Just because they have a lot of money....................

[swanmom]

doesn't mean I have to go broke? Does it? My DD has been invited to 11 Bar/Bat Mitzvah's so far this school year. We live in a somewhat divided area - on one side of town the families have 'beaucoup bucks' and on the other are families who live comfortably but are not extraordinarily wealthy. (Guess which side we live on.) Soooo, some families can afford to throw the 'event of the century' for their kids - black tie, country clubs, live bands, full sit-down dinners, a troupe of 'motivational' dancers, karioke contests, photo booths etc, etc. But, instead of whining, I'll try to ask a legitimate question. Do you adjust your gift budget to the cost of the event? Do I have to give more to the families who throw the bigger affairs? I don't want to 'cheap out' on her friends families (or have her be embarrassed by her gift) but we're about to hit the budget wall. Does she have to turn down invitations to friends events (that she really wants to go to) because we are having trouble affording an 'appropriate' amount for the gift? Or should I just give what we can regardless of the families party budget? YIKES! (And yes, I AM venting.... a little!)

 

[disneysteve]

Do you adjust your gift budget to the cost of the event?

Absolutely not!!!

The gift should be based on how close you are to the person involved and how much you can comfortably afford to give. How much the family has chosen to spend on the event has absolutely nothing to do with how much you need to give as a gift.

 

[SC Minnie]

Give only what you can afford and if you can't 'afford' for her to go to all 11 then she will have to make decisions on which she would like to attend the most.

I don't think you need to do without food just to save face but giving more than you can afford at all of these events.

Your daughter is growing up and this is a lesson to be learned. Sometimes you can't do everything because of budget or something else.

 

[punkin]

Speaking from experience. My DD had the bar/bat mitzva year last year. I gave a $38 check for each gift. If you can't afford that, $18 is perfectly acceptable.

It's different for relatives. For my own nephew (this was a while ago) I gave $300 (3 of us went). However, the children invited without parents and who are not related or even close to the child (I know some people invite the entire grade) are not expected to give huge gifts. Don't worry.

 

[disneysteve]

Besides, unless I'm particularly close to the family, we usually don't know how fancy or plain an affair is until we get there at which point it would be too late to decide how much to give.

And don't forget, there is no law saying gifts need to be cash/check. There is nothing wrong with giving a "thing" which can help the budget if you can find appropriate items at a nice discount. For weddings, for example, we often check the bridal registry and then hit the outlet stores to find something well below regular price. Bar/Bat Mitzvahs are a little tougher, but you get the idea. Instead of giving a check for $25, you might be able to find a nice gift that is worth $25 but that you pick up somewhere for $20 or $18 thus saving you a few dollars each time.

 

[disneysteve]

I gave a $38 check for each gift.

Was that supposed to be $36? If not, what's the significance of the $38.

 

[punkin]

Was that supposed to be $36? If not, what's the significance of the $38.

The significance is that I can't type. $36 is correct.

 

[Hannathy]

Actually I think the amount if anything should be adjusted based on the closeness of your child to the other child. I know we usually spend a bit more onmy DD's bestfriend of 12 yrs than a casual friend from school. I don't know the "rules" of Bat/Bar Mitzvah's but what about a more meaningful but less expensive gift like a book of prayers or poems that your child could put the occasion and date in and give to each child-all same so no comparing and still meaningful and less expensive for you $15-20 can get a nice book especially if you order on line. And if it is a closer friend or the family is invited you could give this and then add to the gift like money. Enjoy this time in their lives at least they only do this once!

 

[Maleficent13]

Well, even with the correction from $38 to $36, I still don't understand the significance! Can someone let me know? Thanks!

To the OP: I don't know what advice to give...I think I would probably give what I can afford and try not to stress too much.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Well, even with the correction from $38 to $36, I still don't understand the significance! Can someone let me know? Thanks!

To the OP: I don't know what advice to give...I think I would probably give what I can afford and try not to stress too much.

18 is chai, that is good luck. So when you give 36 it is double chai.

 

[punkin]

18 is chai, that is good luck. So when you give 36 it is double chai.

In Hebrew, each letter has a numerical equivalent. 18 spells Chai ( which means "life") so by giving multiples of "life" you are wishing the recipient a long, healthy, and happy life.

 

[Maleficent13]

Thank you so much!! I love learning something new!

 

[JoiseyMom]

Besides, unless I'm particularly close to the family, we usually don't know how fancy or plain an affair is until we get there at which point it would be too late to decide how much to give.

I have a friend, that shocked the heck out of me. Another friend pointed out at my wedding, that she and her husband wrote the check out at the table after some discussion. She also did the same thing at both my son's bar mitvah's, and I saw her do it at another friend's son's bar mitzvah. I do like you do, I write the check out before I get there. I know ahead of time how much I am giving, I don't do it based on the party. But heck...to each his own!

 

[punkin]

I have a friend, that shocked the heck out of me. Another friend pointed out at my wedding, that she and her husband wrote the check out at the table after some discussion. She also did the same thing at both my son's bar mitvah's, and I saw her do it at another friend's son's bar mitzvah. I do like you do, I write the check out before I get there. I know ahead of time how much I am giving, I don't do it based on the party. But heck...to each his own!

I sometimes wright the check at the party because I am always running late and forget to do it in advance, but I always know the amount in advance because that depends on my budget and how close I am to you. How much you spent on your party has no bearing whatsoever. That's just weird.

 

[frndshpcptn]

I agree so far - in my bat mitzvah year (years and years and years ago now) we had one almost every weekend. It can get expensive. Most of us gave $36, or split a gift (such as jewlery, etc) with a friend (if we were closer to that person).

 

[figment52]

maybe something with sentimental value - homemade - could be given. Time is money after all.

 

[Disney Doll]

Give what you feel comfortable giving. I do like the "chai" & "double chai" thing.