Just Curious, Who Comes First, Spouse or Kids?

[2sweetangels]

My children come first as they are only 2 years old and 8 months old, they are only babies still who rely on me to take care if them right now. Now don't get me wrong, when my kids are in bed for the night, that is my husbands time with me, but during the day, I tend to my kids needs befre my husbands.

 

[DawnCt1]

You can't have a healthy home for your kids unless your spouse comes first, IMO.

I agree with that, in most cases. The exceptions? Second marriages with step parents. I think that it is terribly sad when the children from a first marriage get shoved aside. I think that men and women with children need to think long and hard before they dissolve one marriage and jump into another. In those cases, the children's best interest needs to come first. They didn't ask for their families to be ripped apart. The other exception? When one spouse is so selfish that it boarders on narcissism. I have a friend who has recently filed for divorce. All arrows point to HIM. He hasn't put his spouse first...ever, nor his children. Their mom does however. So I think when both parents aren't on the same page, one has to put the children first to make up for the deficiencies of the other parent.

 

[momrek06]

BOTH DH & I put our SONS ahead of each other. YUP we do!

We (DH & I) love each other to death BUT since I gave birth to those two boys they are our entire world.

DH & I are very secure with each other that if one has to give more attention to a son then each other there is never a problem with that at all.

AT THE END OF EACH DAY, it is DH & I together BUT all day long it is the sons FIRST!!!

I wonder when the boys leave for good, will we still think of them as more important than each other....Hhmmm....

 

[jodifla]

I put my relationship with my spouse first. My DS depends on the relationship, so by nurturing that, I'm doing the best thing for him.


I watched too many of my friends get divorced by totally tending to their kids, and putting their marriage on the back burner.

 

[Keli]

Definitely my relationship with dh has priority over my relationship with my dd. I always knew that my dh felt the same even when our dd was young.

But that isn't to say that we didn't put our dd's needs before our own. Of course we did, frequently, because that was what was required of us as good parents. But it wasn't me putting dd ahead of dh or dh putting dd ahead of me, it was us putting dd ahead of us. Always tried to maintain a united front.

 

[jonestavern]

A child is a child for the rest of your life,
A spouse is a spouse 'til he tags a new wife!

-jkg

In the families I know that seem to have solid foundations, both partners put one another first & foremost.
Definitely not in a self-centered way, that's a whole different slag heap!
I'm speaking of a concerned, loving way filled with respect. Children grow to respect that relationship & learn boundaries.

Most relationships aren't that well-balanced, & perhaps it's better that one, or both, parents focus on the kids. It can be accomplished without smothering. Different environments work for different situations, most of us can't obtain golden relationships, but we can work toward it & meanwhile do the best with what we have now.

Jean

 

[Fionasmommy]

Child first, definitely.

 

[disykat]

Spouse first. I think Keli said it well - there are times (like all the time!) when the kids take more of your focus, but that doesn't mean you're putting them first.

If you go by where I spend my time or energy, you'd say I put my kids first. However, my relationship with my husband is at the center of it all. We make our parenting choices together. My relationship with my husband enables me to be a better mom. I would never have that kind of "supportive" relationship with my children. It's a totally different relationship.

My husband doesn't need a caregiver, he needs a partner. My kids need a caregiver - and that takes more of my time. It doesn't give my relationship with them priority over that with my husband. I would think it would make for a very strange family dynamic if the kids thought the household centered around them.

 

[kaylajr]

Just last night my DD (12) asked DH and I

If there was a fire or some other disaster and you could only save either the kids or your spouse ( she said or mom or dad)
who would you save
without hesitation and at the same time we said
"You Kids"

We love each other and would do almost anything for one another but NOT at the expense of the kids

That said however yes there are times that we might put our wants over what the kids want But there NEEDS always come first
and we are in total agreement over that

 

[luckywife]

I voted that my relationship with my spouse comes first even though I wouldn't really put it in those words. I don't think one actually supercedes the other , but I do know that my husband and I are the center of the family wheel and the best thing we can do for our kids is show them a good, loving
unified marriage. Our strong relationship is thier safety net.

This is exactly how my DH and I both feel.

 

[momrek06]

Just last night my DD (12) asked DH and I

If there was a fire or some other disaster and you could only save either the kids or your spouse ( she said or mom or dad)
who would you save
without hesitation and at the same time we said
"You Kids"

We love each other and would do almost anything for one another but NOT at the expense of the kids

That said however yes there are times that we might put our wants over what the kids want But there NEEDS always come first
and we are in total agreement over that

YUP, A B S O L U T E L Y!!!!

 

[disykat]

Saving your child first has nothing to do with whether they are "first" IMO. I'd venture that everyone here would save their kids first and that their spouse would be doing the same thing. That's what parents do. Putting your spouse first does not imply you become their caregiver nor that you stop taking care of your children.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I can't answer the poll question without understanding if we are talking about a healthy, stable family or not.

In a stable family, I would say that the primary relationship is the couple. The couple should make sure that their marriage is stable and happy. I don't know that I would call that putting your spouse "first", but if that's what it's called, then yes, the spouse should be first, because a happy marriage means a happier family. And the marriage will hopefully last long after the kids are out of the nest.

Physically the kids take a lot of energy. So they of course take a lot of care, but I don't know that that's the same thing as putting them "first".

I guess I don't really like the term, "putting someone first". Marriage and parenting are joint, cooperative efforts.

If ever there was a situation when I was concerned about the welfare of my children, that's a different situation and I would most certainly put their care over my relationship with any other person, whether that person was their father, grandparent, etc.