Just a quick vent....

[JUJU814]

I don't believe you are sorry. A Maybe-Baby?!?!?!? So incredibly offensive. Spoken like someone who never had a miscarriage. Save your spew for something you know something about. The woman said she was hurting and you are piling it on.

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What she said. Very hurtful, offensive, and cruel considering the spirit of the poor OPs post.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

Just because someone feels differently does't make them terrible! Maybe the reason the op's family hasn't reacted the way she wants is because they feel the same. DS went through ten years of fertility issues before she had a pregnancy stick. She does't mourn those dates. She is far too busy celebrating the child that is.

 

[JUJU814]

You can feel differently and still be sensitive to a person's feelings. It's a sensitive issue...and many women DO mourn their losses, which is a very natural, human emotion. If you feel differently than what the person is hurting about, it's kind of nice to keep it to yourself and not deepen the person's hurt by sticking a knife in their wound.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

But I think those that posted were attemting to say why others may not be responding as the op wants. Sometimes in life you have to let people know where you are and communicate. You can't expect people to read you. Especially husbands. My husband deals with the loss of our child differently than I do. That doesn't make either of us bad or insensitive.

And calling others self-centered negates where they are in their world.

 

[PEANUT1]

I'm sorry for your loss. It must be very difficult to want something so badly and not have it.

I loss a a baby at 7 weeks and I was surprised at how hard it was. I think it was because we had planned, prepared to get pregnant and were so excited that we were. I got pregnant 3 months later and the joy of that really got me through it. I have 2 beautiful girls now..though from time to time, I wonder what would have been, but if my baby had lived, my Abby would not be here now. I hope you find your peace and joy with another baby. Good luck to you.

 

[disneygoof]

But I think those that posted were attemting to say why others may not be responding as the op wants...And calling others self-centered negates where they are in their world.

I think some that responded, like you, were trying to rationalize why others were not responding as the OP hoped. Very nice of you and them.

Not so for mjkacmom.

Further, people can be narcissistic, and if it's a fact, it doesn't negate where they are in the world, it just is. The people I was referring to are like the friend who didn't call me while I was in the hospital for a week trying to hold on to a baby that I ultimately lost, or even after I got home to acknowledge that loss. When I confronted her with my hurt, she said "It's hard for me too, you know." Ummmm, how?

Or my MIL who makes a big deal out of said holiday and reminds me every year that it's so and so's wedding anniversary, which I painfully remember, of course, because I went to the wedding the day after I got out of the hospital.

And it doesn't matter how far along I was, or if I was having infertility issues. A loss is a loss, and WDWORBUST posted "a quick vent" to say people in her life were hurting her feelings, and posters piled it on, suggesting that her feelings were not valid, and especially by suggesting that the baby, HER BABY, didn't count.

JMTC

 

[mjkacmom]

I don't believe you are sorry. A Maybe-Baby?!?!?!? So incredibly offensive. Spoken like someone who never had a miscarriage. Save your spew for something you know something about. The woman said she was hurting and you are piling it on.
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I just happen to be a realist, and know that in the first trimester, there is a good chance of having a m/c, especially during the first few weeks. Therefore, I always mentally prepared myself for it. I didn't even consider myself pregnant until after the first u/s at 8 weeks, until I saw a heartbeat. That's me - I know people who tell the world and start preparing the nursery.

I realize the OP has different feelings, as do many other people who have early m/c's. I also know women who had early m/c's, and soon forgot about it after getting pregnant again soon. My point is she shouldn't feel bad that others don't remember her due date. They're still her family and friends, still love her very much.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I see your point. I just think that some people are uncomfortable with grief. I know that many people did not know how to respond and behave aroind me when my son passed. Over time I've learned that this is their issue and has nothing to do with me or my son.
I'm sorry your friend let you down. There were people who avoided us while we were in the hospital. And you've not heard insensitive until your 8 year old high maintenance special needs child passes.

I've decided that most people do not mean harm. And I grant them the gr
ace that I hope others will grant me when I screw up.

Did you and your friend work things out?

 

[disneygoof]

I just happen to be a realist, and know that in the first trimester, there is a good chance of having a m/c, especially during the first few weeks. Therefore, I always mentally prepared myself for it. I didn't even consider myself pregnant until after the first u/s at 8 weeks, until I saw a heartbeat. That's me - I know people who tell the world and start preparing the nursery.

I realize the OP has different feelings, as do many other people who have early m/c's. I also know women who had early m/c's, and soon forgot about it after getting pregnant again soon. My point is she shouldn't feel bad that others don't remember her due date. They're still her family and friends, still love her very much.

Realist, suggesting that the OP is not realistic? Or that the OP doesn't understand the odds of survival? Mentally prepared? How nice for you. Some of us emotionally prepare, spiritually prepare, and consider ourselves pregnant, and expecting a baby (as opposed to a miscarriage), as soon as we know that "there is a good chance of having"...oh, that's right, a baby (as opposed to a miscarriage). That's me.

Bully for you that you know people who had early misses and soon forgot about it. But you even point out that they forgot about it "after getting pregnant again soon" and the OP has not. And even if she did, she is still entitled to her feelings, and you should not tell her "she shouldn't feel bad".

But I also feel sorry for you, that when you find out you are pregnant, you react by mentally preparing for a miscarriage. That's pretty sad.

WDWORBUST, I'm checking out because I'm sure this is not helpful either. I'm sorry for your loss.

IndianaRoseLee, I'll PM you.

 

[mjkacmom]

Realist, suggesting that the OP is not realistic? Or that the OP doesn't understand the odds of survival? Mentally prepared? How nice for you. Some of us emotionally prepare, spiritually prepare, and consider ourselves pregnant, and expecting a baby (as opposed to a miscarriage), as soon as we know that "there is a good chance of having"...oh, that's right, a baby (as opposed to a miscarriage). That's me.

Bully for you that you know people who had early misses and soon forgot about it. But you even point out that they forgot about it "after getting pregnant again soon" and the OP has not. And even if she did, she is still entitled to her feelings, and you should not tell her "she shouldn't feel bad".

But I also feel sorry for you, that when you find out you are pregnant, you react by mentally preparing for a miscarriage. That's pretty sad.

WDWORBUST, I'm checking out because I'm sure this is not helpful either. I'm sorry for your loss.

IndianaRoseLee, I'll PM you.

I never said the OP is not entitled to her feelings! She is grieving for that child - it is her right to do so. My only point is that maybe her friends and family feel differently about a 1st trimester m/c, and they are not deliberately not taking her feelings into consideration.

And don't feel sorry for me - everyone has their own way of dealing with things. Some may choose to bond with the baby, and risk dealing with a lot of grief if they are part of the 1 in 4 who lose the baby, but I waited until my 12th week to celebrate. But apparently your way is the only way...

 

[Ciciwoowoo]

Often, those of us who do remember don't really know what to say in this situation. I would hate to bring it up, just to bring you grief. The occasion was a happy one with the birthday, and it isn't like someone will want to bring the whole thing down by bringing it up.

I think mothers feel the loss of an unborn child more than anyone else could. We already have a bond with that child. It is a part of us. We are more in tuned to the dreams we have, and the loss of those dreams as well.

I am very sorry for your loss. It isn't easy to hear things happen for a reason, but they do. We may never understand why.

 

[Hannathy]

I think the HPT are the cause of a lot of this. Do you have any idea of the amount of "miscarriages" there really are and how many women had miscarriages and never really knew it before we started testing as soon as we were an hour late or my goodness some before they are even late? It used to be women were at least 6 wks or more pregnant before they even found out and that was early to find out. Many many embryos don't latch on, many cells don't divide properly and the body doing what nature has planned gets rid of the weak. Remember only the strong survive? We are talking about nature and reality.

IMO a few posters like myself who seem to be uncaring or callous about this have experienced life more, are older and have had more grief in their life. It is much easier to put the loss of a very early pregnancy into perspective when you have lost a child who you have loved for years or held your friends hand and heart in yours as they went thru the illness and death of their 7 yr old or their 19 yr old. Every experience isn't equal some are worse I'm sorry to say and in order to survive this world in any semblance or mental health people have to realize and learn to rank things.

I am sorry to hear you are still upset but as you don't want others telling you not to be upset, you can't tell others they need to be upset if they aren't. Everyone has the right to feel as they do as long as they aren't insisting others feel that way also.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

I am very sorry for your loss.
I lost my son when he was 2 1/2 months old. It has been 12 years. NO one in my family or dh's family talks about him anymore. There are no pictures of him up anywhere I totally understand feeling like people have forgot I think that part of what people have said is true. People have a hard time grieving and just don't know what to say or to do. Sometimes even our own spouses fall into that category. BUT husband grieve too he may not be able to fully accept things himself. I have been to many grief boards and this child no matter how far along you were or no matter how long was in your life will always be with you. There is no forgetting a child you have lost.

 

[WDWorBUST]

Okay - really - I was just venting. I didn't mean to stir up things like this. I will say though that I didn't have morning sickness with my DD. I was still experiencing nausea even after I found out I had miscarried which was when I would have been 10 weeks. I gave my body the opportunity to have the miscarriage naturally before finally having a D&C at what "should" have been 12 weeks. I do realize how common miscarriages are.....and I agree about HPTs being so sensitive causing a lot of problems.....however I was pretty close to out of the first trimester when I found out that I had lost the baby. I was extremely attached by that point. If my due date had been any other day I wouldn't have expected anyone at all to remember it.....I just would have thought that my husband and my mother would have remembered since it is my daughter's birthday.....not just a random day on the calendar. I do appreciate all the kind words....and can respect the opinions of everyone. Next year I'm sure I will remember what that day is....but I don't think anyone else will or necessarily should. It's just very raw right now since this is my life "now" and my life "now" is not how I expected it to be just 30 short weeks ago.

 

[DVC Sadie]

I think the HPT are the cause of a lot of this. Do you have any idea of the amount of "miscarriages" there really are and how many women had miscarriages and never really knew it before we started testing as soon as we were an hour late or my goodness some before they are even late? It used to be women were at least 6 wks or more pregnant before they even found out and that was early to find out. Many many embryos don't latch on, many cells don't divide properly and the body doing what nature has planned gets rid of the weak. Remember only the strong survive? We are talking about nature and reality.

IMO a few posters like myself who seem to be uncaring or callous about this have experienced life more, are older and have had more grief in their life. It is much easier to put the loss of a very early pregnancy into perspective when you have lost a child who you have loved for years or held your friends hand and heart in yours as they went thru the illness and death of their 7 yr old or their 19 yr old. Every experience isn't equal some are worse I'm sorry to say and in order to survive this world in any semblance or mental health people have to realize and learn to rank things.

I am sorry to hear you are still upset but as you don't want others telling you not to be upset, you can't tell others they need to be upset if they aren't. Everyone has the right to feel as they do as long as they aren't insisting others feel that way also.

I agree with the above post.

I don't see anyone on this thread as spewing, callous, unfeeling or cruel and calling a poster that doesn't make them so. Not you but other posters.

WDWorBust, I am sorry for your loss and understand that you wanted to vent and I hope your grief lessons as time goes on.

Did you tell your DH how you felt? Have you discussed your sadness with your other family members? No one knows how you feel unless you tell them.

 

[Cinderellabride]

Seriously??? I know that EVERYTHING turns into a fight on these boards, but THIS really???? Come on! Let a person express how they are feeling without giving them your opinion about their feelings. For goodness sakes people this is a DISNEY message board, we're talking about the happiest place on earth, I really don't get all the fighting!

 

[tartemis]

I just want to echo that I am very sorry for your loss. (And so sorry to the others who have commented here that have also experienced loss.) I also highly recommend going to the BabyCenter boards to talk to others in your situation.

I am embarassed to even type this because compared to what many on this board have gone through it isn't even on the same scale, but my first daughter was born 7 weeks early and I had a really hard time with it -- she was perfectly healthy, but I still couldn't shake a depression about the loss of a normal birth experience or not bringing home my daughter from the hospital with me (she was in the NICU for observation for a week.) All of this sounds silly, right? And I have now reached a place where I have been able to deal with it, but I couldn't talk to anybody about it because they thought I was ridiculous for having these feelings. But they are YOUR feelings, and instead of trying to make other people understand, I think it is just easier to go to someplace like BabyCenter where you can find people who are going through the same thing and having similar reactions. I tried talking to DH about it a couple of times, but he just didn't get it.

Good luck with everything.

 

[kpm76]

I am very sorry for your loss and I am also very sorry that some of the posts on here are not helping you as you continue to grieve. You are hurting and a part of you is gone forever and it is well within your right to feel the loss. I had a missed miscarriage a month ago and while I am in a good place now, I can tell you that I will always remember that baby that I lost. I had a very good ultrasound, strong heartbeat at 7 weeks, a few days later the baby stopped growing and it was not until 3 weeks later that I discovered at my routine OB appt that we lost the baby. It was hard, very hard. My sister is pregnant and we were due a week a part. Thank God, her pregnancy is progressing well and I am so excited for a new neice or nephew, but there are times that seeing her pregnant is a reminder of what might have been. My faith is deep and my husband is wonderful and this experience brought us closer together. I truly believe that God had a different plan for this little one and my daughter has a very special angel.

I suspect faith and belief systems are a factor when coping with miscarriage. I believe life begins at conception and since I saw a HB very early on, nobody will convince me that my child was a "maybe-baby." That was and always will be my child. I am well educated and know the stats surrounding miscarriage but it does not make the loss any easier to handle when you become a member of the 25% club. Sure, some people move on but those of us who truly believe this was and always will be a child have a more difficult time. Miscarriage is an isolating loss and some of the posts here are great example of why that is the case. Unless you have experienced the pain, you have no idea how deep it runs.