Kids at a wedding ?

[katiec]

Thanks for the replies guys.

Maybe its just me but even after reading so many of you had child free weddings I am still quite hurt and upset by this. My friend has sat many nights with me at the hospital with Cam and I thought she genuily cared for him but Im left feeling maybe not if its too much hassle & expense to have him at her wedding !!

It is her choice and I remember very well the problems with budgeting and trying to keep people happy. However I never once thought of saying to her sorry I dont know your boyf so is it ok if u leave him at home for the night only its costing me £s to feed and water him!!
I also found out today that her nephew will be there and thats because his mom (grooms sis) is a single mom and wont have anyone to mid him !!

I dot want our friedship to suffer but there is no way ill be going to a weddig wihout the kids We come as a package or none of us are going!!

I think you have been put in a difficult position with only 1 child being invited, however i think you are over-reacting a bit to what you might think the reasons behind it are. I apologise if this seems a bit harsh
If she is such a good friend and as you say has spent times with you at the hospital its highly unlikely that she hasnt invited the boys as "its too much hassle and expense".
Not everyone views having other peoples children at their own wedding in the same way, and it may be that she genuinely doesnt want any children at the wedding - not just yours! (she may have been backed into a corner as far as nephew is concerned, but we all know how touchy families get at weddings!)
My DS was 21 when we got married but we had plenty of DH's neices and nephews there. (We had wanted a quiet child-free wedding in New York but that didnt happen!)
However for DH 40th I had a surprise party in an upmarket restaurant on New Years Eve. Only adults were invited but both DH sis and bro said they wouldnt come without their children as they all liked to celebrate NYE with their children - SIL children were 4 and 9 and BIL has 5 kids between 17 and 5!!!
This caused much upset amongst the family but I was determined that I didnt want ANY kids there, that I didnt want MIL to have to spend the evening looking after the grandkids and seeing as I was paying £60 a head for all the guests I wasnt prepared to give in!
She didnt come and I, for one, didnt miss her bit*hing and sniping throughout! And no-one missed 7 kids running amok as niether set of parents looks after them properly - IMHO.
We had other friends with younger children who left them at home (and who normally wouldnt) and really enjoyed their child free night.

Please dont let this come between a friendship.
When you are planning a wedding the biggest headache is always caused by who to invite - she has to keep EVERYONE happy as well as herself, which can be very difficult!

Best wishes

 

[PoppyAnna]

Don't know where to start! I can't understand your DD being asked to be a flower girl but her brothers not being allowed to attend such a memorable occasion for her . When they get older will they ask where they were on the day when they don't feature in the photographs.

I'm guessing as a child free wedding that maybe it's a non traditional intimate ceremony maybe in the evening in the same venue as the reception?!?!?!
Surely, the whole point of a wedding is that our friends and family witness and are involved in the happy union that usually results in the start of a new family. How do children learn about their families, culture, lifestyle and how to behave at such occasions if they are excluded?? Other European countries wouldn't dream of excluding children from such a family event. Sadly, many British parents are almost embarrassed by their children, rolling their eyes and "tutting" when they talk (moan) about them. It takes a whole family to raise children, not just their parents. I hardly have any family (just my Mum) so I find this attitude very offensive - some people don't realise how luck they are to have family and close friends.

Louise- I totally understand your thinking and I agree with you that if my kids aren't asked then I won't be going. We are a family and that means we come as a package, I think that all of my friends are aware of this though. We also missed my cousins wedding in Septemeber because of this - the other thing is getting a babysitter who is willing to have them both over night - IMO it's all more hassle than it's actually worth!

Yep, "if you don't want them then you don't get us" is the rule in our house for such events.

i only got married 5 months ago and you have got to have the kids there, no ifs or buts.
They made the day special for us.

les & bev

I don't think it means that she doesn't care about your children. If she is a close friend of yours, I highly doubt that is true. It might be the case that there are some troublesome children on her partner's side and it's just easier to have no children there at all.

As for the children who are part of the wedding being there, I actually think that's ok. It's not like she's deliberately leaving the other children out in a malicious way.

It's her wedding and her decision at the end of the day. I don't think it's worth losing a friend over.

I think money is probably only part of her reason. She has probably heard and seen horror stories of children running riot at weddings and wants her wedding to be about her the bride.

I'm sure she cares deeply about you and your children, but that also doesn't mean she wants them at her wedding, they are 2 seperate things. We only had our parents at our wedding, but that doesn't mean we don't love the other members of our family or our friends.

If you don't want to go without the boys that's fine though and she'll have to understand that therefore Keira can't be flowergirl. But would the boys care about not going if you can find someone to babysit as i'm sure Keira would love dressing up in a pretty dress.

I think both of these points are sadly true. It's more important to this "Bride" to have everything just so, she has offended her friend, but thats okay because it's her wedding day!! Most weddings these days seem to be arranged years in advance in such an obsessive way, doing everything as the magazines say they should be done that no risks can be taken to "ruin" one second of the brides precious day. How sad. Soon we'll have weddings by "Next", I'm sure.

Makes me wonder what these women do when it's all over

 

[Tinks1984]

Wow, I don't think I could imagine going to a wedding without children there. I for one would be mortified if my friends thought they had to leave their kids at home, but that's just at my wedding.

As others have said, whenever I have kids, we'll come as a package. So if one is going, all would have to go. I'd never want them to miss out on things that I think would make them better people in the long run. I think it would help them understand how to behave when it that kind of atmosphere and also interact with other children

I love nothing more than seeing the kids on the dance-floor at a wedding, they make the day for me. I cannot wait to have them all at my wedding reception one day, I'll be beaming from ear to ear watching them all have fun

There may not be many at my actual wedding, as we're hoping for it to be over in Florida, but there will be children at my reception at home, that's for sure!

Louise, my opinion, I'd be apologising to my friend and saying I wouldn't be there if it were me. I do hope you get something sorted though, one way or another

 

[izzie-wizzie]

No children at weddings is definately a topic where people can have very different (and sometimes strong) views and understandings.

I think any decision ever made is never going to make everybody happy, and I am sure that your friend did not make her decision to hurt you at all. Perhaps she just does not realise that this decision would affect and offend you - sometimes the most obvious thing to one person, does not even cross the mind of the other! Especially with all the stress of planning a wedding, it can make even the most thoughtful person get carried away with a case of tunnel vision for sure and not see the bigger picture.

I'd suggest talking to her about it in a relaxed type way to see where she is coming from with the whole thing, calmly let her know your point of view. You may not agree on where each other are coming from, however after talking it through and understanding things better then hopefully you will be able to see and appreciate where each other is coming from. Perhaps suggest things like Childminders / Childrens Entertainers who come to weddings - its really popular, but maybe she's never even heard of or considered such a thing!!

Either way, I wish that your friendship does not suffer, many a friendship has been ruined due to misunderstandings

 

[Zeebs]

I have no problem with child free weddings, as long as people understand that we may not be able to attend. We will try our hardest to go but we don't have family around so we need to sort something out.

We actually have one coming up in London it is a bit of a hassle but to be fair, my kids are to little to sit through a service and respect that they need to be quiet for it. They are also too little to be at the reception to all hours, I would rather make arrangements and enjoy my evening without stressing that kids are tired and playing up.

It isn't my wedding, I got to have what I wanted at my wedding I think other people should be afforded the same, whether that includes children or not.

Kirsten

 

[alisonbestford]

I can understand people wanting child free weddings - as some one said earlier in the thread the money excuse is possibly a tactful way of not inviting some more troublesome family/friend kids

At the same time I have to agree that I wouldn't be happy with Keira being flower girl and the boys not being there.........................

Hope it can all work out amicably

 

[wayneg]

How behind times am I? never heard of a child free wedding.
I guess we are all different, to us children are our life & our future, more important than anything. We didn't go in a child free restaurant til Matt was 15 and that was only for brunch for 1 hour, wouldn't do it for evening meal even now he is 16. We are a package, no way would I attend a wedding if he wasn't invited and that would be same for a friend or relative.
I am not impressed the new Disney Dream does not have a family bar open after 11pm(Wonder & Magic both have Promenade Lounge til midnight)
My Brother is totally opposite and could live a child free life
We all have right to our own opinions on children just very difficult at occasions like weddings when opinions clash.

 

[jen_uk]

My wedding was child free, I know that some people were a bit put out at it but having been to weddings where kids run riot I didn't want that at mine.

 

[Chilly]

Its a very interesting debate. I've noticed that a few people have mentioned that the family comes as a package, and although I agree with that to a certain extent I also think children and adults are different and like different things. Children have kids parties which adults don't go to and vice versa. If the wedding is going to be mainly adults then it might be very boring for them to go to. A wedding with a lot of children would have a totally different feel to it and the kids would probably enjoy it a lot more. Each wedding and situation is different so no answer will ever be right.

 

[wayneg]

Its a very interesting debate. I've noticed that a few people have mentioned that the family comes as a package, and although I agree with that to a certain extent I also think children and adults are different and like different things. Children have kids parties which adults don't go to and vice versa.

Personally I would not object to a friend or family member holding a party for adults only but my idea of a wedding is for the family not adults only but I would not fall out about it, they have the right to say no children I would just not go myself.

 

[joolz1910]

We have missed out on weddings and parties in the past because it was apparent that the children were not invited and an overnight stay was needed. I don't object, but I don't go either.

I was at a 50th birthday party last weekend and took the kids - it just meant that I was looking after them during the evening, not drinking, and had to leave early to get the youngest two to bed.

A no-win situation really.

 

[higgy66]

The most imporatant thing in the world are family and friends. I had 13 children at my wedding with a few more invited but as they were very young the parents actually decided not to fetch them of their own accord so they could enjoy the day.

Yes there was some running around but never during the "serious" parts and to be honest we still laugh at some of the things said by the children who are all grown up now (ouch!)


If I was invited to a child free wedding by a friend and I could get a babysitter then I would consider going. If it was family wedding and the kids couldn't go then I definitely couldn't attend as all my babysitters would be at the wedding!

 

[orlandothebeagle]

I see both sides, personally if I could get away with it I wouldnt have kids at partys but weddings are differant (kids should be there imho) but then folk moan about it so I have them, at the end of the day its there wedding ..suck it up and go or save yourself a present and dont go,

 

[kavintenison]

I don't think so why are you reacted so much for this option. If you don't want to go without your child then you never go there. Actually, I have only attended child free marriages and after reading your post, I never shocked.

 

[scojos]

firstly, if she is a friend then she d understand you couldnt go due to your boys
2ndly ill babysit if you like
i wouldnt go if it were me, grace was invited to a family thing (not a wedding) and the boys wernt, deff a photo shoot thing (yes she was quite cute before she learnt to talk) we didnt go.
dh s boss got married last year, child free, he went without me, i wasnt bothered
but i do agree that it is her day, and whether i agree or not, i would respect the brides choice, enough people stuc their nose in to my wedding day
xxxx

 

[Disneymadhouse]

it's like your friend is picking and choosing which of your kids she likes! I can fully understand your reaction and I would be the same. If my DD doesn't go then neither do I! And as for your friend wanting your DD as a flower girl and then allowing another child.... well double standards! It has to be all / any kids or none at all. IMO.

We had loads of kids at our wedding and they really helped make the day ( i am a nursery nurse so maybe my idea is a little skewed!)

Claire

 

[MazdaUK]

The only kids we had at our wedding were our bridesmaid (7) and her big brother (11), plus a couple in the evening. But that was only because we didn't know anyone with kids yet Last wedding we went to everyone's kids were invited, and the bride arranged for colouring books and pens on every table with kids, plus bubbles and goody bags, and had lots of kid-friendly things on the buffet. The one before that was kid-free and I specially got younger DS onto the bottle so I could go without leaking

There's pros and cons for both, but as others have said she may know some really realy horrible children she'sll have to invite (no matter how small your family there will always be someone - adult or child - to cause tensions. I know from experience!) It is the bride's day, but if she wan't your DD as an accessory to it she needs to have the others too - and she can use your DD as an excuse for not having the others if she likes (I've got to have these 3 as one is my flower girl but I'm not having others and no special arrangements), depends how much she really wants your DD - and you.