Is this Passive Aggressive or not?

[snarlingcoyote]

Hmmm, having a debate with a friend over a tactic I just used.

I volunteer with a charity and for the past year and a half have had a set weekend I work. My job is pretty stressful, so on that week, I usually wind up working about 15 extra hours Monday thru Friday just to make up for the fact I won't be working on Saturday. This week I had an event with this group Weds. evening, so didn't work and will have an event Sunday afternoon, so I was planning to work evening Saturday and evening Sunday, and did some really long stretches of work during the week.

At 10pm last night, the person who assigns the schedule - and that is her only responsibility as per this event, she does not attend and has nothing to do with anything else related to this activity which occurs every Saturday - sent out the schedule and my name wasn't on it. Now, I'm already committed to helping someone else set up for this event (I have an SUV and can cart things) and take down from this event, so I will spend at least an hour at start and end.

The person who assigns the schedule has pulled some very, very Mean Girl type tricks - she's in her late 50's but apparently never got past high school socially, I guess - on me in the past, but I've always just acted like I had no clue what she was doing and let it go.

This time, however, I was a little ticked and sent an e-mail out to everyone on the mailing list in a very, very friendly tone asking her to, in the future, let me know before 10PM the night before if I wouldn't be needed on my monthly weekend, as we all have busy lives and I really have to rearrange my schedule to make this event every month.

Now, my friend says this is passive aggressive. I hold that it isn't. I said exactly what I meant - I have a busy life and I have to rearrange my schedule to make this event every month and notice sooner than 10pm would be nice. I meant it to be a public comment so that she couldn't crawfish and tell the people who actually co-ordinate this event something different from the truth on why I wasn't there. (She did this once before last Spring, but sent the e-mail out in a timely manner, so it wasn't such a big deal to rearrange my life and talk to the co-ordinator.)

I was extraordinarily nice in tone in the e-mail, but very direct. If asked, I have no problem saying "well, yes, I meant it to go to everyone. I wanted everyone to know that I hadn't ducked my responsibility." I plan to tack on to it "I'm sure XYV just forgot it was my weekend, but I'll be there next month, don't worry!" which is entirely possible, in case she did just forget, and it lets her lick her wounds a little.

So is it or isn't it a passive aggressive manuever? I agree that it could be a passive aggressive manuever, but in this case it isn't, I didn't send it to everyone, oh oops. I sent it to everyone on purpose. The people who volunteer casually will see a friendly reminder email, people I volunteer with and the people who are in charge of the activity will know I didn't duck out intentionally. (I'll still be setting up and taking down, actually.) The person who excluded me will get a reminder not to forget I'm on the calender and will know that she has to own up to it and not blame me for not being there.

 

[Christine]

I don't think it was passive aggressive at all.

 

[Keli]

No, doesn't meet my criteria for passive aggressive either because you aren't going to claim you 'accidently' sent the email to everyone. It was a bold move and don't be surprised if the scheduling woman reacts in a big way. I'm guessing she's really ticked right now because at best her mistake was just broadcast to everyone...
Good luck with everything. This must be a charity you care deeply about to work so hard during the week so that you can give them your weekend.

 

[Jennasis]

It was excruciatingly passive aggressive.

Sending the e-mail to the entire group was so unnecessary and is what makes what you did so very passive aggressive. Even if you "meant" to send it to everyone.

Just my opinion of course.

 

[msmayor]

Well, you said your name wasn't on the schedule, and that she DOES the schedule, so wouldn't everyone then know that she didn't schedule you for your usual weekend?

I do think there was a little bit of passive-aggressive intent there. The message was intended for the scheduler, but you purposely chose to let everyone know you had a small problem with her.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Annnnndddd I'm off! Have to go help set up. May be back after that, may wind up staying anyway. Just didn't want people to think I'd posted and then gone away. I'll be back.

 

[Ceila]

Hmmm, having a debate with a friend over a tactic I just used.

I volunteer with a charity and for the past year and a half have had a set weekend I work. My job is pretty stressful, so on that week, I usually wind up working about 15 extra hours Monday thru Friday just to make up for the fact I won't be working on Saturday. This week I had an event with this group Weds. evening, so didn't work and will have an event Sunday afternoon, so I was planning to work evening Saturday and evening Sunday, and did some really long stretches of work during the week.

At 10pm last night, the person who assigns the schedule - and that is her only responsibility as per this event, she does not attend and has nothing to do with anything else related to this activity which occurs every Saturday - sent out the schedule and my name wasn't on it. Now, I'm already committed to helping someone else set up for this event (I have an SUV and can cart things) and take down from this event, so I will spend at least an hour at start and end.

The person who assigns the schedule has pulled some very, very Mean Girl type tricks - she's in her late 50's but apparently never got past high school socially, I guess - on me in the past, but I've always just acted like I had no clue what she was doing and let it go.

This time, however, I was a little ticked and sent an e-mail out to everyone on the mailing list in a very, very friendly tone asking her to, in the future, let me know before 10PM the night before if I wouldn't be needed on my monthly weekend, as we all have busy lives and I really have to rearrange my schedule to make this event every month.

Now, my friend says this is passive aggressive. I hold that it isn't. I said exactly what I meant - I have a busy life and I have to rearrange my schedule to make this event every month and notice sooner than 10pm would be nice. I meant it to be a public comment so that she couldn't crawfish and tell the people who actually co-ordinate this event something different from the truth on why I wasn't there. (She did this once before last Spring, but sent the e-mail out in a timely manner, so it wasn't such a big deal to rearrange my life and talk to the co-ordinator.)

I was extraordinarily nice in tone in the e-mail, but very direct. If asked, I have no problem saying "well, yes, I meant it to go to everyone. I wanted everyone to know that I hadn't ducked my responsibility." I plan to tack on to it "I'm sure XYV just forgot it was my weekend, but I'll be there next month, don't worry!" which is entirely possible, in case she did just forget, and it lets her lick her wounds a little.

So is it or isn't it a passive aggressive manuever? I agree that it could be a passive aggressive manuever, but in this case it isn't, I didn't send it to everyone, oh oops. I sent it to everyone on purpose. The people who volunteer casually will see a friendly reminder email, people I volunteer with and the people who are in charge of the activity will know I didn't duck out intentionally. (I'll still be setting up and taking down, actually.) The person who excluded me will get a reminder not to forget I'm on the calender and will know that she has to own up to it and not blame me for not being there.

Yes, it was absolutely passive-aggressive. Or maybe just aggressive. But either way, you are in the wrong.

You're choosing to act as if she left you off of the schedule on purpose, even though you admit that it could have been by mistake.

Also, you could have handled it by communicating with the woman directly, maybe including those who are in charge, but you chose to involve everyone. You're trying to play off sending it to everyone on purpose as the reason it's not PA, but doing that was rude. I highly doubt anyone would have thought twice about you not being there; you're using that to excuse your actions. They probably would have assumed you had a valid reason for not coming. You wanted them all to know what she did (even though you don't even know if she did it out of spite or not), so you sent it to all of them.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Well, you said your name wasn't on the schedule, and that she DOES the schedule, so wouldn't everyone then know that she didn't schedule you for your usual weekend?

I do think there was a little bit of passive-aggressive intent there. The message was intended for the scheduler, but you purposely chose to let everyone know you had a small problem with her.

Yeah, that's what friend says. But how else do I let everyone know, nicely, without slamming scheduler, what's going on? This lets her save a little face. She has never liked me because she wasn't invited onto a committee I co-chaired a long time ago - and I had no clue she wanted to be on the committee! So I've always tried to just be extra nice to her, even when she's been petty to me.

I can't just send an e-mail out and be direct, that's really mean and accusatory, and what if she did it unintentionally? If it was unintentional, we're good, if it was intentional, she can pretend it was unintentional and we're good.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I don't blame you for wanting to do it, but I agree with your friend it was passive aggressive. And further, I think you know it, too.

it lets her lick her wounds a little

I think this would have been better - and more professional.

you could have handled it by communicating with the woman directly, maybe including those who are in charge

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hmmm, having a debate with a friend over a tactic I just used.

I volunteer with a charity and for the past year and a half have had a set weekend I work. My job is pretty stressful, so on that week, I usually wind up working about 15 extra hours Monday thru Friday just to make up for the fact I won't be working on Saturday. This week I had an event with this group Weds. evening, so didn't work and will have an event Sunday afternoon, so I was planning to work evening Saturday and evening Sunday, and did some really long stretches of work during the week.

At 10pm last night, the person who assigns the schedule - and that is her only responsibility as per this event, she does not attend and has nothing to do with anything else related to this activity which occurs every Saturday - sent out the schedule and my name wasn't on it. Now, I'm already committed to helping someone else set up for this event (I have an SUV and can cart things) and take down from this event, so I will spend at least an hour at start and end.

The person who assigns the schedule has pulled some very, very Mean Girl type tricks - she's in her late 50's but apparently never got past high school socially, I guess - on me in the past, but I've always just acted like I had no clue what she was doing and let it go.

This time, however, I was a little ticked and sent an e-mail out to everyone on the mailing list in a very, very friendly tone asking her to, in the future, let me know before 10PM the night before if I wouldn't be needed on my monthly weekend, as we all have busy lives and I really have to rearrange my schedule to make this event every month.

Now, my friend says this is passive aggressive. I hold that it isn't. I said exactly what I meant - I have a busy life and I have to rearrange my schedule to make this event every month and notice sooner than 10pm would be nice. I meant it to be a public comment so that she couldn't crawfish and tell the people who actually co-ordinate this event something different from the truth on why I wasn't there. (She did this once before last Spring, but sent the e-mail out in a timely manner, so it wasn't such a big deal to rearrange my life and talk to the co-ordinator.)

I was extraordinarily nice in tone in the e-mail, but very direct. If asked, I have no problem saying "well, yes, I meant it to go to everyone. I wanted everyone to know that I hadn't ducked my responsibility." I plan to tack on to it "I'm sure XYV just forgot it was my weekend, but I'll be there next month, don't worry!" which is entirely possible, in case she did just forget, and it lets her lick her wounds a little.

So is it or isn't it a passive aggressive manuever? I agree that it could be a passive aggressive manuever, but in this case it isn't, I didn't send it to everyone, oh oops. I sent it to everyone on purpose. The people who volunteer casually will see a friendly reminder email, people I volunteer with and the people who are in charge of the activity will know I didn't duck out intentionally. (I'll still be setting up and taking down, actually.) The person who excluded me will get a reminder not to forget I'm on the calender and will know that she has to own up to it and not blame me for not being there.

Agree with previous poster that said this is just aggressive behavior, nothing passive about it. You are giving her a public berating via email to the group.

Now whether she deserves it or not is another matter in itself. It is obvious that there is bad blood between you guys.

If you want to be direct with her you pick up the phone and call her about the scheduling.

Frankly, this breaks my cardinal rule of never putting "things" in writing because it can come back to haunt you.

If you are going to "have it out" with someone, my first choice is always face to face.

1) Gives you time to calm down.
2) Let's you find out "backstory" so you don't look like a fool to the group if it was a legit mistake.
3) Your word against mine is easier to skirt that emails which are set in stone.
4) You are now "on people's list" of being aggressive if you don't get your way. In other words you make yourself look bad in that you cannot handle the issues you have with mean lady in a more professional manner. You look unprofessional.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Agree with previous poster that said this is just aggressive behavior, nothing passive about it. You are giving her a public berating

I'll disagree because of her tone being "exceedingly nice" even though she was "ticked". If it was a public berating, then an angry tone would have been ok.

It really wasn't what it appeared to be, therefore it was passive - IMO.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'll disagree because of her tone being "exceedingly nice" even though she was "ticked". If it was a public berating, then an angry tone would have been ok.

It really wasn't what it appeared to be, therefore it was passive - IMO.

There was no reason for her to even send that email out to a group. It was an aggressive act. I don't care how much you spray perfume on a pile of dog poo, it is still poo.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

It's not passive

 

[Christine]

There was no reason for her to even send that email out to a group. It was an aggressive act. I don't care how much you spray perfume on a pile of dog poo, it is still poo.

I agree it was an aggressive act (and there's nothing wrong with people being a little more aggressive with this sort of stuff), but it wasn't "passive". When someone is passive aggressive, they usually are obstructionists or they thwart things with inaction and then try to fake their way out of it.

This action wasn't passive.

And if we are to believe the OP, this woman has a history of actually being passive-aggressive herself and doing stuff to be difficult to the OP. With these types of personalities, it is often best to pull stuff out in the open which then makes it impossible for them to be more passive aggressive in their retaliation.

I actually agree with the way the OP handled it, given that I take her at her word for how this other woman behaves. She put her actions right out there for everyone to see but did not ridicule her or make her look bad or assume publicly that the woman had done something (passive-aggressive) on purpose.

 

[mjkacmom]

Passive agressive. A non passive agressive would be to email the woman, and ask why the OP wasn't on the schedule, a blunt question.

 

[Acklander]

Passive agressive. A non passive agressive would be to email the woman, and ask why the OP wasn't on the schedule, a blunt question.

This.
It wasn't necessary to send it to the entire group.

If it were me, I'd talk to the person in charge of the schedule directly about my schedule, and maybe clear the air. I wouldn't send an e-mail. If, for some reason, I was unable to meet directly with the person, I would have sent just her the e-mail. By sending it to the whole group, it comes off as if you haven't left the junior high games behind either, and I'm sure that wasn't your intentions.

 

[walden]

Nothing passive about it!

In fact, the OP was probably more "passive agressive" when she didn't confront the scheduler on previous occasions. She just sucked it up and ignored the behavior. If she had confronted the person directly and in person back then, the behavior might not have recurred, and she would not have been so frustrated that she hit the send to all button!

Yes, that was overkill, but I do sympathise with the OP! The scheduler is very annoying.

 

[Scurvy]

I wouldn't call it passive-aggressive, but I don't think it was appropriate. You shouldn't have sent the email to everyone. Emailing her about it was fine, because you do have a valid complaint about her behavior. But there was no reason to drag everyone else into it. No one would would think you were ducking your responsibility because they would know you weren't on the schedule. Besides, since you were planning on being there part of the time even though you weren't scheduled to be, if anything it makes you look like you're going above and beyond for the group. I don't think emailing everyone serves any purpose except to air your grievance with the scheduler in front of everyone, which might make all the bystanders you've now involved in this feel very uncomfortable.

 

[Christine]

I wouldn't call it passive-aggressive, but I don't think it was appropriate. You shouldn't have sent the email to everyone. Emailing her about it was fine, because you do have a valid complaint about her behavior. But there was no reason to drag everyone else into it. No one would would think you were ducking your responsibility because they would know you weren't on the schedule.

I meant it to be a public comment so that she couldn't crawfish and tell the people who actually co-ordinate this event something different from the truth on why I wasn't there. (She did this once before last Spring, but sent the e-mail out in a timely manner, so it wasn't such a big deal to rearrange my life and talk to the co-ordinator.)

I think the OP had a very valid reason for putting everyone on the e-mail. The woman in question has exhibited passive-aggressive behavior in the past and she wanted to take away the woman's chances of having the ability to resort to childish behavior again. Putting it all out there, stops her. Given the woman's history and personality, sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. The best way to stop a person from continuing passive-aggressive behavior is to out them. It forces them to behave on the up and up.

 

[NMAmy]

Yeah, that's what friend says. But how else do I let everyone know, nicely, without slamming scheduler, what's going on?

I guess I don't understand why "everyone" needs to know.

She has never liked me because she wasn't invited onto a committee I co-chaired a long time ago - and I had no clue she wanted to be on the committee!

Well, I'm betting you can count on her never being fond of you after this.

I can't just send an e-mail out and be direct, that's really mean and accusatory, and what if she did it unintentionally? If it was unintentional, we're good, if it was intentional, she can pretend it was unintentional and we're good.

Why not just email and ask her directly instead of dragging everyone else into your fight with her? If you get a reply that you find unacceptable, then forward it directly to whoever is in charge and calmly explain that you're having an issue with her.