Life sucks then you die....Caution: negative post, turn back now...

[RNMOM]

I just wrote a very long post that did not post. Hmmm. Well, here goes again.

DS#1 graduated Monday evening. I was the person in charge of the class senior parent after grad party and spent a lot of time with it. To make my formerly long story short, he did not show up. Monday am Mike, Ryan, and Samantha came home and woke me asking me to write Sam a check for some overdue fees so she could graduate. I did it and gave Mike and Ryan cards with a good bit of money in them for presents. Mike was going to Sam's party then to come to the After Grad party with her and Ryan. They never showed up. He told DH they got busy doing something else. They all knew I needed them and expected them. I had 121 other kids show up and all the other parent chaperones kid's were there. I was so hurt and embarassed. He then stayed over at Ryans that night.

Tues. he was not speaking TO ME!? I was also not speaking to him. It has been very quiet here lately. To top it off he has stayed home every evening, just to spite me, I think.

This kid is a very headstrong person and very independent. He is a non smoker, non drinker and anti drug. He is very ecologically minded and is a strict vegitarian. In other words, he is better than the rest of us at home. He has never gotten into trouble except for expressing his opinion at school.

I have had it with this behavior. I have talked with him before and he accuses me of being "controlling". This is because his dad and I have asked him to get a job to help pay his insurance, which he never did and now it is too late. Oh yeah, he got a speeding ticket last week. He has also had two minor accidents. Our insurance is going to go up and he won't even be on it soon. When I have talked to him about respect for other people he says, "you mean control". No, I mean respect. Well, this week I have "respectfully" not washed his laundry or allowed him to drive my car.

Yes, he has had therapy. It seemed to make things worse lately. I have had it with this behavior. I would not tolerate it from my husband or a friend, I certainly won't tolerate it from my son. If he were 18 I would probably invite him to move out but that is not possible.

He leaves for Army boot camp July 24th. I am NOT going to his boot graduation in November. DH will go and that is fine. I am not extending myself to this kid anymore.

To top it off this Sunday is my 49th birthday. DH asked me what I want and I said for the 3 of them to go away and leave me home alone without the stress of being around him. If I did not have to work nights this weekend I would leave them and go away for a few days. So, this is my reward for working so hard all these years to make sure he is safe, warm, & healthy. For moving to a better city so his education is better. For exposing him to Indian Guides, Scouts, soccer, baseball, summer camps, horseback riding. For taking his butt to WDW 6 times, the last including his friend Ryan. He did not even get his dad and I a Christmas card on that trip or an anniversary card. I really raised some nice kid there. Thankfully, his brother is very little like him.

So, DH and I are ANXIOUSLY planning for our future without kids. We plan to move away, build a ONE bedroom house and live our own lives. Obviously we won't have to worry about this kid moving back in with us. I hope the Army has an easier time than I have. Thanks for listening to my rant.

 

[Maray]

((((Hugs))))
I can certainly empathize with you.
I've raised three sons
We went thru some trials with them thru their teen years.
especially from 16-19 yrs.old.
They think they "Know it all" at that age.
It's a hard time for both of you.

Believe me, it gets better as they mature and finally respect and appreciate all you've done for them.
My sons are now 27,29, 35 and I love them dearly,tho they put me thru some hell when they were teens. They can look back now and joke about the things they did.
Mom still does not find most of it amusing!

Our middle son was our "problem child".
He was the brightest and the most difficult.
It took him longer to mature then his younger brother.
But, He has turned out great.

Your son sounds like he needs to do some growing up.
Hang in there,some time and distance will make it all turn around.

I can understand your hurt,"they" just don't get it,but they certainly know how to push our buttons.

Feel free to e-mail me if you need to vent .
Again (((HUGS))) from me to you,
Marilyn

PS Hoping you have a Happier Birthday
Leave the kids and go out w/DH for Dinner and a movie
Do something nice for YOURSELF for a change.

 

[SnowAngel]

{{{{hugs}}}}
That is a difficult age to live through. My kids are still young but I remember when I was a teen and how my Mom said I'm going to have kids just like me.

 

[Betsyt82]

I am sad to hear how it is going with your son. Don't give up! Some day I believe you will have a nice adult child. Me thinks boot camp and Army might help out..............they have away with teaching life.

 

[dbond]

Sadly, it's not just the sons, daughters can have an attitude as well. Our 19 yo DD is home for the summer after her first year of college. You would think that we spent the last 40+ years on the stupid farm the way she treats us now. She also thinks that since officially she doesn't live here anymore except when school is out, she shouldn't be required to participate in any of the family activities, ie, cleaing her room/bathroom, helping with dinner, cleaning the kitchen, feeding the dog, coming home at a reasonable hour so the whole house is not disrupted, or even having a conversation with her siblings. She has nothing to do with us, and she has such an attitude about everything we say, it's difficult to even have her around. She took a govt class this past semester and she has decided her newfound ideology is going to save society as we know it and her parents are major contributors to the ills of the world. All of this from a child that has a brand new car, has a cell phone, credit card, doesn't pay insurance, goes to the college of her choice, she doesn't have a financial worry in the world cause Mom & Dad have taken care of it all for her, she has traveled all over the world, had it all. She has a great job this summer, working 40 hrs a week as an intern in her major, but she thinks she's the only person in the world that works so hard and she comes home only to sleep. I can be so proud of her for her grades, dedication & motivation one minute and then so mad at her for the way she treats the rest of us the next! We're just trying to be patient with her and counting the days until she goes back to college. We've decided that since she's working at a good job this summer that she's going to be responsible for some of her own expenses next year. That went over like a lead balloon. Hang in there RNMOM, like Maray said, I'm sure they are going to get past this and appreciate us and maybe even like us later. Boot Camp will open his eyes to how much he really appreciates his Mommy! Go to his graduation, he'll be REALLY happy to see you and you'll probably be really missing him by then. He'll take your "controlling" anyday after they get through with him!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Oh how I feel your pain...only my dd is only 12 ...God give me strength for that age! Last night I had to ground her from the computer till July because I had had it with the attitude. Last night her and 6yo dd were having their snack and the 6yo says to her big sis'..."I love You" (sniff, sniff) to which 12yo dd says "I hate you" grrrr...(DH rounded the corner and caught her saying this)

{{{{{HUGS}}}}} for you mom and have a Happy Birthday! As long as us parents are still standing HA! to those kids, eh? He thinks your controlling??? Wait till boot camp....

 

[snoopy]

Sending you HUGE cyber {{{hugs}}} RNMom. I can feel your pain in your post.

I hope things get better for your family.

 

[kdibattista]

I can't give any advice.... just HUGS!!!!

 

[SilverLily]

I am sorry you are going through a rough time, but wow! There is so much disdain for your kids in your post. Do you think your son can also sense this from you?

Maybe you haven't posted the whole story, but it sounds to me like he is going through normal teenager stuff. Most people I know went through a stage where they only cared about ME ME ME. Parents need to stick to their guns and not let them get away with acting like they aren't a part of the family. If you give up and let him do whatever he likes, he may continue to be this way. If you set your rules and stick by them, he will learn that it is not ok to treat family this way. It wil take some time and there may be many struggles, but if he learns he can't walk all over you he will have respect for you later.

You son is still a kid and still needs you to guide him and teach him proper behavior. Good luck with everything.

 

[Pin Wizard]

He sounds normal (unfortunately.) I'm sure the Army will have him in line in no time!

 

[SuiteDisney]

(((hugs))) I have a 17 y.o. son - I can completely empathize.

 

[DopeyRN]

What he did was wrong and I would be hurt/angry also. My relationship with my 21 yo is not the best either. My hope is when he someday moves out we might become friends. {{{Hugs}}} (I will not judge you for anxiously awaiting empty nest...part of me is too)

 

[WebmasterAlex]

I think that army basic training might make a huge difference in a kid like that.. he thinks YOU were controlling? He's in for a shock.. maybe he will learn a lesson!!
I have seen many kids come out with changed attitudes, maybe after he goes threw that and you have had a break things can be a little better.

 

[Keli]

Oh definitely don't make up your mind about attending the army boot camp graduation yet. There may be a huge change in your ds after a few weeks getting his butt kicked around by guys that want to make his world difficult, lol. Yep, the army tends to mature irresponsible, ungrateful young men.

BTW, I would have been hurt too if I were you and I'd be feeling about the same toward my kid as you are feeling toward yours right now.

 

[perdidobay]

(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
I've been in your shoes. I agree with Alex, I think boot camp will make a world of difference in his attitude.
Hang in there.............................
MJ

 

[wdwnutze]

As the mother of a 19yo ds I can totally relate. My son also didn't think he should contribute financially to his insurance so he no longer is insured on our cars. If he wants clean clothes, he has to wash them(he's been doing his own laundry since he was 14). He is home from college for the summer and he has to work full time(he wants to but a car so he needs the money). Even though he is working full-time he is still expected to mow the lawn ad help with different household chores. Our rule has always bee, "Our house, our rules." If he doesn't like it, he is free to move along on his own. Sounds like the Army is a good move for your son. By the time he graduates in November he will be a different person. Don't miss the chance to see him graduate from boot camp. It is a milestone in his life that will make you proud. Keep your chin up and good luck over the next few weeks. Just breath deep and count to 10!

 

[Tiggeroo]

I can so understand about the party thing. I have a 15yo son who always wanted to do football. I signed him up freshman year. He played freshman and sophomore year and had a good time. Last year I signed up to help on the booster club. I ran the sub sale, have been chosen to be secretary, and am organizing a big barbeque for the incoming freshman over the summer. My son went to the meeting this week for next year. The coach increased the practices a bit and is insisting on time in the weight room. My son has decided he doesn't want to football this year. He'd rather hang around the house doing nothing. So, what, he quits and I am committed to the booster club. Nope, I am going to make him stick with it for this year. I feel terrible about this, cause I don't want him to do a sport he doesn't want to do. But he apparently feels no guilt about dropping out and leaving me stuck with my responsibilities. His response is that I shouldn't get involved anyway. This is my difficult know it all child. He gripes about every chore, and truly believes he is the only one who has to do anything or who is ever punished for anything.
But he is also a good kid, who doesn't do drugs or drink. I'd still go to the grad.

 

[Blondie]

I have two boys, ages 12 and 13, and I can't even imagine what is in store of us in the coming years!

I understand why you feel the way you do, it's frustrating to have someone you love act this way.

Since Sean died in the car accident (two weeks ago today) my in-laws (his parents) are doing the "coulda/shoulda/woulda" in respects to some minor problems they were having with him, the "if only we" and the "why didn't we" scenarios. He's gone now, and nothing will bring him back.

I think boot camp will make a BIG difference in both of your lives. I think you'll have a completely different perspective in the coming months. And so will he. (((hugs)))

 

[Jenzebelle]

It must be really rough for you to have to deal with a situation like that.

I can't help but be taken aback by the tone of your post, though. I don't know if you're just upset and venting, or if you really feel that way about your children.

I was a typical teen. I was a good kid and got good grades and didn't cause my parents too much trouble. But I was headstrong and insolent when I wanted to be. And I often wanted to be. Nothing I did was ever good enough for my mother, and we always butted heads. My Mother couldn't wait for me to be gone and you could tell. She probably could have written a very similar post to what you wrote. You know what? I knew she couldn't stand me and why would I go out of my way to do anything nice to her knowing that she couldn't wait for me to leave? I thought anything nice we did as a family was for my siblings or to impress her friends - not because she wanted to do something nice for me. And so I was more and more insolent and acted out to her. Because I thought she didn't care about me.

My mother never came out and said she wanted me to leave, but you don't need to be told that in order to know it. Kids know when they aren't wanted, and it's possible your son is acting out because he's hurting because he thinks you don't love him.

Please don't jump on the defensive - I am not saying you are a bad parent. I'm not saying you don't love your kids. I'm not saying you don't have a right to be upset. It's just that the disdain you are feeling for your kids is really evident in the tone of your thread and I'm sure they can sense it at home and that might be part of the problem. I'm just trying to show you the other perspective from someone that's lived the other side.

Good luck and I hope you reconsider about the graduation. Missing out on something so huge could probably damage your relationship forever.

 

[4greatboys]

My prayers are with you. My 2 oldest are teens and sometimes they can be such a pleasure and other times I have to restrain myself from choking them then packing their bags to send them to dad. I hear from lots of other parents they do eventually get better. It may take a while for them to mature but it does happen. Just hang in there. Remember one day he will be dad and get the same treatment