Lage age gap between siblings? Contemplating having 2nd child

[DisneyNutMary]

Thank you everyone for all of your input.

I don't know how to listen to what my heart is telling me. My mind over-analyzes everything to the point where I scare myself out of making any changes in my life. I'm so afraid of regretting my decision later.

Is it possible to let nature decide? Or would you have to work for it?
I hope that is not prying too much, but I can tell you that you will never find yourself holding your baby and regretting it, so your only regret could possibly come from opting not to try again.

My boys are five years apart, and my step son is five years older than my older boy. They get along well, and the age difference has never been an issue. They each have their own set of friends and activities, and they have always enjoyed watching each other compete in sports and activities. As they are getting older, they are getting closer, because the younger boys call the older one for advice on everything from clothes to girls to college choices. Neither of my boys was planned, and each time I was scared out of my wits how to juggle school, childcare, work, activities, everything. But all of my worries faded away when I held them for the first time.
They are now, working, in grad school and college respectively and I have never regretted a second of it. I just wish time went slower and my babies could still be little.

 

[klmall]

My brother and I are 14 months apart but then there is an 11 year gap before the next three children giving us a total span of 16 years from oldest to youngest. My parents always said that there were friends who knew the oldest two kids and then a separate group of friends who knew only the younger 3 kids.

My sister and I (oldest and youngest in family) are very close today! I'm so glad I have siblings especially when I look at my DH who had none.

I have only 1 child but it wasn't due to choice; just lots of problems with endometriosis etc. I hate to think of him being alone when we are gone even though I know that's not a good reason to have a second child.

 

[luvsJack]

My oldest is 16 years older than my youngest and my middle one is 14 years older than the youngest. They are all very close and always have been. And now my oldest son's wife is as close to dd as any sister.

It was an experience having a two year old, one starting college and one starting to drive all the same year bit it has never been boring!!

 

[tinatark]

We have friends with 4 kids, 18, 11, 3,3 (twins). It's tough with them being so far apart.

 

[si-am]

I am 8 years older than my brother. While I admit I found him annoying at times when we were kids (typical sibling relationships,) we've always been pretty close. I remember coming home from college and really enjoying playing Nintendo and board games with him... Something I wouldn't have done without a little brother to do it with.

 

[ten6mom]

I was almost 10 when my sister was born and my stepsons are about 9 years apart (11 and 20). I can't say I would have wanted that for my own children. My 2 boys are about 2.5 years apart and I much prefer it that way.

 

[Westcoastwild]

Does anyone here have 2 children several years apart, like 7+ years?

I’m surprising myself by even having these thoughts, but I’m actually thinking of having a second child. My daughter is now 7 years old so they would be very far apart in age.

I’m not 100% sure what is stirring up these feelings. She is an only child and is getting to the age where she doesn’t quite need me as much anymore. We stopped at one due to some chronic respiratory problems that she had as a baby/toddler/young child. We went through several hospital stays, lots of specialists, CT scans, etc. The works. It was traumatizing because we couldn’t figure out what was wrong or what might happen. Knock on wood, after several years we have things more under control.

So now what is stopping me? Mostly the huge age gap. And the fact that I’m scared of what could go wrong. After having been through the medical ringer, I feel like I know too much about what could go wrong. Uggh! And I can’t imagine having a newborn again, but I know now that that time does pass quickly.

On the other hand, I feel a void in my life and in my heart. I feel restless. I’m still child-bearing age so maybe it’s just hormones. We have 3 neighbors who all had an only child for several years and now have a second (anywhere from 7-11 years apart). I always thought they were nuts but here I am now, contemplating the same thing!!!

Do any of you have a large age gap? Did your children bond over time despite the age difference? Would you do it all over again?

I'm not sure if my restless feelings are a good reason to move forward with this. But what is a good reason??

I honestly think you're worried about the wrong thing. The sibling and I that are closest in age fought constantly as kids. Now we get along as adults and we generally gang up on our baby sister. She's more than a decade younger. It's kind of hard as a teen to have a much younger sibling simply because (at least in my parents' case) family holidays were supposed to be fun for everyone, and how much in common does a 5 year old and a fifteen year old really have? But the difference goes away the older the youngest gets. She's still obviously the baby, but she's also over 21 so there isn't really a huge difference in interests or mental capabilities.

But where it really made a difference was with my parents. They don't acknowledge it ever, but it has delayed retirement significantly. My youngest sister has a different relationship with our folks than we do because 1) she was a bit like an only child, 2) they had more money, 3) their health is declining, and lastly- most significantly- their relationship is different. My parents are the same people but not the same parents if that makes any sense. I think you need to consider it from that angle.

I realize it isn't for everyone, but have you considered fostering?

 

[Mickeyluver37]

Our kids are 19, 17, 8, and 1. The older 2 have always been really close. They even have a lot of the same friends and all hang out together when DD is home from college. The 8 year old adores his brothers and his sister but has mentioned he wished he had a sibling close in age to do things with. The baby is just spoiled rotten and oblivious to it all a the moment.

I wouldn't change any of it for the world. The biggest impact it will have on us is definitely financial. Having kids in daycare and college at the same time is a total budget buster. We really haven't had a real vacation since the baby came along. Ideally for closeness of siblings, they'd all be 1 year apart, but I can't imagine having 4 kids under four, and there's no way we would be where we are today if we had 4 little kids while we were still in college. Looking back, I don't know how we did it with 2. We also seem to grow apart from groups of friends a lot. We meet a group of friends through a travel baseball team for instance, and when everyone kind of outgrows that and starts doing other things like going out more on the weekends or adult trips because their kids are grown, we're still on the ball field with the younger ones. It's not a reason not to have another child, it's just something I've noticed. Our schedule is jam packed- friends get sick of asking you to do things and you can never go, so they stop asking.

One of the things my older kids really love now is the holidays. Santa has been hanging around our house for a very long time, and still has many more years left! Most of their friends are sleeping in on Christmas morning at this point, while all of our traditions continue.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

My mother is the oldest of 6 girls. She is very close to sibling #5 that is 14 years younger than her. She's also close to #2 (18 months younger) and #4 (11 years younger). I think it's more personality based. She loves #6 but she's a tough pill to swallow for my mom. She's a spoiled brat and 17 years younger than my mom. They get along better now.

 

[skuttle]

My kids are 13, 5.5, and 4. We struggled with secondary infertility between 1 and 2. We started trying with #1 was 3 and it took 4 years. Then my 3rd was a complete surprise that we never thought would happen since we struggled so much for #2. All three have their good days and bad days. LOL! I agree with the others that say you end up with different groups of friends. Thankfully, my best friend had two kids right after I had my oldest, then she had a surprise #3 a couple of years after I had my third. So we are on a similar path!

One thing I've learned is that the age gap, whatever it may be, does not guarantee anything as far as how close your kids may be. My DH and his sister are 18 months apart, completely different types of people, and have never been close. My mom and her youngest brother are 13 years apart and very close. You just never know.

I think the biggest thing to consider is if YOU want to "drag out" this parenting thing.

 

[NotUrsula]

It's all I know, both for my own siblings and my kids. I can't begin to imagine trying to deal with multiple littles at the same time, from the stress of it to the financial issues. My kids are 10 yrs apart. They don't get along very well, but the age difference isn't the reason, they just have VERY different personalities. (Life is much more peaceful now that the eldest is away at school.) By the time the younger one is 18 we will have had a minor in the house for 28 years. (Which doesn't touch my parents' record. There were 4 of us, and they had minors in the house for 40 years.)

There are upsides and downsides to every spacing issue; it's all in what aspect is a deal-breaker for you.

 

[camreesmom]

I'm the oldest of 6 and my youngest sibling is 13 years younger than me. I am closer to him than I am to any of my sisters.

My husband and I both had children from previous relationships when we got married and so there are 21 years between our oldest (34) and youngest (13). DD17 is the closest to the oldest and our youngest is closest to her 24 year old twin brothers. I definitely think it is more of a personality thing than anything else.

I will agree with what a PP said about some friendships falling by the wayside once the friend's kids are grown and out of the house but we still have younger kids at home. You just don't have as much in common with them as before.

Another thing that has just come up this past week..........my DM is seriously ill and has been in the hospital for a week now. I can't even imagine dealing with this as an only child and no siblings to help.

 

[aprilgail]

I think 7 years apart is fine. Gave you chance to enjoy the childhood of your first without having to split attention between kids. Now the youngest is a bit older and you will be able to spend one on one time with the baby while the older one is in school. I think it is perfect! Just because kids are close in age does not automatically make them close- I spent my childhood wishing I was an only child!

 

[scjo68]

My daughter is 6 1/2 years older than my son. Even though they have always been involved in different activities, and their personalities are like night and day, they are close. They (and we) were usually going in different directions so didn't spent a lot of time together but they did enjoy each other when they were together. She is a college freshman and he's in middle school but they miss each other and face time most nights.

It has really prolonged a lot of "kid" family events, like pp mentioned, Santa, Etc. for us that's been positive because we like family tradition stuff like that. Dd likes an excuse to do that stuff with her younger brother and if we had not had him we would have moved past all that stuff long ago.

 

[stout]

I completely agree with the last post! My DD4 keeps my DD10 young at heart--DD10 can still be involved in all of her school activities, but then on a Saturday morning curl up with her little sister on the couch and watch Disney Jr. They are best friends while at home and rarely argue--they play so well together! It also helps DD4 be more adventurous. I was 3 years older than my sister and we fought like cats and dogs, but we are close now. While it was hard to struggle thru fertility treatments, I feel blessed that my girls are at the ages they are!

 

[Dinohood]

yes my sister older daughter is 7 years older then her middle sister and 11 years older then the last sister. Be happy 7 years is not the bad tim allan has a 27 year old daughter and a 7 year old daughter.

 

[Kitty 34]

I'm 5,6,7,and 11 years older than my siblings and we are all extremely tight.

My sons are 6 and 8 years apart from the oldest son and they, too, are very close........now.

 

[Colleen27]

I am 9 years older than my sister. The one suggestion I would make is do not, under any circumstances, put your oldest child in a position to in any way parent the younger. My parents divorced not long after my sister was born, and because my mother was working longer hours to make ends meet, I was, at the age of twelve, forced into a more parental role with my sister. Because of that, it is hard for me not to look at her like a parent. I find myself being more judgmental of her, she more rebellious with me, and we don't have the closeness that I've seen a lot of my friends share with their sisters as a result. Being shifted into a parental role also had an impact on me in that my childhood kind of got deferred/delayed into adulthood as you can see by my avatar. LOL.

I don't blame my mom for this - it was what needed to happen for us to continue to make it, financially, but it definitely wasn't the optimal situation.

I think even that has a lot to do with personality. DD15 was a little hurt that she wasn't our first choice when I was considering childcare issues re: me going back to school. I thought it would be too much to put on her. Some semesters, it meant getting younger DD (6yo when I started back, 8 now) ready for school and walking with her. Some it was walking her home and watching her until either DH or I got home, sometimes as late as 7 or 8 so she had to do dinner and homework. But she wanted to do it and I think they've gotten closer as a result. And I really appreciate the help, particularly since it is so freely offered; at that age, I resented the heck out of the expectation that I would watch my brother for the couple of hours between the end of school and when my mom got home, so it really surprised me that DD was so happy to take it on.

 

[Cubbiecakes]

He is not convinced. He likes our current life where we can take a vacation every year and no daycare costs, etc. He says he is content with how things are. He doesn't think having another kid is the answer to my 'unfulfilled' and 'missing something' issue. Maybe he's right, I'm not sure

You've been "Mom" for so long you've forgotten that you had a life before you had a child. Now that your child is becoming more independent, you need to reconnect with the YOU you used to be and move on with your life.

Don't bring another person into the world just because you don't want to grow up and move on as an adult. The worst thing you can do is double down just because you can't handle not having a dependent person hanging on you 24/7.

 

[Bluestars]

I have three kids, one every six years. I didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out. There are pros and cons of a large age gap. When I thought about having a third child, the age gap didn't even enter my mind. My youngest ended up being the easiest of the three and had a lot of advantages the older two didn't have. For me, it was the right decision and I can't imagine life any other way. If I had known how easy he would be, I might have even had a 4th child.