I've gotten so much help with my FIL situation. Thanks!!

[CaliforniaDreamin]

My MIL died at the age of 83 on Thursday. My FIL is 82 and has always relied on her to take care of him. Their kids are all adults (my DH is the baby and he is 37) but they all have jobs and kids and/or grandkids. It's Sunday and there is no one we can call and everyone is worried, trying to come up with a way to keep him in the house and be taken care of. He doesn't have any medical issues that require constant attention, but he has recently lost his drivers license due to poor eyesight. This is in the state of NC, I have no clue how this works. He needs someone to help with basic household chores, meals and dr appts. Is it possible he could qualify for some sort of help? He has no income other than SS. He spent all his savings burying my MIL. I just need some kind of idea so I can tell his kids this is something we can look into. I tried to google, but everything that came up was ads for Assisted Living places. I'm just so exhausted and cant think straight. None of us can. The oldest son died unexpectedly 4 weeks to the day before my MIL died and we hadn't even gotten close to processing that and then my MIL died. Please don't jump on me for not googling better. I really just need someone kind to give me some guidance. I know I can call someone tomorrow, but our family is going crazy trying to figure something out today.

 

[focusondisney]

I'm so sorry about the loss of your MIL & BIL. Unfortunately, I don't think you'll get any answers today.

But tomarrow, I'd check if your area has an "office for the aging", senior services or something along those lines. Look in the phone book or google those.

I work in a hospital & know we set patients up with home care services all the time. But insurance/ medicare has limits. They usually don't provide these things unless there is a medical need. Again, try to google home nursing agancies. They also provide nurse's aides who can do light chores, like luandry.

Is there any church he belongs to? They might know of an individual who can be hired by the family to help FIL out.

Good luck getting it sorted out..

 

[mamacatnv]

There is an organization called "A place for Mom". My SIL's family consulted them for some help with an elderly relative. This was in California, so not sure they could help but they might be a starting point. http://www.aplaceformom.com/

I had/have several issues with my Mother and in the beginning I contacted Adult Protective Services (thru the county social services dept) they pointed me in the direction of a Sr. Advocate that helped us negotiate the options available. Here is the website for NC Social Services: http://www.dhhs.state.nc.us/dss/

Meals on Wheels is a nation wide organization that can help with meals and often many churches, Sr. centers etc. have Sr. outreach programs to help with shuttling Sr.s to appts, the market etc.
Here is Meals on Wheels NC: http://www.mealcall.org/meals-on-wheels/nc/index.htm

There are also home helper services like "Home Instead" but they can be spendy and with such limited income it might not be financially feasible. Here is an organization that I used in Oregon, they have a NC Branch. http://www.homeinstead.com/303/Pages/HomeInsteadSeniorCare.aspx

These might get you off to a start. I'm sorry for the losses your family has experienced.

 

[wdwfan16]

Why can't the children help out and also teach him to be more independent?

 

[Breezy_Carol]

I am a home health physical therapist.

If FIL doesn't have any medical needs, medicare will not cover any home health care. And if he does have medical needs, they cover the medical care but not the non-medical care which is what it sounds like he will need.

Your local department on aging is a good place to start for resources.

Home Instead is an example of a non-medical home health agency that offers companions, etc. At least you can see the type of service they offer. These are not cheap, usually $17 - $20 per hour.

Another suggestion is getting some sort of lifeline. You know the commercials, "Help I've fallen and I can't get up." They are different in different communities.

Another thing might be an adult day care where he could go and be with other elders during the day. Often they help with med compliance and a midday meals. Or look into meals on wheels. Again, different communities have different names for it.

Good luck.

 

[tar heel]

He's not going to qualify for home heath care since that is a medical program that requires extensive certification if Medicare is going to pay for it. Since you said he doesn't have any real health problems, I can't see him qualifying. My dad has lots of health programs, and he only qualifies for home health care when he has a hospitalization or some kind of major issue and then it's generally for a few weeks..

I agree with the poster who said to call the county aging office where he lives. Someone there will be able to tell you what services, if any, are available to him.

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

Why can't the children help out and also teach him to be more independent?

They all want to, and they are now. But it's not practical. We are all already exhausted. Some of them live miles away, some have their own health problems (these "children" are in their late 40's up to late 50's with the exception of my DH). He is 82. He is frail. He cannot take care of himself. There is absolutely no way he can be "trained". He had a triple bypass a few years ago. He cannot see well, and as a result, lost his license. The death of his wife of 62 years is more than likely going to have devastated health effects in itself. If he lives the rest of the year I will be shocked. He lost his first born child and his wife in 4 weeks.This is not a situation where someone can be trained to cook, clean, pay bills, etc. Independence is not an option.
But thanks for your input, it was valuable.

 

[DebbieB]

It sounds like he does have medical needs, so I would contact social services for guidance.

 

[mamacatnv]

Why can't the children help out and also teach him to be more independent?

In an ideal world this might be an option but teaching independence to an 80+ year old person who can no longer drive and just lost his spouse of I am assuming many years does not IMO seem like a reasonable expectation.

Experience has taught me that just because there is family does not mean that there is help available.

People are busy, don't want to go out of their way, don't want to take on additional committments, feel they can't offer what the person needs etc. The list is endless.........

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

He's not going to qualify for home heath care since that is a medical program that requires extensive certification if Medicare is going to pay for it. Since you said he doesn't have any real health problems, I can see him qualifying. My dad has lots of health programs, and he only qualifies for home health care when he has a hospitalization or some kind of major issue and then it's generally for a few weeks..

I agree with the poster who said to call the county aging office where he lives. Someone there will be able to tell you what services, if any, are available to him.

Thanks for the info. I'm hoping the loss of vision might be enough to get him some assistance. Hypothetically, if he did not have any family, he could starve to death because he cannot drive. He is also on heart meds and blood pressure meds that he previously used to drive to pick up. Now this is not an option. He lost his licence July 3, so he doesn't need renewals yet. Of course, we can and will take care of making sure he has food and his meds, but does Medicare automatically assume because there are children who live within a 20-30 mile distance that he wouldn't need help? That's rhetorical. But thanks for telling me about your dad. It gives me an indication this might not be an easy process at all. And thats what we need, some reality. I know his heart dr. is a very good man and I think he *may* prescribe some sort of assistance. Again, thanks for the info, I'll pass along your story to the family so we will know what we might be up against.

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

I am a home health physical therapist.

If FIL doesn't have any medical needs, medicare will not cover any home health care. And if he does have medical needs, they cover the medical care but not the non-medical care which is what it sounds like he will need.

Your local department on aging is a good place to start for resources.

Home Instead is an example of a non-medical home health agency that offers companions, etc. At least you can see the type of service they offer. These are not cheap, usually $17 - $20 per hour.

Another suggestion is getting some sort of lifeline. You know the commercials, "Help I've fallen and I can't get up." They are different in different communities.

Another thing might be an adult day care where he could go and be with other elders during the day. Often they help with med compliance and a midday meals. Or look into meals on wheels. Again, different communities have different names for it.

Good luck.

I know he has some medical problems, most people that age do (oh that sounded so snarky, but I swear it's not meant to be!!!). But I honestly don't know to what extent they are. I do know that he cannot take care of himself. Everything else is just a guessing game. Thanks for the luck, sounds like we will need it.

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

These might get you off to a start. I'm sorry for the losses your family has experienced.

Thank you SO much. I'm printing this out so I can make copies and share with the rest of the family. Thank you for your condolences. This has been unbelievably difficult. 4 weeks to the day....I still can't believe it. None of us can.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I would look into either assisted living or a nursing home for him. He will need to sell the home--if he owns it--and then use that money to pay for his care. Once it is gone, he can apply for medicaid (must be below $2000 in checking/savings combined). He can use part of the proceeds from the sale of his home to buy a prepaid burial plan and plot.

This might be the best option for you. Home care is very, very expensive it is needed over a 24 hour period. It sounds like he really shouldn't be on his own any more.

Making the decision to move fil to an assisted living--which he may not be able to do if he cannot do much of his own care--or nursing home is tough, but it is often the best decision for the elderly person as well as the extended family.

We just did this for my mom. It was tough to do but she is much happier there, gets nutritious meals every day, has activities and I don't have to worry about her not eating, falling, etc. It has saved my sanity and my family as well.

 

[wdwfan16]

In an ideal world this might be an option but teaching independence to an 80+ year old person who can no longer drive and just lost his spouse of I am assuming many years does not IMO seem like a reasonable expectation.

Experience has taught me that just because there is family does not mean that there is help available.

People are busy, don't want to go out of their way, don't want to take on additional committments, feel they can't offer what the person needs etc. The list is endless.........

My grandfather died leaving his wife of 60 years, who did not drive. Her children and grandchildren, who all lived 2.5 + hours away would come into town to take her for groceries, to the Dr., to the bank and helped with selling the house. One year later she moved in with her daughter and live there until she died of cancer. It can be done because we did it.

 

[mickeyboat]

Is he a veteran by chance? The VA may offer some assistance.

 

[mamacatnv]

My grandfather died leaving his wife of 60 years, who did not drive. Her children and grandchildren, who all lived 2.5 + hours away would come into town to take her for groceries, to the Dr., to the bank and helped with selling the house. One year later she moved in with her daughter and live there until she died of cancer. It can be done because we did it.

That is not teaching independence as the PP suggested. Great that your family pulled together but you said it yourself, she moved in with her daughter. The OP has stated that the family is busy and older with their own obligations. She is looking for resources.

 

[wdwfan16]

That is not teaching independence as the PP suggested. Great that your family pulled together but you said it yourself, she moved in with her daughter. The OP has stated that the family is busy and older with their own obligations. She is looking for resources.

She did learn to be independent since she lived for a year on her own.

The children were in their 60s and they had children and grandkids just like the OP.

The family is the resource he needs or they have to pay for his needs.

 

[TinkerbelleAbbysMom]

Just wanted to share hugs and warm thoughts. My family has been through this with both my grandparents. My mom's mom moved in with us as a teenager. My dad's dad and mom lived on their own until he died christmas morning 2 yrs ago. We had been looking at our options as he and Meemaw were both in their 80s. They had been married for 60+ yrs as well. We had the hospital social workers helping with assisted living options. Thankfully for us finances were not an issue. Then when he died, Meemaw just moved in with my oldest Aunt. BUt I admit 1.5 yrs later, she is very tired. That is a hard move, especially when you are dealing with someone with poor eyesight and dementia. I don't think she even really knows who my aunt is, which is sad.
I think aside from checking with these other suggestions, maybe even contact his physician. They may know of options that would need physician input anyway.

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

My grandfather died leaving his wife of 60 years, who did not drive. Her children and grandchildren, who all lived 2.5 + hours away would come into town to take her for groceries, to the Dr., to the bank and helped with selling the house. One year later she moved in with her daughter and live there until she died of cancer. It can be done because we did it.

I'm very happy your grandmother was able to live on her own. I have to bring up, once again, that they lost their son unexpectedly one month before. This has major mental and physical reprecussions on ones health, especially the elderly who both had heart problems. I appreciate you trying to tell me it can be done, but I politely will tell you once again that in this situation it cannot and will not happen. My FIL refuses to sell the house, has exhausted all his savings on his wifes burial. Again, great for your grandma. But I think she is the exception, not the rule. Every situation is different. I didn't come on here challenging that it can't be done by others. I think you may have misunderstood or else you wouldn't have said "it can be done, because we did it". I listed specifics that you seemed to have skimmed over. I would never be so cruel to anyone who came on here distraught and upset and purposely try and argue with them. You asked questions in your first post I had already answered. You are picking a fight for fun. I am not going to continue to to engage in this conversation with you as you seem to enjoy the fact that you are upsetting someone who came here asking for help. And frankly, I don't care if you write a 10 page thesis on why this man who you have never met, along with his children and grandchildren who you have never met can make do without assistance. I don't care what you think. You haven't offered anything but additional stress. Thanks for that. I practically begged for kindness in my OP.

WHY is there always at least one on every thread??? Cuz it's the Dis.
I guess if there weren't evil, we wouldn't recognize good. Thank you for everyone who has actually offered useful advice and not tried to convice me that my FIL needs to get over it, hop out of bed and enroll in community college. If that seems harsh, so be it. I don't need people who come on here purposely looking for people who are vulnerable so they can be cruel. But I did get some great info from everyone else. Thank you for your assistance. It will certainly be a benefit to my family.

 

[mamacatnv]

She did learn to be independent since she lived for a year on her own.

The children were in their 60s and they had children and grandkids just like the OP.

The family is the resource he needs or they have to pay for his needs.

Really. Like I said, in an ideal world. No one HAS to pay for his needs. Regardless of what you might think, relatives are not obligated to care for other members of their families and often don't. Like I said, its great your family pulled together for your grandmother, but to think that all families can or will do the same is unrealistic.

OP - Sorry, don't want to get this thread off track.

I agree with posters who have mentioned some sort of residential care ie assisted living. He probably is not in need of a nursing home at this point, they are totally different types of facilities.

The hard part is that he has lost so much in the past few weeks including his ability to drive. Expect some confusion, depression, anger and even unreasonable stubbornness. His whole world has turned upside down. Right now you need some immediate help so that you can all sort out the long term plan.

Not sure if it is an option, but if he is able to live on his own and owns his home, a reverse mortgage might be something to look into. They can be expensive but they can also provide him with needed funds to remain in his home.

Again, my condolences, its going to be a rough patch for awhile, but you will all come up with some sort of solution that will work.