Kids, Toys & Self Esteem...

[ekball]

Hi all,

I don't know how to phrase this really, but I'm just wondering what other parents think about this, or IF you ever think about this....

DD (4) is a girly girl. A REAL girly girl. Loves all things Princess. Anything pink, sparkly, ruffly, etc. She and little brother (2) love to play pretend where she is usually Tinkerbell, Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty (DS is the corresponding Prince of course....or "Steven" when DD is Tink ). Being the big Disney fan I am I have never limited the whole Princess thing with her (toys that is, or dresses, dolls, tiaras, etc.) - I'm all for role playing, pretend play, anything that fosters creativity and uses the imagination. Great! And who doesn't love those fairy tales?! There are great storylines and positive messages to them, along with the happy ending.

Well, recently I've noticed something that is concerning to me. There has been a lot of talk about being pretty, or NOT being pretty, or not being as pretty as (fill in the blank), or not wearing a pretty outfit, etc. And I'm trying not to overreact about it (hard, as it's in my nature to do so), but it's definitely sending up some red flags. We are very careful about the messages that we give our kids (I think. At least we really try to to be). I most definitely do not focus on looks with them, clothes, etc. We love to praise our children for their talents, creativity, behaviors, kindness, etc. It's not about being "pretty" in our house. I am very careful not to talk negatively about my weight or looks in front of my daughter, and try very hard to focus on things that we value like work ethic, positive behaviors, kindness, friendship, etc.

I'm sure she is getting messages from her little friends and other influences. But I can't help but wonder if all of this Princess stuff is contributing the the "pretty" issues. Am I being silly? Or do any of you ever wonder if some of these toys, books, movies, etc. aren't sending the most positive messages???!!!

Would love to hear some opinions on this.

And sorry for the rambling novel.

 

[missEm]

Well, I'm no expert, because my DD is only 6 months old, but I think the whole princess thing does play a part in the "pretty contest." After all, how many princesses do you know that are ugly? Even Finoa (Shrek) is cute in an ogre-ish way. I think one of the big issues about the princess obsession is that being the *princess* is largely about the looks--the dress, the crown, the shoes...Being a princess just carries a lot of baggage, both obvious and between the lines. I'm sure many people will disagree with me on this, but IMO, it sounds like your DD is starting to "read between the lines" in regards to her interest in princesses. Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting all the blame on Disney princess flicks, because there is a LOT of pressure about appearence in all media, and I'm betting your DD is picking up on that too. I know some people who ban all princess stuff at their houses because they fear this exact thing. I don't have any brilliant advice...maybe it's time to introduce some real life women heros who she can pretend play? Next time you're at the library, check out a book called "The Paperbag Princess." It's a funny picture book about a princess who solves her own problems, outsmarts the dragon, and ditches the prince .
Emily

 

[susykt4]

DD7 is also a girly girl. She was VERY into Disney princesses at age 4 and would wear tiaras and princess dresses to family events. My family found this HILARIOUS because I was always such a tomboy it was funny my daughter was so different. I never discouraged her princess play, but also never focused on looks, real (non princess dress up) clothes, hair, etc.

I have been disturbed by some comments she has made about how her hair is so much more beatiful than so-and-so's or how her dress is prettier than her teacher's ugly dress. I do attribute some of this to the princess mindset, BUT- I think it mostly comes from being around bunches of other girls at school.

I'll continue to try to downplay the importance of princessy beauty and hope that by adulthood my influence will outweigh that of her peers.

 

[ekball]

Thanks for your honest and open replies. Emily - we have The Paperbag Princess (2 in fact!) and DD loves that book. I frequently pull it out and DD and I talk about mean Prince Ronald Great book!

I have to say that I'm a little surprised that there aren't more responses, just because I know there are a LOT of Disers out there with little Princesses and Princess-obsessed girls. I see them all over the parks when we are there!! (And lets not forget at the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique )

I know there are SO many influences that could contribute to the "pretty" issues we are starting to see, not just the Princess toys, movies, etc. But I think that for now we are going to not buy any more Princess things for DD (she has enough anyway).

 

[crl]

We started to see this too. We made sure to stop buying princess things and encourage playing with other toys such as the kitchen set, train set with her brother, computer games, board games. She still likes to dress up and be beautiful, but now it has it's time and place and is not a big part of our day. That's what happened in our house, hope you can find a solution for your home.

 

[cruizie]

My dd5 (almost 6) was really into princesses for awhile. Now it is all HSM, HM, Polly Pocket, etc. I kind of miss the Princess stage (more about her growing up than about the princess). ANYHOW...

I think it is important to stress smart, creative, etc but there is nothing wrong with being pretty or telling your child they are pretty or handsome. I think it is actually important to also tell them they are pretty! If this is all they care about, then stress the others, obviously. And if a child is telling others that they are not pretty or their outfit is not pretty, then correct the negative behavior - ie "if you can't say something nice, say nothing at all."

I just think self-confidence is about the whole package. And the princess thing is most likely just a phase and she will outgrow it at some point.

 

[K and K's Mommy]

My DD 6 has always been very girlie girl. Well, I see an end in sight, and it makes me sad. She no longer wants the bows in her hair, and the princess stuff is played with less and less. I have never heard her talk about other people's looks or what they are wearing so I guess I have never thought to be concerned. She does love to dress up and look "fancy." She still does not like wearing pants. She loves to design outfits. Someone once told me (and I love to be in jeans or sweats!) that I might just need to embrace this part of my DD's personality. Who knows, maybe she will grow up to be a fashion designer.

IMO, the princess stage will probably pass. If she is talking about what other people look like or what they wear, then you probably need a talk about why differences are so important and the fact that everyone likes different things. My DD can relate to that because she would not want to wear my favorite gray sweats because everything needs to be pink for her! (Although she is starting to wear other colors without complaining!)

Good luck! I also have two boys and definitely think my DD is harder!

 

[StephMK]

DD (now 13) has grown up as you described. Complete girly girl, still loves anything sparkly, pink, makeup, etc. When she was around 5, she started asking when she'd get blond hair like Barbie. She'd also talk about the "pretty" stuff and it was concerning. She wanted an AG doll with blond hair & kind of fixated on that as a standard of beauty. (she has gorgeous thick dark brown hair)

We had discussions about the different ways you can define beauty & Santa brought her an AG w/brown hair like her. She did eventually save up & get herself a blond one when she was 10. But she's a teen now, still girly but also has a great sense of herself & style without being judgmental, if that makes sense.

Some of it may be that's she's really getting to the age that they start noticing others & comparing differences and talking about it more. I worked in a preschool & heard a lot of talk, plus they can start getting catty at that young age. It sounds like you're handling it well. So yes, I think some toys send better messages than others, but they love what they love. DD7 adores everything! brown & animals so enjoy your girly girl, I miss shopping for the cutesy stuff!

 

[cissy]

I was concerned with the whole "prince should save me because I am beautiful" issue when my two girls were born. And that the antagonists are often unattractive. So I began offering up better endings for a lot of the princess stories.

For example, after they saw Barbie Rapunzel, I talked to them about how Rapunzel could have helped herself instead of waiting on the Prince. I suggested she should have chewed her own hair off, tied it to the bed and let herself out of the tower.

For Snow White I suggested that had Snow White listened to the older, wiser dwarves, she would have never let the stranger into the house. Also that we don't eat things strangers give us so the whole apple incident would have been averted.

I explained how Ariel put her whole family in danger by disobeying her father. And there are better ways to handle frustrations than going off and asking bad people for help. That she should have gathered some better info on humans and presented it to her father in a calm manner.

I know all this sounds silly but it works. They understand that princesses aren't always perfect. That they make some poor choices and in real life, a magical godmother isn't going to save them! And I highly stress that girls are powerful creatures and can do so much for themselves. I have often explained to them that husbands and wives should love and respect each other, but boys aren;t the answer to all their problems.

As for the "prettier than sos and so" issue...I have heard this only once from my youngest. I replied to her that "so and so's mother doesn't think so. So and so's mother thinks so and so is prettier than you." They are young, but they got that message loud and clear.

Raising girls in our society is not easy. They are bombarded every day with images and messaged that they are not good enough as they are. We must protect them and teach them that they are worthy. Skinny, fat, blonde, brunette, white, Hispanic, Jewish, whatever. They are unique and wonderful.

There are some great books that I love. One is "Girls Hold Up the World" by Jada Pinkett Smith. There is also a book called "Great Books for Girls" by Kathleen Odean.

I think it is so wonderful that so many of the kids cartoons today feature smart girls. Dragon Tails, Dora, 64 Zoo Lane, etc.

But after all my soapboxing, I also know that the princess thing will pass. It has for my girls. They are thrilled to be going to DW and to meet the princesses, but my DD6 wants to go to CRT as Minnie Mouse!!

Great thread!

 

[lilyv]

I was concerned with the whole "prince should save me because I am beautiful" issue when my two girls were born. And that the antagonists are often unattractive. So I began offering up better endings for a lot of the princess stories.

For example, after they saw Barbie Rapunzel, I talked to them about how Rapunzel could have helped herself instead of waiting on the Prince. I suggested she should have chewed her own hair off, tied it to the bed and let herself out of the tower.

For Snow White I suggested that had Snow White listened to the older, wiser dwarves, she would have never let the stranger into the house. Also that we don't eat things strangers give us so the whole apple incident would have been averted.

I explained how Ariel put her whole family in danger by disobeying her father. And there are better ways to handle frustrations than going off and asking bad people for help. That she should have gathered some better info on humans and presented it to her father in a calm manner.

I know all this sounds silly but it works. They understand that princesses aren't always perfect. That they make some poor choices and in real life, a magical godmother isn't going to save them! And I highly stress that girls are powerful creatures and can do so much for themselves. I have often explained to them that husbands and wives should love and respect each other, but boys aren;t the answer to all their problems.

As for the "prettier than sos and so" issue...I have heard this only once from my youngest. I replied to her that "so and so's mother doesn't think so. So and so's mother thinks so and so is prettier than you." They are young, but they got that message loud and clear.

Raising girls in our society is not easy. They are bombarded every day with images and messaged that they are not good enough as they are. We must protect them and teach them that they are worthy. Skinny, fat, blonde, brunette, white, Hispanic, Jewish, whatever. They are unique and wonderful.

There are some great books that I love. One is "Girls Hold Up the World" by Jada Pinkett Smith. There is also a book called "Great Books for Girls" by Kathleen Odean.

I think it is so wonderful that so many of the kids cartoons today feature smart girls. Dragon Tails, Dora, 64 Zoo Lane, etc.

But after all my soapboxing, I also know that the princess thing will pass. It has for my girls. They are thrilled to be going to DW and to meet the princesses, but my DD6 wants to go to CRT as Minnie Mouse!!

Great thread!

I love your new take on old fairy tales. The alternative story endings allow a child to enjoy the story, while also considering possible options that might be safer, more empowering, or more tolerant of differences.

 

[gower525]

My three year old just told me that she is a princess and princesses don't clean up!!!

 

[bellebuzzntink]

I love your new take on old fairy tales. The alternative story endings allow a child to enjoy the story, while also considering possible options that might be safer, more empowering, or more tolerant of differences.

I love this idea! I'm working on princessy daughter #2 now and it is hard to balance their imagination with the need to teach them to be responsible and independent.
I'm finding with my 10 year old that the peer and media influences are getting harder to fight, especially from her friends who are starting to get interested in boys.... . I just hope that she listens to me, even a little bit!
OP, you sound like you are doing a fine job so far! Keep it up!

 

[MiniGirl]

I have to say that I'm a little surprised that there aren't more responses, just because I know there are a LOT of Disers out there with little Princesses and Princess-obsessed girls. I see them all over the parks when we are there!! (And lets not forget at the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique )

I know there are SO many influences that could contribute to the "pretty" issues we are starting to see, not just the Princess toys, movies, etc. But I think that for now we are going to not buy any more Princess things for DD (she has enough anyway).

I read your first post, and I have 2 girls; but this really hasn't been an issue in our house. My girls are very girly, but they have never really gotten into the Disney princesses. Believe me, I tried. My youngest loves Stitch and Tink and Buzz, but still manages to be girly. She was into Ariel for a short while. My oldest has always been drawn to the more "exotic" princess -- Pocahantus, Jasmine, Meg. Her current fave is Mulan. (I know. Not really a princess.) Also her reason for loving them has never been how they look. She loves Pocahantus because she is kind to animals and nature. She liked how kind Jasmine was to everyone. Now, she admires Mulan because she is so brave. I always encouraged that and we always talked about the princesses in terms of personalities -- not looks.

Anyway, I don't think it is a huge concern. At 4, kids are starting to notice differences in themselves and each other and use those differences to describe themselves. I don't think it is meant as anything more than a description most of the time. It sounds like you are doing a good job of not placing "value" on looks. Also, maybe let her overhear you telling your dh about how special she is because of some kind act she did or how proud you are of her because of something she did -- learned her ABCs, etc.

I'm sure all will be fine.

 

[Sophie_2003]

Very good thread!

My DD is almost 4, and moved from the Wiggles to all things princesses about 6 months ago. We are guilty of feeding the beast. All xmas gifts this year are Disney. We got her ornaments of the princesses, and are giving them to her every few days...call it bribery.

She also has striking red hair and is constantly told she is so pretty etc, so I do try to compliment her drawing, or tidying up, or singing.

In the end it is about how they see you behave that counts more than words. If as mothers, we obsess about hair, clothes, weight, they see it, and will end p being the same.

I saw an Oprah show this week where NBA star Grant Hill said he is very mindful of how he treats his wife so his girls will EXPECT it from any suitors. love that.

So...actions speak louder than our words!

 

[livndisney]

My DD is 6 and loves to dress up. She also likes Buzz, Woody, Cars and HSM. She is always being told how pretty/cute she is. But I have always taught her that it is better to "act pretty than look pretty". She will notice when someone is not "acting pretty". But honestly she doesn't notice when someone does not look "pretty". She just sees the person.