I suppose Mystery Machine has a point in that it could be something other then what the friend told your daughter.

I'd probaly just give it a little time, then give them a call and say you couldn't help but notice your daughter hadn't been invited over lately, and ask them if there is some kind of problem you aren't aware of? I'd think that by talking to either parent, you could get a good idea if something is really that amiss.

Maybe there is some other rational explanation; but until I heard one, I'd keep my daughter away from there, and make sure the kid's time together is at your house or the park or something. . .

Good luck with things MP; I'm sorry you and your daughter are dealing with something so hurtful and bizzare as this. . please let us know what happens. . .

 

[susy]

I am livid for you!!!!

I would not confront him at all. He will turn it all around on you before you can get a word out. Instead, I would write letter.

I am also VERY against all types of "phone courtesy" rules.
It is one of the things that leaves so much room for misunderstandings among friends and family

 

[Snow White]

Argh! What a jerk!! He obviously has no idea how to treat people!! I would be furious too! I would just continue to treat the little girl as nicely as possible, especially since she is such good friends with your little one, but I would not let my child go to that man's house! I feel sorry for his daughter, she must be very embarrassed about his behaviour!

I didn't know about your surgery, I hope you are doing well, and continue to stay very healthy! PD and prayers coming your way in hopes that this situation works out in a very positive way for all concerned. Maybe there is something wonderful in the works here....

 

[minniecarousel]

I think I'd not want my DD there also. Will the father allow the girl come to your house? I agree with WillyJ - I'd let some time pass & then call and say that DD hadn't been there for a while - was there a problem? BTW - where is the mother in all this?
Make sure that your DD knows that there are all kinds of people in this world - some are not very kind - a good learning experience for her!

 

[MerryPoppins]

I DON'T want to work to get my child back in that house. I am angry with C's parents and don't particularly want her to ever set foot in their house again. The sad part is that I love that little girl and I know she didn't choose her parents. I haven't been fighting DD's social battles for her. I've been sitting back and just letting it go. The girls have handled it alone. We've not done the sleepover thing on purpose, so it wouldn't put pressure on her family to ask DD back (and because I wouldn't let her if they invited her).

You have to understand that I feel like the sleepover ordeal was because of me. I feel guilty for what happened even though I sure didn't get cancer on purpose. I know it isn't my fault, but I can't help the way it makes me feel. I've kicked myself that I let her go spend the night that night, but I really had no clue that she would fall apart. All they had to do was give us a call and we would have picked her up in 5 minutes!

I don't want to talk to him for my daughter's sake. I just want to let him have it for being a total jerk. I'm furious. I can't imagine why C would tell my daughter stories about her father that paint him in such a light, but I guess I can see your point, Mystery Machine. I think she just tells DD because she is frustrated and they are such good friends that she feels comfortable opening up with her.

I've worked more closely with the mom. DH and I were Girl Scout leaders with her. I have to say that even after several years of working together we were not close. She always seemed a little uptight. I do know they have a very inflexible lifestyle, and that is from my personal experience not gossip. I'm not saying that is necessarily bad, but I sure think it helps to be able to bend a little when you have kids in the family. We choose our battles at our house and try not to sweat the small stuff. We have fewer rules, but the kids know that they are the law.

Yes, C is welcome to come play at our house. She knows that. I'm just beginning to wonder if dad will let her come here anymore either. If it becomes apparent that she isn't welcome, I will initiate a discussion. If he puts the brakes on the girls relationship, I think I will have to say something! At that point the girls won't have anything to lose. I just sort of hate to get C into trouble for sharing the info with my daughter when she was told to keep it under her hat. I don't know what he would do if he knew she crossed him.

 

[Krisu]

Sounds like there is a lot going on in that house that you're not aware of. Especially when you describe the wife.

 

[Michelle]

{{{HUGS}}} Merry, what an awful situation all around. You are doing exactly what I would do, no words of advice, I just hope for the girls' sake that the idiot father comes to his senses!

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

Hugs to you, and I would be careful. He doesn't sound completely stable, and if you ever do confront him, I wouldn't do it alone. I don't mean gang up on him, but perhaps maybe both sets of parents together. That way there are witnesses to the actual discussion and it would be a safer thing for you.