Let's try this again

[Humiliated]

Earlier today I came on here asking for marriage advice. I can't mention what the problem is since it's not considered family friendly. Those of you who read already know what I'm talking about.

I know there are no easy answers to my troubles, and all I really wanted was to be able to talk about it with people who don't know me personally. I thought it was really good advice not to share with family and friends at this point. All if those who responded really helped me make it through the day. Thank you so much for holding my hand.

Tonight is going to be rough, but then I have an appointment to see a counselor tomorrow afternoon. If I can just make it until then.

If anybody has anything else to contribute, I could sure use it. It just can't be a discussion/debate on the "issue" my husband has or this thread will disappear. In the meantime, I'll be visiting SurvivingInfidelity.com.

Many thanks to those who PM'd me. You have no idea how much it meant to me.

 

[ryanshana]

I'm glad that you went to survivinginfidelity.com.....I wonder if there is a support group for your husband's specific issue....I'm almost sure there is maybe check that out.

I know it doesn't seem like it now....but all things heal w/ time.

 

[clovergirl5]

Earlier today I came on here asking for marriage advice. I can't mention what the problem is since it's not considered family friendly. Those of you who read already know what I'm talking about.

I know there are no easy answers to my troubles, and all I really wanted was to be able to talk about it with people who don't know me personally. I thought it was really good advice not to share with family and friends at this point. All if those who responded really helped me make it through the day. Thank you so much for holding my hand.

Tonight is going to be rough, but then I have an appointment to see a counselor tomorrow afternoon. If I can just make it until then.

If anybody has anything else to contribute, I could sure use it. It just can't be a discussion/debate on the "issue" my husband has or this thread will disappear. In the meantime, I'll be visiting SurvivingInfidelity.com.

Many thanks to those who PM'd me. You have no idea how much it meant to me.

Thats good, Im glad you were able to get in tomorrow. Hang in there. You will feel much better when you are able to talk to someone tomorrow. Sending lots of comfort prayers and pixie dust to you. HUGS!

 

[ryanshana]

oh yeah that was my question....why is it taking 2 wks for couples therapy? Can you find another counselor??

 

[Deb in IA]

I saw your earlier thread but it went away before I could respond.

I think you should also look for a good marriage counselor as well. I think your marriage needs professional help, beyond that which you can get from an Internet bulletin board.

Good luck.

 

[HonnyDipp]

Its good that you are starting counceling. Stay strong.

 

[JerseyJanice]

I don't know that I was much help on the other thread, but I do want to wish you well and send some good luck.

Hope you can work things out.

 

[familyS]

I hope you can get some sleep tonight and that speaking with the counselor tomorrow will help you through this tough time.

 

[dislaney]

Just wanted to wish you well and hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

 

[Nancyg56]

I missed your earlier thread but wanted to wish you well! I am glad that you are seeing a councelor, support from a professional helped my marraige and I hope that you will find answers as well.

 

[Humiliated]

Well, DH got home from work and we talked. It was surprising civil (I didn’t turn into the screaming banshee that’s inside my head right now).

He says he knows what he did was wrong on so many levels. He’s glad that I am going to a counselor tomorrow and hopes that with a lot of therapy we can get through this. He realized that we could have avoided a whole lot of the problems (except the chatting part of it) if he had been up front with me from the beginning. If those other things were as innocent as he says they were, I could have accepted it. Unfortunately, finding out about hidden friendships after the fact is not acceptable to me. I may not have chosen those people to be my friends, but I wouldn’t have forbidden him if I saw it was on the level.

As for the chatting, he says he’s so done with the internet. He says that he played those games every night, and only 4 times did it ever escalate to sexual content. ONLY FOUR! Like that should ease my mind. But in his twisted way of thinking, it could have been so much worse. However, he says he’ll never do it again. He says he wants to change and be a better person. He doesn’t want to lose me or the kids.

For my part, I agreed to individual and couples counseling, and that I wouldn’t make any decisions about whether to leave or to stay in the marriage for at least three months. I’ll be here and we’ll just see how it goes. I know he wants us to get through this together, but I’m not exactly ready to forgive or trust, only two days after discovering everything. I’m going to need time to heal. Hell, I can’t even function normally yet. I really wish I could find the strength.

Anyway, it was a huge breakthrough for me to even be in the same room with him and not kill him.

Thanks for putting up with my ranting.

 

[ElizK]

Does your church or a church near you have Celebrate Recovery? It includes help with sexual addiction/pornography, includes accountability partners, etc. Might be worth looking in to.

 

[Humiliated]

I don't know, but I'll check into it. Thanks!

 

[ryanshana]

he says he is done w/ the computer....but does he have access to one at work?

there is another marriage retreat...that I have heard is very helpful....

http://www.retrouvaille.org/

but it deeply falls on religion don't know if you are or not

 

[Humiliated]

No, he does not have access to a computer at work. His job doesn't require one.

The retreat sounds interesting, and there is one in our area, but right now I don't think I could spend a whole weekend with him. I will keep it in mind down the road aways. Yes, we are a Christian couple (even if he's not acting like it).

I like the idea of Celebrate Recovery a lot, and there are two churches in our area!

 

[ryanshana]

No, he does not have access to a computer at work. His job doesn't require one.

Well that will help you regain some trust....if he follows thru at home at least you aren't wondering if something is going on at work KWIM?

 

[Ember]

If those other things were as innocent as he says they were, I could have accepted it. Unfortunately, finding out about hidden friendships after the fact is not acceptable to me. I may not have chosen those people to be my friends, but I wouldn’t have forbidden him if I saw it was on the level.

Oh dear, did the other thread get that bad?!

I just wanted to say that the statement above is huge. I think it shows that you're willing to bend and accommodate even when things aren't really the way you'd like them to be.

I also agree that the deceit is the real problem here. And the escalation to interacting with others on line. I think the fact that you're able to separate the issues also speaks very well for your frame of mind.

Go into the counseling with an open mind. Hopefully the trust in your marriage isn't gone for good. But if it is, if you know in your heart you will never trust him again, then I wish you the strength to move on. Don't stay trapped in a situation that makes you so unhappy. You deserve more then that.

 

[Humiliated]

Thank you, Ember. My self-esteem is at an all-time low right now, so your comments meant a lot.

Yes, I do believe he telling the truth now (after I "caught" him), and he's confessed to things I didn't know about. I believe he wants to change, I just don't know if he can. And if he can, will it last? Or will he be right back into the same pattern another 4 or 5 years down the line? These are the thoughts that haunt me.

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

well, I didn't read whatever thread you are referring to. since you are a new poster maybe it was deleted because of inappropriate content?

but I will tell you right off the bat that it seems like you are trying to control another adults attraction to something, be it alcohol, sex, or something else.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but without outside help, you will fail.

since it sounds like he is attracted to something that dosn't involve you, I would suggest that a good wake up call is for him to leave your residence.

if he sees what he is going to lose, by his continuation of his current activities, it may hit him in a way that just talking cannot get across.

thats just my opinion, I could be wrong.

 

[Ember]

Thank you, Ember. My self-esteem is at an all-time low right now, so your comments meant a lot.

Yes, I do believe he telling the truth now (after I "caught" him), and he's confessed to things I didn't know about. I believe he wants to change, I just don't know if he can. And if he can, will it last? Or will he be right back into the same pattern another 4 or 5 years down the line? These are the thoughts that haunt me.

Unlike a one time affair, you are dealing with a history of these problems. (NOT to say a one time affair is less devastating emotionally.) I can see why you have real concerns about his being able to change. Your situation is made worse by the fact that you so obviously still love this man. I think that would make the choice to end things a thousand times harder, even if it would be what is best.

I'm curious, does your husband see his actions as an addiction? Has he given you any reasons for why he so cruelly broke your trust?