Just a quick vent....

[WDWorBUST]

Yesterday was my daughter's 6th birthday. It was also my due date for the baby I lost in April. I am doing much better but am still sad about the "what might have beens" but am truly trying not to dwell on it and think I'm doing a pretty good job. However....it really just irritates me that it seems like I'm the only person in my family that recognizes the fact that we should have another child now. A brand new sweet smelling baby should be in our family and isn't. Even my DH didn't acknowledge it. I have one extremely close friend here at work that is better in tune with my emotions than my family and sent me an email yesterday and has checked on me today. I really don't want a pity party....but I can't pretend like it didn't happen either. I wish I could because that would be a lot easier. Okay....vent over!

 

[grumpeeduck]

I understand well what you are feeling. I lost a child very late in term many years ago, and I was shocked at how quickly people forget!! I was also shocked at how many hurtful and just plain stupid things people said to me.
My MIL even said "at least you didn't lose a child you have held"! I still remember that 19 years later! I wish I had a wonderful answer or something wise to offer you. I'm so sorry.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I'm sorry for your loss. Maybe people didn't mention it because they didn't want to make you feel bad. Or maybe because they experience the loss in a different way. To them, it may just be a sad thing that happened in the past. Or maybe they didn't want the birthday girl who is here, to have her birthday ruined by the loss of someone she didn't even know. Maybe your miscarriage reminds them of theirs. I wouldn't hold it against anyone.

 

[ktlm]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I remember how hard the time around the due date was after my lost pregnancy. I don't think anyone but me realized/remembered what should have been happening around those dates either. You are very lucky to have such a great friend.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

Did you talk with your husband about it? You might want to do that. He can't know what you are thinking and feeling.

 

[Hannathy]

I'm going to sound very callous right now BUT if the baby was only due now and you lost it in April you couldn't have been very far along. Did many people even know you were pregnant? I also think people feel different about early miscarriages vs late term ones. With later ones garnishing more sympathy because so many people have early ones. Now if you had lost it in August or Sept. I could see people remembering but more than 6 months ago? 6 months in a persons life is a long time. many things happen seasons change, jobs change. Do you remember everything that has happened in your friends life 6 months ago? Unless you were a very good friend I probably wouldn't remember when you were due that far after the fact nor would I bring it up for a first term miscarriage. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but people move on unfortunately or maybe fortunately. My DD's best friends Mom died a month ago and even in that case people have moved on, dinners aren't being left, folks offering to help around the house have stopped, phone calls have dropped off, etc.

I'm sorry you are hurt but try to put it into perspective as far as friends and family is concerned.

Now your DH is another story He should acknowledge the date and offer some empathy. Of course he could also be upset and handling it in the typical male stupidity of not dwelling on it and "maning" thru it.

 

[mejkjj97]

I went through the same thing also. i was due with our 2nd child on my DD 2nd birthday. I lost the pregnancy at 16 weeks and I was the only one who remember. It is difficult but I through all my attention into my DD party and was truly thankful for her on that day. Now we are expecting and I am due on the day I had my D&E for the lost of the 2nd. For some reason I am finding this harder and then a blessing at the same time. Noone understands the significance of this date but me and I haven't really shared my emotions with anyone.

 

[ogreenlee]

I've had three miscarriages. Seems like every mom I know has had, at least, one. However, I am sorry, b/c it does sound like you're really wanting another baby and that is the issue here more than what you lost.

However, if you expect folks to remember.. especially outside of your immediate family (DD and DH), then you're asking a lot. Your DD shouldn't have to remember it or even know how you feel about it. It was her birthday. Your DH isn't a woman and doesn't have that bond that a mother has with a child in her womb. So really, it's hard to blame him.

If you want to have another child then you need to vocalize your wants and needs instead of just expecting people to feel how you're feeling or read your mind.

Good luck..

 

[mjkacmom]

I'm going to sound very callous right now BUT if the baby was only due now and you lost it in April you couldn't have been very far along. Did many people even know you were pregnant? I also think people feel different about early miscarriages vs late term ones. With later ones garnishing more sympathy because so many people have early ones. Now if you had lost it in August or Sept. I could see people remembering but more than 6 months ago? 6 months in a persons life is a long time. many things happen seasons change, jobs change. Do you remember everything that has happened in your friends life 6 months ago? Unless you were a very good friend I probably wouldn't remember when you were due that far after the fact nor would I bring it up for a first term miscarriage. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but people move on unfortunately or maybe fortunately. My DD's best friends Mom died a month ago and even in that case people have moved on, dinners aren't being left, folks offering to help around the house have stopped, phone calls have dropped off, etc.

I'm sorry you are hurt but try to put it into perspective as far as friends and family is concerned.

Now your DH is another story He should acknowledge the date and offer some empathy. Of course he could also be upset and handling it in the typical male stupidity of not dwelling on it and "maning" thru it.

I'm here to. Of course you should be sad, and your DH more comforting, but there are some people, like me, who consider it a maybe-baby until the second trimester, because first trimester m/c are so common (I used to try to forget I was pregnant). My sister has had a couple - I have no idea when her due dates were. Several of my friends have had them as well. I'm amazed that I had 4 successful pregnancies. Please don't be upset with your friends and family.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I've had three miscarriages. Seems like every mom I know has had, at least, one. However, I am sorry, b/c it does sound like you're really wanting another baby and that is the issue here more than what you lost.

However, if you expect folks to remember.. especially outside of your immediate family (DD and DH), then you're asking a lot. Your DD shouldn't have to remember it or even know how you feel about it. It was her birthday. Your DH isn't a woman and doesn't have that bond that a mother has with a child in her womb. So really, it's hard to blame him.

If you want to have another child then you need to vocalize your wants and needs instead of just expecting people to feel how you're feeling or read your mind.

Good luck..

 

[Cinderellabride]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

And I'm really surprised at some of the responses you are getting.

Maybe DH didn't want to upset you by bringing it up in a moment when you may have not been thinking about it for a brief second, or he processes grief differently. I would doubt he would forget a due date on DD's birthday though. Maybe talk to him about it.

Again I am sorry

 

[Cinderellabride]

also she said her family no mention of friends, I would absolutely expect my family to remember that, and I doubt she meant her DD.

OP: I think people prob didn't want to upset you, or didn't know what to say.

 

[WDWorBUST]

Okay....maybe I didn't express myself well in the first post. The only people I'm irritated with are my husband, mother and sisters. My daughter didn't even know I was pregnant because we were waiting until we made it through the first trimester to tell her and I was extremely grateful I had the opportunity to celebrate her yesterday. I realize miscarriages are common - but I don't think expecting the father of the lost baby to acknowledge it is really expecting too much. Or the grandmother or aunts. And yes we really want a second child and we've been trying for over a year now. It took us over a year to get pregnant with our DD and now we're well over a year again for #2.....I'm 35 and didn't want to be much older having another one. I am trying to move past this also....I don't want to dwell on it and don't want to bring it up to my family....that's why I'm venting here. In all honesty though I don't think anyone can really understand. Yes miscarriages are not uncommon.....but it takes a freaking act of congress for me to get pregnant and who knows if I will again or not - we've been trying since the loss and of course before. I don't know if I'll have another baby or not but it's something I really want and I don't think expecting my close family to acknowledge my sadness over this baby that I wanted so desperately is asking so much when who knows if we'll be able to have a second child or not.

 

[WDWorBUST]

also she said her family no mention of friends, I would absolutely expect my family to remember that, and I doubt she meant her DD.

OP: I think people prob didn't want to upset you, or didn't know what to say.

Thank you.

 

[*BTMRR*]

I'm very sorry.
I had a first trimester miscarriage and I was very surprised by the depth of my own grief over the loss. From the time I saw two lines on the pregnancy test, that was my baby, even though I knew there was a high risk of loss in the first trimester. I never would have imagined, before my miscarriage, that I would feel the loss so keenly.
So I understand how you must feel.

I understanding that you're venting and not trying to seriously hold this against anyone. Vent away.

 

[ogreenlee]

Okay....maybe I didn't express myself well in the first post. The only people I'm irritated with are my husband, mother and sisters. My daughter didn't even know I was pregnant because we were waiting until we made it through the first trimester to tell her and I was extremely grateful I had the opportunity to celebrate her yesterday. I realize miscarriages are common - but I don't think expecting the father of the lost baby to acknowledge it is really expecting too much. Or the grandmother or aunts. And yes we really want a second child and we've been trying for over a year now. It took us over a year to get pregnant with our DD and now we're well over a year again for #2.....I'm 35 and didn't want to be much older having another one. I am trying to move past this also....I don't want to dwell on it and don't want to bring it up to my family....that's why I'm venting here. In all honesty though I don't think anyone can really understand. Yes miscarriages are not uncommon.....but it takes a freaking act of congress for me to get pregnant and who knows if I will again or not - we've been trying since the loss and of course before. I don't know if I'll have another baby or not but it's something I really want and I don't think expecting my close family to acknowledge my sadness over this baby that I wanted so desperately is asking so much when who knows if we'll be able to have a second child or not.

Well I think we all can understand your frustration and disappointment a little more clearly now. I can only go on what my DH would do, and that would be to forget. Now.. if it was something I talked about often with him, then I would hope he'd remember. I agree that maybe he doesn't want to upset you. Men... you know.. they don't think straight.


I can't speak for your mom and sisters, as I'm the kind of person that would have forgotten the date, but wouldn't have meant any ill-will towards you. It's just in my nature to forget things.


I wish you lots of sticky vibes and hopes that you'll be able to get pregnant again really soon! I am really sorry for what you're going through.

 

[ktlm]

I'm also shocked at some of the responses you are getting. We had a 3 year infertility battle before I got pg the 1st time, only to m/c. It took almost exactly a year from the 1st time I got pregnant, for me to get pregnant with DD. Although a m/c is horrible for anyone, I think the struggle of trying so long to get pg only to lose it, may make a m/c even harder for those of us who have had that experience. Like you, I didn't know if I would ever be lucky enough to have it happen again. Hang in there and don't give up. 35 isn't old. I do agree with the posters that said that maybe your DH and family didn't say anything because they did not want to put a damper on your DD's birthday or upset you. I think you should talk to your DH about how you are feeling. He may even be wondering why you did not acknowledge the date yesterday. Maybe he just thinks you didn't want to talk about it, or you would have brought it up.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

If you want these people to talk about it, sometimes you have to start the talking. People don't usually deal well with their own grief, let alone the grief of others. No one is being mean. They are just saying how they look at it. You aren't the only one who has dealt with infertility and/or loss. People don't say my son's name, and he died at 8 years old. they don't want me to feel bad. Some don't remember the day, but remember the person. For some dates aren't important. And for some, their grieving is over. You can't expect even the people who love you and loved that lost child to know what you need unless you tell them.

 

[ogreenlee]

I have to interject this, b/c I JUST NOW noticed it, but someone has taken it upon themselves to change my tagline, and here I am posting all this and had not even noticed.

I do think that whomever did it was so funny in doing so!!


So you can take my tagline's advice or not, and I'm not talking about the Gorillapod.

 

[palavra]

I, too, am shocked at some of the posts here. As someone who had three early losses, you grieve not only for the baby you lost, but also for what might have been. It is certainly not too much to expect your family to remember, and honor, that life, however short it was.