It's the thought that counts?

[Starbrite]

I understand that "it's the thought that counts" And I KNOW I'm probably going to get flamed for this & called ungrateful but..... My Ex-H does NOT know his own kids at all & it secretly drives me bonkers!!!

DS13 - He likes video games, music, sports, clothes & puzzle/mind-challenging stuff. He received crayons, a coloring book, a stuffed dog, and size 8 jeans (he has some boys 18 but usually wears a mens 29).

DD8 - She likes reading, arts & crafts, fashion, music. She received pretend kitchen-type food, a baby doll & stroller set. She has never played with a baby doll in her life. (he lived here, he knows that) I don't know why, she's just never been one of those "mommy" types of girls.

I'm glad he took them & spent time with them on Christmas. That's what matters to me. But it's like he just ran thru the store, loading the cart up with random stuff, with no actual thought of the recipient.

If money was an issue, I understand - but he could've given DD the coloring book & DS a rubiks cube or soccer ball. That would've fit their personalities perfect for less than $10.

I've raised them to be polite and thankful - so I have no doubt they did the right thing when they opened the gifts. However, after they got home, I could tell they were a little disappointed.

Thanks for listening tonight. I had to get this off my chest. Please know I would never say any of this around my kids.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

FTR--the phrase applies to only to those who put thought in the gift.

It can be incredibly disappointing to a child when the person who should know them the most is so off the charts off base and it is only natural to wonder if any thought was utilized at all.

I dealt with that with my dad and step-mom growing up.

I got the most interesting of gifts. I will say thought was put into them b/c a large number of items, no matter how ill fitting or just not my style they were--were homemade and well by my step-mom. Her fashion sense is off, but she is great at sewing and aside from the absence of a label...it is really good handiwork.

However, I had many a disappointing birthdays and crhistmasses with gifts from them b/c what they got--often did not suit me. Some times they'd hit the jackpot and I loved everything and then others.....

I'm not going to dog you for your disappointment. B/c if the kids are, it is only natural that you are b/c you can see they are hurt by the seeming lack of thought.

The only solution out of those types of troubles are gift lists...and really, I noly like those when they are specifically requested. But, you might consider a preemptive reminder next year on their current sizes and the things they like versus a specific list.


As the mom, just keep your chin up though, children learn by example.

I've grown to expect to be disappointed and now more often than not come away pleasantly surprised.

My gift from them was two maternity tops from target. But evidently--I got these, b/c my intended gift was delayed (no idea why)....and they didn't want me to not have anything under the tree from them. I did think that was very thoughtful.

 

[3prettyprincesses]

You know, it's not just ex-hubbies who have this problem! My dad bought me a pair of crazy long jeans when I was 11, like a foot longer than me! I had to cuff them and they looked ridiculous but I thanked him and hugged him. I was just happy he got me something from just him, you know? Then there was the year he enrolled me in gymnastics when I was 12. Nice thought except that I was uncoordinated and all the other girls there had been training since they were 4! Talk about embarassing. I dreaded that class every week until that stupid membership finally expired. But again, I hugged him and thanked him and was secretly pleased that at least my mom knows what I like!

 

[pyrxtc]

vent away !

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

In the two year gap between step moms DH's donated money in his name to the RNC. My DH was in college and trying to get a position as n intern in a Democratic senator's office. Seriously, his dad had no idea what DH's strong party affiliation is- and DH was a poli sci major in college. Not only does FIL have NO idea who DH is, he would be appaled and horrified if he found out!

 

[babytrees]

I dealt with that today also from my Grandma to me.....she gave everybody money to spend on themselves...except me...she also did it for my birthday...and she is so proud of herself for it. I went home sick not too long after that...but I made sure to be thankful on the outside even though I was crying on the inside.

 

[Evil Genius]

Maybe next year you should share their Christmas lists with your ex so that he has a clue what to get them.

 

[mumom95]

It annoys me when people use "it's the thought that counts" phrase. I think it should be "it's the effort that counts". Anyone can easily give it a "thought" as they are driving to where they need to be and have the thought "I need to get them something" and then run to grab the nearest item at the nearest store. But is that really what a gift is supposed to be?

 

[johamna]

aww that sucks..maybe including the gift receipts might have helped

 

[MrsPete]

Sounds like the gifts aren't so much un-thoughtful as MUCH TOO YOUNG for their ages. How long has he NOT lived with the children on a day-to-day basis? It sounds like he may still see them as the age when he moved out, failing to grasp that they've moved on to older interests.

I agree with the other poster who says that your best bet is to share wish lists with him next year to avoid this type of thing.

 

[Kitzka]

If it helps, i received a sponge for christmas from my mil. a yellow sea type sponge to use in the bath. there was no additional lotions, or such. it's very typical my MIL. What can you do?

lara

 

[disneyismyname]

If this makes you feel in any better...my father got me a fruit of the loom sweat outfit for Christmas...and he had the gall to say he wants to get my younger half-sister a Nitendo DS pretty soon...

 

[pipersmom]

: If things are unopened and you can tell where they came from..ie a wal-mart brand, etc, most places will take them back without a receipt. You'll get a gift card for the refund amount. My ex can also be clueless, and we've returned things many times and then I let dd pick out what she wants. The past two yrs it hasn't been an issue as I've gotten very list specific with him. I say..she really wants x, y, z and I'm getting x and y..can you get z please? I think it works well for both of us, but he might tell you differently, lol. Whens she goes to visit, I make a list of all the clothes she's taking so he can check them off as he re-packs her. I photocopy a list of all her meds, and a sheet with instructions on how to do them. The joke of it is I am not a very organized person except when it comes to this. Anyway, I'm sorry your kids had to deal with that.

 

[simonsmom]

my kids got stuff that is way too young &/or small for them from my in-laws. They smiled and said thank you. the stuff I can figure out where it came from we will exchange. The other stuff I offered to buy from them and it will pass it on as gifts for birthday presents,etc.. to younger kids

 

[shortbun]

OP, your husband is kinda a twit, isn't he? Now we know part of why he's an 'ex.' Would it be appropriate for you to discuss gifts with him? All the couples(ex) I know, split the kids Christmas list. Maybe next year, eh?

 

[nmmom95]

It's the thought that counts when Aunt Clara makes a pink bunny suit. When your kids are disappointed on Christmas by their father, you have every right to be upset. In order for the thought to count, there has to thought put into it. I agree with PP's who said tell him what to get next year.

 

[Feralpeg]

Some people are just clueless. OP, next year, why not give him a wish list from the kids. If he has specific things that the kids would enjoy to choose from, he might do a better job.

 

[JerseyJanice]

FWIW, my husband isn't an ex, but he had to shop for our son's Christmas presents, he would be just as clueless. The man rarely shops for anything and has no idea what to buy for anyone. Some people are just like that.

As was suggested by a PP, the kids can try to be proactive next year and give their dad a wish list. They need to know, though, that may not work out either. I have a relative who's not so good at shopping and even with a wish list, cannot manage to buy the right stuff.

 

[Starbrite]

Sounds like the gifts aren't so much un-thoughtful as MUCH TOO YOUNG for their ages. How long has he NOT lived with the children on a day-to-day basis? It sounds like he may still see them as the age when he moved out, failing to grasp that they've moved on to older interests.

I agree with the other poster who says that your best bet is to share wish lists with him next year to avoid this type of thing.

We've only been divorced 3 years. So even when DS was 10, he was beyond crayons & stuffed animals. He also does see them every week.

I didn't give him any sizes this year because he has never once bought any clothes so I just didn't think of it. But DS is clearly not an 8 He's a tall kid.

The first year, I wrote out a list for him. I told him exactly what I was buying & listed suggestions of other things they wanted as well as gifts that would go with things I was getting. Well he went out & bought everything I already had....nothing I suggested That was the last list I actually wrote down for him. I know he's asked them what they wanted (once while I was there) & they both offered up specific items.


Oh well, I think the kids understand. I told DS we could go exchange the jeans for a better size. I also told DD she should keep the baby doll for whenever my friends' DD3 comes over - she can help by playing with her.

OP, your husband is kinda a twit, isn't he? Now we know part of why he's an 'ex.'

Yep, You nailed it

 

[wdwtweets]

It's all just stuff...just things. Is he a good father otherwise? Keep that in perspective. And it does sound to me like he tried.