Its going to be ok, right?

[carone0318]

Anyway, I guess I will just have to wait and see what (if any) ADRs were made and enjoy wherever we go. As I said, my main concern is I don’t want to end up in a 2 hour line for Soarin on a red morning at Epcot when it could have been avoided with a few planning tips instead of just going by the seat of our pants. I guess I have six months to work on that.

I know that you are justing rolling with the punches right now, but why don't you tell her that you bought her a gift to help with her planning and let her in on your subscription to whatever tour guide site that you subscribed to. Tell her it has more up-to-date info than what she was working with. Tell her it will help pass time while she is at home this summer. Maybe this will put her on the same page that you are on. It seems like you do both think alike (restaurants and stuff) maybe she will read about the busy days and stuff.

Good luck!

 

[disykat]

I mentioned the 15 minutes - so I'll clarify. Our "state of the union address" did NOT happen right when dh got home. With the excitement of daddy coming home, dinner to fix, etc. that would have been a terrible time. For us, we usually made the time after dinner was cleaned up.

The point was, taking time for some adult discussion rather than letting it be all about the kids.

 

[solgent]

She proceeded to tell me how she sits at home all day penned up in the house with the kids. She says now that school is out she has no adults to talk to during the day, She is not working (She is a SAHM, but teaches preschool three mornings a week when school is in session), we don’t have a lot of extra money for her to take the kids places, she fusses at the kids all day because all they do is pick on each other (they are at that age), while she sits around and climbs the walls.

That is a tough situation for everyone-- for her obviously, and for you & kids that she's stressed. I was home with my 3 for a year and I made it a point to get out of the house each and every day. Nothing changes the my kids' moods and stops them from squabbling like being outdoors and/or away from home. We rarely spent any money at all. It was just a playground or storytime at the library or bookstore. We brought snacks with us. By doing these outings I made friends with other moms and began having playdates. However, she is the only one who can take these steps.

One weekend while she was out running errands me and the boys cleaned the house as a surprise for her. My thought was this is a nice gesture to take a load off of her. She got a bit upset and let me know that as a SAHM it is her job to take care of the house (her words, not mine), that she has so little to contribute around the house that when I do things like this I take that contribution away from her and make her feel useless. I said that’s ridiculous, that she does so much around the house she should never feel like that, but point taken and I haven’t done any house work in a long time.

I understand where she is coming from with this. I hate it when my husband does something for me and yet it's not at all what I want, it's what he thinks I want. I'm supposed to be grateful-- and I am grateful that he made that effort-- but I'm also feeling like his actions show that he doesn't know me (since he guessed wrong about what I wanted) and he doesn't care what I want (since he didn't ask, he just went ahead with his own assumptions). Recommendation: ask! DH usually does this now. He'll say, "I thought I'd do chore X. Is there anything else you think is high priority?" Of course if there's something specific I want him to do I'll mention it, not hope that he'll do it on his own.

We try to operate as a team. We each have a set of responsibilities but we'll fill in for each other when necessary. Long ago when we first had kids he commented, "We share the work, but that doesn't mean we each do 50%. It means we each do 100%." We both know we're going to put our best efforts towards the family and we can count on the other one to pick up any slack.

 

[veraletta]

Take it from me marriage is some thing you will always have to work at. Keeping the communication lines open is the best thing you can do for your marriage.
I’ve been married for 34 years and we always have to take time out to communicate.
I’m been a SAHM for most of our married life, it’s a hard job to stay home and take care of kids. You do feel worthless as you don’t get a pay check.
The work is hard because you never leave your job, only fun time is a vacation as you are away from work.

I was lucky as I was able to work at a job for about 8 years at home, and bringing in a little bit of money, but once that job was done by computers my job as home was gone.
I felt useless as I couldn’t bring in a pay check. For some reason no matter how small the money you bring home, it just makes you feel good about yourself.

Now that my kids are all grown up, I’ve had to start taking care of grandchildren; one daughter need to go back to school to help out with the money for her family, the other one her husband left her, so she had to go back to school to be able to take care of her and her son, as working as a waitress wasn’t going to cut it.
Thank god the last one will be done with school this month.
But that being said I have always had enjoyment out of life as for me, being able to stay home and take care of kids or grandkids has a lot of joys.
The problem is I just would like to bring in some money to feel better about my self.
No matter even if it’s a small check there is some self worth in bringing a pay check home.

You wrote:
She proceeded to tell me how she sits at home all day penned up in the house with the kids. She says now that school is out she has no adults to talk to during the day, She is not working.

God do I know how she feels, you do begin to feel like that you are penned up in the house, and I even felt like I was begin to talk like a child. LOL


You also wrote:
One weekend while she was out running errands me and the boys cleaned the house as a surprise for her. My thought was this is a nice gesture to take a load off of her. She got a bit upset and let me know that as a SAHM it is her job to take care of the house (her words, not mine), that she has so little to contribute around the house that when I do things like this I take that contribution away from her and make her feel useless. I said that’s ridiculous, that she does so much around the house she should never feel like that, but point taken and I haven’t done any house work in a long time.

I too felt like that when my husband tried to help out when I was younger, now that I’m older I really enjoy his help.
See this is her job, just like she said and when you helped her do her job it made her think, wonder why he is doing my job, does he think I can’t clean house right or does he want my job too. My husband was amazed my how much I had to do every day, cleaning, Cooking and being a taxis driver.
I too have a nice caring husband, who wants to make my life easier by trying to help around the house, but to me I want to make his life easier as he works hard enough with out helping at home.
So to me you both really care a lot about each other. It’s just the way you communicate I think one may not understand what the other one means. See I see two people that both care so much about each other, they both want to make life easier for the other one.

 

[CarolA]

Oh my.

The Disney trip is NOT the problem here.


Let me get this part right? She is a SAHM and you bring in the cash to pay the bills, but you don't have a clue what's going on. Better find out NOW it may be a shock to your system. I would also suggest that you tell her that the vacation will be a family planned event. Involve the KIDS too....

Personally if I was this "unhappy" I would not want to go to Disney with my partner. I think you need more then advice on Disney, you need help.

Belittling you etc. is just a way to take away your self esteem and let her be "in control".

Get help NOW. What are you going to do when those kids grow up????? This whole relationship seems to be for the kids.

 

[Zoesmama03]

Oh my.

The Disney trip is NOT the problem here.


Let me get this part right? She is a SAHM and you bring in the cash to pay the bills, but you don't have a clue what's going on. Better find out NOW it may be a shock to your system. I would also suggest that you tell her that the vacation will be a family planned event. Involve the KIDS too....

Personally if I was this "unhappy" I would not want to go to Disney with my partner. I think you need more then advice on Disney, you need help.

Belittling you etc. is just a way to take away your self esteem and let her be "in control".

Get help NOW. What are you going to do when those kids grow up????? This whole relationship seems to be for the kids.

I agree she has done her roles to keep in control. She has belittled her way to keep the control and you have let her do so again. Its hard to break the cycle but you need to and I agree that telling her that you wish it to be a FAMILY planned vacation will help. I'm sure she will have many of the same places on her lists but see this is why it was always nice to not plan.

I've been in summer and in off season where you can walk right on any ride and its still enjoyable even if you wait in long lines.


I kinda think this is way more than just planning Disney too. You need to talk to someone because I know where it goes when you don't communicate and its not pretty.


I had quite a bit of the control in my marriage at times but still got belittled enough that he could control other things, like my returning to school. He held me back in sooooo many ways.

 

[a1tinkfans]

I wish there was some "pixie dust" to send your way. It sounds like you could use some. While your post is about "planning Disney" the big picture seems to be more about your true feelings in your relationship and how it is "not feeling good to you." Disney planning is just a symptom of the apparent stress you feel about how you feel you're being treated.
Perhaps your wife has no idea how important this really is to you. You really need to sit down and have a heart to heart because when you're happy, she'll be happier!
AS far as being a SAHM (ie, no time), well, there are many of us out there. Yes, they're tired, more like exhausted, but why would that preclude ONE time, her not going to bed early, so you can talk about your "home" and/or "relationship". I think the PRIORITY is your family and I wish you the very best luck at working out your obvious marriage concerns.
Life can change on a dime. Your family is worth it to take the time to "talk" and more importantly, "LISTEN" to each other, Communication is Key to any marriage! Best of Luck and I hope your trip is a good one!!