I've had it with my DH AND my MIL... **UPDATE, Post #17**

[AKL_Megs]

I am MAD at my MIL for constantly treating my DH like crap, and I am MAD at my DH for constantly TAKING her crap.

I won't go into the details on my MIL. You just have to trust me. She is one of the "crazy" ones.

She has done this before, and once again, my MIL is not speaking to my DH.

He didn't do anything wrong, other than not call her 20 times a day, every day. I don't blame him. Any time he calls her, the conversations turn to how terrible her life is, how nobody will help her, how nobody wants to talk to her, and how hard life is for her. Trust me, none of the above are true. She lives off of her DBF's dime, collects social security AND rent from a rental property, and has the help of anyone she asks. Anything in her life that is "terrible" or "hard" is by her own doing.

My DH thinks that THIS TIME, she is mad and not speaking to him because he can't call her when he is working, which is the only time she has to talk to him. (He works nights, she subsequently sleeps during the day.) With this in mind, he usually only talks to her a couple times a week.

The last time he called her to talk, she was preoccupied with a friend and "couldn't talk", and he didn't call her back later. He called the day before and of Easter to invite her over, but she didn't answer the phone or respond to his messages. She hasn't called him back yet.

She does this all of the time, and my stupid DH ALWAYS goes running back the second she calls him, and the cycle begins again.

Right now, he is telling me, "I don't care that she isn't calling," and "I am going to play her game right along with her," but I know it bothers him and he wishes she would call.

I am so tired of sitting back and watching her walk all over him. I am so sick of watching him act like nothing happened the second she calls back.

There. This was kind of a vent, but I am open to any suggestions from others with crazy MIL's.

UPDATE, post #17...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My advice is to instead of getting mad at MIL and your DH put your energy into supporting your dh. Trust me it is so much better to approach it that way.

When my dh complained or was in pain over his family, I would give a hug and reassurance that it will be OK.

This makes him feel good and you feel good as well instead of stewing.

Anyway that is our remedy here.

 

[AKL_Megs]

My advice is to instead of getting mad at MIL and your DH put your energy into supporting your dh. Trust me it is so much better to approach it that way.

When my dh complained or was in pain over his family, I would give a hug and reassurance that it will be OK.

This makes him feel good and you feel good as well instead of stewing.

Anyway that is our remedy here.

I've been doing that to his face... I am TOTALLY, 100% on his side, but it angers me when he is so forgiving. He just asked he, "When is Mother's Day, anyways?" after a Hallmark commercial came on. I WANTED to say, "Oh, in case your mom decides to call you by then, so she can get a gift?" But I just told him the date...

Thanks for the good advice and the . I will keep it in mind.

 

[wilderness01]

My advice? Stay out of it. I have watched this disfunction junction for 26 years. It is like a roller coaster. Sometimes my husband is strong, and other times, he caves. He must work it out for himself without your input.

The ONLY time I get involved is when my MIL hurts our kids. Then it is gloves off.

I know it stinks to watch, but he needs to work it out in his own head and decide when enough is enough. Sorry for you. I have been there and done that for years and yes, it is very tiring.

 

[eliza61]

My advice is to instead of getting mad at MIL and your DH put your energy into supporting your dh. Trust me it is so much better to approach it that way.

When my dh complained or was in pain over his family, I would give a hug and reassurance that it will be OK.

This makes him feel good and you feel good as well instead of stewing.

Anyway that is our remedy here.

Great Advice MM!

Op, I'll add my hug for your dh and you. Remind your dh that he is a wonderful guy and remember unfortunately mommy dearest is probably not going to change.

Isn't family wonderful at times. If it's any consolation I have family members (my side though) who I've been trying to disown for the last 30 years.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I've been doing that to his face... I am TOTALLY, 100% on his side, but it angers me when he is so forgiving. He just asked he, "When is Mother's Day, anyways?" after a Hallmark commercial came on. I WANTED to say, "Oh, in case your mom decides to call you by then, so she can get a gift?" But I just told him the date...

Thanks for the good advice and the . I will keep it in mind.

I understand the anger, afterall I used to do that way back when. All the pitfalls and mistakes of making myself miserable over IL issues.

Sounds like you are handling it very well if you are on his side! Keep it up.

 

[hereyago]

Stay out of it. They are both getting something out of it because if they weren't at least one of them would stop the madness.

 

[Brit17]

There. This was kind of a vent, but I am open to any suggestions from others with crazy MIL's.[/B]

well, unfortunately, I can be included in that club, but I can also include crazy FIL's, BIL's, SIL's, etc., - very sad but true ...my DH's family are the PROS when it comes to "not speaking to each other" ... it can be for the silliest of reasons that cause them to stop talking to each other, and I'm not just saying for a couple of days, but for years ... this kind of behavior was so new to me when I first met my DH because my family is so completely opposite .. we just get mad at each other, say our peace, and then get over it and move on ... so needless to say, because of my upbringing, for the past 20 years, I have always tried to be the peacemaker in my DH's family ... well, long story short, after 20 years, I have finally learned, to just let my DH handle things with his family in his way, and just support him in whatever decision he makes, (whether I agree with it or not ) ... I have found that by doing this, it has caused much less stress, and arguing, in our home ... I just wish I had realized this sooner ...

Hang in there and best wishes to you ...

 

[hereyago]

My DM is the original crazy train. With that said, I myself have learned to not engage when she gets in her moods. People her whole life have enabled her to behave a certain way even my DF, however I don't enable her and she does try an occasional thing to set me off, but I have dd11 to raise, I am not interested in a 76 yo's games.

My Daunt and her still go at it and then wanted to tell me their sides of the story. I finally told them to go to the store and get some Rockem Sockem Robots and get it out that way because I was tired of hearing it.

 

[Buckalew11]

My first thought is why did you marry a man like this? But that sounds mean and I do not mean it to be mean. I just wonder...did you not notice this behavior before you married into it?

From there I would just say I do not fool around with people who "aren't speaking to me". Fine, don't. Your loss. I don't need the drama or the headache. It sounds like a game, one they both enjoy for some strange reason. Honestly, I could not live like that.

It is between them and you should support him. But honestly, until he stands up to her, speaks his mind and stands his ground, the games will continue.

 

[Liberty Belle]

My advice is to instead of getting mad at MIL and your DH put your energy into supporting your dh. Trust me it is so much better to approach it that way.

When my dh complained or was in pain over his family, I would give a hug and reassurance that it will be OK.

This makes him feel good and you feel good as well instead of stewing.

Anyway that is our remedy here.

Excellent advice.

 

[Magic Mom]

I agree with the PP that advises to let them work it out. DH and his family handle things completely opposite then the way my family handles things. When we first got married, I thought that were crazy and it drove me up the wall the way his mother "treated" him. After many years I came to the realization that this is just how they worked. They are loud. They don't hide feelings. They yell and then it's done with....about everything. I'm used to it now and it doesn't bother me. In fact when I'm with them, I take on their dysfunction as my own. It was just easier to give in.

 

[JimmyPicker]

I have a MIL like that. Luckily, though, my husband tries to be a good son to her, but he doesn't let things get too far. He'll tell her to stop being a drama queen, and she'll get mad for a few days, but eventually, she's back to whining to him about how bad her this situation or that one is.

 

[kimmar067]

...you need a hug...

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am sending hugs to the both of you!!!!

I will go a bit further than to say 'do not get in the middle... just support your DH'.

If you really want to support your DH, I think it will take more than understanding and hugs... Is there any way that you could get this addressed by a counselor or therapist. There have been many threads here on the DIS, and I can remember one last year where some excellent books for people with parents like this were recommended.

Clearly, your DH is enabling his mother's behavior...
And, by simply offering hugs - you are then enabling him to enable her...

Also, I wonder how this is affecting you and your marriage, and your family. Something tells me that you all are not completely isolated and protected from MIL and her behavior.

Again....

 

[AKL_Megs]

Thanks everyone! Feeling better after venting... now we wait for the phone call. I know it'll come before Mom's Day... she can't not get a gift for EVERY occasion. Spoiled. I just wish DH would be a man and give her a taste of her own medicine... but I know he won't. If I suggest it, he might , but like most have said, "Stay Out" .

 

[AKL_Megs]

I am MAD at my MIL for constantly treating my DH like crap, and I am MAD at my DH for constantly TAKING her crap.

I won't go into the details on my MIL. You just have to trust me. She is one of the "crazy" ones.

She has done this before, and once again, my MIL is not speaking to my DH.

He didn't do anything wrong, other than not call her 20 times a day, every day. I don't blame him. Any time he calls her, the conversations turn to how terrible her life is, how nobody will help her, how nobody wants to talk to her, and how hard life is for her. Trust me, none of the above are true. She lives off of her DBF's dime, collects social security AND rent from a rental property, and has the help of anyone she asks. Anything in her life that is "terrible" or "hard" is by her own doing.

My DH thinks that THIS TIME, she is mad and not speaking to him because he can't call her when he is working, which is the only time she has to talk to him. (He works nights, she subsequently sleeps during the day.) With this in mind, he usually only talks to her a couple times a week.

The last time he called her to talk, she was preoccupied with a friend and "couldn't talk", and he didn't call her back later. He called the day before and of Easter to invite her over, but she didn't answer the phone or respond to his messages. She hasn't called him back yet.

She does this all of the time, and my stupid DH ALWAYS goes running back the second she calls him, and the cycle begins again.

Right now, he is telling me, "I don't care that she isn't calling," and "I am going to play her game right along with her," but I know it bothers him and he wishes she would call.

I am so tired of sitting back and watching her walk all over him. I am so sick of watching him act like nothing happened the second she calls back.

There. This was kind of a vent, but I am open to any suggestions from others with crazy MIL's.

Just thought I would update this thread... it seemed a little slow around here tonight. There is nothing quite as entertaining as a good MIL story.

DH's mom DID call him back, about a week after my OP (see above). The phone conversation was TERRIBLE. I thought she would call and say, "Let's forget this, it's not worth it," which is what she usually does. THIS time, she called and started up again.

My husband is a "terrible man". He is a "terrible son". He "doesn't do anything to help her", but can do this and that for HIS house. (Um... yeah...)

She basically trash talked him for about 10 minutes, bringing back all sorts of stupid things, even things that happened last YEAR! Then the crocodile tears came. She started with how "she did so much for him" when he was a child and how "terrible her childhood was" and how he apparently owes her for providing for him when he was a child. Oh boy, it got REAL intense.

Then she started bashing DH again. That is when he told her, basically, that she is obviously not interested in any real kind of relationship with him, and that he won't be guilt tripped anymore. He told her that he wasn't interested in speaking with her anymore, that he had better things to do than constantly be put down by her, and guilt tripped, and that he isn't interested in a relationship with her if she chooses to treat him like that, and told her goodbye.

She has since deleted us as friends on Facebook. I guess she showed us!

I am SO glad that DH finally stood up for himself. I am really thinking that he is starting to GET it.

I just wish MIL would realize how stupidly she is acting, before she screws up any relationship she might have with her ONLY child, and potentially, any relationship with ANY and ALL grandchildren she might have one day. It's really a shame.

I feel like I am in this really awkward place now. I am on his side, telling him what he is doing is right, not to take his mom's crap. At the same time, I feel he might resent me one day.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That is because you are cheering him on for being mean to his mother instead of taking my advice of just giving him a hug and telling him it will be OK.

Remove yourself from her drama. I know it is hard because you are completely pissed at her for being a witch to him.

Just tell him it will be OK, instead of telling him you are doing the "right thing". It will make you and him feel better.

 

[Gigi22]

Nope--guilt is a waste of time when you are dealing with the manipulators of the world. It won't do you any good, just harm, so don't go there. I would say you are now in the worry-free, guilt-free zone. And, may I suggest you and your DH kick back and enjoy?

 

[AKL_Megs]

That is because you are cheering him on for being mean to his mother instead of taking my advice of just giving him a hug and telling him it will be OK.

Remove yourself from her drama. I know it is hard because you are completely pissed at her for being a witch to him.

Just tell him it will be OK, instead of telling him you are doing the "right thing". It will make you and him feel better.

You are dead on. It is just so hard, because she is getting EXACTLY what she deserves. I will try hard and think of you when I feel like it is time to start again...

Nope--guilt is a waste of time when you are dealing with the manipulators of the world. It won't do you any good, just harm, so don't go there. I would say you are now in the worry-free, guilt-free zone. And, may I suggest you and your DH kick back and enjoy?

I am secretly REALLY enjoying the peace. Maybe too much!