Kids Who Cry

[mickeyboat]

I have one child (6) who gets fussy when she is tired or needs something to eat.

But I have one child (7) who is just like everyone else has described. Believe me, there is a big difference. She just can't seem to handle disappointment or difficult situations well. She does well at school, though, thank goodness. She has gotten a lot better the last couple of years, but sometimes things just tip her over, and she just can't deal with them. We usually send her to her room when it is clear there is just nothing wrong with her, and redirection hasn't worked, and tell her she can come out when she is done.

To be honest, since she has started school, she has developed more confidece, and seems to handle things better. She also does much better when the rules and expectations are clear, and when consequences are clear and enforced (like at school). We have a new discipline/incentive program this summer, and even though it has only been a couple of days, I have noticed a difference already.

Denae

 

[NikiM20]

Sometimes. If it were an issue of him being sensitive - I would understand and empathize. And I do understand and empathize when he is upset because a friend can't play or he scrapes his knee.

But he cries mainly when he doesn't get exactly what he wants, when he wants.

Examples:

DS: "Can we order pizza tonight?"
Me: "Not tonight dear, I already started dinner."
DS: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

or

Me: "Five minutes til bedtime."
DS: "But I'm watching TV."
Me: "No, it's time for bed."
DS: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"

or

DS: "Can I go play at (friend's) house?"
Me: "Not now (it's too dark, they aren't home, we have to go someplace).
DS: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

You get the picture. If I tell him to go cry in his room, rather than disrupt all of us, he stomps in there and starts screaming "I never get to do anything. You hate me. Everybody hates me. I have no friends." Etc. Etc.

It's gotten to the point where we all dread having to say anything that is going to displease him - we don't cater to him - we just gear up for a four alarm crying fit whenever he hears the word no. Which, by the way, he never accepts as the answer. He will whine and whine until I am about to go insane.

Maybe its an age thing because my DD7 does the SAME thing. It drives me crazy

 

[summerrluvv]

Sometimes. If it were an issue of him being sensitive - I would understand and empathize. And I do understand and empathize when he is upset because a friend can't play or he scrapes his knee.

But he cries mainly when he doesn't get exactly what he wants, when he wants.

Examples:

DS: "Can we order pizza tonight?"
Me: "Not tonight dear, I already started dinner."
DS: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

or

Me: "Five minutes til bedtime."
DS: "But I'm watching TV."
Me: "No, it's time for bed."
DS: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"

or

DS: "Can I go play at (friend's) house?"
Me: "Not now (it's too dark, they aren't home, we have to go someplace).
DS: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

You get the picture. If I tell him to go cry in his room, rather than disrupt all of us, he stomps in there and starts screaming "I never get to do anything. You hate me. Everybody hates me. I have no friends." Etc. Etc.

It's gotten to the point where we all dread having to say anything that is going to displease him - we don't cater to him - we just gear up for a four alarm crying fit whenever he hears the word no. Which, by the way, he never accepts as the answer. He will whine and whine until I am about to go insane.

This is my son to a T.

Fortunately he doesn't cry at school.

 

[RadioNate]

Sometimes. If it were an issue of him being sensitive - I would understand and empathize. And I do understand and empathize when he is upset because a friend can't play or he scrapes his knee.

But he cries mainly when he doesn't get exactly what he wants, when he wants.

Examples:

DS: "Can we order pizza tonight?"
Me: "Not tonight dear, I already started dinner."
DS: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

or

Me: "Five minutes til bedtime."
DS: "But I'm watching TV."
Me: "No, it's time for bed."
DS: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"

or

DS: "Can I go play at (friend's) house?"
Me: "Not now (it's too dark, they aren't home, we have to go someplace).
DS: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

You get the picture. If I tell him to go cry in his room, rather than disrupt all of us, he stomps in there and starts screaming "I never get to do anything. You hate me. Everybody hates me. I have no friends." Etc. Etc.

It's gotten to the point where we all dread having to say anything that is going to displease him - we don't cater to him - we just gear up for a four alarm crying fit whenever he hears the word no. Which, by the way, he never accepts as the answer. He will whine and whine until I am about to go insane.

You described my 6 year old to perfection. He is EXACTLY the same way. Drives me bonkers too. Right now he is crying and doing the 'it's not fair' because we need to leave house for a few minutes and he doesn't want to go.

I have no solution.

 

[va32h]

DS12 was 'fussy' for a long time. He didn't really cry but he got whiny and miserable to be around. We finally figured it out that those times came when he was hungry and he just needed to eat something. Once we figured that out we made sure he ate a little something like a bag of fruit snacks before he got to that stage. It eliminated that behavior altogether.

You son could also have some sensory issues that make him overly sensitive. Do tags in clothing bother him? How is he putting on socks in the morning? Some kids just can't stand the feel of air blowing over their skin even. It might be worth investigating that.

The twins had a kid in their class at their old school the cried at EVERYTHING. He had ZERO coping skills. His parents didn't do anything about it. He is going into 7th grade and STILL does this at school. The 6th graders go to an environmental camp for a week in the spring and the big talk of the camp was that Aaron only cried once during the camp.

Hmmmm, I don't think so. He does not like tags in his shirts, but lots and lots of people feel that way (which is why so many shirtmakers don't even put tags in shirts anymore) so I really don't think it is anything like that.

I really have spoiled him. His father was essentially gone for the first two years of his life (military) and then I started working outside the home, and put him in daycare which I felt insanely guilty about, so I spoiled him to make up for it, and after a couple years of that, had another baby so I left work again, but by that time his father was heading off on another military assignment and gone for another year....

Basically, I have spoiled and indulged him for six years, always finding some excuse for why he needed it, but in this past year, his life is finally "normal" so I've quit doing that.

So maybe it's unfair of me to expect him to get with the new program so quickly. He has always been sensitive - using a pacifier till he was 2 1/2 and carrying his special blankie till he was 4 (he still has it in his underwear drawer). Now he has a special stuffed animal that he must sleep with.

Maybe I expect too much of him, because he is a boy. My daughters have lived the same life he has - but they are much less senstive. Must be hard-hearted, like me!

 

[AmazingGrace]

My seven year old dd is a drama queen. Whenever something doesn't go her way, or someone hurts her feelings, or her butt itches, or whatever, out come the tears. I think ignoring it and just not giving it too much attention is the way to go. She's my third, so I've gotten good at ignoring drama.
Now, I'm not talking about ignoring if the tears are from getting hurt or whatever, but if a child cries over her mac and cheese touching her veggies, then we ignore it and tell her to move on.

 

[bengalbelle]

Sometimes. If it were an issue of him being sensitive - I would understand and empathize. And I do understand and empathize when he is upset because a friend can't play or he scrapes his knee.

But he cries mainly when he doesn't get exactly what he wants, when he wants.

Examples:

DS: "Can we order pizza tonight?"
Me: "Not tonight dear, I already started dinner."
DS: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

or

Me: "Five minutes til bedtime."
DS: "But I'm watching TV."
Me: "No, it's time for bed."
DS: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"

or

DS: "Can I go play at (friend's) house?"
Me: "Not now (it's too dark, they aren't home, we have to go someplace).
DS: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

You get the picture. If I tell him to go cry in his room, rather than disrupt all of us, he stomps in there and starts screaming "I never get to do anything. You hate me. Everybody hates me. I have no friends." Etc. Etc.

It's gotten to the point where we all dread having to say anything that is going to displease him - we don't cater to him - we just gear up for a four alarm crying fit whenever he hears the word no. Which, by the way, he never accepts as the answer. He will whine and whine until I am about to go insane.

Sounds similar to my 6 year old. It's gotten better over the last few years, but he can still make us crazy with the crying. It's not a spoiled brat kind of crying, it's like he can't control his feelings and he'll start sobbing over the silliest things.

We tried talking to him (during the crying spell) but he wouldn't focus on what we were saying. We tried ignoring it but he seemed to cry longer when we did that. We finally started sending him to his room or another part of the house and told him to cry until he felt like he could talk again.

I do think he's gotten better over the last year. I've been told this is fairly common among first born children.

 

[princesspiglet]

My seven year old dd is a drama queen. Whenever something doesn't go her way, or someone hurts her feelings, or her butt itches, or whatever, out come the tears.

This is also my DD4.5 She is such a drama queen. We have learned to tune her out when she does her fake crying to get something. But OP, I also have spoiled her rotten since birth and am trying to stop that. She cries when she doesn't get what she wants (and it really does break my heart to see her cry) but I know I have to be strong because I don't want her growing up to be Paris Hilton and think the world owes her!

I am getting some good ideas on how to deal with it effectively through all these responses. Good luck to you!

 

[Tikicampers]

Hmmmm, I don't think so. He does not like tags in his shirts, but lots and lots of people feel that way (which is why so many shirtmakers don't even put tags in shirts anymore) so I really don't think it is anything like that.

I really have spoiled him. His father was essentially gone for the first two years of his life (military) and then I started working outside the home, and put him in daycare which I felt insanely guilty about, so I spoiled him to make up for it, and after a couple years of that, had another baby so I left work again, but by that time his father was heading off on another military assignment and gone for another year....

Basically, I have spoiled and indulged him for six years, always finding some excuse for why he needed it, but in this past year, his life is finally "normal" so I've quit doing that.

So maybe it's unfair of me to expect him to get with the new program so quickly. He has always been sensitive - using a pacifier till he was 2 1/2 and carrying his special blankie till he was 4 (he still has it in his underwear drawer). Now he has a special stuffed animal that he must sleep with.

Maybe I expect too much of him, because he is a boy. My daughters have lived the same life he has - but they are much less senstive. Must be hard-hearted, like me!

This and your other post, sound exactly like the child I was talking about that I had to get very firm with. It is going to take a while for this behavior to end. The most important thing to remember is that he is doing this to get a reaction out of you. Try as much as possible to ignore it. If he won't go to his room when he cries, then I would leave the room he is in if possible. It won't happen quickly, but once he learns that you will not give in, he should stop. A reward system for not crying would also be a good idea. Make a chart and give him a sticker each time he doesn't cry when he doesn't get his way. After say five stickers give him a reward. With the child in my class, the best reward was one on one time with an adult (me or the parapro). The trick with reward systems, is that at first you need to make sure they get rewarded a lot. Give him a sticker any time he isn't crying. Then once he sees that he can earn a reward, ease off a little and only give stickers when he is really trying hard not to cry.

 

[ilovejack02]

I really have spoiled him.
Basically, I have spoiled and indulged him for six years, always finding some excuse for why he needed it, but in this past year, his life is finally "normal" so I've quit doing that.

So maybe it's unfair of me to expect him to get with the new program so quickly. He has always been sensitive - using a pacifier till he was 2 1/2 and carrying his special blankie till he was 4 (he still has it in his underwear drawer). Now he has a special stuffed animal that he must sleep with.

Maybe I expect too much of him, because he is a boy. My daughters have lived the same life he has - but they are much less senstive. Must be hard-hearted, like me!

I dont think asking a child to do their whining and crying and fussing in another room so you dont have to hear it expecting too much.
I wouldnt tell him he couldnt do it or even scream at him for doing it.... Yelling doesnt work as I found out with my oldest DS (now 18) LOL. Sending him to his room to get out his frustrations worked... but as i said the screaming was NOT allowed crying, stomping, throwing his pillows and stuffed animals were, but none of that crap with trying to make the rest of the family miserable.
My oldest is actually my stepson, and he had a hard time of it before i came into the picture... His mom was in an abusive relationship and My DH tried to make up for it by giving into to everything. THe relationship with the bad man was over for his mom, but DS of course was messed up from it BUt once DH and I and DS's bio mom got on the same page with discipline ( and counseling) it worked WONDERFULLY... its just about consistency and NO EXCUSES. My Ds's bio mom is great at babying DS and still does slip back into to this day lol.
Girls can be the same way... yours just dont happen to be. NOt all boys are whiners either. Good luck Mom, ya just gotta get past the guilt to help fix this problem and honestly i dont think this is a huge problem... THe screaming about Life isnt fair and everyone hates me.. is to me because it disrupts the whole family, but the crying and whining.. not that big a deal, just send his hiney to his room till he can calm down and if he screams and bothers the rest of the family then implement consequences. I would also praise him and pass out a treat or two when you can tell he is working hard to control himself!

 

[Kath2003]

va32h - sounds like you're doing the only thing you can do - ignoring the crying when it's attention seeking rather than emotional/distress.

I guess your next option is to punish him for crying/whining by removing toys etc. one at a time.

 

[Nicolepa]

Basically, I have spoiled and indulged him for six years, always finding some excuse for why he needed it, but in this past year, his life is finally "normal" so I've quit doing that.

You have allowed this behavior for 6 years. You can't change it in a day (or even a week or month). The key is going to be to have a plan, whatever it may be, and to be consistent. Every time you are inconsisitent you are teaching him that eventually you will cave and essentially you are going to have to start from square one again.

I babied my son for 4 years. He had speech delays and hearing problems and I felt a lot of his behavior was due to not being able to communicate well (and it was). Last year he got tubes and started speech therapy. Once his speech was closer to age level I got firm with him. It took many, many months but 10 months later he's finally getting w/the program. He still cries at the drop of a hat, but it's truely when he's upset or hurt about something, not just because he's not the master of the domain. I'd say all in all it took him about 6 months.

 

[Aidensmom]

My 5 year old son sometimes does the crying or whining thing too when he doesn't get what he wants. I tried ignoring him, I tried telling him I can't understand when he's whining, I've tried telling him he has to cry in his room. While all of those things did works some of the time, they didn't always work. This may sound stupid, but I started crying/whining back and that seems to work best. To use one of your examples, our conversation would go like this:

DS: "Can I go play at (friend's) house?"
Me: "Not now (it's too dark, they aren't home, we have to go someplace).
DS: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Me: "WAAAAAAH! No one ever lets me do what I want. WAAAAAH!"

At that point he either starts laughing, or just gets quiet. On the occasion he tries to argue more with "You are so mean, you hate me!", etc, I answer back with "Yes, I am the meanest mom in the whole world and everything I do is just to make you miserable." That has never failed in having him respond back (yet) with "You're not mean, I'm sorry."

 

[Imzadi]

I really have spoiled him. His father was essentially gone for the first two years of his life (military) and then I started working outside the home, and put him in daycare which I felt insanely guilty about, so I spoiled him to make up for it, and after a couple years of that, had another baby so I left work again, but by that time his father was heading off on another military assignment and gone for another year....

Basically, I have spoiled and indulged him for six years, always finding some excuse for why he needed it, but in this past year, his life is finally "normal" so I've quit doing that.

So maybe it's unfair of me to expect him to get with the new program so quickly. He has always been sensitive - using a pacifier till he was 2 1/2 and carrying his special blankie till he was 4 (he still has it in his underwear drawer). Now he has a special stuffed animal that he must sleep with.

While certain past events may have contributed to DS having security/abandonment/sensitivity issues in the past, (not blaming, ) what he now has is an emotional habititual pattern. Sometimes, he goes to it because it soothes & comforts him, other times, he's learned it has been quite effective in getting what he wants, and other times, he hasn't learned YET other ways to respond.

Most of us have emotional habitual patterns: one or two emotions we go to first, the easiest & is the most comfortable to be in. It may not be the most productive or effective one to be in, but it's an unconscious habit. For example, you probably know some people who get angry at the drop of a hat. Others may be drama queens & love emotional chaos.

Others have given great suggestions: use the technique of "Interrupting the Pattern." As soon as he gets into it, others have suggested tickling, asking what hurts & then making more or less out of the situation to show him his reponse is inappropriate. Make him aware of his own responses and actively give him other choices of how to respond & cope. He has to learn to deal with disappointment, fear and not getting his own way. Generally YOU must not react in your habitual way to his reactions - so that HE has to now respond differently.

If you go the firm, tough love route of punishing him when he gets angry & acts up after being sent to his room, know that it WILL get worse before it gets better. change will not happen overnight. He will be testing your limits. he will be furious because he's been able to get away with it for so long. He doesn't want to lose that.

If you cave or are inconsistant, he will learn that it just takes X amount of time before you cave & he's back in charge. When he finally realizes you aren't backing down, he will change in response. Which is the way it should be.

 

[Disney Doll]

We had dinner with my parents for Father's Day yesterday. To avoid crowds we ate early so that meant the kids were hungry again before bed. DS started whimpering and following me around. I knew he was hungry but I can not stand when he acts like that. He never actually said the words I'M HUNGRY or CAN I HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT? he just followed me around moaning and whimpering. I calmly said "DS, do you need something?" he said no. I say "is there something you need to ask me?" he whimpers more. Seriously whimpers. I tell him "When you are ready to ask me using words, I'm ready to listen and help but not with you carrying on like that." I didn't say it in a harsh tone at all, just mater of factly. He said OK but continued with the whimering for almost 40 minutes before he asked for something to eat. His 5 year old brother had already asked for something and finished eating it and DS 7 just continued to whimper and carry on.

This would drive me insane.

 

[Disney Doll]

While certain past events may have contributed to DS having security/abandonment/sensitivity issues in the past, (not blaming, ) what he now has is an emotional habititual pattern. Sometimes, he goes to it because it soothes & comforts him, other times, he's learned it has been quite effective in getting what he wants, and other times, he hasn't learned YET other ways to respond.

Most of us have emotional habitual patterns: one or two emotions we go to first, the easiest & is the most comfortable to be in. It may not be the most productive or effective one to be in, but it's an unconscious habit. For example, you probably know some people who get angry at the drop of a hat. Others may be drama queens & love emotional chaos.

Others have given great suggestions: use the technique of "Interrupting the Pattern." As soon as he gets into it, others have suggested tickling, asking what hurts & then making more or less out of the situation to show him his reponse is inappropriate. Make him aware of his own responses and actively give him other choices of how to respond & cope. He has to learn to deal with disappointment, fear and not getting his own way. Generally YOU must not react in your habitual way to his reactions - so that HE has to now respond differently.

If you go the firm, tough love route of punishing him when he gets angry & acts up after being sent to his room, know that it WILL get worse before it gets better. change will not happen overnight. He will be testing your limits. he will be furious because he's been able to get away with it for so long. He doesn't want to lose that.

If you cave or are inconsistant, he will learn that it just takes X amount of time before you cave & he's back in charge. When he finally realizes you aren't backing down, he will change in response. Which is the way it should be.

This is very wise advice.

 

[nuke]

There is definately a difference between being sensitive and using tears to get your way.
My son went through a phase of trying to use tears and carrying on. What I did was after he stopped having a fit one time I sat him down and told him that I wasn't going to listen to him acting like a 2 year old everytime I told him no. If he wanted to act that way then he will be treated that way and 2 year olds don't have gameboys, or game cube, or books to read, or computer games. He figured out pretty quick that I meant business and that stopped.

Now when he's upset about something I don't have a problem with tears. He used to cry whenever we left someplace my parents, my brothers, our friends house etc. But it was because he was sad. Thankfully he out grew that.

 

[disneymom3]

You described my 6 year old to perfection. He is EXACTLY the same way. Drives me bonkers too. Right now he is crying and doing the 'it's not fair' because we need to leave house for a few minutes and he doesn't want to go.

I have no solution.

I feel so much better after reading this thread. It really sounds like this is a 6/7 yo boy THING. My DS just turned 7 and he is barely barely starting to get better about this. Lucky me, the next one turns 6 in Nov. Two years in a row of the same behaviours gets really really old!!

 

[Kath2003]

This would drive me insane.

Ah yes, but better a few weeks of insanity than a lifetime of whiny child!

 

[Momto3Disneyprinces]

Something you may want to consider, is this an issue in school, and if so, has the school looked into testing for developmental issues. I ask because my 8 yr old is like this and has been since he was little....We just thought he was being a "crybaby"......He actually was diagnosed last year with Aspberger's. One of the criteria for this syndrome is that they cannot regulate their emotional responses. So they "overreact" in most situations, or do not react at all. They also have trouble with social situations (partially because of their reactions), and because they have a difficult time reading other people. He has been receiving social skills help,and has greatly improved. He is becoming more "flexible" (this was a biggie for him!!) and has started initiating play with other kids, and has finally been able to form a couple of solid friendships. But it is a long road. Again, no saying this is what is going on with your child, but you may want to look into it.