Is this wrong?

[caitycaity]

esmeralda, as my mom used to say to me all the time; "life isn't fair." there are lots of people who make more than me who don't have college degrees. that's just life. yeah it sucks, and yeah sometimes i get upset about it, but there's not really much i can do about it when it comes right down to it.

if i were you, i'd look for a new job.

 

[robinb]

I would choose "B".

It sounds like you in a comfortable dead-end job with no chance of advancement. Some folks are fine with that, but you don't appear to be one of them. In addition, you are used to being the more educated and better paid "spouse" in the same company. Your BF's latest promotion when you know one will never be in your future and accompanying raise must be like rubbing salt in a wound. I'm sure that you also see him "moving away" from you career-wise.

I think your relationship and own sanity would be better served with a new job in another company. That way you won't feel like you are in direct competion with him. You may make less than him in a different job, but you'll have your own work environment and relationships.

FWIW, I think a second job just to "keep up" monetarily with your BF will sour your relationship even more. You might have more "funny money" but you won't have time to enjoy it and the time with your BF will plummet. You may want to consider going from a 50-50 split to a salary equitable split. My DH and I did that 17 years ago when we moved in together and he made much more than I did.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by kpgclark
Why don't you feel comfortable with people doing nice things for you?

I really don't know.

I think I would feel like a leech, if that makes any sense.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

So, you are going to take a second job for more "fun" money, but will have no time for "fun"?

 

[minniecarousel]

Could you be doing the same work that he's now doing? If that's the case, then yeah, it might bug me. Why is there no room for advancement within this company for YOU? It's tough when you have college degrees and job prospects are slim. Not many relationships have the partners making exactly the same - most survive.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by caitycaity
esmeralda, as my mom used to say to me all the time; "life isn't fair." there are lots of people who make more than me who don't have college degrees. that's just life. yeah it sucks, and yeah sometimes i get upset about it, but there's not really much i can do about it when it comes right down to it.

if i were you, i'd look for a new job.

I know. I have looked but to be honest - I have not found anything yet. I have submitted resumes to several places and haven't had a call yet. Maybe as the economy gets better, which it is starting to, my luck will change.

The one thing about my job that is good, is that it's fairly secure. I mean, nothing is guaranteed but I am basically the only person in my company who knows how to do what I do. When I'm out , on vacation or otherwise not here, no one does my job because no one knows how. My boss has told me several times, if budget cuts made her have to lay people off, I'd be amongst the last to even be considered.

So there's that, at least.

It's a very tough call.

 

[kpgclark]

I think there is more to the reason why you are uncomfortable being treated well (or be treated to things) by someone. Let yourself feel good about the love your boyfriend feels for you. If he wants to spoil you, let him! That extra money will be great for your household and you can enjoy life more with the additional funds. For goodness sake, don't take another job! On your deathbed you won't be thinking about how great it was to work long hours. You want to be grateful that you enjoyed life to the fullest. You will never have any moment in time again. Don't waste a moment working just for your pride or for whatever reason. Enjoy life and be happy that your boyfriend is getting a raise. If you don't like your job, start looking for another one.

 

[Pete's Mom]

You are not being fair to yourself! Don't let this ruin your relationship. Wonderful boyfriends are harder to find than a better paying job.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by Pete's Mom
You are not being fair to yourself! Don't let this ruin your relationship. Wonderful boyfriends are harder to find than a better paying job.

I know . He's awesome. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wish it was easier to just let go and let him be good to me but I just can't seem to shake the notion that I need to pay him back either with money or by buying something for him.

I sprained my ankle a few weeks ago and couldn't walk for a week and he basically slaved over me the entire time. I felt bad about it and I managed to scrape up enough $$ to buy him a pocketwatch as a thank you.

I know it's weird.

 

[Mishetta]

No disrespect intended, but my opinion is that you need to speak to a professional (therapist) since there is some underlying issue here.

Good luck to you.

 

[Stepharoonie!]

Originally posted by Jenn Lynn
How would you not be pulling your weight if you split everything 50/50? You pay the same amount as him right?

My question exactly.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by Stepharoonie!
My question exactly.

I guess I worded it wrong. I'll still be able to pay for what I am now. But he'll have the $$ to buy other things for the apartment, furniture etc. that will be used by both but I won't be able to help pay for it.

 

[Ragmop]

Originally posted by EsmeraldaX


Part of it is pride too. I have put in 4 years at this company and he has been here 2. I have two college degrees. He has none.
That just rubs me the wrong way.

At one time , early in our careers I (with college degree)made about $5k more than my boyfriend(no degree) at same company, and I couldn't tell him(company confidentiality). We lived together, still shared the same bills, it was no big deal.

We've now been married for a long time and he now makes about five times what I make...wage difference still doesn't bother me.

I think judging someone's "worth" or value in terms ofthe $$ they make is your biggest mistake.

 

[battricia]

Perhaps you're worried that if he bought all these things then he would be able to just walk out with them whenever he wanted (since there technically are no messy devorce strings, and if he bought everything technically it would be his), and leave you with nothing, which is what it sounds like your ex husband did. It sounds like to me you are worried about this happening all over again. If you feel this is the case I would suggest you see a counselor, they can help you through this. Maybe you needed to see one when your exhusband left, but you couldn't. If you have decent health insurance I'd say now is a good time. You don't want to lose your boyfriend over these fears, and you need to get yourself better to have a healthy relationship.

In the case of the job, I also would be looking for a job with more opportunity for advancement. I know you said you're looking, and that's great, keep sending out those resumes whenever you get the chance.

I wish you the best and hope you can settle this issue soon.

tricia.

 

[suzannen]

You've gotten some good advice here.

I just wanted to add - think about it from your boyfriend's side. If I had worked hard, gotten a promotion and a raise only to find the person I love not only NOT celebrating with me, but actually being angry about it, I would be devastated. I would also question the depth and sincerity of the relationship.

I hope you can work out both your job situation and your relationship; help him celebrate his successes as you would hope he would celebrate yours.

 

[calypso*a*go-go]

First of all, you're worrying about something that hasn't even happened . . . your SO has not been promoted yet!

As for your position with the company -- just because there's no opportunity for advancement, that doesn't mean you shouldn't get wage increases. Especially if what you do is so specialized.

If I were you I would casually mention to your supervisor that you have some job interviews coming up and will need to schedule some time off for the meetings. That should open up a dialog in which you can express your disappointment at the current wage scale. Don't mention anything about how people in other departments get promoted, just use the angle that you need the stimulation of being able to work towards higher goals and feel that is not an option with your current position.

Hopefully that will get them thinking about what would happen if you were offered another job.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

I also posted this in my thread on the debate forum. (remember I accidentally posted the OP there too...)

Thank you all.

We just had our lunch hour at work and he got me a present. A small present but I tried not to put up a fuss over it.

Earlier today I'd been talking about a brooch at Macy's I saw that I thought was pretty, very Celtic looking. My friend and I have been to Macy's almost every day this week as she shops for stuff to take on her honeymoon next week. Anyway so Chris (my BF) told me he'd get it for me, and me being me said absolutely not, it's $22 and proceeded to rattle off a list of 50 things that $22 could be better spent on...

So at lunchtime he pretty much begged me to take $30 and go buy it, saying it was cheap and he wanted me to have it and if it would make me feel better he can pay me back in 10 years or something.

So I did. I mean I could have argued it more but I decided after thinking about this whole subject , I decided to just go get it and see how I felt afterwards.

I admit I feel weird about it, like I'm a leech. But I think all of you are right and that it is something within me, that I need to deal with. He came bouncing over to me when my friend and I returned from lunch and kept telling me how pretty it is and how he's so happy I got it and he was all smily and happy.

So it really is just me. I still feel bad, like I didn't "earn" the gift, and like I won't be earning the stuff he buys for our apartment when he starts making more than me (in a few weeks). But it is apparent to me now that this is silly and that I love him and want to stay with him as long as possible , and I'm not leeching off of him because if I was, he'd say so.

It's going to be hard but I will try to change. Maybe it will mean getting professional help, I don't know. But I will try.

Thank you all.

 

[Winka]

Chris seems like a nice guy. I'm glad you were able to accept the gift bc I am sure it made him very happy to get it for you.

You seem like a very nice person; I hope learn to love yourself as much as your guy seems to.

 

[disneychrista]

Originally posted by Jenn Lynn
How would you not be pulling your weight if you split everything 50/50? You pay the same amount as him right?

This is exactly what I thought.

.

 

[RitaZ.]

If I had worked hard, gotten a promotion and a raise only to find the person I love not only NOT celebrating with me, but actually being angry about it, I would be devastated. I would also question the depth and sincerity of the relationship.

I agree with this.

Esmeralda, it sounds to me like you're afraid of losing control. It seems like you're punishing yourself for having made what you perceive were bad decisions in your previous marriage. Relationships don't come with a guarantee. Don't be so hard on yourself and don't live your life in fear. We only get one chance at it, so make the best of it. Don't burden yourself and your boyfriend with all these rules and "shoulds". JMHO