Letter to Soon-to-Be Ex-Sister-in-Law?

[eeyore29]

My brother married a younger girl 20 years ago (she was about 19 & he was about 27). My brother is very opinionated, old-fashioned, and stubborn. She was always very quiet and never went against anything he said. If he was mad & stopped talking to us, so did she.

Fast-forward to late 2012. They have 4 kids and they're financially stable. She undergoes weight-loss surgery & he plans to. She's still pretty quiet, but she's gotten a little more out-spoken. They're having behavior issues with the 2nd oldest child. And the worse it gets with him, the worse my brother's temper gets. Let me preface this by saying, he doesn't go out of his way to hurt his children, but when they're bad he still believes in a whoop on the butt. She wanted to go for counciling a few years ago & my brother refused.

She never had a normal 20-year-old's social life, she was married & trying to have children. I believe the weight loss surgery and a promotion at work have emboldened my sister-in-law. She's going out with friends more. She's getting her hair done every other week. She's taking weekend trips to the shore. She's no longer afraid to speak her mind and disagree. (this the part where I was proud of her, but that has since changed)

And now that she's not afraid to speak up, she filed for divorce a few weeks ago. At the time, I thought I can't blame her, my brother is a hard guy to get along with. And if she truly fears for her children's life, then I fully support her. But I don't think that's it. I think she's making it look like that to drive my brother out of the picture. It is quite clear that a few of her actions were done to intentionally push my brother's buttons. Before she filed, they were supposed to go thru counciling and now she refused.

The other night, my brother told me she deleted him off Facebook and one of their sons, stating they were spying on her. To me, that statement means there's something to be spied on. Is there someone else? I don't know. I certainly think someone is putting thoughts in her head, whether it's a friend or a romantic interest, I don't know. And today I noticed she deleted me & my husband, too. Guess we were undercover spies, too. Hmmm...

Now I feel like writing a letter to her. I want to say I would've supported her decision and that we could've still been civil. We could've remained neutral so that our kids could still have fun like cousins should. I went years not talking to my brother and it was the birth of their daughter (2 months premature) that brought our family back together (she's the same age as our daughter). So I went years not knowing their older 3 children. I don't want that to happen again now just because they're not together anymore. But now that she's being a "B" about everything, I just feel that someone needs to tell her to grow up. I feel like she's going thru her 20's now and she's not behaving like a respectful mother and aunt. I don't necessarily feel that a letter from me will change anything but I feel it's my only chance to express myself before she totally shuts the door. I know their marriage is none of my business and I don't plan to address any of that, but our friendship is my business, and so is the way her actions are affecting my daughter.

Any suggestions?
(sorry for the long post)

 

[diznygirl]

Never put anything in writing.

And you should stay out of it. It's not your marriage.

 

[packofjedis]

I still have a letter that my mom wrote to me in anger 13+ years ago. Don't put it in writing. It's a permanent record.

And I agree with the PP - not your marriage, so don't go there. What happens if your brother and her reconcile years from now. She'll always remember what you had to say.

Sit back and watch is my advice.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

I would stay the heck out of it. I would not write a letter at all. You don't have any clue what's going on between her and your brother, either could be at fault or, more likely, it's a little bit of both.

Stay out of it entirely and try your best to let the kids remain friends. If you see her discuss anything in the world but her marriage.

 

[tar heel]

You would have supported her and remained neutral if she hadn't unfriended you on Facebook? Seriously? I think you have no idea what has gone on in that marriage and that you should strive to stay out of it. If you want to maintain a relationship with her, that should include you not being involved in any way in her marriage issues, including talking about them.

 

[RitaE]

Do not write the letter. Respect her right to limit Facebook contact with her soon to be ex-husband and his family and quit trying to psychoanalyze her haircuts and social life.

 

[disykat]

You've described a woman who SHOULD try to get out of her marriage because she and her kids are being abused by your brother, now you want to write her a letter berating her over her Facebook friend list?

I honestly think it's pretty normal to "delete" people when you divorce. I also think it's normal to expect a certain amount of privacy in terms of the daily details of your life from your x's family as you move on with your new life.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My brother married a younger girl 20 years ago (she was about 19 & he was about 27). My brother is very opinionated, old-fashioned, and stubborn. She was always very quiet and never went against anything he said. If he was mad & stopped talking to us, so did she.

Fast-forward to late 2012. They have 4 kids and they're financially stable. She undergoes weight-loss surgery & he plans to. She's still pretty quiet, but she's gotten a little more out-spoken. They're having behavior issues with the 2nd oldest child. And the worse it gets with him, the worse my brother's temper gets. Let me preface this by saying, he doesn't go out of his way to hurt his children, but when they're bad he still believes in a whoop on the butt. She wanted to go for counciling a few years ago & my brother refused.

She never had a normal 20-year-old's social life, she was married & trying to have children. I believe the weight loss surgery and a promotion at work have emboldened my sister-in-law. She's going out with friends more. She's getting her hair done every other week. She's taking weekend trips to the shore. She's no longer afraid to speak her mind and disagree. (this the part where I was proud of her, but that has since changed)

And now that she's not afraid to speak up, she filed for divorce a few weeks ago. At the time, I thought I can't blame her, my brother is a hard guy to get along with. And if she truly fears for her children's life, then I fully support her. But I don't think that's it. I think she's making it look like that to drive my brother out of the picture. It is quite clear that a few of her actions were done to intentionally push my brother's buttons. Before she filed, they were supposed to go thru counciling and now she refused.

The other night, my brother told me she deleted him off Facebook and one of their sons, stating they were spying on her. To me, that statement means there's something to be spied on. Is there someone else? I don't know. I certainly think someone is putting thoughts in her head, whether it's a friend or a romantic interest, I don't know. And today I noticed she deleted me & my husband, too. Guess we were undercover spies, too. Hmmm...

Now I feel like writing a letter to her. I want to say I would've supported her decision and that we could've still been civil. We could've remained neutral so that our kids could still have fun like cousins should. I went years not talking to my brother and it was the birth of their daughter (2 months premature) that brought our family back together (she's the same age as our daughter). So I went years not knowing their older 3 children. I don't want that to happen again now just because they're not together anymore. But now that she's being a "B" about everything, I just feel that someone needs to tell her to grow up. I feel like she's going thru her 20's now and she's not behaving like a respectful mother and aunt. I don't necessarily feel that a letter from me will change anything but I feel it's my only chance to express myself before she totally shuts the door. I know their marriage is none of my business and I don't plan to address any of that, but our friendship is my business, and so is the way her actions are affecting my daughter.

Any suggestions?
(sorry for the long post)

Never put things in writing.

Considering you just want to berate her and tell her to "grow up", I would suggest you do not talk to her for awhile. You are angry. That will just lead her to slamming the door in your face.

Let the dust settle a bit and see what happens after they are divorced. If it is meant to be a friendship down the road then it might be that.

More than likely (not always), when people divorce they lose "the aunt" or "uncle", etc. You just need to come to grips with that on your own time. (hugs)

 

[kate_wdw]

Stay out of it. There is no good that will come of you writing that letter.

 

[Imzadi]

My brother married a younger girl 20 years ago (she was about 19 & he was about 27). My brother is very opinionated, old-fashioned, and stubborn. She was always very quiet and never went against anything he said. If he was mad & stopped talking to us, so did she.

Fast-forward to late 2012. They have 4 kids and they're financially stable. She undergoes weight-loss surgery & he plans to. She's still pretty quiet, but she's gotten a little more out-spoken. They're having behavior issues with the 2nd oldest child. And the worse it gets with him, the worse my brother's temper gets. Let me preface this by saying, he doesn't go out of his way to hurt his children, but when they're bad he still believes in a whoop on the butt. She wanted to go for counciling a few years ago & my brother refused.

She never had a normal 20-year-old's social life, she was married & trying to have children. I believe the weight loss surgery and a promotion at work have emboldened my sister-in-law. She's going out with friends more. She's getting her hair done every other week. She's taking weekend trips to the shore. She's no longer afraid to speak her mind and disagree. (this the part where I was proud of her, but that has since changed)

And now that she's not afraid to speak up, she filed for divorce a few weeks ago. At the time, I thought I can't blame her, my brother is a hard guy to get along with. And if she truly fears for her children's life, then I fully support her. But I don't think that's it. I think she's making it look like that to drive my brother out of the picture. It is quite clear that a few of her actions were done to intentionally push my brother's buttons. Before she filed, they were supposed to go thru counciling and now she refused.

The other night, my brother told me she deleted him off Facebook and one of their sons, stating they were spying on her. To me, that statement means there's something to be spied on. Is there someone else? I don't know. I certainly think someone is putting thoughts in her head, whether it's a friend or a romantic interest, I don't know. And today I noticed she deleted me & my husband, too. Guess we were undercover spies, too. Hmmm...

Now I feel like writing a letter to her. I want to say I would've supported her decision and that we could've still been civil. We could've remained neutral so that our kids could still have fun like cousins should. I went years not talking to my brother and it was the birth of their daughter (2 months premature) that brought our family back together (she's the same age as our daughter). So I went years not knowing their older 3 children. I don't want that to happen again now just because they're not together anymore. But now that she's being a "B" about everything, I just feel that someone needs to tell her to grow up. I feel like she's going thru her 20's now and she's not behaving like a respectful mother and aunt. I don't necessarily feel that a letter from me will change anything but I feel it's my only chance to express myself before she totally shuts the door. I know their marriage is none of my business and I don't plan to address any of that, but our friendship is my business, and so is the way her actions are affecting my daughter.

Any suggestions?
(sorry for the long post)

Pretty much the only thing relevant that you said was: "I know their marriage is none of my business."

It does sound like you have take sides. If you really want a civil relationship in the future with her for your children's sakes, then writing a letter telling her off and that she needs to grow up, is NOT going to accomplish that.

Sound more like you just want to have your say to her before YOU shut the door, which is what a letter like that will do.


As for Facebook, this is just another juvenile incident of who unfriended who and how people feel offended. Facebook was invented by 5 guys in their 20's. And it has some emotionally juvenile features to it like friending and unfriending people. The SIL isn't the only one who needs to emotionally grow up a little. you are in your 40's, from what I gather, not 12 and in high school. You are letting her actions about a website dictate some of your feelings. In 20 years will anyone even remember what Facebook is? How many people remember AOL and how S.L.O.W. it was to the point we laugh about it nowadays as a money suck, once DSL was invented?

 

[Kellydelly]

If you care about your SIL I would just call her up and have a conversation. Offer your support. Tell her you want to remain friends and that whatever is between her and your brother is their business. Don't send her an email. There is a lot of history and hopefully the divorce, if it happens, will not end your relationship or your kids' relationship with her.

 

[lil mermaid]

I agree with the others who said to stay out of it.

So she deleted you from Facebook? So what. Maybe her attorney advised her to. Maybe your brother really was spying on her. Really, Facebook is not that important.

 

[Hrhpd]

My brother married a younger girl 20 years ago (she was about 19 & he was about 27). My brother is very opinionated, old-fashioned, and stubborn. She was always very quiet and never went against anything he said. If he was mad & stopped talking to us, so did she.

Fast-forward to late 2012. They have 4 kids and they're financially stable. She undergoes weight-loss surgery & he plans to. She's still pretty quiet, but she's gotten a little more out-spoken. They're having behavior issues with the 2nd oldest child. And the worse it gets with him, the worse my brother's temper gets. Let me preface this by saying, he doesn't go out of his way to hurt his children, but when they're bad he still believes in a whoop on the butt. She wanted to go for counciling a few years ago & my brother refused.

She never had a normal 20-year-old's social life, she was married & trying to have children. I believe the weight loss surgery and a promotion at work have emboldened my sister-in-law. She's going out with friends more. She's getting her hair done every other week. She's taking weekend trips to the shore. She's no longer afraid to speak her mind and disagree. (this the part where I was proud of her, but that has since changed)

And now that she's not afraid to speak up, she filed for divorce a few weeks ago. At the time, I thought I can't blame her, my brother is a hard guy to get along with. And if she truly fears for her children's life, then I fully support her. But I don't think that's it. I think she's making it look like that to drive my brother out of the picture. It is quite clear that a few of her actions were done to intentionally push my brother's buttons. Before she filed, they were supposed to go thru counciling and now she refused.

The other night, my brother told me she deleted him off Facebook and one of their sons, stating they were spying on her. To me, that statement means there's something to be spied on. Is there someone else? I don't know. I certainly think someone is putting thoughts in her head, whether it's a friend or a romantic interest, I don't know. And today I noticed she deleted me & my husband, too. Guess we were undercover spies, too. Hmmm...

Now I feel like writing a letter to her. I want to say I would've supported her decision and that we could've still been civil. We could've remained neutral so that our kids could still have fun like cousins should. I went years not talking to my brother and it was the birth of their daughter (2 months premature) that brought our family back together (she's the same age as our daughter). So I went years not knowing their older 3 children. I don't want that to happen again now just because they're not together anymore. But now that she's being a "B" about everything, I just feel that someone needs to tell her to grow up. I feel like she's going thru her 20's now and she's not behaving like a respectful mother and aunt. I don't necessarily feel that a letter from me will change anything but I feel it's my only chance to express myself before she totally shuts the door. I know their marriage is none of my business and I don't plan to address any of that, but our friendship is my business, and so is the way her actions are affecting my daughter.

Any suggestions?
(sorry for the long post)

Add me to the "don't put it in writing" crowd. That would not be a very smart or mature thing to do.

If you want to talk to her about supporting her, invite her for a cup of coffee. However, in a divorce, it will be very difficult to remain friends and not alienate your brother. Unfortunately, in divorce, sometimes it is expected to take sides and that is very difficult to deal with. Leave the divorce to your brother and his wife. Stay out of it.

And for now, until the dust settles, just make sure that your kids remain in contact with their cousins when your brother has them for visitation. Make plans with your brother to do things together so the cousins can remain in contact. You can kill two birds with one stone; you keep in contact with the kids and you oversee your brother and make sure he is not abusing his kids.

 

[wiigirl]

Never put anything in writing.

And you should stay out of it. It's not your marriage.

Agreed, don't get pulled into that drama.

 

[sunshinehighway]

My brother married a younger girl 20 years ago (she was about 19 & he was about 27). My brother is very opinionated, old-fashioned, and stubborn. She was always very quiet and never went against anything he said. If he was mad & stopped talking to us, so did she.

Fast-forward to late 2012. They have 4 kids and they're financially stable. She undergoes weight-loss surgery & he plans to. She's still pretty quiet, but she's gotten a little more out-spoken. They're having behavior issues with the 2nd oldest child. And the worse it gets with him, the worse my brother's temper gets. Let me preface this by saying, he doesn't go out of his way to hurt his children, but when they're bad he still believes in a whoop on the butt. She wanted to go for counciling a few years ago & my brother refused.

She never had a normal 20-year-old's social life, she was married & trying to have children. I believe the weight loss surgery and a promotion at work have emboldened my sister-in-law. She's going out with friends more. She's getting her hair done every other week. She's taking weekend trips to the shore. She's no longer afraid to speak her mind and disagree. (this the part where I was proud of her, but that has since changed)

And now that she's not afraid to speak up, she filed for divorce a few weeks ago. At the time, I thought I can't blame her, my brother is a hard guy to get along with. And if she truly fears for her children's life, then I fully support her. But I don't think that's it. I think she's making it look like that to drive my brother out of the picture. It is quite clear that a few of her actions were done to intentionally push my brother's buttons. Before she filed, they were supposed to go thru counciling and now she refused.

The other night, my brother told me she deleted him off Facebook and one of their sons, stating they were spying on her. To me, that statement means there's something to be spied on. Is there someone else? I don't know. I certainly think someone is putting thoughts in her head, whether it's a friend or a romantic interest, I don't know. And today I noticed she deleted me & my husband, too. Guess we were undercover spies, too. Hmmm...

Now I feel like writing a letter to her. I want to say I would've supported her decision and that we could've still been civil. We could've remained neutral so that our kids could still have fun like cousins should. I went years not talking to my brother and it was the birth of their daughter (2 months premature) that brought our family back together (she's the same age as our daughter). So I went years not knowing their older 3 children. I don't want that to happen again now just because they're not together anymore. But now that she's being a "B" about everything, I just feel that someone needs to tell her to grow up. I feel like she's going thru her 20's now and she's not behaving like a respectful mother and aunt. I don't necessarily feel that a letter from me will change anything but I feel it's my only chance to express myself before she totally shuts the door. I know their marriage is none of my business and I don't plan to address any of that, but our friendship is my business, and so is the way her actions are affecting my daughter.

Any suggestions?
(sorry for the long post)

Stay out of it. Avoiding stuff like this is probably why she unfriended you in the first place.
Look at the way you described your own brother. Now imagine being her. She should do anything she needs to in order to protect herself from him (both physically and emotionally).
So what's the deal with the son? Did the dad turn him against her?

 

[NMAmy]

If what you really want out of this is a chance to be close to her children, then writing a nasty letter about a situation where you only know part of the story is not going to accomplish your goal at all--in fact, it would just about guarantee that it will be quite some time before you have contact with the children again.

If what you really want is to give your SIL a piece of your mind even though you agree that your brother is hard to get along with and physically abuses his kids, then have at it and write the nasty letter.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Sorry, but your brother sounds like a real winner. I don't blame her one bit.

The only thing I would do, if I were you is call her or write her and ask if the kids could get together. I wouldn't say a word about anything else unless she brought it up and then I wouldn't say much, except that you hope you two can still be friends and the children could still be in each other's lives.

 

[LuLuO]

Stay out of it.

 

[Acklander]

She has spent her entire adult life being told by your brother what to do. Now that she's gotten the guts to stand up for herself, what she doesn't need is her SIL coming in telling her to grow up or that she's not acting like a respectful mother and aunt. So what if she's going a little crazy or acting a little immature? She's entitled, and she'll settle down eventually.

 

[mamacatnv]

Their marriage is none of your business.
Your brother sounds like a jerk.
Your SIL is finally acting on her own behalf after 20 years of crap. I'd be her cheerleader not her chastiser.

If you truly want to have the kids remain in your life then a supporting phone call may be in order. Supporting her decision and letting her know that you want to keep the kids in your life. No judgement or comments regarding their marriage.

My Bro is a drunk, My SIL is a mouse and every single time I talk to her I remind her we love her and that regardless of what ever occurs between them we will continue to love her, support any decision she makes in regards to their marriage and that she will always be part of our family.