Kids who won't eat, nap, etc.

[2angelsinheaven]

Question: The little girls who I take care of aren't very good eaters, even at the table with no distractions, etc. Lately the older one Madison who is 4yrs. old will sit and pick her food but will not eat, I give her ample time 30-40 minutes to eat and she still will only eat a bite or two, 10 minutes before nap time I prompt her to finish her lunch. She will just sit there, 5 minutes before nap I tell her that she has a few more moments to finish before nap... when I tell her it is nap time, she picks up the food and will take a bite and cries that she is hungry, etc. If I let her sit and try to finish she goes back to not eating again, if I pick her up to put her down to nap and screams and crys she is hungry. And will cry (throw a tantrum) for a good 20 minutes till she falls asleep. Anyone have any experience with this? Is it wrong for me to go ahead and put her to nap without lunch (mind you she has already had breakfast, she is not "going hungry" by any means) and try to reserve lunch when she wakes? Or should I let her have more time... I think 30-40 minutes is more than enough for a sandwhich and some fruit. I have a college degree in Early Childhood Education but I'm dumbfounded, never had a child who didn't eat, or only ate for the fact of not having to clean up or go to bed.

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

Lately the older one Madison who is 4yrs. old will sit and pick her food but will not eat, I give her ample time 30-40 minutes to eat

Do you make her sit there for 40 minutes?

 

[2angelsinheaven]

I don't make her, if she says she is done we head to nap, but I will allow her to take up to 30-40 minutes to eat before I call it quits and it's nap time and will try lunch after nap.

 

[Ellen aka Snow White]

I think this is ample time for a meal. However, she may not have an understanding of "time". I use my kitchen timer with the kids I keep. I set a timer for 5 minutes - during the first 5 minutes, there is no talking, just eating, then when that timer rings they can talk and socialize for 25 minutes. If at that time someone is not finished I set the timer for 5 more minutes of no talk and lunch is over. We do a "quiet" time before nap, where I read a story and we have a special character appearance (puppet). This motivates the kids to eat up so that we can see who will be visiting.

On occasion when one has started with a temper tantrum over not being done with lunch, they are given the choice: story or mat - but lunch is over. Set the rules and stick to them.

 

[bratus913]

My youngest sounds a LOT like that. She will be 4 in July and a) won't eat ANYTHING and b) takes FOREVER when she does. Much like Madison, she is not starving, either. She could easily sit at the kitchen table for over an hour!!!

What I've had to do is set a timer for a specific amount of time (usually about 30 minutes). There is absolutely no television, toys, books or any other distractions nearby. After the timer goes off, the plate gets taken away. Done. Finished until next meal or snack. I must say, I do use dessert as a 'carrot' to get them to eat, though. If the meal is not finished - no dessert.

Both of my girls are very familiar with this procedure and I don't get any hassels anymore (although my older one eats much faster anyway). Sometimes DD4 eats, sometimes she doesn't, but she is getting a **little** bit better.

I sympathize! But really, how long can a 4 yo play the "eat/don't eat" game? I see nothing wrong in setting a time, and making her stick to it (mine could sit all day long!!).

Good Luck!

 

[mickeyboat]

Are you my kid's babysitter? DD4 does the same thing. She will sit there the whole meal and not eat. Then when it is time for dessert and she doesn't get one because she has not eaten, she has a fit. Most of the time she will eat at that point, but sometimes she has a tantrum. I love the whole argument about how her belly is full but she can still eat a treat.

I know that she is not starving and she will eat when she is hungry. Some kids like to graze and don't want to eat at meal times. I try to limit snacks just before meal time and that seems to help. The other night at dinner she refused to eat. I found out the next day that her babysitter had given them a substantial snack just before they left. Of course she was not hungry.

Good luck to you. Thank you for caring so much about the kids you take care of. It makes us working away from home parents feel good to know that they are in the care of such wonderful people.

Denae

 

[2angelsinheaven]

I like the timer idea, our microwave has a timer and is right next to the girls table. I think I will try that. I've tried treats, lollipops, going out, playing, etc. Nothing will bribe her into eating. It's so fustrating when she's had 40 minutes to eat and she eats nothing and then when I go to take the food away she will grab whatever she can from me, throw a fit and stuff it in her mouth, of course she usually spits it out shortly after. What do you guys think is a good amount of time for dinner, her dad has such a hard time with them then too. She will just sit there, saying she is not hungry, but when it's time to go to take a bath or whatever she throws a fit, crys she is hungry too... just like at lunch. I think 30-40 is more than enough for a sandwhich, but what about dinner?

 

[ElizK]

Would it help if you gave her about 15 mins to play or color (do something quiet) after lunch, but before nap? Sounds like she's manipulating you so she doesn't have to go to nap. Maybe if she knew she had a few minutes to do something she likes she might finish her lunch.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have a eating issue dd as well. I have found that no drink works. If you are offering her milk, juice that will fill up a picky eater. Giver her the drink after she has had a few bites of food.

The screaming she is hungry when you say it is nap time is a ploy not to take a nap.

Honestly I always had lunch after nap because my dd would eat better then. She would be starving after nap & eat for me.

 

[pjlla]

Personally, I think you are a saint !! I'd put up with that about 5 seconds before I'd have a fit!! Quite frankly, it sounds bratty to me. Set some new FIRM lunch rules.... I like the timer idea. Five minutes of quiet eating time, 15 minutes of eating and socializing WHILE STILL SITTING AT THE TABLE, and then another 5 minutes of just quiet eating if they are not finished.... at that end of that it is nap time, whether they are finished or not!! END OF DISCUSSION (as I say to my kids!)................P

 

[jipsy]

What does the child's mother say about this and how does she suggest you handle it?

 

[Daydreamer64]

it sounds like she's found a way to put off nap time- my kids had both outgrown their naps before they were 4 years old.
Offer to let her stay up if she eats her lunch- say "I'll ask you to "rest" for 15 mins until the timer goes off but you must eat some of your lunch first"- if she lays quietly for 15 mins and did not go to sleep AND has had some food before she lays down then let her up for a bit. If that's too short of a break for you then cheat on the timer and set it for 30 mins instead. If she feels trapped into sleep that she doesn't need then she has to try to find a way to stay up and not having lunch is a good way to delay sleeping.

HTH

 

[2angelsinheaven]

No she needs her nap and once she is in her room she will take it, I've tried to offer playtime, coloring, etc after eating but it just ends in another fit when it's time to do something else. My main concern was her eating, I do not want to feel "wrong" for taking away her food after such a long "chance" for her to eat it. I guess I needed some reassurance that I wasn't being too harsh.

As far as mom is concerned, she is not in her live, has not been in over a year now, Madison and her younger sister live with me. Consulting mom is not an option...lol (I know not funny but I have to laugh), she wouldn't know the first thing.

I'm starting to think she may be stressed as well, causing some of her behavior (I've seen it all in the past few months), but still I feel she needs rules.

 

[epcotfan]

Could be that she doesn't want to nap, although maybe she just doesn't like eating what is being served. I know I certainly couldn't lie down immediately after eating or I would have wicked indigestion. Maybe she is having some digestive issues. Just a thought.

I went through a period as a child when I could barely eat anything. I was taking a lot of antacids. I'm sure it was from all the stress in my home life.

 

[shortbun]

I'm confused, you said in your original post that these
were "the little girls I take care of." and now you say
they are living with you for over a year. For a child that
age, you are their mother. Could there be some detachment
anxiety here as it seems like you are still just taking care
of them and not realizing that you are their "parent." I'm sorry, that seems like a flame, it's not meant to be. Just my observation.
Also, you are just mentioning lunch-does this happen for all
meals or just the one prior to lunch? If it's nap time that's
the issue, change the schedule to have nap after some
other activity and not immediately after lunch. Transitioning
into nap for a four year old becomes more difficult. At four
DS was required to lay down but could read or listen to
music, he didn't always sleep. Many children give up nap
off and on by three and just need "rest". Often, this enforced
rest leads to sleep. Also, we never required DS sit and eat
quietly mid day. Active children find this difficult and will graze
on a bowl of peas or shredded chicken and rice while they
are doing something else but sitting at a table will resist.
Grazing is ok. Children can learn that food is fuel and a piece
of cheese and some cut up grapes while being read a story is
just as good as sitting at a table. Are you eating with them
or hovering to see what they are eating? Stop and have your
lunch then too, make it social. I agree a limit should be set
but a child who is not hungry, should not be forced to eat or
feel pressure to eat. Ask this little girl what she wants to eat,
make her part of the process. That's all I've got, hope you guys
get bonded soon and things go better.

 

[2angelsinheaven]

Let me explain my situation, their mother was my best friend (since elementary school), I was there for both their births, early life, etc... about 2 years ago she really started to turn for the worse, left her husband, and doing some illegal stuff (do not want to elaborate, you get the idea), went through two pregnancys, lost a child, etc, anyhow last April the father and the kids moved in here because the mom took off with her boyfriend. She use to have them many days a week but for the past 6-8 months it's been once every two-three weeks she will see them (she lives 4 miles away). I'm very bonded with the girls, they are the light of my life. They are always on my mind when I'm not home, I'm always talking about them, etc. I guess I should have phrased it "the little girls that live with me"... but "taking care of them" is also what I do, I do not work so I am caregiver during the day. I take care of them like I would my own, bring them to WDW with us often, go shopping together, my family loves them and visits them as well.
I guess I'm so fustrated because I want the best for the girls, they are so sweet and innocent it pains me when I can tell they are stressed or when problems like not eating arise. They never really had rules at home when Mom was in their lifes, so now I feel pressured to set some, but in the same sense I feel terrible for giving consequences (time out chair, no dessert, all told to me by their dad) when I am not even sure they know whats right/wrong. I do explain to them right/wrong things, tell them the rules, but I think after 2-3 yrs of no rules they may just not understand.
My main concern was as to wether or not I was being too harsh, but only allowing 40 mins for lunch. This happens at all meals, except breakfast. I allow them to pick what they want, etc. Maybe it will pass.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have to agree with shortbun on this. You are now their surrogate mother. The father is giving out "rules" that do not sound like it is in their best interest. When he is there he can have "his" rules. When you are there you can have yours. Lets put it this way, maybe better for you to understand...if for instance the father was "dropping them off" for babysitting services he would not give you a list of punishment. You as a babysitter would make your own judgement. Does that make sense? Your gut is telling you that "things are not quite right". And you are correct!

You need to make changes because it sounds like the kids are ready for them and you are not taking their "cues".
You need to adjust, it is time.
Alter lunch time & get rid of nap time. As far as dinner kids that young really get their main meals from breakfast, lunch & snacks throughout the day. Make sure you provide some healthy snacks and I am sure that they will get all their nutrients.

Good Luck and you sound like a wonderful person to help these girls out!

 

[2angelsinheaven]

I agree with Dad's rules, this is their home and they need set limits, when I said I feel bad about consequences it's that I'm concerned that because they had no rules with mom and do not have any with her when they do see her that they are confused about whats right and wrong. I tend to be a little more strict than their dad, when he gets home, I no longer have any responsibility technically but still help with dinner, bedtime, etc because I don't feel like a babysitter, they live with me and I've known them forever, it just happens I 'sit' with them during the day so he can work.
I can really see the stress in the girls from their mom not being around, and this is causing me to doubt what I know is right (having rules, setting limits, etc) because I feel bad for them and think that if the stress was removed things would be different, calmer, better behaved, etc.
I guess my main question, and I could have stated it better in the earlier post was... how much slack do you allow when children are going through this (divorce, mom out of their lives, etc... before all this she was SAHM as well)... do you stay with the rules or cut slack, and if so how much...

 

[BrerMom]

I'm guessing that she's a very strong-willed little girl. Kids like this, like mine , can be very manipulative when they're trying to avoid something. When kids are under stress, they tend to try to control their environment a little more.

I don't say naptime anymore with DS because he doesn't want to sleep anytime, even at night! He might miss something! Since she's four and seemingly strong-willed, I'd drop the "naptime." We say rest-time. He's allowed to have all the books he wants on his bed and usually he'll fall asleep if he's tired enough to be grumpy.

I think you're being more than fair. I like the timer idea. Kids need to know that they're not in charge; it provides security for them.

 

[Keli]

As long as you are consistant I don't think the girls will be confused about you giving them rules to follow. Children understand that there are different rules with different people and they adapt to that pretty quickly (ask any babysitter) but you must be very consistant with your rules when you have them. When I used to babysit I would reinforce that idea by saying something like..."Remember you don't do that when you are with me, it's against our rules". After a very short time the kids would know what I expected of them and it wasn't a problem at all.