Letter to Soon-to-Be Ex-Sister-in-Law?

[ToddyLu]

This is why I do not have a FB account and never will...it is woven into relationships like it is a person or something. That is really creepy.

Leave your SIL alone and concentrate on being the great aunt with her children. That is your responsibility, nothing more.

And I thought the thread about not inviting the evil MIL to the baby shower was kinda weird. I mean yes, this is in a sense social media where we are anonymous for the most part. I am glad there is a Community board but I think I will spend time on the other forums.

Good luck to you OP and especially to your nieces and nephews...who are much more important than your SIL or Brother at this point.

 

[minkydog]

My brother married a younger girl 20 years ago (she was about 19 & he was about 27). My brother is very opinionated, old-fashioned, and stubborn. She was always very quiet and never went against anything he said. If he was mad & stopped talking to us, so did she.

Fast-forward to late 2012. They have 4 kids and they're financially stable. She undergoes weight-loss surgery & he plans to. She's still pretty quiet, but she's gotten a little more out-spoken. They're having behavior issues with the 2nd oldest child. And the worse it gets with him, the worse my brother's temper gets. Let me preface this by saying, he doesn't go out of his way to hurt his children, but when they're bad he still believes in a whoop on the butt. She wanted to go for counciling a few years ago & my brother refused.

She never had a normal 20-year-old's social life, she was married & trying to have children. I believe the weight loss surgery and a promotion at work have emboldened my sister-in-law. She's going out with friends more. She's getting her hair done every other week. She's taking weekend trips to the shore. She's no longer afraid to speak her mind and disagree. (this the part where I was proud of her, but that has since changed)

And now that she's not afraid to speak up, she filed for divorce a few weeks ago. At the time, I thought I can't blame her, my brother is a hard guy to get along with. And if she truly fears for her children's life, then I fully support her. But I don't think that's it. I think she's making it look like that to drive my brother out of the picture. It is quite clear that a few of her actions were done to intentionally push my brother's buttons. Before she filed, they were supposed to go thru counciling and now she refused.

The other night, my brother told me she deleted him off Facebook and one of their sons, stating they were spying on her. To me, that statement means there's something to be spied on. Is there someone else? I don't know. I certainly think someone is putting thoughts in her head, whether it's a friend or a romantic interest, I don't know. And today I noticed she deleted me & my husband, too. Guess we were undercover spies, too. Hmmm...

Now I feel like writing a letter to her. I want to say I would've supported her decision and that we could've still been civil. We could've remained neutral so that our kids could still have fun like cousins should. I went years not talking to my brother and it was the birth of their daughter (2 months premature) that brought our family back together (she's the same age as our daughter). So I went years not knowing their older 3 children. I don't want that to happen again now just because they're not together anymore. But now that she's being a "B" about everything, I just feel that someone needs to tell her to grow up. I feel like she's going thru her 20's now and she's not behaving like a respectful mother and aunt. I don't necessarily feel that a letter from me will change anything but I feel it's my only chance to express myself before she totally shuts the door. I know their marriage is none of my business and I don't plan to address any of that, but our friendship is my business, and so is the way her actions are affecting my daughter.

Any suggestions?
(sorry for the long post)

Yes Butt out. You may think you know about their relationship but you don't. There is a LOT more to this story.

 

[davedmaine]

My brother married a younger girl 20 years ago (she was about 19 & he was about 27). My brother is very opinionated, old-fashioned, and stubborn. She was always very quiet and never went against anything he said. If he was mad & stopped talking to us, so did she.

Fast-forward to late 2012. They have 4 kids and they're financially stable. She undergoes weight-loss surgery & he plans to. She's still pretty quiet, but she's gotten a little more out-spoken. They're having behavior issues with the 2nd oldest child. And the worse it gets with him, the worse my brother's temper gets. Let me preface this by saying, he doesn't go out of his way to hurt his children, but when they're bad he still believes in a whoop on the butt. She wanted to go for counciling a few years ago & my brother refused.

She never had a normal 20-year-old's social life, she was married & trying to have children. I believe the weight loss surgery and a promotion at work have emboldened my sister-in-law. She's going out with friends more. She's getting her hair done every other week. She's taking weekend trips to the shore. She's no longer afraid to speak her mind and disagree. (this the part where I was proud of her, but that has since changed)

And now that she's not afraid to speak up, she filed for divorce a few weeks ago. At the time, I thought I can't blame her, my brother is a hard guy to get along with. And if she truly fears for her children's life, then I fully support her. But I don't think that's it. I think she's making it look like that to drive my brother out of the picture. It is quite clear that a few of her actions were done to intentionally push my brother's buttons. Before she filed, they were supposed to go thru counciling and now she refused.

The other night, my brother told me she deleted him off Facebook and one of their sons, stating they were spying on her. To me, that statement means there's something to be spied on. Is there someone else? I don't know. I certainly think someone is putting thoughts in her head, whether it's a friend or a romantic interest, I don't know. And today I noticed she deleted me & my husband, too. Guess we were undercover spies, too. Hmmm...

Now I feel like writing a letter to her. I want to say I would've supported her decision and that we could've still been civil. We could've remained neutral so that our kids could still have fun like cousins should. I went years not talking to my brother and it was the birth of their daughter (2 months premature) that brought our family back together (she's the same age as our daughter). So I went years not knowing their older 3 children. I don't want that to happen again now just because they're not together anymore. But now that she's being a "B" about everything, I just feel that someone needs to tell her to grow up. I feel like she's going thru her 20's now and she's not behaving like a respectful mother and aunt. I don't necessarily feel that a letter from me will change anything but I feel it's my only chance to express myself before she totally shuts the door. I know their marriage is none of my business and I don't plan to address any of that, but our friendship is my business, and so is the way her actions are affecting my daughter.

Any suggestions?
(sorry for the long post)

I suggest you mind your own business or be considered part of the problem..

 

[RitaZ.]

If what you really want out of this is a chance to be close to her children, then writing a nasty letter about a situation where you only know part of the story is not going to accomplish your goal at all--in fact, it would just about guarantee that it will be quite some time before you have contact with the children again.

or she may never see them again.

If you feel the need to write a letter to your SIL, make it about wanting to remain active in her children's lives. Whatever caused their marriage to fail is between your brother and SIL. It's not your place to tell her to grow up. It sounds like she is growing up and becoming a woman with the ability to assert herself.

 

[hereyago]

Perhaps now she is learning how to set boundaries and you need to learn how not to cross them. Their marriage and divorce has nothing to do with you. Concentrate on being a aunt.

 

[glammadiva]

Sorry OP. You have no idea what she has gone through with your brother. Sounds like she finally is coming into her own after taking garbage for years. Since you are now judging her she was right to unfriend you. Your job and your only job is to be an aunt.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

I would suggest starting a journal for all the thoughts you want to get out. I wouldn't send her a letter at all, despite how much you want to.

 

[tasha99]

OMG--Stay out of it. You have no idea about what goes on in her marriage. Don't create drama with a letter like that.

 

[SLP958]

Another vote for MYOB. Her decisions have nothing to do with you. If you further involve yourself by writing a letter, you will have proved her right for ending contact with you.

 

[Allison]

Keep the pen down and the mouth shut.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I would write her a letter, but only to tell her that you and your family will be there for her and that it is important to you that the cousins continue to see each other. I would also tell her that you are happy to take the cousins for an occasional day if she needs some free time.

It sounds like the kids could probably use some time away from both your brother and SIL, and it's important for them to see what a stable life is (assuming you have that). As their aunt, I would want to be there for during the divorce, it is likely to be an even more difficult time than usual given their parent's issues.

 

[indygirl99]

My brother married a younger girl 20 years ago (she was about 19 & he was about 27). My brother is very opinionated, old-fashioned, and stubborn. She was always very quiet and never went against anything he said. If he was mad & stopped talking to us, so did she.

Fast-forward to late 2012. They have 4 kids and they're financially stable. She undergoes weight-loss surgery & he plans to. She's still pretty quiet, but she's gotten a little more out-spoken. They're having behavior issues with the 2nd oldest child. And the worse it gets with him, the worse my brother's temper gets. Let me preface this by saying, he doesn't go out of his way to hurt his children, but when they're bad he still believes in a whoop on the butt. She wanted to go for counciling a few years ago & my brother refused.

She never had a normal 20-year-old's social life, she was married & trying to have children. I believe the weight loss surgery and a promotion at work have emboldened my sister-in-law. She's going out with friends more. She's getting her hair done every other week. She's taking weekend trips to the shore. She's no longer afraid to speak her mind and disagree. (this the part where I was proud of her, but that has since changed)

And now that she's not afraid to speak up, she filed for divorce a few weeks ago. At the time, I thought I can't blame her, my brother is a hard guy to get along with. And if she truly fears for her children's life, then I fully support her. But I don't think that's it. I think she's making it look like that to drive my brother out of the picture. It is quite clear that a few of her actions were done to intentionally push my brother's buttons. Before she filed, they were supposed to go thru counciling and now she refused.

The other night, my brother told me she deleted him off Facebook and one of their sons, stating they were spying on her. To me, that statement means there's something to be spied on. Is there someone else? I don't know. I certainly think someone is putting thoughts in her head, whether it's a friend or a romantic interest, I don't know. And today I noticed she deleted me & my husband, too. Guess we were undercover spies, too. Hmmm...

Now I feel like writing a letter to her. I want to say I would've supported her decision and that we could've still been civil. We could've remained neutral so that our kids could still have fun like cousins should. I went years not talking to my brother and it was the birth of their daughter (2 months premature) that brought our family back together (she's the same age as our daughter). So I went years not knowing their older 3 children. I don't want that to happen again now just because they're not together anymore. But now that she's being a "B" about everything, I just feel that someone needs to tell her to grow up. I feel like she's going thru her 20's now and she's not behaving like a respectful mother and aunt. I don't necessarily feel that a letter from me will change anything but I feel it's my only chance to express myself before she totally shuts the door. I know their marriage is none of my business and I don't plan to address any of that, but our friendship is my business, and so is the way her actions are affecting my daughter.

Any suggestions?
(sorry for the long post)

Stay out of it and stay neutral. I think it is you that needs to grow up.

Many in my family did just what you want to do when I filled for and divorced my abusive first husband. Six years later when he went to prison for trying to kill his second wife those who had written letters and "disowned" me had egg on their face.

It takes alot to mend those distroyed relationships. You have a chance right now to take the high road. Please take it.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well if you write that letter you'll solidify the fact that the nieces & nephews will not be seen by you unless they happen to be with you over-bearing bad-tempered brother.

Mind your business and try and be there for those kids as much as you can.

 

[Sabeking]

Repeat after me.....move away from the pen, move away from the pen, etc....

 

[Liberty Belle]

OP, you said you were concerned that she was not living her life the way a mom or aunt should. You didn't give any specifics that I could see except that she unfriended all of you from facebook. Is that what you mean? Or are you afraid she is dating someone (what she's "trying to hide") and you think she shouldn't be? Not sure what you're talking about - hope you don't mean she's endangering the kids.

Something else, if one of her children has behavior problems, they could very well be based on how your brother acted towards the kids and his wife. Maybe she realized that and that helped in her decisions.

 

[MickeySP]

OMG I know how your SIL feels. 8 years ago I did GBP and lost 200lbs. My then DH (you'll notice I said then) could not handle it when my self esteem grew & grew, instead of enjoying a new lease on life I was made to feel like I had made a mistake, like I was less than a person.


Now you say hers was always domineering, so can you imagine how this would set him off. Of course she is getting her self esteem from others, she didn't get it at home.



You do not know why she unfriended them, you know what they say. My ex made all sorts of snarky remarks about me being after friends husbands & mine was never abusive before.


I applaud her for taking back her life & frankly unless you have lived in their house, in their bed, in their life - stay out of it!!!

You NEVER know what goes on in someone else's marriage

 

[LoserMomma]

If she has a halfway decent divorce attorney, she was advised to delete everyone or close her facebook account.

I agree with everyone else that you need to stay out of the middle. (but the evil person in me wants you to take HER side, because your brother sounds like a real jerk)

 

[pearlieq]

Stay out. Mind your own business.

If you have things you want to say, write them in a journal or tell them to your dog.

Hard as it may be to hear, your opinions about how she's living her life are about the last thing she needs to concern herself with at this difficult time.

40 complete strangers are all telling you the same thing here. LISTEN.

 

[manning]

Let me put this politely....BUTT OUT OF IT.

A wise one in our family once said with a situation like this.

"There's often three sides to the story.. His side, her side and the real side."

 

[OceanAnnie]

Nothing in writing.

You can't change how other people act. You can only change your own actions.

If you want the children to have a relationship, ask the mother if your niece can come over or go to the movies with your dd. Don't say a word about the situation. Just try to keep lines open for the kids now and then. When you are in the company of your niece, don't ask a thing. Don't volunteer a thing. Just be there for her and foster the relationship with your dd.

This kind of change is hard for everyone. Don't make it harder than it has to be. Be kind. So much of the time we don't know what others are going through. Kindness goes a long way.

So often I'm amazed when a friend or an acquaintance shares problems I would have never dreamed they were going through. It surprises me how much I (we) tend to fill in the gaps with so little information.

It will all work out in the end. Just be kind and don't let negative thoughts get the best of you.