Is this normal for coaching?

[MushyMushy]

My daughter recently started playing junior high volleyball. My kids have never played sports other than a season or two of community soccer when they were little.

Anyway, both of her coaches are very young -- like seemingly just out of high school themselves. They both scream at the girls. In the middle of the games, they're screeching out orders to the girls and they can't even seem to focus on the games for all the yelling! The coaches will throw their hands up in the air and yell for all to hear "she's an idiot! if she doesn't figure out where she needs to be, I'm pulling her OUT OF THE GAME!!!" and things of that nature. I've not once heard them tell a girl "nice try" or "good going" for anything.

I've watched other coaches at the games and they don't yell at their teams like that.

Last night, DD was at an away game and she came home a sobbing mess. The coach had singled her out and was screaming that she doesn't care about the game, and isn't putting enough effort, and is too chicken to go after the ball. She could have handled that, but then a bunch of other girls started yelling at her too, to back the coach up. UM, NOT acceptable, in my opinion!!!

I feel bad for her and the other girls! She was so happy being on the team until this. I told her not to take it personally because everyone gets screamed at like that. I don't know, it just seems to me like it's no way to build teamwork!

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

My DD's bball coach is a real screamer. He doesn't call them names though. But he constantly screams for them to do things. I mean constantly.

After one particularly bad game he asked me if he was a screaming lunatic. Yep, you were. He then had the nerve to ask if he was screaming at the kids. My response was "Well you weren't screaming at the refs, you weren't screaming at the parents and you weren't screaming at the other team. That only leaves our kids that you were screaming at." His response was "Really? I was that bad?" Yep, you were. He was better this past week.

But to be honest, the constant screaming has completely turned my DD off. She told me that once the season is over (2 more games ) she's done with bball. She told me she will go watch the games but she would rather have horseback riding lessons instead. She gets screamed at less during Karate class and her instructors are all prison guards during the day. She doesn't handle yelling well.

 

[golfgal]

No, it is not normal and I would have a chat with them-especially if they are as young as you say--about setting a good role model for the kids AND remind them that it is MIDDLE school volleyball, not the Olympics. If that goes no where, you need to address this with the athletic director (25+ years of coaching experience here).

The yelling itself doesn't bother me as much mainly because gyms are noisy and sometimes that is the only way to be heard. Calling the kids names is another story.

 

[MushyMushy]

That's funny he asked you that!

DD's band director is FIERCE! The man has a ton of passion and it often comes out as yelling, but the kids never mistake it for anything but excitement and it just fuels them to do better. The kids in the band give it their all. Then I watch these coaches and they just look upset and angry all the time. The girls all look worried and are constantly looking over their shoulders at them for their reactions. How can they focus on a game when they're being screamed at as a ball is being lobbed over a net?

Anyway, the whole band director point is that she's used to yelling. She's just not used to this meanness.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Some coaches are indeed jerks. I've had a few of those myself. Love of the game kept me involved in spite of those few.

Good coaches know how to coach without calling insults. If she's suffering more than she's enjoying or learning, find another coach or find a new game.

 

[Jennasis]

My DD's bball coach is a real screamer. He doesn't call them names though. But he constantly screams for them to do things. I mean constantly.

After one particularly bad game he asked me if he was a screaming lunatic. Yep, you were. He then had the nerve to ask if he was screaming at the kids. My response was "Well you weren't screaming at the refs, you weren't screaming at the parents and you weren't screaming at the other team. That only leaves our kids that you were screaming at." His response was "Really? I was that bad?" Yep, you were. He was better this past week.

But to be honest, the constant screaming has completely turned my DD off. She told me that once the season is over (2 more games ) she's done with bball. She told me she will go watch the games but she would rather have horseback riding lessons instead. She gets screamed at less during Karate class and her instructors are all prison guards during the day. She doesn't handle yelling well.

When I take my students to horse-shows, I am routinely amazed at the number of SCREAMING lunatic instructors out there in the arena warming their riders up or hovering at the rail during a class. I'm stymied why people pay these freaks good money to berate their children.

I've picked up quite a few new students at those shows, when their parents watch the interaction I have with my kids (and the results we get).

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

When I take my students to horse-shows, I am routinely amazed at the number of SCREAMING lunatic instructors out there in the arena warming their riders up or hovering at the rail during a class. I'm stymied why people pay these freaks good money to berate their children.

I've picked up quite a few new students at those shows, when their parents watch the interaction I have with my kids (and the results we get).

I took riding lessons for years, never showed though. I was never screamed at. I guess I shouldn't be amazed that instructors scream, but I am. And yes, I told her she could have lessons come summer.
I'm a sucker for all things horses.

 

[lovesmurfs]

It's NOT normal, and it's wrong. I would definitely talk to the coach outside of the ball game. First instinct would be to let her quit -- sobbing messes are not appropriate for any team sports! -- but then she doesn't get the learning experience of working through a problem and feeling like she's triumphed.

DS16 nearly didn't go out for baseball this year. He loves the sport, hates the sophomore coach. I told him he'd be working with difficult people the rest of his life, and if he truly wants to continue in baseball, he needs to learn how to deal with it.

He's had some challenges with other school stuff interfering with baseball already, and he was nervous about approaching this coach. Last night he told me that of all the teachers he had to deal with, the coach was the best of them, and that he was really surprised.

Do talk with him, or talk with the principal -- our principal would always attend the games -- and s/he can see it in action.

Best wishes and for your DD.

 

[merekc]

I would talk to the coaches and take it up the chain if necessary. I have no problem with coaches yelling, but name calling and excessive screaming seems like a big no no to me.

If they take the critiscism well, maybe consider following up with a coaching book. If they are mature enough, and it is presented in the right way hopefully you could get it across to them that it is a resource not an insult.

I bought my DH a coaching book for baseball after reading good reviews of it. After he read some of it and agreed it was good, I went ahead and bought copies for all of the coaches on our youth baseball team. I picked up used copies from Amazon (after checking Ebay prices also). Cost me about $5 a book and they seemed to appreciate the gesture for what it was intended.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I would talk to the coaches and take it up the chain if necessary. I have no problem with coaches yelling, but name calling and excessive screaming seems like a big no no to me.

If they take the critiscism well, maybe consider following up with a coaching book. If they are mature enough, and it is presented in the right way hopefully you could get it across to them that it is a resource not an insult.

I bought my DH a coaching book for baseball after reading good reviews of it. After he read some of it and agreed it was good, I went ahead and bought copies for all of the coaches on our youth baseball team. I picked up used copies from Amazon (after checking Ebay prices also). Cost me about $5 a book and they seemed to appreciate the gesture for what it was intended.

Saying that your DD doesn't care about the game is over the top too. It sets a very bad tone for the whole team. The coach should be building them up, not tearing them down.

I don't condone coaches or any authority figure singling kids out and yelling at them or calling them names. I don't speak to my kids that way, I certainly don't expect that kind of treatment from any one else, especially another adult that is in a "helping" role.

 

[MushyMushy]

I'm not actually going to do this, but I thought about videotaping a game and showing it to one of the coaches. These women look miserable and angry through the entire game! I shudder to think of the frown lines they're developing.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I'm not actually going to do this, but I thought about videotaping a game and showing it to one of the coaches. These women look miserable and angry through the entire game! I shudder to think of the frown lines they're developing.

I think this is a fabulous idea. Maybe they don't realize how they are behaving. I will say that once our coach asked my opinion, and I told him, he really did try harder the next week. Of course that was the only game we lost so he may be back to screaming this coming Saturday.

 

[dis-happy]

When I take my students to horse-shows, I am routinely amazed at the number of SCREAMING lunatic instructors out there in the arena warming their riders up or hovering at the rail during a class. I'm stymied why people pay these freaks good money to berate their children.

I've picked up quite a few new students at those shows, when their parents watch the interaction I have with my kids (and the results we get).

What is it about horse shows??? We used to joke with our (nice) trainer that she should yell at my dd and then charge twice as much for her services.


I agree, a good coach doesn't need to yell and scream to be effective.

 

[mjkacmom]

DH finally "fired" one of his assistant travel soccer coaches for this after the parents complained enough. First he was kicked off the field, but then he was in the bleachers with the parents, and some moms kept telling him off. Finally DH had enough (DH yells, only to be heard, but nothing negative).

 

[ndelaware]

I would be talking to the school principal about the coach.

My daughters both play MS volleyball and i have been to every game and have never seen a coach on any team scream at a kid.

 

[Jennasis]

What is it about horse shows??? We used to joke with our (nice) trainer that she should yell at my dd and then charge twice as much for her services.


I agree, a good coach doesn't need to yell and scream to be effective.

I know, right?!? At the last show we attended, a mom almost got into a fist fight with her kid's trainer. He was being a total tool, and was way out of line. His idea wasn't wrong, but his approach was out of order. I was standing with one of my clients and she leaned over to me and put her hand on my shoulder and said "thank you for being you!". About 20 minutes later, the angry mom comes over to me and says she's been watching me and my kids at the shows and likes what she sees and how she and her current trainer don't see eye to eye and do I have any openings?

Why yes...yes I do.

 

[manning]

I guess it is all about winning, no matter what.

It's been more years than I want to admit to how long it has been since high school. The coach was a task driver, but if we won we won and if we lost we lost. He would always say above all we are here to have fun. Just do your best. We won more than we lost. Even titles. And everyone got to play.

 

[Coach K]

Making a video of the coaches is a good idea. Make 2 copies. Show the first to the coaches themselves. Explain to them that the second video is going to the AD and the school board. I used to coach with some success in another sport (2 All-Americans). The only time I had to yell was to be heard. As a coach, you never, ever tear down a kid in front of there peers or a crowd-no matter how much experience they have. My kids always knew when I was upset without even me talking to them. There are times that you have to admonish someone-but you do it in private when you can concentrate on them in a one-on-one setting and in a calm manner. You also though, do not want them to quit because someone is being hard on them-that is part of life. But it sounds like these two are over the top.