Last update ~ ex's-funeral

[PaulaSue]

The Last update post 29
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I got the call last night. He is only 37 and it was a heart attack. I woke up hoping it was a dream but it wasn't.

It has been almost 16 years since we dated but he is/was in our group (post high school) of friends that I still see now and then even though I haven't seen him in more than 10 years.

Out of respect to his parents I thought of going to the viewing or at least sending flowers but don't know if that is "too weird''. He never married or had any children.

Dh doesn't care if I go as long as I don't take the girls. (Normally I do take them but they are for people they know, KWIM). Jeff was my first real boyfriend and Dh has met him a few times over the years.

My girlfriend (my maid of honor, I was her's) who called me said they are going on vacation today but her DH (Jeff's best friend and was Brian's best man) will be coming back for the services. I don't even have Justine to hang out with if I go.

Any suggestions? Maybe just a card to his parents? They are really great people.

 

[ntburns22]

I would probably go to the viewing. Just sending a card to his parents is ok too. Just do what you feel comfortable with.

 

[WishingOnAStar]

This isn't the same situation, but - I recently found out a guy I dated in college - almost 20 years ago, was killed in a plane crash (he was in the Navy). He died a few years ago, though. I debated about sending a note, and finally did it. I just told his parents how sorry I was to find out and what I remembered most about him (he LOVED to dance!).
I got a lovely card in return saying they loved to hear from people who knew him.

So, I guess what I'm saying is, send a card to the family.

 

[tinatark]

If he was still in your group of friends/acquaintenances - I would go. It will mean a lot to his parents, I'm sure.

 

[lookingforward]

Definately go! If you can't go send a card to his parents. One of my college boyfriends died shortly after college (3years) and although I did not get to his funeral (he died in California and was buried quickly due to his religious laws) I wrote his mother a letter with some of my memories of him. I never knew she "knew" about me but she wrote me back and told me that he had spoken of me many times and said it meant a lot to her to hear from me. It really meant something to me to honor him that way. Gosh, it has been 20 years since he died (1986). Wow.

 

[ducklite]

I'd stop in to the viewing to express your sympathies to his parents, and send a card as well.

Over twenty years ago we had a tragic sudden death in my immediate family. Over 600 people came to the viewing, and to be honest I can only remember a handful, but the ones that meant the most were the ones we hadn't seen in a long time who cared enough to wait in the freezing cold in a long line to pay their respects. One of my former boyfriends came and it meant a lot to all of us.

Anne

 

[MAKmom]

If your asking your thinking you should go. It would be kind to do for his parents since he never married & does not have children. If its local & you can pop into the viewing I would do it.

 

[Grumpy's Wife]

I would go to the viewing, express your condolences to his parents and send a card as well. I don't feel as if you need to be there the whole time. I think thirty minutes is a respectable enough time to attend.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would send a card and also go to the viewing if it is local. Just pop in and pay your respects and leave. You don't have to hang out.
I have gone to a couple of viewings where this is the case.

If it is out of town, I probably would not go but would send something.

 

[PaulaSue]

Thanks for the OPs. I don't want to upset his parents and wanted another OP.

Yes it is local. His parents live down the road (if they didn't move). I stayed the night many times when we dated (88-90).

 

[Marseeya]

Just a related story to help you decide.

My high school sweetheart died at the age of 19. The entire time we were together, his mother hated me and forbid him to date me. When he died, I was in agony trying to decide what to do (we'd been broken up by that point, but still stayed in touch very fondly, and had plans to reunite "someday." ) I went ahead to the memorial service, but sat in the back and tried to be very discreet about my presence out of respect for his grieving mother.

A few weeks later, she approached me and thanked me for being there, and she and I became friendly towards each other. It was very bittersweet, but I was glad for the chance for us to get to know each other.

At any rate, I know our situations are different, but GO. Especially since the two of you remained in contact somewhat.

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[Planogirl]

Just a related story to help you decide.

My high school sweetheart died at the age of 19. The entire time we were together, his mother hated me and forbid him to date me. When he died, I was in agony trying to decide what to do (we'd been broken up by that point, but still stayed in touch very fondly, and had plans to reunite "someday." ) I went ahead to the memorial service, but sat in the back and tried to be very discreet about my presence out of respect for his grieving mother.

A few weeks later, she approached me and thanked me for being there, and she and I became friendly towards each other. It was very bittersweet, but I was glad for the chance for us to get to know each other.

At any rate, I know our situations are different, but GO. Especially since the two of you remained in contact somewhat.

I'm sorry for your loss.

That's a shame and a good example of doing something you might regret later. You were kind to go.

To the OP, I agree with most of the others. Visit and send a card if you can. The parents will be so grateful.

 

[Disney Doll]

Unless there were some very hard feelings on the part of his family about your break-up, I would go. I'd probably also send or bring a nice card with some nice thoughts or memories about the deceased...even something as simple as "what always impressed me about Jeff was how generous and thoughtful he was...he always took such pains to find the perfect gift"...you know what I mean, something specific to him... will be comforting.

 

[PaulaSue]

Thanks! I wrote the card today.

They asked for donations to SPCA so I think I will do that too. Now I have to find someone to watch the girls since both of the services are during the day. P.S. I only want to go to the viewing for a few moments.

 

[UnderTheMistletoe]

Firstly, I am incredibly sorry to hear of your loss.

I think you need to do what is right for you. There is no cut and dry answer and only you know what's right for you.

If you need the closure (as is very likely when someone this young dies this suddnely), you should probably go. There's nothing worse then having regrets and not being able to fix them. You don't have to see the parents if you go to the service, if you didn't want to.

If you can seek that closure by sending a card or flowers, then take that route.

Do what you need to do. Best wishes...

 

[Cass]

If you can go... then go. Just do what you can.

 

[poohandwendy]

That is sad, he was so young! I would definitely go and pay your respects (if you can). It means so much to the family to know their loved one touched many people.

I also agree with DD that mentioning something personal, like something that you admired in him, would be a really nice thing to do for his parents. They would remember your kindness forever I am sure.

 

[barkley]

weather you go or not, i have a suggestion. if you have any photos that include him that you are willing to give up, send them in a card to his parents. many parents of adult children do not have photos other than those taken at family events-it can be very special to have photos of their child doing things/interacting with people he felt close to.

kind of unrelated, but-i dated a young man for over 5 years and ultimatly turned down his marriage proposal but remained very close to him. his eventual wife did not like me (i think she felt threatened somehow), but her attitude towards me softened greatly when i learned they had had a child and i bundled up photos of her husband (none with me in them ) and sent them off with instructions to hold on to them for their ds until such a time as he would enjoy seeing his dad during his "crazy youth". i got the nicest thank you note (and got added to the holiday letter list ) from her saying she had searched high and low for photos from that time (hoping to use them to tease her dh) and was thrilled to now have some.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Hugs.

My college sweetheart was killed in action last year in Afghanistan but I did attend the memorial service and was so glad that I did. It will mean alot to his family if you attend.

I also agree with the suggestions to write a letter with some fond memories and send some pictures.

 

[PaulaSue]

Okay Please help one more time...What do I wear?

Outfit one ~ black capries and a pale pink or pale green short sleeve shirt with healed (nice) slip-ons. Casual but nice IMO

Outfit two~ a fancy black dress knee lenght with red roses on one thigh and black pumps.

I want to be respectful but not appear to be the griving (still madly in love) ex-girlfriend. KWIM I don't know if he has a serious girlfriend and I don't want to upstage her. He never married or had kids.

I am not sure with military honors if it would be more formal than the funerals I have been to over the last few years.

TIA

* Edited the link to the obit for saftey issues