Is this tacky or are we being cheap?

[calie_j]

We got a call from H's sister last week to inform us that his mom's 80th b-day is this Sept and they are planning a big party with all her friends & relatives, the cost is being split between the 9 kids and our share is $200. I could kind of tell from H's side of the phone conversation what was going on but he kept telling me he'd tell me about it when he hung up so I said "she better not be planning some big thing then handing us a bill" which she heard (good cause she needed to hear that )

I think this is very tacky to plan it without our input then tell us what we owe. All his siblings make good money and live in expensive houses, our house cost us under $30,000 and after living here over 12 yrs we're finally able to start fixing it up a little at a time so $200 is a big deal to us. The sister did ask the mom what she wanted for this milestone b-day and the party is what she said she wanted. Is this tacky or are we being cheap?

Calie

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

An 80th birthday is a big deal. I think you should just pitch in.

I realize the other siblings have better jobs and stuff, but its all about mom this time and she wants a party.

 

[AllyBri]

I say pitch in. You'll never regret it.

 

[hellow]

Sounds pretty off-base to me for them to plan something without talking to you and then hand you a bill. My husband and I have planned different family things, and always assumed if we wanted to do it, we should pay for it. If siblings want to pitch in, great, but we wouldn't force it on them. If they are EXPECTING you to pay, they should have consulted with you first.

 

[TexasCourt]

I think you should pitch in. It would have been nice if they would have consulted you in the planning process, however.

 

[JuneChickie]

I understand exactly how you feel. We have had this exact same thing pulled on us
many, many times in the past. Of course we pitch in whatever the hosts
tells us is our share. ,,,, but it just doesn't feel right when that happens.
I say give it up on this one with no regrets . There probably isn't a better gift
out there in the whole world that you can give her ,,,,,,, At 80 years old
she doesn't want or need anymore stuff ,,, Thats probably why,,,,, when asked
she said she wanted a party .
So,,,, pitch in and know that you are giving her just what *she wanted
for *her birthday ..........

 

[KarenAylwood]

I can totally understand where you are coming from with being upset about this- I'd be reacting the same way!

However, after thinking about it and reading the other posts- yeah, you should pitch in since it is her 80th bday, but I think you are warranted in thinking it's out of line to ask for the money without consulting you.


And totally OT- JuneChickie~ I LOVE your avatar!!

 

[azgal81]

I think that you should pitch in. Also, maybe there is something you can do to help plan the party. That way you would be like you are kinda contributing to the party not just financially. Also, if you are helping plan maybe you will see extra being paid for something that you know can be found cheaper that could help lower the cost for everyone involved.

We are planning my grandparents 80th party this year. All the kids as well as the grandkids all have tasks to help plan.

I see no reason why you can't help plan it as well instead of just being handed the bill. That doesn't seem fair.

 

[Tigger&Tink]

(just my to pennies worth here),,,,Even though I do not think it was right for them just to TELL you what you are going to pay, and you have NO input at all..on the other side of the story,I am willing to bet there are hundreds of people that would be glad to be able to give $200.00 to have the moms still here at 80 to give a party to.,,
You will feel good about this in the long run,knowing it is what your mom wanted,,,,Have a great time!!!!


Tink

 

[Angiepea]

Totally understand were you are comming from.....my other halfs mother is 60 in 2 years time and she has 4 sons, so me and dh suggested that every month for the next 2 years we put £10 in a kitty, then she can decided what to do with it (she doesnt have a lot of money), but yo and behold her taker over daughter in law as highjacked the thing. So I have sat back and left them to it, if she wants the hassle let her get on with it. Although I have to say if she starts about how shes done all the leg work I will not hold my tongue this time.

In your case I would pitch in on the understanding that you know whats going on, and that you would also like some input.....the worst thing about these family events are that not everyone is let in on all the details and that can be more than annoying.

Angie

 

[Cheshire Figment]

The party for my mother's 90th birthday in 2004 came to about $6,000. It was a luncheon at a major hotel with about 130 people coming. My sister, who lives near my mother did most of the planning and work but we talked on the phone about what was going on and I did have input. My wife and I were not especially pleased to have to spend over $3,000 plus our air fare and hotel, but how often does one's mother have a 90th birthday?

I would say pay the $200 happily, but mention to SIL that unless you and DH have more input you cannot go over that amount no matter what.

 

[dvcgirl]

I think you're getting off cheap....you're lucky there are so many people who can chip in. We're throwing my in-laws a 50th wedding anniversary party in October which we'll foot the bill for 100%....to the tune of 5-6K. It's like a mini-wedding pretty much. We know not to even bother asking DH's brother and his wife because they'll say that they don't have it.

 

[java]

I don't think $200 is a big amount for a party(you are lucky there are 9 people to split it) I understand your frustration with the planning of the party and not being included...but did you offer to do any of the work? For example did you offer to check out places for a party? Did you work on the guest list? Are you helping with the invitations? Are you working on the menu? My point is that there is whole lot of work in planning a big party. And if $200 keeps you from doing it that is a bargain in my book.
If you really can't afford it that is a different story But a house improvement vs. MIL 80th birthday I say birthday wins. Oh and I would not be the one to be complaining if it is MIL- you can't win in that situation. You will be the "bad" DIL/SIL for the rest of your life. If DH really feels the way you do then let him do the talking.
Also $1800 sounds really low for a party of the size you are talking about. Are you sure they are not asking you for less money that everyone else already?

 

[jeancbpugh]

We got a call from H's sister last week to inform us
Calie

H's sister is obnoxious, BUT at least she has done all the work.

Go and enjoy the party.

If you really can't afford the $200, give H's sister what you can and tell her sorry. Maybe you can pitch in another way; bring your camera and be the event photographer, for example.

 

[jennifer293]

We had a 60th anniversary party for Dh's grandparents in January. We knew we could not foot the bill alone so his cousin and I sent little letters out to all the family members and told them what the estimated cost was gonna be and to please pitch in any amount that they could afford. All of the children of his grandparents of course pitched in the highest amounts since it was their mother and father, but the older grandchildren all pitched in a pretty good amount. We alone pitched in 150.00 and I am the one who did all the planning, organizing,and decorating I even made them a wedding cake because they never had one (It took me 12 hours to decorate)...So no I don't think 200.00 is a lot of money especially if it gets you out of having to do anything to prepare for the party.

 

[mickeyfan2]

It is her 80th birthday and she may not have too many more. I would pay the $200.

 

[idofabric]

I would not want to pay the $200, but that is cheap...
When I have thrown a party for someone in the past, family or not, I have allways assumed that if I planned it , I would pay for it...
Your SIL is either tacky, cheap, or has no idea of good manners. She should have consulted you, but it sounds like the call to your DH was the consult/information/demand for money.

Because you love your H, and it is a special birthday, and maybe not a lot of them left, I think you should pay it.
Do let your SIL know that it was a nice idea for them all to plan a party, but also let them know that in the future you are either involved in the planning or you WON'T pay. And it would be best to be nice about it, but firm!

You do have to live with these people as realtives....

 

[tatooed goofy]

I say pitch in. She should have checked with you before but, this is one of those things that if you don't pitch in and heaven forbid something happen to grandma, you will regret it. GO FOR IT! Just be grateful you don't have to do the leg work for it.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

While a big deal--they should ask if you would like to contribute and not expect it.

It is tacky regardless of the celebration. They should contact you before the planning so that should you be able to contribute in any way--it is all on the table and everyone has equal say in developing the budget.

They don't like it, tough cookies.

My SIL did this one year--they wanted to get dad a b-day gift and EVERYONE decided to go in on it together. Well not everyone, no one asked us, we didn't shop for it--we didn't pick it out. She was nice about it--and it was whatever we could contribute--but she knows what her brother does for a living and it always makes me feel like CRAP b/c we budget for gifts for the year and then they spring for a big ticket purchase.

We did contribute something--but I just think it is wrong to expect that others are able to do something if "telepathy" is not a trait passed along in your family.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

All those who say $200 isn't much. Unless you have access to her personal financial records--you have no idea if that is much or not.

I disagree with paying that much if it isn't affordable. Contribute what you can and if that is nothing--that is fine. (Though a few dollars would be better than $0--people tend to talk even though they have no place to do so).