Is this tacky or are we being cheap?

[Shagley]

I guess my first thought is that since you weren't actually on the phone with your SIL, the phone conversation could have gone a whole lot of different ways. Are you sure your SIL didn't call just to let your DH know what your MIL had requested for her birthday. I mean, she could have been saying "Mom requested that we do this for her birthday, and if we do that and split the expenses, it would come to $200.00 for each family". If it is what your MIL requested, what else could she do? I mean, she is giving you 5 months notice - not saying she needs the money right now, right?

Is your DH upset about this at all?

I had a terrible, horrible experience with something like this for my Grandparent's 50th Anniversary (over 10 years ago), but I was on the other side. My Mom and her sisters planned the event and agreed to split the cost. It was a small event where they reserved the church basement, and bought cold cuts and different salads from a local restaurant / caterer. We provided the total number to the restaurant, and they told us how much food we should get. Even though my Mom and her sisters all had input, once the final bill came and was split evenly, my Uncle (who was new to the family) had a fit over having to pay 1/4 of the bill. He thought that since we had quite a bit of food left over and no one consulted him on how much food should be ordered (he is a Gardener, like he would have any idea of how much food we needed), they shouldn't have to pay for any of the food that was leftover. He wanted my Mom to figure up the cost of the food that was leftover and take that much off their portion of the bill (and out of spite, he refused to eat any of the leftovers and told my Aunt not to eat any of the leftovers). He was throwing such a tantrum that he and my Aunt had to "take a drive", and when they came back, my Aunt had been crying. She gave my Mom a check for the full amount and went into the bedroom and didn't come back out for the rest of the night. Anyway, it created lots of bad feelings toward my Uncle - and today I still have bad feeling toward him because of what a jerk he was that day. I hope he thought that $25.00 or whatever he was trying to save was worth it to have my entire family dislike him forever. Also, I KNOW he would have NEVER acted that way if it was for HIS parents.

I guess my thought would be that maybe your SIL was discussing it with your DH. Also, if it is what your MIL requested, what kind of input did you want to have?? I actually feel bad for your SIL (of course, I don't know her so I could be waaaayyyy off), it sounds like she is between a rock and a hard place. Especially if all she is doing is planning a celebration that your MIL requested, and she has to be the one to try to get everyone to pay their share for it.

I do have to agree (without knowing any of the past history) that your remark to your SIL was awfully rude. It wouldn't make me want to call you up and ask for your input.

 

[Pigeon]

Also, I don't see it as tacky for the sister to plan the party and tell you about what you'd have to pitch in for it. This is normally how it is done.

Not in my universe. It is not the norm to decide for someone else how much they will contribute to something they had no hand in planning. If you want to plan a big party and intend to pay for the whole thing, plan ahead. Otherwise, you'd darn well better ask if me 1) if I want to be part of the party and 2) how much I want to spend on it.

 

[Downrivermama]

Having been thru the tramua of planning a 75 & 80th birthday party for my DF and dealing with my 3 siblings, you should of been contacted before plans were made and been a part of the planning process. I got the double whammy for my DF's 75th, one sibling asked what we should do and the next thing I knew I was doing all the leg work and still paid my full share. Of course my 2 DS's pranced around like they did everything!

 

[kizmac]

Anyway, it created lots of bad feelings toward my Uncle - and today I still have bad feeling toward him because of what a jerk he was that day. I hope he thought that $25.00 or whatever he was trying to save was worth it to have my entire family dislike him forever. Also, I KNOW he would have NEVER acted that way if it was for HIS parents.

I.

Your post brings up an excellent point. We all don't feel the same about our MILs as we would our own moms which could be the reason the OP is reacting they way she is about the $200. DH may not be as upset at the thoughts of chipping in for his mom but is now caught in the middle by the reaction of his wife. Not a place that men like to be in.

OP, you really could be putting him in a tough spot by making comments or turning it into something bigger than it really is. You really should be asking yourself if $200 is worth that. Even if you don't feel MIL is worth that for whatever reason (not knowing family history).

The woman had 9 children...and lived 80 years!?! I want to know her secret! That is quite an accomplishment. Somedays I feel my 6 kids are driving me to an early grave.

 

[kizmac]

Not in my universe. It is not the norm to decide for someone else how much they will contribute to something they had no hand in planning. If you want to plan a big party and intend to pay for the whole thing, plan ahead. Otherwise, you'd darn well better ask if me 1) if I want to be part of the party and 2) how much I want to spend on it.

First of all when I said normally done...I should of added in our family, because that is what I meant. Anyhow, I personally saw the SIL's phone call, being 5 months in advance as her way of informing them of the plans and how much it would be for their share. How is that wrong and what exactly should she have done differently? We are talking about a family of 9 siblings not 2 and they all may not live near each other. It is only $200 and I'm sure that if the OP said sorry, we aren't paying, we don't want to be involved, they could go on with their plans as they are. We are talking FAMILY not a work party or a company picnic that someone springs on you. I just don't get the big deal with what the SIL did!?

 

[DiznEeyore]

I am stunned to see that so many think the OP should just hand over the $200 and be happy. We've had TONS of big parties/showers in our family and circle of friends and NONE have cost upwards of $2000!! What do you people do for parties that costs so much? Is it the booze? Or do you rent really expensive halls or something?

The other thing that strikes me is everyone who's saying that the OP and hubby should be thankful mom is still around and "$200 isn't much to celebrate her life". Ummmm .... do you think they've IGNORED her all these years? I'm sure they do lots to show their affection and appreciation -- an expensive party isn't the only way to say, "Gee, Mom, we love you and we're glad you're still with us"!! Hopefully their mom knows how much she's loved already and doesn't need a party to prove it!

That being said, I'd want some serious input on the party if I was throwing in that much.

 

[kizmac]

Yes, I think we're only hearing one side of the situation and I get the vibe that there's a lot of issues between the SIL/family and the OP.

I was just curious and peeked at some older posts by the OP. Apparently, she is sending her dd to overnight camp, has different ING accounts, flew to FL, and spent $$$ on different WDW dining experiences. Sure doesn't sound like they are really strapped for cash.

I can understand the principle of it all and that there may be issues, but an 80yo woman shouldn't be "punished" for it. Celebrate her life!

Hmmm.......I too just looked at some previous posts by the OP and this one in particular struck a cord.

Here's how I convinced my H to let me go back to WDW.

1st plan a "once in a lifetime" trip for a family of 5. Stay at the Poly during your youngest DD's b-day (since she's never been but the teens did when she was a baby) and make tons of ADR's. Make sure you include extras like MVMCP & parasailing. Buy yourself an AP for the savings on the room & dining. Total cost $8,000.

Then when free dining comes out tell H that there's this deal at WDW and you and DD can go back for only $1242 including air, that will seem VERY cheap after the last trip Make sure to let him know this is the cheapest it will ever be since your AP is still good so you don't need tickets (don't tell him you forgot to add on the cost to upgrade DD's ticket til after you book). Also get out the Disney Visa and tell him if you both use that exclusively til the trip you'll have $200-300 in rewards that will bring the cost down. And lastly it doesn't hurt to plan your dates during a monthly boys night out that he couldn't go to if you were home

Calie, going back for free dining and still can't believe H is letting me Calie

After reading that, I think it is clear that it's not the money, it's not the fact that they weren't involved in planning, it's more of a fact that they have better things to spend that money on... even with the savings of that $200-$300 in Disney Visa rewards

 

[C.Ann]

You're being cheap. Maybe the reason that you weren't included in the planning process is because they knew that you wouldn't want to go all out.

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That's a pretty nasty comment - "You're being cheap" - when you don't have a clue what her financial situation is..

I would be very annoyed that I wasn't consulted first - and depending upon the circumstances I would contribute what I comfortably could or nothing at all if I couldn't afford it..

NO ONE has the right to dicate how another person spends their money.. It's rude, presumptutous, and extremely bad manners..

 

[Downrivermama]

How is that wrong and what exactly should she have done differently? We are talking about a family of 9 siblings not 2 and they all may not live near each other. It is only $200 and I'm sure that if the OP said sorry, we aren't paying, we don't want to be involved, they could go on with their plans as they are. We are talking FAMILY not a work party or a company picnic that someone springs on you. I just don't get the big deal with what the SIL did!?

First, the sibling in charge should of called the other 8 and said, "Mom wants a party for her 80th, can you pitch in to help pay? Not we are throwing Mom a party and you need to pony up $200.

 

[C.Ann]

First, the sibling in charge should of called the other 8 and said, "Mom wants a party for her 80th, can you pitch in to help pay? Not we are throwing Mom a party and you need to pony up $200.

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Exactly! I don't care if the OP is taking a hundred trips to WDW.. That's not the point.. The point is that no one should be able to DICTATE how other people are going to spend their money without even consulting them.. It's about the rudest thing I have ever heard of in my entire life..

And I also have to wonder about the cost of this party? $1800? I could do one bang up party for that much..

 

[kizmac]

First, the sibling in charge should of called the other 8 and said, "Mom wants a party for her 80th, can you pitch in to help pay? Not we are throwing Mom a party and you need to pony up $200.

From the OP's post and the information that she gave....obviously she was not the one who even spoke to the SIL and was already in a huff before even knowing the full story....but, there is no way you can say that the SIL DIDN'T communicate the info in the manner that you are saying it should have been done.

What the OP asked was she being cheap over not wanting to pitch the $200 for a party for MIL especially when they weren't involved in the planning, which really, do you even know...from the OP's post, how much planning has exactly gone into the thing yet? Not really. I mean, it could be that the mother conveyed her desires to her closest child...the SIL, and maybe stated where she wanted it. Ok, so if it's a hall...likely they have to use their caters. So maybe the SIL went as far as to estimate on her own how much for the place and $ for food for the people that would be invited. Then she came up with a figure that she then picked up the phone and called everyone about. Seems pretty harmless to me.

I could see your point if we were talking short notice but it's $200 with 5 months notice.

 

[kmp1191]

The title of this thread is
"Is This Tacky or Are We Being Cheap?" The OP asked a question and in my opinion, you are being cheap. It's not a right or wrong answer and there's no reason for anyone to get their panties in a wad over it. It's an opinion and everyone is entitled to theirs.

 

[mickeyluv'r]

It sounds to me like we're only hearing part of the story. We weren't privy to the husband's conversation, and we don't know the history of this family.

If it were me, I'd want to be included in the party planning for my mom. I can't imagine my sisters doing otherwise, but most of the men in the family would rather NOT be involved in the planning. In fact, when it came time to plan weddings, they expressly said so! Also, the OP doesn't know for sure that her husband didn't have an earlier conversation to that effect. While it's tough to give out money - and it can be especially tough to give over for one's mother-in-law, I do think $200 is a reasonable amount for her 80th birthday party.

Yes, birthday parties in big halls do cost this much, or even more depending on where they are held. In fact, the family may well have reduced the amount they are asking from this couple...but maybe not.

Since we're not in this family though, there may be much more going on than the OP revealed...hard to really understand the situation with such incomplete info.

 

[disneynewbee]

I think that if you are expected to contribute financially to the party that you should be able to contribute with the planning if you want to and that she was tacky in not asking if you would like to help in planning. I would still pay the 200 though since you would normally get her a present anyway and that is what she wants as a present.

 

[jennifer293]

I would have thought that by now the OP would have chimed in and given her side of the story or explained the situation a little better...Or heck, even been upset for some Diser's calling her cheap, but after 4 pages of posts still no response.

 

[mickeyfan2]

First, the sibling in charge should of called the other 8 and said, "Mom wants a party for her 80th, can you pitch in to help pay? Not we are throwing Mom a party and you need to pony up $200.

The OP got in a huff during a phone call. Did her DH already know about the party and told the SIL to call with what his part would be? Since the OP never said the DH was surprised by the call and the party is 5 months away, this may have been the stating of the planning stage. Only the DH know for sure.

 

[dismom24]

I have to say I wish my husbands family was arguing about a party. We lost both his parents within the last few years and I miss them dearly.
Cherish the time you have with them and make good memories that you will always have. I don't think that you will regret it.

 

[robinb]

I have not read the other responses, but I have to go with "Cheap". You cannot cry "poor!" when you just booked at trip to WDW and forked over a $200 deposit. Your MIL is worth it and you should be happy that someone else is arranging everything for you.

 

[plummer925]

I would have thought that by now the OP would have chimed in and given her side of the story or explained the situation a little better...Or heck, even been upset for some Diser's calling her cheap, but after 4 pages of posts still no response.

That is exactly what I was thinking too!!

WHere is the OP???

I think we should ALL let this thread die - everyone is arguing with eachother at this point, and that's senseless!

 

[robinb]

I think threads like these really serve a purpose. It makes us think: "What would I do?" What would I do if I was asked to pay $200 without input? What would I do if I was planning a party and wanted my family to chip in?

I can tell you what my DH's cousin did recently for his Aunt and Uncle's 60th wedding anniversary. They asked for input (and then went with their own idea ) and then sent emails telling everyone the cost of the present. They said they would kick in whatever was left over. We contributed an equal share and it was all good.