Is there a man-code that says men can't diss each other?

[Disney1fan2002]

My FIL was EXTREMELY rude on Thanksgiving. Now, nromally, I don't let things bother me like that, but what he did stayed with me for days, and I finally told my Dh how rude it was. My DH was DEFENDING him, and didn't see the problem.

Here is what happened. A few weeks ago, I found out MIL has not seen the Polar Express. I tell her it comes out on DVD on Tuesday, the 22nd. I planned on it being our Thanksgiving night movie. Well, she jumps right on it, and offers to pick it up. She really wants to see it with the kids. Great. She is going to buy it, and bring it with her when they come for Thanksgiving.

OK, here is where I admit, we made a mistake. We did not inform the men that this was our plan ahead of time. We should of, and that is our fault. Still no excuse for what FIL did.

So, football is on during the meal preparation, football continues to be on after we eat. Fine, football is part of Thanksgiving. We enjoy some dessert, and the kids are enjoying their uncles and grandparents. By 4PM, my 9yo DS can't take it much more, he wants to watch the movie. I caught him trying to load it into the DVD-Rom on the computer! I explained we were going to watch it as a family, and he needed to wait. He wanted to know when.

I was thinking, if we put it in around 7pm, FIL would get impatient about wanting to go home, when I knew MIL wanted to see the movie. So I figured 5pm would be a good time to start the movie, and they could leave at a decent hour. So, I told DS to announce to the men they had a one hour warning on the TV. The movie was going to be put in at 5PM. I said this loud enough for them to hear ME. DS gives them the message, and MIL and I chat for an hour. At 5PM, my DS gets the movie ready. I tell the"boys" it is movie time. My FIL yells at my DS for touching the TV. He can't believe he shut off the football game, and he was going home. I thought at first he was joking, but, honest to goodness, he got up in a huff, and went to the closet, got his jacket, and was going home. The entire time he was GRIPING about the kid and changing the TV. How do you think my son must of felt??? Myself and MIL reminded him that we gave an hour notice, and he said "well WHO the hell is he??" Excuse me? HE is my son, and HE was doing what I told him to do. So I guess because it came from a 9 yo, the warning of giving up the TV meant nothing.

MIL kept telling him to change his tone, he was making the kids feel bad. He just grabbed his stuff, told someone to bring their mother home, he was going home to watch the game.

So, when I metioned to DH how rude his father was, Dh was like "what? he just wanted to see the game until half-time" and I asked "then what?" He said "Then he would of gone home to finish the game" Oh, so the outcome would of been the same? He would of gone home anyway? Then the kids and grandma would had to wait that much longer for the TV, just so Papa could leave? We have 4 other TV's in this house. Dh tried telling his father that he could put the game on in another room. He wanted no part of it.

Leaving I did not care about. If he wanted to leave, that was his choice, but for him to act like a 3 year old, and leave in such a hissy-fit, making my kids feel like heels, THAT was a little over the top, and I can't believe my DH can't see it.

 

[eeyore kelly]

FIL was rude. DH shouldn't have let him talk about his child that way.

 

[Sandcass]

Yikes, that's not good.

I know my DH can't stand for anybody to say anything negative about his father. He himself can OCCASIONALLY be annoyed by his dad, but I don't DARE say anything. It's kinda weird to me. My DH is 33 and still has that little boy hero-worship thing about his dad. It's especially hard for me to understand since I grew up w/o a dad. My inlaws are the very old-fashion, the man is the head-of-the-household, ruler-of-the-universe kind of family and I DO NOT GET IT. If my FIL said to leave on the game, that's what would happen. The kids & moms would be the ones finding another tv.

Try not to let his attitude ruin your memories of Thanksgiving! Hopefully your Christmas has a happier ending!

 

[Chuck S]

FIL was rude and his reaction uncalled for. No one should talk that way about a child, nor should they disrespect your household...it is your house.

In hindsight, you probably should have turned a TV in another room to the game (so it was already ON and the"men folks" wouldn't have missed but a few seconds of the game, then, at 5pm announced that those who want to watch the game can move to that TV, but that you need the TV they were watching to watch the movie. But that in no way excuses your FILs actions.

 

[Doug123]

Some people's inflexibility and self-centeredness amaze me on a regular basis. This is one of those times. Rude is rude, and that was rude.

 

[Tiggeroo]

was this your house or his? If it's yours he was way out of line. Could the kids have watched in another room? Cranky old men are sometimes inflexible.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

You should have asked your husband if he ever plans on treating his grandkids that way.

 

[MICKEY88]

there is NO MAN_CODE that men can't diss each other,

FIL's actions were inappropriate,

however.. I'm guessing this is not the 1st time the men have watched football on Thanksgiving day, it's a tradition in most US households.., if that's the case, why would you and MIL decide to interrupt if there were other tv's available. it should have been addressed with your husband prior to the day........he then could have told the men upon arrival, that they would be watching the game on another TV so you could watch the movie..

it was wrong to stick a 9 year old in the middle, I've seen children try to take over the tv because it's their house and they can do it when there is no company involved, probably what the men thought was happening...

again FIL was wrong with what he said, however it was disrespectful for your son to turn off the game on the adults,

in my house and my extended family, it's always been the same, children get the tv to watch parades etc. in the morning, football takes over the afternoon, then the kids get to watch tv after football, they understand and have no problems with the setup..

 

[lillygator]

wow - he was rude....although too bad MIL didn't let him know of the plans. Football on tgiving is tradition for us and that is one reason we end up staying home most of the time. If we go to the inlaws we can watch some with no sound and then she wants to watch xmas movies.......

 

[foolishmortal]

Ok the actual yelling at the son part is unforgivable, I will admit that, BUT!!!

Here is the other side of the story!

How would the "ladies" have felt if the movie was on first and halfway through the movie the men came in and turned it to football????

IT GOES BOTH WAYS.

The late game was Denver vs Dallas which was the best football game all weekend not just of the day.

I think there should have been another TV either turned on to football for them to watch or for the dvd to be played in.

Again I am sure if the movie would have been playing first the post would have read the same but with FIL being bad because he changed movie to football. Either way he would have looked bad. How many other years has your family watched movies DURING the football game?

I guess that is the real question. If the answer is never or hardly ever than I would have been mad too, because if the men ALWAYS get to watch football then why is it different this year. But if the answer is every year then yes the FIL is wrong on all accounts.

I know I will probably be flamed but I wanted to give the other side a voice

 

[cardaway]

"So, I told DS to announce to the men they had a one hour warning on the TV. The movie was going to be put in at 5PM."

IMO that was the beginning of the rudeness. While the reaction was over the top, the reasons were justified IMO.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

While your FIL acted like a child, I think the plans should have been mentioned beforehand and an alternate TV should have been available for the game. Giving the guys a one-hour warning also seems quite childish. I think it was bad all the way around.

 

[minkydog]

A whole lotta rudeness going on...Your FIL was rude and your DH defended his dad. It's his DAD, for crying out loud--of course he's gonna defend him. My guess is that this is not the first time FIL has blown up about something. You knew this was going to be a problem--that's why you sent a 9yo to "announce" the change of plans instead of taking care of it yourself--that was thoughtless and put your 9yo in an unwinnable position. I hate football, but no way would I have changed the channel during an ongoing game--that's rude too! If you planned show a video, could you have set it up in another room and avoided the whole confrontation? Does the whole family have to watch everything together? I submit that everyone go to their corners and cool off and ya'll try to plan better next time. It sounds to me like everyone needs a nap

 

[JESW]

Sorry about your FIL. It must have been the holiday since my FIL had a hissy fit over the kids (the other two grandkids) when we celebrated with them the other week. We all thought he was joking too but his outburst was in anger. Put a damper on the whole day...

Jill

 

[Tigger_Magic]

Have to agree with the others here -- there was a whole lot of dis-ing /rude behavior going on starting with the 1-hour warning. The OP recognized the bottom line: something should have been said before the event started. It's always easier to manage expectations before they are set than afterward.

I'd suggest at the next family event you announce plans well in advance and if it's at your house, divide up the 4 TVs among the various activities (sports, movies, etc.).

 

[NMAmy]

This whole story makes me very glad that dh doesn't watch football or any kind of sports.

Really, if it was going to cause a big ruckus, I don't understand why one group couldn't watch football on one tv and the movie group watch that on another tv.

I can understand you being upset with your fil for yelling at your son (who was only doing what he was told) but it seems like the poor kid was put in the middle by being told to switch it to the movie.

 

[Marseeya]

I'm with those who think there was a whole bunch of rudeness going on, but FIL was wayyy out of line in his response to your DS! How could he talk about his own grandson that way?

I've been on the opposite side of that. I was at a friend's house with my kids, spending a weekend. Her DH and I were watching a really interestng TV show and my friend promised the kids they could watch a movie on the widescreen, so she made a general announcement to the kids about it, then came and shut off what we were watching. It was really rude! And it was also a situation where they had several televisions in the house.

I'm a mother and even I don't think the kids should have their every whims met over those of adults.

Anyway, sorry your FIL was such a whiney baby.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

I know there are men here defending the right to watch football. I am not going to argue that point. Was I rude in my own house, probably, yes I was.

My MIL is disabled. My house has many stairs. It is a multi level house. For her to be in the kitchen, means she has to go down 7 steps to enter the family room, she uses a cane to walk, and her hips are almost non-functioning. Any other room in the house for a TV means going to a lower level in the house (4 more steps) or watching TV in our bedroom. Everyone in the family knows that MIL comfort is the priority. The ONLY TV that movie could be played on so MIL could watch, was the family room TV.

When I had my son "announce" a warning..it was in jest. I truly thought 5-6 hours of football would of been enough and the men could give up the TV. No, football is not the end-all, be-all in this house. I put my foot down to that, the day I got married. I was married in our house by a JP. On a Sunday afternoon. Just family and a few close friends. The men hung upstairs watching football, and the women socialized downstairs. When someone announced the bride and groom should cut the cake, there was all kinds of commotion, I mean, why can't we wait until half time? This was my WEDDING DAY.

So, do I have an issue with this obsession about football? I guess I do. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I should of told the kids and MIL that we can't watch the movie on Thanksgiving, because of the Sacred Games. I chose 5PM as the time, because usually FIL starts to get antsy after 7ish, and rather than have him wait, I thought we could all watch the movie as a family, and he could get home a decent time. At the time, I thought I was being considerate, not rude.

Funny thing is, football is not a big deal to him. So, why the huge reaction on Thanksgiving? If he ate, drank and slept football, I would not of even dreamed of interrupting the TV. But since it is no big deal, and he had 5+ hours of it already, I felt we had a right to take over the TV.

As for my son turning the TV off, he has his own issues. We are currently in the process of getting him diagnosed with Apsperger's. So, what may seem rude to many people, he does not realize that going up to a TV when it is time for the movie to go in is rude. All he knows is it is FINALLY 5PM and he can watch the movie. My FIL should of directed his anger towards ME. Not my kid.

I should add, I did not send my son in to shut off the game. He asked what time he could watch the movie. I said 5PM. He does not wait. At 5PM, on the nose, before anyone had a chance to say anything, he puts the movie in. As for ahving him announce the "warning" He was going out of hios mind with wanting to watch the movie, and wanted to know when. He had mentioned football being on, so to calm him down, and give him time to deal with football, I told him to tell the guys movie-time is at 5PM. By this time everyone knows a movie is going to be put in.

Was I rude? I guess I was. I am sure FIL is telling his co-workers abiout his rude grandson, you see, because it was my SON who did this, and not matter how many times we tried telling him it was our decision, he still kept flapping about "the kid".

 

[WIcruizer]

I don't think it has anything to do with MALE, it has everything to do with FAMILY. Comedians have made a living out of poking fun at MIL, and how wives support the MIL no matter how controlling, rude, etc. they can be.

 

[foolishmortal]

I know there are men here defending the right to watch football. I am not going to argue that point. Was I rude in my own house, probably, yes I was.

My MIL is disabled. My house has many stairs. It is a multi level house. For her to be in the kitchen, means she has to go down 7 steps to enter the family room, she uses a cane to walk, and her hips are almost non-functioning. Any other room in the house for a TV means going to a lower level in the house (4 more steps) or watching TV in our bedroom. Everyone in the family knows that MIL comfort is the priority. The ONLY TV that movie could be played on so MIL could watch, was the family room TV.

When I had my son "announce" a warning..it was in jest. I truly thought 5-6 hours of football would of been enough and the men could give up the TV. No, football is not the end-all, be-all in this house. I put my foot down to that, the day I got married. I was married in our house by a JP. On a Sunday afternoon. Just family and a few close friends. The men hung upstairs watching football, and the women socialized downstairs. When someone announced the bride and groom should cut the cake, there was all kinds of commotion, I mean, why can't we wait until half time? This was my WEDDING DAY.

So, do I have an issue with this obsession about football? I guess I do. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I should of told the kids and MIL that we can't watch the movie on Thanksgiving, because of the Sacred Games. I chose 5PM as the time, because usually FIL starts to get antsy after 7ish, and rather than have him wait, I thought we could all watch the movie as a family, and he could get home a decent time. At the time, I thought I was being considerate, not rude.

Funny thing is, football is not a big deal to him. So, why the huge reaction on Thanksgiving? If he ate, drank and slept football, I would not of even dreamed of interrupting the TV. But since it is no big deal, and he had 5+ hours of it already, I felt we had a right to take over the TV.

As for my son turning the TV off, he has his own issues. We are currently in the process of getting him diagnosed with Apsperger's. So, what may seem rude to many people, he does not realize that going up to a TV when it is time for the movie to go in is rude. All he knows is it is FINALLY 5PM and he can watch the movie. My FIL should of directed his anger towards ME. Not my kid.

I don't think a single one of us on either side is blaming your son so don't worry there!

But when you say you have issues with 5+ hours of football, that in and of itself is an issue, why does it bother you what other people do with thier time.
Then you say you put a stop to that on your wedding day?? To me yes the issue isn't anyone else, just your obsession with not wanting football in the house all day.

Also you say football was on for over 5 hours already, that is just about impossible. You are eastern time I see meaning the early game started at 12:30, well closer to 12:40, factor in halftime and the time between the 2 games there was no football and at 5pm you have less than 4 hours of football on at that time. Also, my question in my original post wasn't answered....if both football games are on every year why was this year going to be different? If it isn't on every year then I am actually on your side here.

Again I agree, which I think we all do is that your son was not in the wrong whatsoever. Maybe you need to have a talk with FIL and let him know his actions were rude, but at the same time apologize and let him know you also know you may have been wrong as well.

Apologies go along way on both sides.

I do still have issues with your I put my foot down on football the day we got married...wow..I did the same thing but the other way around. Tuesday - Saturday I will do anything my wifes needs and see can have the TV, but Sunday and Monday night...my time!!!!! I have the NFL sunday ticket get to watch every game and you know....my wife is right there with me.

Maybe you need to talk to your husband and friends etc..and have them "teach" you things about it. My wife had no clue and no desire to watch it either and thought 1 game ok your done, but once I showed her the little ins and outs of the game and took her to a couple of games then she started liking and will watch along with me.