Let's Talk about Marriage

[mickeysgal]

It's nice to hear those stories of all of you who have made it (whether the first time or the second!) I know I have a long way to go, some days are just more discouraging than others.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I hope that each day gets a bit better for you.

 

[cardaway]

My ex was really more of good girlfriend than a husband.

Wow, that's a pretty interesting statement.

 

[welovedis]

Amanda-
I remember you from the WNY thread, I'm really very sorry to hear about what you are going through. Others have said that you need to give yourself time to heal after the divorce & completely agree with that. Some good friends have divorced in the past few years and DH & I were recently talking about the ones that are doing well and others that aren't. Those that are moving on went to counseling, and were willing to give themselves some time and space before making big decisions and starting to date again. The other 2 that aren't doing terrific right now went ahead and started dating right afterwards, didn't really want to talk about their divorce/feelings/whatever and are now unhappy with the choices they made--mostly while in a pretty vulnerable position.

I've been married almost 15 years, got married when I was 22 which is young compared to many couples we know. We are the youngest couple who has been married the longest with the oldest kid, wierd! I know that in our marriage we have gone thru rough patches--loss of our home in a fire, infertility, loss of a parent & a sibling...but we hold each other up during those difficult times. We both also share a strong faith and the belief that marriage is not 50/50, it is 100/100---we each have to give 100% to make it work.

Last I just want to say that I'm glad to see you are back in Rochester (by your location info) and if you ever want to meet up at a restaurant or with our local DIS group, just PM or email me. I wish you the very best!

 

[grinningghost]

My marriage has been 95% rock solid and happy. Very recently, we had some trouble, which we have worked out and I think we're moving past it.

Marriage is funny. If it isn't right, I think people know it, yet many of them stay in it. If I didn't think my marriage was solid, I wouldn't have even bothered to work things out.

 

[budbeerlady]

I think the one thing I wish I would have been told before getting married was how darn hard it would be. I probley wouldnt have listened and like all brides I was thinking Sunshine and roses. It isnt, it isnt for anyone.
I love Dh and I hope and pray that we celebrate our 50th anniversary some day. But like everyone said, even though I love him there have been days I havent liked hiim very much.
I look at it like this (I once explained it to a friend this way and he laughed at me but I think he got it) There is no one else I would rather fall asleep next to and if the good days out number the bad days then I have a pretty good life. We have been hit by some big heartaches, but we are still kicking and that make me very proud of my Dh and I.

 

[agotta]

Amanda-
I remember you from the WNY thread, I'm really very sorry to hear about what you are going through. Others have said that you need to give yourself time to heal after the divorce & completely agree with that. Some good friends have divorced in the past few years and DH & I were recently talking about the ones that are doing well and others that aren't. Those that are moving on went to counseling, and were willing to give themselves some time and space before making big decisions and starting to date again. The other 2 that aren't doing terrific right now went ahead and started dating right afterwards, didn't really want to talk about their divorce/feelings/whatever and are now unhappy with the choices they made--mostly while in a pretty vulnerable position.

I've been married almost 15 years, got married when I was 22 which is young compared to many couples we know. We are the youngest couple who has been married the longest with the oldest kid, wierd! I know that in our marriage we have gone thru rough patches--loss of our home in a fire, infertility, loss of a parent & a sibling...but we hold each other up during those difficult times. We both also share a strong faith and the belief that marriage is not 50/50, it is 100/100---we each have to give 100% to make it work.

Last I just want to say that I'm glad to see you are back in Rochester (by your location info) and if you ever want to meet up at a restaurant or with our local DIS group, just PM or email me. I wish you the very best!

Hey Karen. Yes I am back in NY, staying with my family until I get back on my feet.

It's so interesting to hear everyones opinions on this. I thought about not dating for a while, but when my ex and I were in counseling we discovered that we never had those feelings for each other that we should. It wasn't that we were once in love, but had "fallen out of love" as so many people say. We were great friends, dated long distance and thought that would transpose into a great marriage. What I learned was we lacked that personal chemistry that is so important. We were great "girlfriends" (one more thing my ex lacked, masulinity) but it didn't translate into a great marriage, or even a good marriage. I also realized that my ex was never really himself, he was who he thought I wanted him to be. Now seeing him with his new girlfriend I realize that he is not the kind of person I want to be with at all.

I am really ready to move on, but still very hesitant about ever getting married again. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what the future holds.

 

[poohandwendy]

Hey everyone First let me start off with my story. I was married for 2 years and will be filing for divorce next month. I know there are stories out there of couples who have made it work and are married forever. But I feel like I hear more stories of those who didn't make it. I am really discouraged and at times feel like I will never get married again, even if I meet the right person. What are your thoughts?

My thoughts are that you are going through a very normal part of grieving the loss of the dream...of 'what could have been'. Allow yourself the time to go through the process. Seriously, this is huge adjustment, one step at a time. I would try to take the time to get through this before adding the stress of dating and/or a new relationship. And I would suggest continuing with counselling, alone.

I believe it is best to live your life knowing that when one door closes, another opens.

A marriage that ends does not reflect the idea of marriage, itself, or of the individuals, themselves. It happens. Life is not perfect.

{{{HUGS}}} I am sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[C.Ann]

My first marriage lasted 9 years..

My second marriage was "until death do us part".. My DH passed away in 2005 - just shy of our 28th wedding anniversary..

Ours was a second marriage for both of us - and the very, very best years of our lives..

Don't give up on marriage just because the first one didn't work out..

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow, those last two posts are excellent!

 

[klmall]

I'm sorry you have to go through this as so many it seems do!

DH and I have been married now for 35 years and there have been many, many wonderful 'up days' and many horrible 'down months!' We met in college and married after 4 years of dating but I still think we literally "grew up" together, fighting, screaming, loving, crying and caring for each other through all of it.

All our original friends said we'd never make it because we just let our feelings out all the time but here we are still married. All but one couple from back then is now divorced!

We did learn to let each other explore own own interests (me doing my camping, hiking, travel etc. and him just reading and being quiet on his own) and we did learn to talk about what was bothering each other in a reasonable fashion. One of the biggest factors for both of us was learning to laugh at ourselves and stop ridiculous arguments! And finally becoming parents after nine years of infertility really brought us closer and bridged an enormous gap that might have eventually spread us apart although I didn't realize it at the time.

Also, at least for us, we never actually said the word "divorce". I read somewhere that once that topic comes up and you believe that it's an option you somehow cross a boundary that is very hard to retreat from, at least emotionally.

And I do deep down believe that there is someone for almost everyone. We have several friends who have found either their first spouse or second one in mid-life or later! These seem to be some of the happiest marriages around.

Good luck and give yourself time to heal!

 

[JPN4265]

Hey everyone First let me start off with my story. I was married for 2 years and will be filing for divorce next month. I know there are stories out there of couples who have made it work and are married forever. But I feel like I hear more stories of those who didn't make it. I am really discouraged and at times feel like I will never get married again, even if I meet the right person. What are your thoughts?

We will be celebrating our 28th year at WDW in December. Can't think of anyone else I'd rather be with!

 

[Linzybrooke]

Marriage is very, very hard. Like BudBeerLady said I wish someone would have told me just how tough it is to be married before DH and I said "I Do". We still would have gotten married but might have been more honest about what we were going through.

We see it all the time in the movies, books, sitcoms...you meet, you fall in love, you get married, you live happily ever after. I love shows that show how unperfect relationships are! But, we are taught that they should be perfect, we expect to live in a fairy tale for the rest of our lives, we look at other couples with problems and tell ourselves that that will never happen to us. Its unrealistic. Being married is a huge commitment and not to be taken lightly or looked at with blinders on. I wish society would stop trying to convince us that its just as easy as buying flowers.

My best friend is currently seperated and we had a long talk the other day about marriage and relationships in general. Our concensus, based on what we and other friends are and have gone through, was that the second year of marriage is close to impossible. Year one is like living in a dream, it is that fairy tale life. Then year two hits and you realize just how mundane life really can be. You have to learn that you can't make decisions solely for you anymore and that there is always someone else to consider. Sometimes I just want to be able to be selfish again! DH and I experienced a serious rut this year and are just now starting to move past it. It was wierd, it was as if I stilled loved him but wasn't in love with him. Now I'm back to being in love, but as another poster stated, love ebbs and flows with varying degrees over the years. Its just as much about committment as love.

My sister is getting married in December and my best friend, me and her went out on night and got talking about marriage. It made me sad just how unwilling she was to listen to any advice. We weren't telling her not to get married, just that it was hard and that they needed to really be committed, etc. Her response to everything was an excuse about why that won't happen to them, or why they didn't need to worry about that in their relationship. My sister and her fiance have lived in seperate states, her in Texas and him in Minnesota for the last four years, only seeing each other during the summer and a few short trips when affordable. She just moved to MN at the end of July to teach school and they are now finally in the same state. My entire family is worried that they don't really know what marriage is about and what they are getting into, but it is something they will have to work on themselves.

Good luck in the future!

 

[agotta]

My sister and her fiance have lived in seperate states, her in Texas and him in Minnesota for the last four years, only seeing each other during the summer and a few short trips when affordable. She just moved to MN at the end of July to teach school and they are now finally in the same state. My entire family is worried that they don't really know what marriage is about and what they are getting into, but it is something they will have to work on themselves.

Good luck in the future!

That was my ex and I. Not to say that we didn't take marriage seriously, but our entire relationship was spent long distance. It just didn't make sense in a marriage. We knew each other, but not in that way. We went from NEVER dating to being married. We missed a few steps along the way...

 

[mickeyfan2]

So sorry you are going through a rough time right now. It will get better.

I have learned a few things in our 23 year marriage. There are three elements of marriage - love, respect and trust. A marriage must have respect and marriage to be a good and fulfilling marriage. A great marriage has all three. A marriage with love but not repect and trust will not last. I am happy to say that we have all three. And yes I do believe that we could work out an affair, but never had to up to this point.

An abuser does not respect you but may feel they love you. A person who puts you down does not repect you.