Kind of odd question

[amykathleen2005]

OK, I do not have a disability myself, but from the response I have had from family members is mixed so I thought I would ask a bigger audience. I like to help people whenever I can, especially if I see that they are in need of some assistance.


However, I have had a mixed reaction by some people who have a disability. Some are very happy for the assistance but some become angry that I thought that they needed it, for example, opening a door, etc.

So what do you think? Should I be upfront and just offer assistance, or wait for a person to ask for fear of destroying someone's independence?

Note:This certainly is not meant as an offece to anyone, just an honest question.

 

[mamacate]

My son's disabilities are not physical, but here's what I do as an able-bodied person. I usually just go up to the person if there's a situation that's clearly hard to navigate (someone with canes going through a heavy door, etc.), and say "can I give you a hand with that?" before actually doing it. I use a casual tone of voice, and I don't jump in to help someone who doesn't clearly need it, though if it's borderline I might ask. That usually meets with a positive reaction, in my experience, but hopefully someone else will chime in from a personal perspective. It is important to note, though, that everyone is different, and some people get frustrated when help is offered; others when help is not offered. People with disabilities are just as diverse as people without them...

 

[OneLittleSpark]

For myself, I don't mind people offering help, as sometimes I really do need it. What I don't like, is when people push past me to get a door for me. I understand it's meant to be helpful, and not at all intended to be a slur on my abilities, but I just prefer to be asked first. There are times though, as I said, when help is really appreciated. I'm still not great with really heavy pull doors for instance (there's one on campus, which is not only heavy, but also has a door sill so large I can only get past it by wheelieing. Really clever design, that ) and am grateful when someone offers some help. That's just me, I don't know about anyone else. Oh, and congratulations for asking, most people don't get the guts up !

 

[Cheshire Figment]

My thought is it is much more polite to offer assistance rather than provide it without first offering. Definitely don't wait for a person to ask before offering, they may be embarrassed and/or scared to ask.

I see this from three different views.

I am 6'2" and can usually walk unaided (or using the cart for support) in a grocery store. My size can be intimidating. It is very easy for me to get things off top shelves, especially if they are toward the back of the shelf. I will routinely ask people if I can get them something from a shelf.

When I am running around in the parks (actually driving my ECV) it makes my life much easier when someone offers to hold a door open for me or to get something from a high shelf. Of course, I'm not proud and will sometimes ask strangers to assist if I need it.

I am now in a short-term very disabled situation, having had total hip replacement surgery (one side) and there is a lot I cannot do for the next few months until I am fully healed. Again, I am very appreciate of people asking if they can help.

Some things, such as if you happen to be going through a door just ahead of a person in a wheelchair or ECV, might just be automatic, such as holding the door open for a few seconds after passing through it. But as a general rule I think it is better to ask if you can provide assistance than to provide it unasked.

 

[BillSears]

My thought is it is much more polite to offer assistance rather than provide it without first offering. Definitely don't wait for a person to ask before offering, they may be embarrassed and/or scared to ask.

Yep this is how I prefer it. I don't mind people asking as long as they understand sometimes it really is easier for me to just do it myself.

But whatever you do please don't just walk up and "help". I've had my knuckles scraped up pretty good by people walking up while I was getting my wheelchair in or out of the car and "helping" by grabbing my chair and pushing it in or out of the car...excuse me but my hand was in the way and that's why the chair wasn't out of the car yet.

I also love the one where I'm leaning forward to reach for a handle and they open the door for me...sorry but I'm abit off balance at that point and you pulling the handle out of my reach just made it worse.

And never, never just walk up behind me and start pushing my chair. That's a major no no.

 

[KPeveler]

And never, never just walk up behind me and start pushing my chair. That's a major no no.

I can't believe people would do that! It would be like walking up behind a grown man who is a total stranger and starting to carry him because its easier than him walking.

in fact i have been told by people in WCs that when i eventually get mine i should get fold-down handles so people wont come up and start pushing me...

 

[thop529]

And never, never just walk up behind me and start pushing my chair. That's a major no no.
LOL, my first thought was "Oh, hell no" I have a power chair, so no one will be pushing me. I just can't believe people do that

Ok, my take on things is this. YES, by all means please hold a door open for me. It is so difficult to try and geth through a door in a power chair. Pushing the joysitck and then pulling the door, backing up, it can be a mess.

If I'm in the store and can't reach something I will usually ask someone to get it for me. Most people are very, very nice and will get it.

When I was walking, I got out of my car really strange, and people would ask me if I needed help. It's just how I did it, and the best thing was to let me do it and leave me alone. Please don't stare!

One thing is a really big NO NO. As stated by Bill, Don't touch our chairs. They are a part of us, and I know with me I cringe when someone touches my chair or makes comments like...Man, you are lucky, or I wish I had one of those to ride around in all day. Sorry, comments like that really piss me off.

I can remember one time I was in a line and a girl behind me maybe in her 20's was leaning on the back of my chair. I said in a rather loud voice. "I better know you or you better be a family member. If your not you better get off my chair" She stopped leaning on me then. To me that would be like coming out of Walmart and finding a stranger laying on the hood of your car.

Also, little kids are fasinated by our chairs, they will ask questions. Let them ask, it's how they learn and understand that not everyone is mobile. Don't feel uncomfortable. I live across the street from an elementary school playground and I get all kinds of questions. Most are "Hey mister, why can't you walk" I just answer honestly and that satisfies the kids.

 

[KPeveler]

One thing is a really big NO NO. As stated by Bill, Don't touch our chairs. They are a part of us, and I know with me I cringe when someone touches my chair or makes comments like...Man, you are lucky, or I wish I had one of those to ride around in all day. Sorry, comments like that really piss me off.

Also, little kids are fasinated by our chairs, they will ask questions. Let them ask, it's how they learn and understand that not everyone is mobile. Don't feel uncomfortable. I live across the street from an elementary school playground and I get all kinds of questions. Most are "Hey mister, why can't you walk" I just answer honestly and that satisfies the kids.

I know how you feel about people touching your chair. you kinda want to say "you're in disney world for crying out loud! Is there nothing more interesting to see than my chair?????"

I have no problems with little kids asking questions. Its when adults come up and ask about the car accident (i wasnt in a car accident) that annoys me.

Also, when random people tell me about my "courage." I am "courageous" for using a chair. No, I'm not. I use it cause i have to.

Here is a funny but totally politically-incorrect story. my friend is in a wheelchair due to a rare neurological condition. She was out at a mall and a random woman came up and said "oh, i'll pray to jesus for you. jesus can help you." My friend is Indian and Hindu, so Jesus was not particularly important to her religious life. She decided to transfer out of her chair and have an able bodied friend get in. He was going to wheel past this woman again and when she said something about jesus saving him from the wheelchair, he was going to leap out of the chair and yell "I'm saved! I'm saved!"

 

[thop529]

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, Now that is something my buddy Troy and I would do. OMG, I'm rolling!!!!!!!!

I have heard the Jesus thing since I was diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy. I don't dare go to church on a special service ( I was raised Pentecostal) because they would be practically pulling me out of my chair. Now, don't get me wrong I know people can be healed, I have seen it happen, but I guess my faith just isn't great enough.

I know what you mean by the "courage" thing. WTH!!!!!! I get the inspiration thing a lot. I feel I'm just living my life with the help of wheels.

 

[KPeveler]

OK, I do not have a disability myself, but from the response I have had from family members is mixed so I thought I would ask a bigger audience. I like to help people whenever I can, especially if I see that they are in need of some assistance.


However, I have had a mixed reaction by some people who have a disability. Some are very happy for the assistance but some become angry that I thought that they needed it, for example, opening a door, etc.

So what do you think? Should I be upfront and just offer assistance, or wait for a person to ask for fear of destroying someone's independence?

Note:This certainly is not meant as an offece to anyone, just an honest question.

btw, kudos to you for asking. I think you phrased your question in a polite manner. it takes a lot of courage to ask questions about a sensitive subject like disability. I would much rather have people ask polite questions than stare when they think i am not looking, or just sit there feeling uncomfortable. so for you

 

[KPeveler]

I get the inspiration thing a lot.

If you want inspiration read a hallmark card or watch Oprah.

my life is not there to inspire you. at best I hope my life makes you think...

 

[amykathleen2005]

btw, kudos to you for asking. I think you phrased your question in a polite manner. it takes a lot of courage to ask questions about a sensitive subject like disability. I would much rather have people ask polite questions than stare when they think i am not looking, or just sit there feeling uncomfortable. so for you

 

[kaytieeldr]

So what do you think? Should I be upfront and just offer assistance, or wait for a person to ask for fear of destroying someone's independence?

If you want to offer assistance without asking first... please meet me outside Cosmic Ray's on September 28, between 5:30 and 6 PM, the door closest to Auntie Gravity's. Please. I can tell you right now I will not be able to enter the building without assistance. The doors open out, and none of them offer an automated option. TIA!

 

[casaazul]

I was raised to be polite and open the door and hold it for anyone, a kid, a pregnant woman, a grampa and anyone who would benefit from not having a door slam in their face. I am trying to teach this to my 12 yo son!

I would NEVER think to touch someone's wheelchair or ECV unless they were in total distress. I talked to my son about getting up from his bus seat while at WDW, when a mom came on holding a sleeping toddler and a gramma who looked tired needed a seat. Life lessons are important.

I remember to say please, thank you and excuse me.

 

[tmbrea]

While I have been know to hold a door I'm going through for the person behind me (disability or not) as a nurse who works with the elderly I've have learned to asked before jumping in and offering help. It has been my experience that we all (disability or not) like to know we have at least some independance. While help is sometimes needed, we all need that option to say "no thank you, I can do this myself".

 

[Carnator]

OK, I do not have a disability myself, but from the response I have had from family members is mixed so I thought I would ask a bigger audience. I like to help people whenever I can, especially if I see that they are in need of some assistance.


However, I have had a mixed reaction by some people who have a disability. Some are very happy for the assistance but some become angry that I thought that they needed it, for example, opening a door, etc.

So what do you think? Should I be upfront and just offer assistance, or wait for a person to ask for fear of destroying someone's independence?

Note:This certainly is not meant as an offece to anyone, just an honest question.

I myself would never ask for help,but when it is offered I will accept it. Except as Bill stated that it is sometimes easier to do it myself. I use an ECV at work, shopping and of cource WDW. When I have to walk on my own I fall down alot. When I fall people are always trying to help pick me up. Well my upper body is quite strong and that is the way I pick myself up. So when they grab my arms without asking it causes quite a problem. So unless they are very very strong they are usually laying right beside me. They usually only try the one time and then they realize that it would have been quicker getting up by myself. I know they don't mean any harm.

Anyway thanks for asking a honest question. I don't mind being asked.

 

[Davidsmommy]

I hold doors for everyone. Seriously. Men, women, children, disabled, whatever...

If someone is closeby, I hold the door open. It just seems like the right thing to do. I wouldn't ask someone if they needed help - I just hold the door open because it is polite.

I wouldn't ever start pushing someone I don't know in their wheelchair unless they asked - that would be intrusive.

Going to Epcot one day in January, we were getting off the monorail and there was a man alone in a wheelchair (manual) who asked my dh for a push up the hill incline. He was happy to oblige and had a nice chat with him while he pushed him (if I recall correctly, they talked baseball lol). But - he needed help and asked. Had he not asked and appeared to be struggling, we would have asked if he needed help. If he didn't appear to be struggling, we wouldn't ask unless he did first.

If I see anyone struggling with anything, disabled or not, I ask to help - but I don't just jump in and do it (except for holding a door or something small like that).

 

[GroovyWheeler]

During the times when my power chair would have breakdowns, and I had to use my manual wheelchair (or walk with my walker/cane), I was always grateful to someone offering their assistance. Especially, when my power chair broke down just two days after my birthday last year, and left me stranded in town for about a half hour or so, in the pouring down rain and right in the middle of the crosswalk (until a Good Samaritan was able to put it on "manual" and push it out of the crosswalk, after I showed him how to put it on "manual"), until my DH was able to come and help me get my power chair home (thank goodness for cell phones). With him only having use of one hand, it was a bit tricky. But, we managed to get it home without any more trouble.

Samantha

 

[BillSears]

BTW, just for a clarification on the door bit. I'm very happy to see polite people hold the door open for me or others. I even return the favor when I reach the door first.

The only problem I have is when I'm approaching a door and someone runs up from behind me reaches over and grabs the door as I'm reaching for it. That's what throws me off. So for me treat me just like everyone else as reguards to doors since I can open them just about as well as anyone else.

Of course there are others who do have problems with doors. I guess there really isn't any way to know how to respond to this subject without asking the person involved.

 

[Accentuate+]

I'm by no means an expert on this but that's never stopped me from opening my mouth before.

I approach helping a handicapped person the way I'd approach helping any person. If I'm first to a door and someone is fairly close behind me I'll hold it for them. If someone seems to be struggling with something I'll ask "anything I can do?". If something is about to topple on someone's head I'll grab it and ask questions later.

The answer depends on the person you want to help. Some people are too proud to accept any assistance, some are offended if it's offered. That's true of the typically abled as well. Most people appreciate acts of courtesy.

I have a friend who uses a chair. Just hanging out with her I've seen that well meaning people can sometimes make life harder, not easier. The main thing is people making too much of a production out of it. Holding a door for someone is great - making a big deal of clearing the way, exaggerating how far you hold it, etc is time consuming and embarrasing.

So, what everyone else said - unless disaster is imminent - ask before you help...and try not to make a big deal out of it.


Just remember that wheelchair doesn't necessarily = weak. Wheeling yourself all day, moving your entire body with just your arms is not easy. Whenever people treat her like an invalid I so want to say "do you have any idea the upper body strength this woman has - she could totally kick your **** if she wanted to"