Is this a valid apology?

[NMAmy]

"I'm sorry if _____" implies that the fault is not really with the person "apologizing" and that perhaps the other person shouldn't be getting upset at it.

If you're really apologizing, much better to just say "I'm sorry I said this or did this." That makes it very clear.

So I vote cheesy, non-apology

I'm with you, jrydberg! Definitely a non-apology. About the same as, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Apologies should be about taking responsibility.

 

[Tigger_Magic]

So I vote cheesy, non-apology

Another vote that it was a non-apology. Just don't use the word "if" in an apology. It dilutes the message.

 

[RitaZ.]

Another vote that it was a non-apology. Just don't use the word "if" in an apology. It dilutes the message.

Exactly! For me, it's the use of the word if.

 

[Serena]

I think it depends on the person saying it.

 

[Maleficent13]

I'm with the people who said there's a BIG "but" at the end of "If you're upset, I'm sorry" AND "I'm sorry if you're upset". This is what I say when I am talking to an employee who screwed up and is now protesting being chastised.

 

[Tinkerbelle739]

If I say "If I upset you, I'm sorry", does that mean I'm really apologizing, or trying to get out of it?

A friend of mine (from the north) insists it's trying to weasel out of an apology. I insist that it's legit (I'm from the west/south) because it's another way of saying "I'm sorry I upset you", but saying "If you're upset, I'm sorry" is trying to weasel out of it -- rephrased, "I'm sorry you're upset".

I'm curious if this is a regional thing, or what.

Isn't the phrase, "If I upset you, I'm sorry" usually followed by "but..."

That would not be a real apology in my book!

 

[Disney Ella]

Definitely not an apology. To me, it really means "I'm sorry I have to deal with you being upset." If you are really sorry, you apologize for the specific thing you did.

 

[Martha7]

I agree with the other posters. I'd really love to hear, "I'm sorry. I was wrong," but my DH has solved the dilemna by deciding never to apologize for anything! Makes life much simpler!

 

[yeartolate]

I see nothing "wrong" with the sentiment.

Johnny wants to go to UC Berkeley. His father wanted him to go to Stanford. His father was upset that he did not go to Stanford. Johnny is not sorry he is going to Stanford - but he is sorry if upset hes dad.

 

[Serena]

Martha, my ex was like that. It's not nice at all.

 

[vettechick99]

"If I upset you, I'm sorry" means "I said/did something I felt was right but you got upset. So I'm sorry you're upset".

If you aren't satisfied with the apology, ask for another and tell them why. Quite possibly they don't feel like they need to apologize. I think it's more important to be on the same page than anything.

 

[bicker]

Perhaps it is a bit of symantics, but I think "I'm sorry I upset you" is actually less accurate than "I'm sorry you're upset." To say, "I'm sorry I upset you," implied that I actually have the power to make you feel something you don't want to feel. Each person decides for themselves how to feel about situations. Someone who actually objects to "I'm sorry you're upset," is abrogating their own responsibility for their own feelings.

I think this takes away a person's responsibility to act civilly and be responsible for their behaviors. (To some extent).

I don't see how. In order for that to be the case, the person would have to have acted uncivil. It that isn't the case, then why apologize for expressing what you expressed? The only thing to be apologetic for, perhaps, at that point, is that the other person got upset.

Personal accountability is extremely important to me, but it works both ways: Take responsibility for what you do, AND don't take responsibility for what you didn't do.

I have know some people (primarily in the counseling field) who behave atrociously, and then give the "I am sorry you are upset" without taking responsibilitiy for their behavior that caused the problem.

Well they're just cads. The fact that someone (the OP) is asking about what is a valid apology indicates that we're not talking about actual bad behavior, but rather a case where a friend decided to get offended on their own AFAIC.

To me it says: I did something that upset you. I'm sorry you are upset and hurt, but I am not sorry about the thing that I did that caused it.

Precisely, and indeed that is a very valid position to take.

Johnny wants to go to UC Berkeley. His father wanted him to go to Stanford. His father was upset that he did not go to Stanford. Johnny is not sorry he is going to Stanford - but he is sorry if upset hes dad.

Excellent example.