Jay-nee's journal

[Blueeyes101817]

Happy Tuesday Jaynee--I love how positive you always sound--it will get better!!4 dogs..wow!! Hope you have a good day and get that exercise in!

 

[jay-nee]

I'm having a real problem with depression lately. Things are going fine, but I can't get myself out of this funk at all...

I don't want my husband back, but I miss our life together and I miss planning my future with him. Isn't that sad? Life is just so different now. I am such a strong person normally but this has really pushed me to the edge. And I am not really sure why... It's freaking me out in so many ways.

I have been exercising a bit (not each day, but enough) and I am okay with my eating. My weight is at 149. Not a problem there and I am thrilled to be hovering in this spot.

I am just sick of being in this funk. I try so hard to be upbeat and positive but I'm lonely. I am so used to focusing my day around my husbands insane work schedule that I don't always know what to do with myself.

Today I took the kids to Fort Popham and walked Popham Beach State Park. It was beautiful and I took some great photos of the kids and the fort, etc, but one of us is missing.

Now you have to understand my life stunk with him in alot of ways, but still, to spend 19 yrs with someone and now they are gone, you miss them (in some ways). I love sleeping alone. I love cooking for the kids and I only. I love the freedom. I love doing things my way. I love that my home looks aawesome! But, I do miss the idiot - and that makes me so mad at myself! I know that I will go through all sorts of stages, but darn it this just stinks...

His family feels so badly about this mess that he has left me with. His sister and mother call to see how they can help. They are being so kind. We are going to the local parade with them tomorrow and to a cookout too. They are so nice, so what happened to him?

So this is why I don't post anymore - too depressing... BTW, the kids are doing great. He didn't even stop by this week to hang out with them. So sad for him that he is missing out on 2 of the greatest kids in the world. Honestly, how do you desert kids? What a jerk...

Hope everything is better for my WISH friends... Tomorrow is a new day... I'm trying...

 

[wilderness01]

I'm sorry you are feeling blue. Take care of yourself.

 

[jay-nee]

I am feeling a bit better - it is my 6 month anniversary with WISH too. I will try to remember to update my clippie.

I rode my bike yesterday and broke it again! I hope they just replace it at this point, as this is ridiculous! And, it doesn't help my pysche at all...

I think the walk on the beach helped yesterday alot. Just nice to get outside and in the sun. I was outside today as soon as it got sunny - all 15 minutes of it...but at least it was sunny. It's raining again. I can't imagine living in the NW, I love the rain and I am totally sick of it. Everytime we bring our dog out for a walk I have to completely dry him off, I got through 2 beach towels a day lately...

I have tomorrow off too and I am going to see the lawyer to finally get this ball rolling. I can live in limbo anymore and it is so through it has to be through at this point. I need to get on with my life and find a new path for the kids and I. Amen!

"WISH" me luck...

 

[jay-nee]

is the day I am going to the lawyers. So stressful. I woke up at 3:30 this morning. I just want this done at this point.

"WISH" me luck... I'm gonna need it. It's not going to be easy to survive from here on out... not that it really ever was, just that you get used to a certain amount of disfunctionality in your life.

The kids and I didn't make it to the museum last week (we went to Fort Popham and Popham Beach instead), so this weeks plan is the Maine State Museum! It's been 5 years since we've been so hopefully some of the displays have changed too. Probably the kids won't remember it anyway so it won't be a biggie if they haven't changed.

Happy Tuesday all!

 

[Strings]

Congratualtions and Happy Anniversary Jaynee.

I hope today goes well. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Do something good for yourself today,
Beth

 

[jay-nee]

I've been doing so much better since I've started to exercise again. I feel better and am starting to be my chipper self again. Nice to be back - hopefully to stay.

I did an official WI today and I am down to 145.5 lbs, so that makes my total loss to date - 46.5 lbs. I felt so off track in May and some off April too, but if I just exercise and pay attention to the fuel I'm using, I'll do much better with everything and the benefit will be that I'll lose a few more lbs too.

The kids and I have been walking with the dog the last two nights, it's been a good change, but it doesn't work for my knee at all. I feel ok in the morning but in the evening - ouch! The kids rollerbladed last night. If the dog would cooperate, I would have rollerbladed too, but he'd probably drag me to WDW! I wish I could get him to walk on a leash better, but he's so determined! I would like to bring him back to training, but I have to watch the funds. We did have a blast and the kids are getting pretty good on their blades. I don't have pads so I am thinking about investing. I usually use my DS pads, but then we can't go together.

Well, gotta jet - things to do now that the sun is out - no excuses... This weekend I have to paint the barn and house trim, put in the garden, and, of course, mow the lawn. I vacuumed the pool this morning just hoping that we will be able to use it this weekend! Tomorrow might be in the 80's! Wow! I'm going to try and get my mowing and painting done today so tomorrow I can have a pool day with the kids. Yippee!

Happy Friday all!

 

[keenercam]

Wow, Jay-Nee, you are getting 80 degrees in Maine? It is in the sixties here and rainy and grey. I am so glad you have a nice weekend to look forward to, but I am exhausted just reading about all you plan to do. If I lose another 40 pounds, will I be that energized?
Enjoy the day!

 

[jay-nee]

Hi Cam - I am determined is what I am. I have so much that I have to do. I do have alot of energy too. It definately helps to eat less refined sugars, less fat, and less sodium. Honestly, that makes a HUGE difference in how I feel. Hope you are having a great weekdnd too.

I got the trim painting done today, mind you not my whole house and barn, but I got the parts that have never been done before. I really do need to do all of the barn trim and house trim too, but that is a much bigger project for a different time (later this year). I also finished mowing the lawn and raked the back and side (DS did the front). I brusehed the pony - believe it or not, she still has a TON of winter coat left! She looks so cute though. Plus, I fixed a hole in the lawn and took care of the front garden. And, yes, I am really, really tired. Plus, I went in the pool with the kids too. What a day! I'm exhausted just writing about this.

Tomorrow, the kids and I will finally plant the garden. My husband came over a rototilled it today. TG because I hate that thing! The kids and I were going to hand till it if he didn't do it, so I am so glad.

I bought the 1st season of Survivor on DVD and we are watching an episode each evening (since there is NOTHING on TV - I don't know why I bother to pay for cable). We are having fun doing that and I really look forward to it alot. I wish there were more family shows on, but we can not seem to find anything interesting.

My husband came over today and annouced that he wants to take the BowFlex. I have not given him a hard time about what he wants, but I finally put my foot down. He was not expecting that at all. He wants to take all of my guest room furniture too - this is my mother's room - I said no. Honestly, I feel badly about that, but not my mom's room. That would break my heart. I don't have any huge issues with the rest of his list. I'm just worried about what else me might add. Already he wants most of the big ticket stuff anyway, but I don't have a connection to any of that. It's the sentimental stuff I have a problem with. But, he talked to me again before he left and said that I can keep the BowFlex and maybe we could barter for the guest room stuff. I hope we can work through the hard stuff...

Well, I better go check out what the kids are up to - probably playing GameCube. They are a hoot to listen too when they play together... My great kids...

Happy Saturday...

 

[plutosmyfav]

Hi Jay-nee,

Wow, you are always busy!!!!! I'm sorry you have to go through the stress of splitting stuff. I'm glad you put your foot down and got to keep the Bow Flex.

Keep your spirits up

Sunny

 

[calena]

Sounds like so much stress in your life. Hang on to what is important. Your home and property sounds great. I know the kids love the pony. Have a good day.

 

[jay-nee]

Just logging on for a few minutes. (Thanks guys for stopping by my journal --- it helps me alot...)

Yep, I might be able to keep the bedroom set too. But now he wants the futon chairs in the living room and the matching slate table too. He said I could counter. So now I'm thinking...hmmmm...which would be the bigger loss? I loves these chairs... My Mom's down for the week so when she gets back later today, I'll ask her.

We have a sofa bed she could sleep on, but it's been so nice for her to have her own space...

I'm doing ok. What I notice is that when little things happen at work or just dealing with (who I deam to be) unreasonable people, it sets me off wicked quickly. This is not my style, but I am so teetering on that fence right now it doesn't take much. Today I went in to switch the cable bill over to my name and fix the address to my new PO Box and they told me they needed his permission. Now this was after they told me on the phone to just come into the office and bring ID. Nope, they can't do it. Stuff like that is so stupid! But, you know rules... Some are just so dumb! Plus, I have this jerk at work who is actually checking how much work I have/do each day. Come on people - get a freakin' life! I just have no patience right now. She's a jerk all the time and normally I just laugh it off, but right now...argh!

Well, I have to take the dogs for a walk (all 4 of them with my Mom's 3 too! ) People, here's some advice - one dog is plenty! 3 is insanity! They are sweet, but a HUGE amount of work... Plus it's raining again and they HATE the rain. On the other hand, my dog LOVES the rain! He's such a good boy...

Happy Wednesday all!

 

[wilderness01]

Hang in there Jaynee.

What does your attorney say about splitting up the property? I don't know about Maine but my friend in PA is going through a divorce as well and they award all the household contents to the wife. I'm not saying to do that and be unreasonable, but don't get bullied. Take a while to decide what you want and don't get pressured into making a rash decision. I'm sorry for what you are going through. Take care.

 

[jay-nee]

Man, is it pouring out! Wow! The garden will love it though!

I am working with the lawyer...property is 50/50 in Maine. Isn't it weird how it can vary from state to state? Right now husband is so mad, he can't talk to me...I'm cool with that! He was calling each night for about two weeks - it was driving me crazy! He didn't like how the divorce papers were worded. Oh well, I guess he should have thought of that before he decided that he didn't want to work things out. People might want to think about the consequences of their actions before they make huge decisions. This decision has affected so many facets of all of our lives, some that we are just beginning to realize. So many years together that you develop this overlapping togetherness (obviously some realize this more than others...hmmmm). It's been hard with my Mom so far away now. My in-law family is all right here, but that's just weird for right now.

The kids and I are doing great, better as time goes on. My Mom just came down for a week and headed back yesterday. We had a big yard sale. We made over $200 and got rid of alot of the large items. I am so psyched! Mom was such a help! I wouldn't/couldn't have done it without here. She was the official pricer and priced things to sell. I still have a ton of stuff for the yard sale we will have in the fall - after the divorce is final. This was just for kids stuff and some barn stuff too. I didn't want to get rid of anything controversial. Yikes. I wouldn't need that right now.

I am maintaining my weight at 145.5 and I'm pretty happy about that. I haven't been formally exercising this past week, but I will start back today. I was beat after the yard sale and so much sun! Argh was it hot!

So, back to life. Happy Tuesday all! Thanks for the words of wisdom Sunny, Beth and calena. I appreciate your support alot!

 

[jay-nee]

Well, after a week plus hiatus on the bike, etc. I got back on last night and rode! Plus, I did my complete Bowflex workout too! I was so happy!

Since we sold so many BIG items at the yardsale, I was able to "free" the last section of the Bowflex and add 2 more exercises to my regular routine. Boy, it is nice knowing that I can do the whole circuit now. If I can do this regularly for 6 weeks now, I will then switch to the advanced routine then. I should probably mark it on the calendar and add an incentive too. I'll think about that...

I've been kind of on plan lately with my eating. My Mom down always messes with my eating, but I was so buy with the yeard sale that I must have burned a zillion calories. I was so motivated to get rid of that stuff!

Now, I need to work on the boxes and boxes of books I still have. I really don't want to bother with eBay, but I may add some on Half.com and see how that goes. Or maybe Amazon... If anyone has insight, let me know which I may have better luck on...

Well, I have tons of things to do. My days off are busier than my work days and it can get really crazy.

Happy Friday all!

 

[rcyannacci]

Hey jay-nee! Happy Friday yourself I bet that Maine summer is starting to look beautiful...here in TX I'm about to say goodbye to anything green.

It sounds like you are doing great and making the best out of an extremely stressful situation. The Bowfllex sounds like a great way to take out some frustrations. Take care of yourself and you'll be able to take care of everything else.

 

[plutosmyfav]

Hi Jay-nee

My you've been busy! Your kids sound so interesting (from your post in my journal). Your DD is a black belt? Wow! I'm so glad you have reached goal while going through all the crappy divorce stuff. Imagine if you were feeling fat and dumpy on top of it all? Yuck! In my divorce my lawyer kept telling me that the judge weighs heavily on not disrupting the kids lives too much. In that case, property splitting, who gets the house, etc. should be determined on what's best for the kids. I hope it all works out for you. I'm glad your Mom was able to visit.

Enjoy that BowFlex! I had an incredibly stressful week last week and couldn't exercise on Thursday. I went to the gym on Friday and took out all that stress on teh weights. It was so wonderful! I don't know how I'd survive without that release.

Sunny

 

[jay-nee]

Thanks rcyannacci and Sunny for stopping by!

Honestly, I keep busy so that I don't dwell too much on the negative stuff everywhere in my life because of these issues. This has been the hardest thing I have ever, and I mean ever, gone through. And, believe me, life has not been a breeze. But, I am a supremely positive person naturally, so that has helped. But, some days I beat myself up, just because I am not focusing on the positive and, sometimes, that can be a huge problem. It's a downward spiral from there.

The kids, oh my great kids, are awesome. Yes, DD got her Jr BB at the ripe ole age of 8. She is an extremely determined kid and would not let her brother surpass her - no matter what it took. Her DS was 11. He got his adult BB at 12 1/2 years old. I got mine at 37 (obviously a late bloomer LOL). DD stayed with it for another yr plus, but our do-jo was becoming a not positive place for her (or DS or I), so we left in Aug '03 to focus on our family and to try and simplify our lives. Karate is a spirit that lives in your heart and soul and our do-jo was not moving in that direction at that point. It had become a successful venture for our Sensei and his focus changed over the course of a year or so. A hard loss for my family, but we left at a great time and for the correct reasons.

DS did a few tournaments and was invited to the Nationals and Junior Olympics too. He is not a natural, but this kid works harder than any kid I saw at our do-jo. He is the same with his school work. He knows that he can accomplish anything if you work hard enough and want it badly enough and learned that back in elementary school very early on. A great life lesson.

So that is a little about my kids. They are just normal, nice kids. I have given my heart and soul to them and I hope it pays off. I figure I'll know when they are about 30 yrs old, right? Until then, I'm waiting for the rollercoaster ride I'm bound to see soon (they are 14 1/2 and 11 1/2 now). It should be interesting...

I am trying so hard to figure out a way to bring the kids to WDW in Sept. Our APs expire on 09/25/05, I believe. So, it would just be air, hotel, and food (we wouldn't even bother with souveniers). I checked air yesterday and it would be about $550 for the 3 of us out of Logan or Portsmouth. About the same for the hotel for 7 nights. And, probably $500-$600 for food. So, about $1600, which would have sounds great before, but now, ouch! So, I'm going to talk to my Mom and see if she could take the dog for us. Then, we'll go from there. I'd hate to not use those APs again, as we will never be able to swing PAPs for the 3 of us again. I so badly want to go to the waterparks and DQ etc again!!!!! It's killing me to know I have those passes...

Well, I have to wake DD up for one of her fav shows. Happy Saturday all!

 

[jay-nee]

maintanence is hard! Is there a maintenance support group out there? I'm thinking about joining WW again - I've been a lifetime for yrs but haven't gone to a meeting in ages. I need to learn to maintain for life.

So far I am hovering between 145-148 and I'm happy (very happy) with that! But, I get scared sometimes (like alot) that I will slowly get back where I was. Scary thought... Too much work to take it off (again!).

I will look up WW and find out for this week. Maybe there is one locally that has a good core group.

Hopefully everyone is having a nice weekend. I am going to bike and Bowflex today!

 

[jay-nee]

Well, we have sun this morning! What a blessing! I will enjoy it alot today. So much outdoor work to be done.

Husband is coming over today for Father's Day. DS wishes he wasn't and is pretty mad about it. DD will just ignore him as per usual anyway. People dig huge holes for themselves in life. Honestly... The kids gave him their card on Wednesday hoping to be done with it. Oh well...

Supposedly, he is going to weed whack our property and put the ACs in too. We'll see. In over 2 months he has handled so little and made so many excuses, I don't put much creed in what he says anyway. He promised to rototill the garden for the kids over 3 weeks ago and still no rototilling has been done. Whatever... I am going to hire a handyman soon, if he doesn't get his act in gear. I did hire a plumber this past week to fix the shower. What a relief to have that done!

I didn't exercise last night. I have to stop doing that. I didn't even eat OP most of yesterday. I frustrate myself so much. I will try harder today. Hopefully the weather will help to motivate me.

Happy Sunday all! And, Happy Father's Day too to all of the GOOD Dad's out there who are not self-centered jerks! (yes, a little hostility here...)