Let's Talk About Homework, or the Lack Thereof!

[perkinsrose]

DS12 is the same way. He's smart but lazy.

I wanted him to have a cell phone this summer and he wanted one since all his friends have one.

So I bribed him. Terrible I know but it worked. I told him if he got all A's and B's the whole year, I would buy him a cell phone.

I was happily surprised when he studied on his own, did his homework with much less nagging and actually got A's and B's all school year. So I got him a cell phone and added him to our family plan.

Maybe there's something she really wants that you could use to get her to improve her grades? Or something that she already has that you could take away until her grades improve?

Not so terrible-I think. It was a reward for effort & achievement. Most people work hard for some sort of reward (that feeling of accomplishment,a degree, a career, $ to buy a house or a Disney vaca, ...) Some kids just need that tangible thing for incentive.

 

[badblackpug]

I echo having her tested again for ADD. She sounds so much like my 11yr old who does have ADD. We are not medicating her but work with her teachers and last report card was all As and 1 B. Amazing! I would at least talk to the guidance office about her. Let them know that you are concerned, about your divorce situation and why. They can hook her up with someone to meet with on a regular basis and that may help.
Good luck..you have already gotten some great advice on here.

I have been there, done that, too. She was in a group for kids of divorce and I was told by he counselor that she was "very well adjusted to and comfortable with her situation." (she was fairly young when we split, and he dad wasn't really a huge presence in the house, he worked 16 hours a day - his choice, not a financial necessity - she spent more time with my sister than her dad) When the issues started again, I put her back in counselling, she began to use it as an excuse to get out of class. For example, if she didn't do her work and knew she was going to get in trouble for it she would immediately need to see the counselor. (did I ever mention she could be a little dramatic? ) so we changed the rules to she could only see the counselor during non class times (recess, lunch, before and after school) Basically she had a lot of issues with not accepting responsibility for her behavior, which the counsellor said was not unusual at that age, that lying to get out of trouble was normal. ("i did my homework, but I left it at home" "it's in my locker")

The funny thing is, if it is a project she really enjoys (mostly stuff that involves arts or crafts she goes above and beyond.

In her relationship with her father the non-involvement has become mutual. She is 14, she no longer wants to spend the weekend hanging out with her parents (that includes me, too! ) She would raher socialize with her friends, and she doesn't have any friends that live near her father, and mother's (I completely understand) are reluctant to send their teen daughter off to a strange man's house in another town. She doesn't mind the occasional dinner out or trip to the mall, but she doesn't want to spend the weekend there any more. When he calls I make her go, because I think it is important to have a relationship, but then her attitude stinks and as, the resounding theme goes...it's my fault. (I let her get away with murder, I don't pay any attention to her because I've got too many kids, a new husband - whom I married for the money! - blah, blah, blah) this he says to me, to her he is more subtle. ("Does your mom help you with your homework?" "Does her husband?" "Do they spend more time with the other kids?")

Right now, I think we have a power struggle of epic proportions. My plan of attack is this: I am not going to say anything to her about homework until school starts. I am going to explain to her that I think she is old enough to be responsible for her own work. I will no longer nag, cajole, whine, bribe, or yell. She will be expected to have a "C" or better in all classes, if not, she will go on restriction, as usual, until those goals are met. If she fails she will attend summer school. She will reimburse me for the price of summer school, and normal school rules will apply for the whole summer. I and her stepfather will, as always, be available if she needs help, but asking for help is up to her.

I guess I just need someone to say it is okay to "give up," because, and maybe this is the guilt her father instilled in me, I feel like I am giving up on her.

 

[happymommy]

Sounds good to me. I still think you may want to talk to the school counselor about some neuropsychological testing though. It can't hurt, and can shine a light on some aspect that may need attention.

Good luck!

 

[momof5boys]

She sounds like my DS11. He was diagnosed with ADHD and we tried meds, which made him worse. He can be dramatic, often going to the nurse or counsellor during the school day. Guess what, it's not ADHD but aspergers!. He is very bright(testing proved that) but he never wants to do homework, hands in the bare minimum. The only thing he wants to do are things that interest him, like science. We have no magic pill,right now the plan is he can redo work if needed. We used to ground him forever for not doing his homework but it doesn't seem to help. This year(he's going into 7th) I'm not sure what our plan will be, I have to wait and see how he reacts to his teachers, some he works better for. Last year he and his math teacher were always butting heads, she was always docking his grades because he wouldn't show his work, even though 80 -90% of the time he had the correct answer! If I find something that works I'll let you know . But perhaps you may want to research aspergers, see if your daughter fits that and have her tested for that instead of ADHD/ADD

 

[SnowWhite607]

I dont think you're giving up. I think you are trying to give her some responsibility. I think its better that you are doing it now than when she's 18 and on her own and can make some pretty big life altering mistakes. I hope it works out for you.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I guess I just need someone to say it is okay to "give up," because, and maybe this is the guilt her father instilled in me, I feel like I am giving up on her.

I do not see that you are "giving up." What it looks like to me is that you are putting the responsibility on HER (where it very rightfully belongs at this age). By not getting emotionally involved yourself (so hard to do but really TRY not to and stick with your plan) you are teaching her that her actions affect her more than you and she is ultimately responsible for them. You are also making this about her and her grades again instead of about her realtionship with you and/or her father (attention getting or struggling for power). You are doing her a great service having her learn to be responsible at this age rather than as an adult (at a job or paying bills, etc.) when the consequences will be much bigger

 

[gr8leg8]

just my oppinion,
but I hated school.

College (jr. college) was a whole different ball game.
loved it. It lead me to a four year degree.

Would you consider letting her take an art class of her choice at a local jr. college?
Let her taste what she can be part of when she gets thru high school.

If her grades are good in the fall (you mentioned your fall trip to WDW usually helps too)
she could enroll in another class for the spring.

Crazy idea - you could take the class together.
Learning is lifelong and used to enrich your life,
not just the drugery that school sometimes feels like.

Best wishes for balance

 

[brekin67]

Try not to worry. I was a student who did not do homework at all. If it were not for cheerleading I would have dropped out of school. I made an F in Math every semester. My parents were also divorced. I now have a Masters Degree from University of Oklahoma. I was on the National Dean's list for 2 years, and am a Laureatte Scholar. The valedictorian of our class is working at a convenice store, and some of the other "bright" students dimmed a bit after high school. I would suggest asking the teacher if she could do her homework using current teaching/learning software available for students. Have you asked your daughter why she does not want to do her homework? Most Oklahoma schools have classroll.com where they will post the students homework and progress. I would ask if there was any way to get her on an IEP at school. I tend to get distracted easily I am hungry for vanilla icecream, oh wait back to the subject, I get distracted easily. What helped me in college was to use colored paper, index cards, brightly colored pens and pencils, and lots of visual aids. HIgh School is a difficult time for lots of kids, the hormones, the stress, the mean girls, and the pretty ones. Good luck to your daughter and her future success.

 

[sk!mom]

I don't have any magic solutions for your - I am a middle school teacher and if I could find a fix it for children who don't do homework, I'd be rich!

I have tried everything - including CALLING children at home everyday with their assignments, emailing daily with parents, packing backpacks, faxing assignments, emailing assignments, having parents drop off late assignments at my home, the day before report cards, so I could mark it in time to count it towards their grades - you name it, I've done it.

Does any of this work??? Maybe in the short term - but not long term because the kids aren't making any changes - it's like taking those diet shakes - yes you lose weight when you are drinking them, but as soon as you stop taking them, and go back to eating the way you did before, you gain all the weight back, kwim? They aren't making any changes to their behaviour.

Here's what has worked for some students.

1. Make a study / homwork time / space. A quiet room, with a desk and supplies and NO access to TV / radio / fridge is important. For a 9th grader, I'd say 90 minutes of study / homwork (including reading) is probably average.

She has to sit there for the 90 minutes no matter what. If she "has no homework" it doesn't matter - she can stare at the walls if she wants - she sits at the same place, at the same time every day. No matter what.

2. Ask for home copies of all of her textbooks. If you need to rent an extra copy or buy and extra textbook / novel - do it. Now, there is less excuse for not doing the work / reading. She can never say she left something at school. And, if she claims she "has no homework" - then she can use the texts to study.

3. Try as hard as you can to take the emotion out of the situation. Homework can be a control issue, and the more you try to push it / control it - the more she will push back, rebel. I would stop checking her work, checking up with her, etc. The only rule you have is that she has to sit at that desk for 90 minutes every day no matter what. This is the rule that you enforce - if she chooses to sit there and doodle (and she may for the first month) that's fine - as long as she's sitting there for the correct time.

4. Any consequences are hers. If she fails - and doesn't get her credit and has to retake the course - that's her consequence. If she has to take summer school - that is her consequence. I HAVE heard from parents of my children who have moved on to high school that unlike middle school, once they start to not get their credits, and have to take summer school, they do become more motivated.

5. Finally, praise, praise, praise, reward, reward, reward.

Hope any of these ideas help.

This is a great post with great ideas.

To the OP, I've walked a mile in your shoes- it felt like a marathon.

My oldest was like your DD. We tried everything starting in 4th or 5th grade- rewards, consequences, etc... At highschool, we pulled back and had the one rule mentioned- 90 to 120 minutes of dedicated homework time throughout high school. There were many times that he sat the full time and basically stared into space as he insisted that there was no homework. We had a home set of textbooks. I'm happy to report that he never failed a course and graduated with honors. He was failing many times at the 3 week progress reporting but would always pull it together, buckle down, and work in time for final grading. He never made it easy but he finally dd it. We often said that he put more effort into avoiding an assignment than it would have taken to complete it.

Thankfully my second child is extremely self-motivated and has probably already done more homework and studied more than her brother ever did and she's just starting 7th. I wish for you that your younger children are easier, as well.

 

[badblackpug]

This is a great post with great ideas.

To the OP, I've walked a mile in your shoes- it felt like a marathon.

My oldest was like your DD. We tried everything starting in 4th or 5th grade- rewards, consequences, etc... At highschool, we pulled back and had the one rule mentioned- 90 to 120 minutes of dedicated homework time throughout high school. There were many times that he sat the full time and basically stared into space as he insisted that there was no homework. We had a home set of textbooks. I'm happy to report that he never failed a course and graduated with honors. He was failing many times at the 3 week progress reporting but would always pull it together, buckle down, and work in time for final grading. He never made it easy but he finally dd it. We often said that he put more effort into avoiding an assignment than it would have taken to complete it.

Thankfully my second child is extremely self-motivated and has probably already done more homework and studied more than her brother ever did and she's just starting 7th. I wish for you that your younger children are easier, as well.

Yes, I loved these ideas, too. I'm not sure about the books because I think that learning to bring home the proper things is part of being responsible, but I will think about it. We have tried taking away activities that she likes, but it never, really, seems to make any impact. We do cooking classes at the restaurant school, but if she doesn't go, that really doesn't seem to bother her either. Maybe if i start taking away her clothes!

Again, I have had her tested for learning disabilites, twice. Both privately and through the school. Both said here were no disabilites. As a matter of fact, they wanted to skip her in 2nd grade because she was "so far ahead" and was able to finish her work much more quickly than the other students and had to be given extra work to keep her busy! She wears glasses. ADD, I know from. I have ADD - ooh look, a bird - I really think at this point she has just developed very bad study habits, and, yes, it is partially my fault, for hovering over her and making her do her homework, and allowing her to do "make up" work to bring her grades up to passing (or sometimes better) Basically, she will screw around all semester and then do the mad crunch at the end of the semester, re-do's and extra credit and make-up work and bring her grades up. I am also not ruling out imaturity, as she has a late summer birthday and is nearly a year younger than most of her classmates. Maybe with this being high school and there being more of a social life to miss out on............

 

[SnowWhite607]

Ya know, it wouldnt hurt to do some of the modifications that they recommend for ADD students. (actually I just took a class and the currecnt thinking is that the general term will be ADHD even if there is no "H", I know, weird, but the speaker was a doctor and a leader in ADHD research so I figure he knows what he is talking about...). Google ADD or ADHD and they should give you tools to use - color coded index cards was mentioned and I'm sure there are others. The school will not be under the law to provide these things for her if she is not disagnosed but there is no reason that you and she cant work together at home and see if it helps.

 

[lovinpoohbear]

I would like to share my story. I, too, was the "lazy" high school student. I drove my parents insane and cared more about the social scene than anything else. I had no ambitions at all and never did homework or studied. That being said, I don't how I got through high school. I married at 20, still married to my dh and have 2 DS. I worked a minimum wage job while DS's were in school.
One day I woke up, at 29 years old and said to myself, Do I really want to bust my a** for this kind of pay??
I looked into attending nursing school, I had to take pre-req's and take an entrance exam. I got into the college and graduated June of this year. I love nursing, it was something that was on my mind for a few years before I made my dream a reality.
What I am trying to say, When I was in high school, I had no motivators. If someone had said to be back than, You can make $5 an hour or you can make $25 an hour. I think it really would have changed my perspective on things. Of course, it has to be something you LIKE doing. I changed my career to nursing because I love helping people and taking care of them.
Maybe you could explore with your daughter what type of career she wants to have and take it from there. It may motivate her to want to suceed.

 

[badblackpug]

I would like to share my story. I, too, was the "lazy" high school student. I drove my parents insane and cared more about the social scene than anything else. I had no ambitions at all and never did homework or studied. That being said, I don't how I got through high school. I married at 20, still married to my dh and have 2 DS. I worked a minimum wage job while DS's were in school.
One day I woke up, at 29 years old and said to myself, Do I really want to bust my a** for this kind of pay??
I looked into attending nursing school, I had to take pre-req's and take an entrance exam. I got into the college and graduated June of this year. I love nursing, it was something that was on my mind for a few years before I made my dream a reality.
What I am trying to say, When I was in high school, I had no motivators. If someone had said to be back than, You can make $5 an hour or you can make $25 an hour. I think it really would have changed my perspective on things. Of course, it has to be something you LIKE doing. I changed my career to nursing because I love helping people and taking care of them.
Maybe you could explore with your daughter what type of career she wants to have and take it from there. It may motivate her to want to suceed.

Yay for nurses! (I'm a nurse ) I have had this discussion with her. I work in a terrible inner0city neighborhood. I have explained to her that the reason she has the things she has (nice clothes, nice house, nice school, trip to WDW every year ) is because we have good jobs that pay well. My husband is an MD. ...and the reason we have good jobs is because we went to college, and we got into college because we passed high school. Her reply? (...and do, please remember, she is 14 and a little smart mouthed)

........................ drum roll, please

............................"That's okay, I'll just live here!"

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

Have you considered visiting a college with her and having the admissions officer explain the admission criteria? Maybe asking her what she wants to be when she is older (I said grows up...but my DB is nearly 50 and still isn't grown up ) and then finding an adult for her to shadow? Is she bored in school?

Finding out what makes kids tick is so hard. One thing I would tell her, for sure, though is that at 18 you're either in college or working and if you're not in college, you WON'T live here!

Maybe having a trusted family friend...or your sister...talk with her might help.

Sorry, not much on the idea dept. My brother was the same way. Thought his teachers were stupid and their assignments were too. He wanted to go away to college and my mom said NO WAY! She didn't believe he was responsible enough and she wasn't going to waste money on him flunking out. She offered him Junior College and told him that if he proved himself there after a year, he could pick the college he wanted to attend. Well, he couldn't be "bothered" to get up for classes at Junior College because the instructors were dumb, so he dropped out of Junior College and never went to college. Now he's working in a skilled trade (but with his back) and wishes he had gone to college! About 4 years ago we had a HUGE fight about how I "got to go to college" and he didn't and my answer was I didn't fritter away my opportunities like he did...I worked my rear end off to get scholarships and then worked my way through school too to help pay for it all.

Good luck. I think the truth is that motivation is only found from the inside. The upside of the whole thing is that it may make your other children behave differently...I know I never wanted to be as dumb as my brother!

 

[RumpleMom]

This is a really good paperback book by Lee Canter.

Also check out John Rosemond's books.