I've had it with him!!!

[Miss Jasmine]

wvjules: Lets' not get carried away. The OP may be a bit over the top...possessive, whatever, but that wasn't necessary was it?

I have to admit, I got the same vibes as wvjules.

 

[diznygirl]

Hey, I'm with the OP on this! The nerve of her BIL thinking he could have his own happy life! He should dump the bimbo and get back to being a doormat for the rest of the family!

I think you should just ambush him next time he comes home and let him have it. He's obviously not thinking straight, and you could help him get his priorities back in order. Let us know how it goes!

 

[It's A Happy Day]

I think people are getting the wrong impression. I am not trying to be a pain and I am VERY happy my BIL has found someone - all I have ever wanted for him is to be happy and he definitely seems to be happier. I have never been a central part of his life - I have always been his brothers wife and we have had minimal contact (family functions, running into him when I go visit my inlaws) since my dh and I started dating years ago so I am defnitely not jealous that he is not a part of my life as he has never been a big part of my life. I have my own brothers and sisters and am close to them - we talk at least weekly and we are a close family. My husbands family is close in 1 sense but not emotionally so. They do not discuss feelings, relationships, etc. Their conversations revolve around on what is going on elsewhere - in the world, sports, the weather, etc. They can count on each other to be there but they do not discuss feelings so it is difficult for my husband and his parents to ask questions. Also my brother in law has always been more of on the defensive side so they are afraid he will totally shut them out and think they are being intrusive or nosy, so they will not ask him anything they are waiting for him to make the next move. We would love to welcome his new SO into the family if he would only give us the opportunity. He only recently - within the last week - started mentioning going to eat at certain places, doing certain things but we don't even know her name and noone wants to push it. It's like he is keeping the 2 worlds apart. My only issue is he no longer has any time for my husband - his only sibling. Yes I have explained to the kids that their uncle has someone new in his life right now and he wants to spend time with this person. But I can see it is difficult for them to understand why he is never around anymore when they saw him so much before. Why can't he take 1 hour a week to hang out at home - he wouldn't have to travel to see my dh or children as they go to this house several times a week - and he does come home everyday to drop off his work vehicle and get his car. He wouldn't have to cancel his plans with this other person but meet up an hour later. I really don't intend on having a screaming match with him but I do want him to know that his brother would like to spend some time with him. I just don't know at this point if I would be better off keeping my mouth shut like the rest of his family or opening the lines of communication.

 

[CookieGVB]

I agree with the others. Be happy for him for now. Have your DH do stuff with you and your kids, instead of his brother.

You also said his family doesn't discuss feelings. His response about the cat would be in line with this, then, and probably wouldn't have been any different if he weren't in a relationship.

Once the "newness" of the relationship has worn off, I'm sure he'll be spending more time with his family. Back off...and breathe...

 

[Crankyshank]

But again, why is it necessary for him to make an extra effort to spend time with your husband? I haven't seen my brother in several months or my sister since August - I'm not calling them and complaining because they are busy in their lives and don't make an effort to see me.

People get wrapped up in their lives, especially when they are in a new relationship. Be happy for him. If your husband feels neglected, have him give his brother a call. Or invite them both over for dinner.

 

[Aimeedyan]

I think people are getting the wrong impression. I am not trying to be a pain and I am VERY happy my BIL has found someone - all I have ever wanted for him is to be happy and he definitely seems to be happier. I have never been a central part of his life - I have always been his brothers wife and we have had minimal contact (family functions, running into him when I go visit my inlaws) since my dh and I started dating years ago so I am defnitely not jealous that he is not a part of my life as he has never been a big part of my life. I have my own brothers and sisters and am close to them - we talk at least weekly and we are a close family. My husbands family is close in 1 sense but not emotionally so. They do not discuss feelings, relationships, etc. Their conversations revolve around on what is going on elsewhere - in the world, sports, the weather, etc. They can count on each other to be there but they do not discuss feelings so it is difficult for my husband and his parents to ask questions. Also my brother in law has always been more of on the defensive side so they are afraid he will totally shut them out and think they are being intrusive or nosy, so they will not ask him anything they are waiting for him to make the next move. We would love to welcome his new SO into the family if he would only give us the opportunity. He only recently - within the last week - started mentioning going to eat at certain places, doing certain things but we don't even know her name and noone wants to push it. It's like he is keeping the 2 worlds apart. My only issue is he no longer has any time for my husband - his only sibling. Yes I have explained to the kids that their uncle has someone new in his life right now and he wants to spend time with this person. But I can see it is difficult for them to understand why he is never around anymore when they saw him so much before. Why can't he take 1 hour a week to hang out at home - he wouldn't have to travel to see my dh or children as they go to this house several times a week - and he does come home everyday to drop off his work vehicle and get his car. He wouldn't have to cancel his plans with this other person but meet up an hour later. I really don't intend on having a screaming match with him but I do want him to know that his brother would like to spend some time with him. I just don't know at this point if I would be better off keeping my mouth shut like the rest of his family or opening the lines of communication.

Hm, so you are serious.

If it's your DH that misses him, why the heck are you getting involved? My husband would kill me if I went and spoke on his behalf to his sibling. That's not my business - he's a grown man and can figure out the best way for him to tell his sibiling that he wants to spend more time with him. That sounds very junior high to me, to go and fight his battle for him.

If he cares enough, he'll call his brother up and ask him to meet him for a movie or something. I'd stay out of it.

 

[DemonLlama]

My husbands family is close in 1 sense but not emotionally so. They do not discuss feelings, relationships, etc. Their conversations revolve around on what is going on elsewhere - in the world, sports, the weather, etc. They can count on each other to be there but they do not discuss feelings so it is difficult for my husband and his parents to ask questions. . . . I just don't know at this point if I would be better off keeping my mouth shut like the rest of his family or opening the lines of communication.

The problem seems to lie between giving him a piece of your mind (as you stated in the OP) and what you've said above. It's not the same thing.

I come from a family that does not discuss emotions or relationships easily, so I can identify with the frustration of being a person who wishes more could be said and shared. This would enable you to get your DH and his brother and his brother's new love together easily, rather than feeling like you have to become 007 to even find out her name.

But the main issue here seems, at least to me, that you are wanting to spare DH more pain. Rarely getting to spend time with someone so important in his life, coupled with the loss of a pet, has got to be hard, and I know I tend to get more upset over my DH's emotional pain than my own -- I just want to protect him.

Hugs and hopes that you can contain your frustration and try to really open the lines of communication in the family rather than getting angry.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

all I have ever wanted for him is to be happy and he definitely seems to be happier.

so the problem is?

I just don't know at this point if I would be better off keeping my mouth shut like the rest of his family or opening the lines of communication.

Invite him over for dinner next week and leave the option open for him to bring a guest. But as far as a giving him a piece of you mind lecture because he didn't adequately comfort your DH on the death of the family cat.....

you are just setting yourself up to be a future crazy in-law story on the DIS.

 

[It's A Happy Day]

The problem seems to lie between giving him a piece of your mind (as you stated in the OP) and what you've said above. It's not the same thing.

I come from a family that does not discuss emotions or relationships easily, so I can identify with the frustration of being a person who wishes more could be said and shared. This would enable you to get your DH and his brother and his brother's new love together easily, rather than feeling like you have to become 007 to even find out her name.

But the main issue here seems, at least to me, that you are wanting to spare DH more pain. Rarely getting to spend time with someone so important in his life, coupled with the loss of a pet, has got to be hard, and I know I tend to get more upset over my DH's emotional pain than my own -- I just want to protect him.

Hugs and hopes that you can contain your frustration and try to really open the lines of communication in the family rather than getting angry.

Finally someone who understands what I am trying to say. Last night when I originally posted I was upset because I called home and my husband was so upset on the phone and I got all worked up. Now after calming down and trying to think rationally I would never go off on his brother because it is his brother not mine but it bothers me to see my husband so down and I don't know what to do.

 

[mickeyboat]

I have to agree with most of the other posters. Don't say anything to BIL. Blowing up at him will only push him further away. It is really not your place to interfere with your DH's relationship with his brother. If your DH wants to bring it up, let him.

I think it would be pretty easy for you to address the issue in a kind and caring manner without causing WWIII in DH's family. Tell him your family has really been missing him, and that you are excited to meet his girlfriend. Try to make some plans in an atmosphere where he will not be threatened - maybe go out to dinner, see a movie together, etc. Maybe she would be uncomfortable on your turf, so to speak, so a neutral location may be better.

I do have to mention, that I wonder if there is something your BIL is hiding about his new relationship that he is afraid to share with his family. Even when a relationship is new and you want to spend every moment together, you still want to introduce the person to the people you love. Maybe he needs an unthreatening opportunity to let you in on what is going on.

And about the kids, I am sure they are missing their uncle and have lots of questions, but children are resilient and adapt well to new situations.

Denae

Good luck to you.

Denae

 

[bubie2.5]

Biting my lips... biting really hard.

 

[DemonLlama]

Finally someone who understands what I am trying to say. Last night when I originally posted I was upset because I called home and my husband was so upset on the phone and I got all worked up. Now after calming down and trying to think rationally I would never go off on his brother because it is his brother not mine but it bothers me to see my husband so down and I don't know what to do.

Venting is perfect if it helps you realize you don't really mean it. And what better place to vent than to 10,000 strangers? As long as you can let some of the responses roll off, this is a good place to say thing you really wouldn't want to say to anyone you know. Hope things look up for you DH -- he's got a good help mate.

 

[MrsNick]

I have to agree with most of the other posters. Don't say anything to BIL. Blowing up at him will only push him further away. It is really not your place to interfere with your DH's relationship with his brother. If your DH wants to bring it up, let him.

I think it would be pretty easy for you to address the issue in a kind and caring manner without causing WWIII in DH's family. Tell him your family has really been missing him, and that you are excited to meet his girlfriend. Try to make some plans in an atmosphere where he will not be threatened - maybe go out to dinner, see a movie together, etc. Maybe she would be uncomfortable on your turf, so to speak, so a neutral location may be better.

I do have to mention, that I wonder if there is something your BIL is hiding about his new relationship that he is afraid to share with his family. Even when a relationship is new and you want to spend every moment together, you still want to introduce the person to the people you love. Maybe he needs an unthreatening opportunity to let you in on what is going on.

And about the kids, I am sure they are missing their uncle and have lots of questions, but children are resilient and adapt well to new situations.

Denae

Good luck to you.

Denae

 

[Tigger&Belle]

As you've already figured out, I would not talk to the BIL, but encourage your DH to mention to his brother that he'd like to spend a little time with him and that the kids miss seeing him. I would also do what I mentioned in my first post and invite him over for dinner, with his new girlfriend if he wants to bring her.

 

[Bumbles]

We would love to welcome his new SO into the family if he would only give us the opportunity. He only recently - within the last week - started mentioning going to eat at certain places, doing certain things but we don't even know her name and noone wants to push it. It's like he is keeping the 2 worlds apart.

If he's not even mentioning names, it could be because it may not be "her" name...it could be "his" name and he's uncomfortable coming out to you guys.

My condolences on the loss of your DH's cat

 

[bubie2.5]

If he's not even mentioning names, it could be because it may not be "her" name...it could be "his" name and he's uncomfortable coming out to you guys.

My condolences on the loss of your DH's cat

 

[LynnTH]

I tend to agree with the other posters also. But, just a little more input. I have an older brother who didn't date much and when he did he was very private about it. We didn't meet his girlfriend (now his wife) for quite a while. I think he wanted to make sure it was going somewhere before introducing her to the family (we have a rather large extended family). He did it in his own time, heck we didn't even know he was dating someone for a couple of months. Maybe he just wants to make sure the relationship is strong and stable and heading somewhere before he brings her around. Just a thought.

 

[Independent]

never mind - bad idea

 

[zippeedee]

If he's not even mentioning names, it could be because it may not be "her" name...it could be "his" name and he's uncomfortable coming out to you guys.

My condolences on the loss of your DH's cat

I was thinking either that or drug problem. The first being infinitely preferable. Just the fact that everyone is avoiding asking any questions makes me think they know more than they want to admit.
This is EXACTLY what happened before my best friend "came out" to his family.
Give him time and make sure he knows you're all there for him no matter what. No matter who he's seeing, if the relationship ends it could be a tough return to the old family routine if there are hard feelings.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

You need to let him have his time with his SO. When he's ready he will let you all know about her. Also he doesn't need to make time for you guys. It sounds harsh but it's true. Just let him have his fun and enjoy his life. eventually the newness of a relationship wears and he will be ready to incorporate her into his other life.

DH and i kept our relationship seperate from our family lives and it made our relationship so much stronger.