Its been awhile.....I have a dilemma (loong!) UPDATE

[tiff211]

UPDATE: I think the ex has given up after my talk on Thursday when I really laid into him. He has not contacted me except when necessary. He said he's gonna move on since I have. This is the longest time he has gone without some kind of attempt to convince me to take him back. As far as the new guy is concerned....he's still kinda cooled off. My BFF says his personality makes him fall back and figure things out but I don't know if thats ok wit me. We'll see. I keep you all posted. I never thought I would be looking forward to calling myself divorced.

I haven't been on the boards much since I am a single mom again, short-handed at work and back in school. I do come on and read threads from time to time.

I have a situation and I know the DIS is sooo good at giving advice, straight no chaser

I left my ex after years of infidelity june 08, we had tried counseling and everything, he was leading a single life, while having a wife and kids at home. After many stalling tactics on his part, because he realized he was losing his 80% for his 20%, he finally signed the papers and the divorce is in the final stages.

A little over 3 months ago, I joined a dating website on a dare and met an amazing man. We hit it off instantly and have been together since. We have so much in common, the chemistry is there, we have a blast together all the time, he's met my friends, etc., I've met members of his family...however he has never been married and wants kids, he's 39. I am 39 and have 4 girls and had my tubes tied. He said it wasn't a dealbreaker but makes comments from time to time. So, that's dilemma 1. Then there is my ex, who makes it ever clear, he wants me back and has mood swings where 1 minute he is cursing me out and the next he is crying, telling me he loves me. I remain constant and firm that it is over. About a month ago, he found out about my new guy and went to his house (said he googled him) and threatened him He wasn't physical, just said stay away from me. The new guy called the cops but my ex had left by then. My new guy who is very laid back and has minimal drama was freaked out and ended things with me. I was devastated and so pissed at my ex for having the audacity. I went off on him, he cried said he was sorry and it was wrong...yada yada. After a few days, BF and I talked and decided to give it another go. Things were great, he has so many qualities that are on my checklist. We talk about the future etc.

Earlier this week, he was over my house while the girls were with their dad. About 11:30pm, my phone starts ringing nonstop. I don't turn it off cuz i have 1 in college. It was my ex, I didn't answer at first but decided to because he had the girls. He was drunk and asked to speak to my ****ing dude. I told him to stop calling and hung up. My guy decided to leave and the next day, he tells me he can't deal with my ex. We have spoken since but just small talk. I know he's upset and torn. I don't know what to do. I think my ex just needs to come to terms with me moving on and being in a new relationship. Ironically, he has had several GF's since the split. I don't want him to think he can bully me or anyone I am with. Any thoughts?

Please note: I haven't seen my ex violent and there have been times when I found out about a woman, I have slapped and punched him and he just stood there.

 

[disykat]

My first thought is some kind of legal action (restraining order?) against your ex. He is harassing and threatening. He was drunk while your kids were there.

You can't change that your boyfriend doesn't want the drama, but you can work to get rid of the drama. That will be a problem regardless of who you are with.

 

[tiff211]

My first thought is some kind of legal action (restraining order?) against your ex. He is harassing and threatening. He was drunk while your kids were there.

You can't change that your boyfriend doesn't want the drama, but you can work to get rid of the drama. That will be a problem regardless of who you are with.

Yeah, I looked into that.....not enough for a restraining order as he never threatened anyone bodily harm. I have called the police when he wouldn't leave my house 1 day so they said once there is more documentation of that, I can file a harrassment charge.

I have explained to my BF that I am aggressively working to do what I can to make sure the dramas ceases. He sees this and I think that is why he is still torn.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Sorry sweetie, that is strike three, he is out.

I hear that you like him a lot however it is clear that he is unhappy with the situation.

Forcing someone to stay is not going to end up well. He told you he cannot handle things right now.

Time to start listening to what he says instead of what you want.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Hmmmmm...never having been in a situation like this (I say that to give you my perspective) my first thought is dump the new guy (and keep the ex dumped).

Something (and I'm sorry to be so vague) doesn't feel right about a person who walks away so easily. Be upset by it, yes. Be fearful of it, yes. But I would have hoped (thought?) that he'd stay by you and work to help you get the ex out of your life (on that type of level).

Perhaps all he can be is a good friend, and there is nothing at all wrong with that.

 

[vettechick99]

Well isn't stalking considered illegal? Basically he is doing that, right? I hope you can find some legal action against him. He sounds like he is at the end of his rope and a little unstable.

Hugs to you!!

 

[Robinrs]

It doesn't matter that he has girlfriends...YOU are not supposed to have boyfriends... or didn't you read the Idiot Cheating Man's Rules to Breakups Guide?

How did he find out about the guy, much less his name to google him? This is serious. He shouldn't have that much access to your private life. Are the kids telling him? They really should be involved either.

He sounds like he doesn't like NOT being in control and I don't blame the new guy from fleeing the drama. You have to take control of your own privacy and realize he may have not been violent in the past, but this kind of nonsense brings out the worse in a man. It's a ego thing.

BTW, cute pic!!

 

[handinpocket]

Truthfully? I think the new guy isn't the right fit for you. You are done with having kids and he hasn't even started. He says it isn't a dealbreaker but if he still brings it up, you can bet he still wants kids.

An ex like that would be hard for anyone to handle and could even turn crazy and kill someone. It is just a whole lot of baggage for one person to handle and I don't know of many men who would even want to attempt it (rightfully so).

 

[LuvOrlando]

Uggh, that sounds messy. It could be the boyfriend is just plain scared of your ex but being a guy doesn't want to say it out loud. I can't imagine anyone not being scared of the guy, he sounds like a headcase. I agree he's stalking you and using your girls as an in. Personally, I think that considering your girls ages there is no reason why you ever need to actually speak with the guy. Send him a text saying you want to keep things strictly in writing from now on because things are getting messy and stick to it, if your girls need to speak with you they are old enough to call. If the girls do not have phones then I say buy them each a $20 Tracphone because then you'd be able to figure out who it is that is calling you.

Also,f you have been talking to your new BF like a girlfriend sounding board for complaints about your ex that should probably stop right now. You can't say you're over your ex if you're still carrying on about how much he effects your life. Also, maybe you should ask your boyfriend if he has any ideas on what you can do to make him more comfortable with the situation.

As for the baby thing, your tubes are tied so if the guy is still around he must be ok with it on some level... after all it's not like he can convince you to change. So unless he says it's an issue its a non-issue.

Good luck

 

[tiff211]

It doesn't matter that he has girlfriends...YOU are not supposed to have boyfriends... or didn't you read the Idiot Cheating Man's Rules to Breakups Guide?

How did he find out about the guy, much less his name to google him? This is serious. He shouldn't have that much access to your private life. Are the kids telling him? They really should be involved either.

He sounds like he doesn't like NOT being in control and I don't blame the new guy from fleeing the drama. You have to take control of your own privacy and realize he may have not been violent in the past, but this kind of nonsense brings out the worse in a man. It's a ego thing.

BTW, cute pic!!

I need to read that book!

I have no idea how he found out. He said my FB page but I don't post anything about my private life and my ex is not a friend. He said he looked at my friends list. However, I have many guy friends. My kids don't know either....except my oldest and she knows not to say anything, she's away at college anyway.

 

[dislaney]

Truthfully? I think the new guy isn't the right fit for you. You are done with having kids and he hasn't even started. He says it isn't a dealbreaker but if he still brings it up, you can bet he still wants kids.

An ex like that would be hard for anyone to handle and could even turn crazy and kill someone. It is just a whole lot of baggage for one person to handle and I don't know of many men who would even want to attempt it (rightfully so).

I agree with the above. Maybe between the wanting kids and the drama with the ex that is his dealbreaker.

 

[tiff211]

Hmmmmm...never having been in a situation like this (I say that to give you my perspective) my first thought is dump the new guy (and keep the ex dumped).

Something (and I'm sorry to be so vague) doesn't feel right about a person who walks away so easily. Be upset by it, yes. Be fearful of it, yes. But I would have hoped (thought?) that he'd stay by you and work to help you get the ex out of your life (on that type of level).

Perhaps all he can be is a good friend, and there is nothing at all wrong with that.

Yeah, that's what my best friend said. I was upset he hasn't given it time to subside.

 

[CowboyCO]

Well, my response may not be what you want to hear, and may not be popular in general with readers, here's my .02

I think you need to focus on being a great Mom and take time to get your life in order. (ie- EX). As a man, I wouldn't want to risk getting involved with a woman that still has issues with her ex - and he's a nutcase to boot!

I wouldn't recommend you date until you've got your life with you and your children on solid ground.

Good Luck.

 

[Magic Mom]

Can you and your new boyfriend get a restraining order? I don't know how they work.
Does he bad mouth you to your girls?

 

[tiff211]

Well, my response may not be what you want to hear, and may not be popular in general with readers, here's my .02

I think you need to focus on being a great Mom and take time to get your life in order. (ie- EX). As a man, I wouldn't want to risk getting involved with a woman that still has issues with her ex - and he's a nutcase to boot!

I wouldn't recommend you date until you've got your life with you and your children on solid ground.

Good Luck.

Thats what I did year 1. I went to counseling, went back to school...etc. My ex was normal. He would try to get me back but in subtle ways. I think no matter where I am, once he sees me dating, he would act like he is......

 

[tiff211]

Can you and your new boyfriend get a restraining order? I don't know how they work.
Does he bad mouth you to your girls?

No, he doesn't badmouth me.....he tells them how much he loves me and how awesome I am.

 

[Bluestars]

Besides the ex husband problems, the fact that he wants kids and you don't could be a huge problem in the future. Since he is making comments about it, it might mean a lot to him. Maybe that, coupled with your ex's threatening behavior, is what is making him back away.

Your ex sounds very unstable and scary to me. I think continuing to be firm and consistent with your ex is the way to go. I would make it clear to him that you will call the police if you feel threatened by his behavior.

I'm concerned about your girls though. Hopefully they are safe with him.

 

[tiff211]

Besides the ex husband problems, the fact that he wants kids and you don't could be a huge problem in the future. Since he is making comments about it, it might mean a lot to him. Maybe that, coupled with your ex's threatening behavior, is what is making him back away.

Your ex sounds very unstable and scary to me. I think continuing to be firm and consistent with your ex is the way to go. I would make it clear to him that you will call the police if you feel threatened by his behavior.

I'm concerned about your girls though. Hopefully they are safe with him.

I was upfront about both issues from day 1 with him and asked if he wanted to continue on with me. He said yes.

That's the weird thing about my ex, he is great with the girls. They are happy to go to his house. If I call because I need to him to get them, he is right there, no problem. He's actually a better father now, then when we were together.

 

[Robinrs]

I need to read that book!

I have no idea how he found out. He said my FB page but I don't post anything about my private life and my ex is not a friend. He said he looked at my friends list. However, I have many guy friends. My kids don't know either....except my oldest and she knows not to say anything, she's away at college anyway.

Sorry, there is NO WAY you have a kid in college, you look like a kid yourself!

Now this is really concerning, he's finding all kinds of ways to find out, he's sounds obsessed. Be very careful with him.

 

[Bluestars]

The only reason I mentioned the thing about him wanting to have kids is that you said he will sometimes make comments. That would be the only thing that might make me think he isn't 100% sure. I could be wrong about that though.

I'm glad your girls are fine with him. I was hoping he wasn't the type that would harm them to hurt you. At least that's one thing you don't have to worry about then.