Is this wrong?

[EsmeraldaX]

I accidentally posted this in Debate. It should have been here. Anyway....


I work 8:30 - 4:30 every day, M-F. I have at least an hour long drive then a brief subway ride to work in Boston.

There is no chance for advancement in my position at my job. I'm the only one who does it in the company; I'm not part of a dept. although I do report to a department manager.

My boyfriend (who I live with) also works here, he started two years after me. Currently we make the same salary.
He will be given a promotion soon because in his department, people can get promoted from regular customer service reps, to senior reps.

Anyway, it doesn't work that way for me since I'm not a Support Services rep. (Support Services is the dept. I report to).

I feel like if he starts making about 5K more a year than me (which is what will happen) I should either :
A. move out
B. Find a higher paying job (not likely)
or
C. Take on a second job

I am just not comfortable living with him when he makes more money than I do. I know that's weird, but it truly makes me sick and angry and I know I will not be able to deal with it.

We do not share expenses. We have always maintained seperate bank accounts and always will. We spilt everything in 1/2 from food bills to utilty bills, to rent.

Am I crazy?

So I'm hoping I can find a second job. This will mean working weekends, hopefully both days and I don't know if I will be able to weeknights, unless I get a job at a 24 hour place.

I know I will be giving up a lot. I will have to drop at least one of my weekend hobbies. I won't be spending much time at home. But I know if I don't, I'll feel like I'm leeching off of him or worse I'll begin to despise the fact that he has more disposable income than I do. Either way, I think it will be bad.

What do you think?

 

[caitycaity]

i don't understand why him making more than you is such a big deal. is he a jerk about it?

if you can't handle it, i guess i would move out if i were you, but it may mean the end of the relationship. this is probably something you should think about before you get involved in another relationship too. at some point, it is likely that whoever you are with will be making more than you.

 

[kpgclark]

OK, here's some honesty. I think it is weird that you are so uncomfortable of your boyfriend being more highly compensated than you. Are you using that as an excuse to get out of the relationship? You should examine why you feel that way. Perhaps it is related to your self esteem.

As far as promotion for you goes, perhaps you could get a promotion to "senior" whatever your current title is.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by caitycaity
i don't understand why him making more than you is such a big deal. is he a jerk about it?

if you can't handle it, i guess i would move out if i were you, but it may mean the end of the relationship. this is probably something you should think about before you get involved in another relationship too. at some point, it is likely that whoever you are with will be making more than you.

No, I guess he doesn't understand it either. I should explain that we have a very untraditional relationship. We never plan on being married. Neither of us is religious and neither of us wants children so we don't see a need for a legal marriage. I went through an UGLY divorce several years ago that cost me every penny I had and my ExH and i had shared a bank account and he emptied it before I could take my savings out of it. I never got it back.

Maybe that's why it bothers me. We will always maintain seperate bank accounts and I feel like if I'm not making as much, I'm not really pulling my weight...



Part of it is pride too. I have put in 4 years at this company and he has been here 2. I have two college degrees. He has none.
That just rubs me the wrong way.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by kpgclark
OK, here's some honesty. I think it is weird that you are so uncomfortable of your boyfriend being more highly compensated than you. Are you using that as an excuse to get out of the relationship? You should examine why you feel that way. Perhaps it is related to your self esteem.

As far as promotion for you goes, perhaps you could get a promotion to "senior" whatever your current title is.

Other than this, our relationship is pretty stable. We rarely argue, are pretty open and honest and know what we both want. Most of our friends, married or in LTRs have said they envy us.

I asked my boss last raise period if there was any chance of promotion and she said honestly, there is not.

 

[bumcat]

Maybe it's misplaced anger? Sounds like your more upset with your job and/or yourself and directing it at him? maybe?

 

[kasar]

I can't understand how him making $5K more than you would mean you have to move out. If you're comfortable paying what you are now, why can't that continue? You both will pay what you do now and he can save or spend his extra. What he does with his money is up to him.

You say he's your boyfriend. Why would you want to move out because of salary? Or, better yet, why do you think you have to make the same amount? Salaries go up and down, jobs come and go - how are you going to work through the really difficult stuff together if something like this has you packing your bags? Sorry if that sounds rude, maybe I'm misreading your question.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

How would you not be pulling your weight if you split everything 50/50? You pay the same amount as him right?

 

[Winka]

I really think there is no magic formula for how finances should be perceived and handled between couples.

If you are doing ok in the place where you both live now, that is, you can still afford the monthly rent on your salary and other monthly expenses, why would you feel as if you are leeching off of him?

Is it just the difference in salaries or is it also the idea that he is somehow advancing and you are, within the structure of your company, standing still, that bothers you? Is it possible to make a lateral move within the company that might give you the opportunity to advance?

It may be unfair to say, but it seems like you feel somehow competitive with your partner...maybe that works for some couples but if it makes you so unhappy, it may not be working for you. On the other hand, maybe, given your spirit of competition , you can find work that makes you happy and that you can excel in.

Maybe a good discussion with your BF might help? Good luck.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by bumcat
Maybe it's misplaced anger? Sounds like your more upset with your job and/or yourself and directing it at him? maybe?

This is very good insight. I think you may be right. I actually had worked in his dept for two years and was fed up with seeing everyone advance around me (his boss has a thing for promoting men ahead of women....all the men who started around my time were advancing and the women were not; despite constantly being told I was a great employee and having tons of extra responsibilities dumped on me).

When I moved to this dept. I knew there was no chance of advancement but was happy to get away from the boss in the other dept. who really bothered me.

 

[TEENEE]

I'm sorry but I don't understand why this is a problem. My ex husband and I went back and forth, sometimes I made more $ sometimes he did. My DH makes less than I do. Sometimes it bothers him because he feels like he's not pulling his weight but it in no way bothers me. I don't fault him for his salary. I'm happy that he works hard to help provide for our family. Sounds to me like you are looking for an excuse to end the relationship.

 

[Pete's Mom]

If YOU made more money would you expect HIM to move out, find a higher paying job, or take on a second job?

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by Jenn Lynn
How would you not be pulling your weight if you split everything 50/50? You pay the same amount as him right?

I'd still be able to, but as it is right now, I have very little fun money left over. Now he would have lots. I would not be okay with him paying for us to go out and have fun and if he has more money he'd be buying things for both of us, furniture and such and I'm just not comfortable with it.

We have talked about it and he has said whatever makes me the most comfortable he will support and try to not let it hurt us. I think I am leaning towards getting a second job, however that would mean working 7 days a week, and from 8:30 am - late into the night some nights.

 

[Chrissi Pooh]

Good point Pete's Mom!!!!!

I guess I don't understand the whole thing either. I am divorced and although we didn't have alot to lose I still ended up in debt and refuse to do it again but that in no way means I have to make more than my partner!!!

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by Pete's Mom
If YOU made more money would you expect HIM to move out, find a higher paying job, or take on a second job?

No I would not. And he doesn't expect me to. It's just something I want to do. Maybe it is just stupid pride.

Maybe it's just something wrong with me. I am very happy with him, the only thing that bothers me is this. And it's more me than him.

I think the person who said it is displaced anger at my job got it right on. This is what bothers me. I have worked hard here for 4 years and make less than the average kid coming out of college (and I'm 27) and he has worked here for barely 2 years.

I also have more pride than is probably healthy. I don't like the idea of making less than him because I will not be "treated" to things. I know him and his making more will make him want to spend more and inevitably he will not understand why I don't feel comfortable with him buying me things and taking me places.

:shrugs: I just don't know. I don't want to leave him though. He is my best friend. He has been with me through some tough times and we are quite happy.

 

[Winka]

Originally posted by EsmeraldaX
I think I am leaning towards getting a second job, however that would mean working 7 days a week, and from 8:30 am - late into the night some nights.

I wonder if getting a second job might not hurt your relatioship?

I hope there is a solution within the company you currently work for and can find a position there that gives you more fulfillment and the possibility for advancement. A second job sounds like a band-aid.

 

[kpgclark]

Why don't you feel comfortable with people doing nice things for you?

 

[Toby'sFriend]

think I am leaning towards getting a second job, however that would mean working 7 days a week, and from 8:30 am - late into the night some nights.

Well first that is going to be exhausting and definately not good for your relationship. Second, what are you then going to do 4 or 5 years from now if he gets a 2nd promotion?

I personally think there is a huge underlying issue here that probably should have been solved before you committed to a move-in relationship with a boyfriend. I know that sounds harsh and judgemental, but you have asked for opinions.

I honestly don't have any advice. Couples who are committed to each other handle money in all kinds of ways. It is common even for Husbands and Wives to have their own bank accounts and their own money. But there also needs to be an understanding that money comes and goes and once you move in together you are "in it" together for the long haul. I suspect a relationship counselor would point out that you are using money to try and shield yourself from getting emotionally hurt again -- and money really isn't the issue. I think the issue is that you aren't ready yet to fully commit to a partner.

 

[Maleficent13]

Just some thoughts:

I too was uncomfortable letting an SO do/pay for things for me. I have come to realize that this was because I didn't want to be beholden to him in any way. IMO, this is not the sign of a good relationship. If you can't let him support you financially every once in a while, how can you be okay with letting him support you emotionally?

I also got a second job once, which I worked for three years in addition to my fulltime one. You cannot really realize how much time it takes out of your life until you do it. I worked M-F 8am to 4:30pm, and then three nights a week from 5:30 to close (which fluctuated at my retail establishment) and 6 to 8 hours a day on the weekends. I literally had no life. Which was okay by me, since I didn't want to be home with my ex anyway. Possibly another underlying factor? I'm not saying it is, just that it's something to think about.

Totally do not want to flame you, just it sounds like we had some similarities and thought I'd share my experiences. Whatever happens, I hope it works out for you.

 

[Tiggeroo]

This whole thing is really silly. I don't understand couples who feel the need to do everything 50/50. It just doesnt' work that way in real life. It might for awhile but eventually there will be glitches. If one of you got laid off and were out of work for awhile would he have to move out? What if somebody got seriously hurt in an accident or sick for a time. They can't provide 50% of the bucks or can't do an equal amount of household chores? Part of being a couple is supporting one another. There is a big difference between supporting and leaching. I don't really see a solution because there are always going to be inequities and you are always going to be uncomfortable with them. This will make it very difficult for you to get close to anybody.

I asked my boss last raise period if there was any chance of promotion and she said honestly, there is not.

I don't understand a person with no children staying in a dead end job for so long. This has nothing to do with whether your bf is making more or less. You should really get out there and look at other career options. You might also feel less competitive if you weren't working at the same place. I also sense that maybe you have lingering issues and hurt from the marriage. (understandably so) Counseling might help you with this, and help you set up healthy boundaries and balance in your relationship.