Is the step(relative) included? Etiquette ??

[yoopermom]

My stepbrother (mom's husband's son) died of brain cancer this past week across the country from where I live. I went on line to read the obit, and was a little surprised to see that under "survived by" were listed his mom and dad, but not my mom (who has been married to his dad for 25 years, if that makes a difference). In the past I've usually seen it done with the stepparent's name in parantheses after the blood parent. My brother and I were not listed, either (even though we're stepsiblings), but since he's quite a bit older than us and we didn't know him as well, it didn't bother me as much.

Are wedding invitations the same,do you or do you not include the steprelative?

Does it matter the length of time or quality of relationship?

When we got married, we included both my stepparents names, but I had already had long and good relationships with them both...

Who knows?!?

TIA!

Terri

 

[superme80]

I believe on our wedding invite both sets of step parents were recognized on my husband's side. When DH's dad passed away the current step family was mentioned before his actual son and the step children he raised. That did not go over well.

 

[crashbb]

Assuming I put my parents' names on the wedding invitation at all, my stepmother's name is unlikely to be on it (okay, it won't be). It's not that I don't like her, but I have no "mother-like" feelings towards her - I was 24 when she married my dad (I was 22ish when they started dating), so she had no part in raising me. My mom is dead (my parents were married when she died - if that matters), so I'm not sure how I'll handle the names (since I'm not engaged, I've not really thought about it).

If I, or my brother, were to die, our obits would be unlikely to have our step-siblings listed. We might have our stepmother's name in brackets after my dad though. Again, not something I've really thought through.

 

[powellrj]

It may have been an over sight by the funeral home or the newspaper. When DHs dad died, I was the one who made all the arrangements and they left me out of the obit. I called the newspaper and they blamed the funeral home and when I called the funeral home they blamed the newspaper so who knows. I only know that I wasn't the one who left me out!

We were the only family who lived locally, so there were lots of my friends who didn't realize who it was because DFIL and DH both have really common names, so they would have come to the funeral home if they would have known.

 

[smitch425]

My stepbrother (mom's husband's son) died of brain cancer this past week across the country from where I live. I went on line to read the obit, and was a little surprised to see that under "survived by" were listed his mom and dad, but not my mom (who has been married to his dad for 25 years, if that makes a difference). In the past I've usually seen it done with the stepparent's name in parantheses after the blood parent. My brother and I were not listed, either (even though we're stepsiblings), but since he's quite a bit older than us and we didn't know him as well, it didn't bother me as much.

Are wedding invitations the same,do you or do you not include the steprelative?

Does it matter the length of time or quality of relationship?

When we got married, we included both my stepparents names, but I had already had long and good relationships with them both...

Who knows?!?

TIA!

Terri

First of all, so sorry for your family's loss.

I've never really thought about this. Very interesting. When I got married, all four of my parents were listed in my invitation. I would imagine that if my stepdad passed away, I would be listed in the "survived by" section with my half brother and half sister, but if I passed away, I don't know for certain that my stepdad would be listed. Maybe it is different for a child versus a parent. I guess it shouldn't be, but to me it seems like that would be the way they would be listed. Hmmm...

 

[NaLisa]

My stepbrother (mom's husband's son) died of brain cancer this past week across the country from where I live. I went on line to read the obit, and was a little surprised to see that under "survived by" were listed his mom and dad, but not my mom (who has been married to his dad for 25 years, if that makes a difference). In the past I've usually seen it done with the stepparent's name in parantheses after the blood parent. My brother and I were not listed, either (even though we're stepsiblings), but since he's quite a bit older than us and we didn't know him as well, it didn't bother me as much.

Are wedding invitations the same,do you or do you not include the steprelative?

Does it matter the length of time or quality of relationship?

When we got married, we included both my stepparents names, but I had already had long and good relationships with them both...

Who knows?!?

TIA!

Terri

I don't think you can accurately compare wedding invitations to an obituary. With the former, you have months to think and talk about those kind of things to get it sorted out. With an obit, you only have a couple of days while you're grieving and have a million other things to do in a very short period of time. Plus, as someone else noted, the info has to go from 1)grieving family member to 2) funeral home to 3) newspaper, and omitting a name in any one of those three steps can easily happen.

Also, many newspapers have (or at least used to have) policies on which family members can be listed in a free obit or feature about a deceased person. E.g., they'll say 5 grandchildren but not list each name. Of course, you can usually pay for a more lengthy obit and include all the names you want, but paid obituaries are often very expensive.

 

[crashbb]

First of all, so sorry for your family's loss.

I've never really thought about this. Very interesting. When I got married, all four of my parents were listed in my invitation. I would imagine that if my stepdad passed away, I would be listed in the "survived by" section with my half brother and half sister, but if I passed away, I don't know for certain that my stepdad would be listed. Maybe it is different for a child versus a parent. I guess it shouldn't be, but to me it seems like that would be the way they would be listed. Hmmm...

Interesting, I'd actually think the other way. I could see my step-mother being listed on my obituary (in brackets after my dad's name), but it would be less likely that I'd be listed on her obituary. But, of course, every family and situation is different.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I think it entirely depends on the relationship.

If my stepdad passed away and his obituary didn't list me as his child, I'd be crushed. Of course, it's my mom or me who would likely write his obit so I don't really see this happening.

Then again, my dad, the man who adopted me when I was 5 and whose name I carried until I married, HIS mother's obituary did not include my sister and I, the only two non-blood but legally hers grandchildren.

Wedding invites, I think, are much the same, about relationships. Someone who doesn't have a good relationship with a bio parent might not put that name on the invite, just like with a stepparent. Or might like one stepparent and not another so leave them all off entirely.

There is no 'one size fits all' for these things.

 

[NaLisa]

As an example, here's some more detailed info from The Atlanta Journal Constitution on their death notice policy (red type is mine):

Things to know about AJC obituaries or death notices

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution contains three types of death information:

• Family-placed death notices: notices written by family members and supplied by the funeral home or cremation society handling arrangements to our classified advertising department. (These can usually be as long as you want but you pay for each line of type and it gets very expensive).
• News obituary listings: brief information on deaths and service plans provided by the funeral home or cremation society handling arrangements to our news obituary desk. Information received each day is compiled by our news obituary staff for publication the following day. (These are written by a staff person--often a college intern--and have very minimal information. I know a couple of newspapers that have a limit of three lines. They really want you to pay for the longer obit that you can write yourself.)
• News obituary article: staff-written profiles of selected local residents, with the byline of the obituary writer. (These are people of note--politicians, well-known community members, celebrities--usually well written by a journalist).

A death may be noted by any one or more of these methods. News obituary listings and family-placed death notices may appear in the newspaper on more than one day, if there is updated or additional information.

On the other hand, please remember that not all deceased persons have listings in the newspaper.


Placing a news obituary or death notice in the AJC and on ajc.com

News Obituaries
Residents and former residents of Georgia can have their death and funeral plans announced in the AJC's news obituaries.

To submit a news obituary listing, please have the funeral home or cremation society in charge of arrangements fax the obit information to News Obits at 404-526-7517. We do not accept information from other sources.

Family-Placed Death Notices
Family-placed death notices are provided to the AJC's classified advertising department by the funeral home or cremation society in charge of arrangements.

For more information about our funeral home partners, please see our directory at:
www.legacy.com/obituaries/atlanta/obituary-funeralhome-directory.aspx

If you have questions about our death notice policies, you may call our classified advertising paid notice department at 404-526-5271.

All obituaries and death notices that appear in the pages of The Atlanta Journal-Constitution also appear on our Web site.

http://projects.ajc.com/services/info/obits/

 

[scrapquitler]

My stepbrother (mom's husband's son) died of brain cancer this past week across the country from where I live. I went on line to read the obit, and was a little surprised to see that under "survived by" were listed his mom and dad, but not my mom (who has been married to his dad for 25 years, if that makes a difference). In the past I've usually seen it done with the stepparent's name in parantheses after the blood parent. My brother and I were not listed, either (even though we're stepsiblings), but since he's quite a bit older than us and we didn't know him as well, it didn't bother me as much.

Are wedding invitations the same,do you or do you not include the steprelative?

Does it matter the length of time or quality of relationship?

When we got married, we included both my stepparents names, but I had already had long and good relationships with them both...

Who knows?!?

TIA!

Terri

They will write the obituary however the person arranging things with the funeral home wants it written. So most likely, whatever surviving relative wrote it up or gave it to the funeral director, left off the stepmotehr and step siblings.

On the wedding invitation, again, the person designing the invitations gets to decide what to put. Most of the time I have seen step parents listed on the invitations, but more and more I'm seeing "John Smith and Mary Jones, together with thier parents, invite you..." I guess it all depends on the whims of the host and the nature of the relationships with the step parents.

 

[SleepyMom]

Very sorry for your loss

I honestly feel that it all depends on who is the one giving the info for the obit.

My MIL and my Mom both were re-married when they were older and the kids on each sides were teen-agers and adults, and they both did the same thing in the obits for their husbands. They focused on their own kids and not their step-kids (the children of their husbands). I felt it was awful both times and felt bad for the step-siblings that they were almost mentioned as an afterthought by their "step-moms" in their own father's obituary.

Some families are able to get past the "step" and "half" and treat everyone the same. Sorry your Mom, brother and you were not listed as survivors.

As for wedding invites, that probably depends on the couple and their relationship with parents and step-parents. My DD is getting married this November and her dad and I are divorced and both re-married for over 20 years to other people. I am not going to push anything, and will let them decide, but it will be interesting to see how they decide to word it.

 

[luvsJack]

Our local newspaper has a format with which they write the free obituaries. If any information, at all, is added to that then you have to pay for the obit.

When my brother died, in order for us to put "preceded in death by his father, John Smith" we had to pay for the entire thing.

I don't know for sure, but in the format that they use if someone adds a step-parent or step-sibling it is possible that the obit would then have to be paid for.


As for wedding invitations, for ds they listed "Mr.and Mrs. LuvsJack and Mr. John Smith" as the parents of ds. He did not add his step mother but did add dh, it could have been done either way. In fact, any time either son's name has been in the paper for school or athletic accomplishments they have listed it the same way (I am guessing the newspaper person asks who their parents are).

 

[Southernmiss]

In dhs family, steps are included in obits and marriage announcements and invitations. We are in the south and both sets of family treat each other as family. No one is left out.

 

[Belle0101]

DH bio dad passed while his mom was 6 months pregnant. She remarried when DH was 2 and that was the only dad he really knew. They were married about 45 years when he passed.

Step-father's sister wrote an obit to be published in her hometown paper. She left everyone out that wasn't blood related. DH oldest step-brother (bio son of step-dad) asked her about it and she admitted it was purposeful on her part. I'm paraphrasing but basically she felt they weren't his real relatives. That was really hurtful to the step-children, step-grandchildren, step-great-grandchildren and spouses.

He was an incredible man and I know he would not have approved of his sister leaving them out.

 

[khertz]

I don't know the "proper" way to do it, but I think it's terrible that after 25 years of marriage to his father, your mom and her children were left out.

When my step-grandfather (I hate to call him that, because no one ever really thought of him that way...he was just my grandfather) passed away, his blood children were listed first, followed by "revered step-father to" and then it listed my dad and his siblings plus wives. And in fact, after "grandfather to" it just listed his blood grandchildren followed by myself, my sister, and our cousins with no distinction between us.

To put in perspective, my grandparents were married when I was 3. My parents were in their early twenties, and my dad has 2 younger brothers who were also in their late-teens/early twenties. When he passed away, he and my grandmother had been married almost 20 years. I would have been absolutely devastated had we been left off of his obit, because like I said, he was just my grandfather to me, no "step" needed.

 

[Disney Doll]

Frankly, your mother being left out of the obituary was rude of whomever wrote it.

She has been married to the deceased man's father for 25 years. Unless there was REALLY BAD BLOOD between your mother and her late stepson, she should have been listed....something like

"Survived by his mother Mary Jones, his father Bill Jones and his step-mother Sue Jones, siblings Johnny, Susie and Patsy, step-siblings yoopermom and yooperdad."

Wedding invites...I've seen all kinds of things. I think if you start getting oto many "steps" into the mix, it's probably best to say "Together with their family" and leave it at that.

 

[NMAmy]

My older sister is my dad's stepdaughter. None of us ever even had a thought of leaving her out of the obituary. He considered her his daughter, she's my sister--no way we're leaving her out of anything.

As far as wedding invitations--my dd is getting married this summer. I'm remarried and so is her dad. Her fiancé's parents are divorced, as well, but not remarried. Her dad got in a snit about it but I suggested she just list her name and fiancé's name "together with their parents." Otherwise the parents names would take up 3/4 of the invitation space.

 

[kayrosek]

DH bio dad passed while his mom was 6 months pregnant. She remarried when DH was 2 and that was the only dad he really knew. They were married about 45 years when he passed.

Step-father's sister wrote an obit to be published in her hometown paper. She left everyone out that wasn't blood related. DH oldest step-brother (bio son of step-dad) asked her about it and she admitted it was purposeful on her part. I'm paraphrasing but basically she felt they weren't his real relatives. That was really hurtful to the step-children, step-grandchildren, step-great-grandchildren and spouses.

He was an incredible man and I know he would not have approved of his sister leaving them out.

Something sort of similar happened when DH's grandpa passed. DH and I have been together since my children were 3, 18mo, and 3mo. He has taken them on completely as his own and until very recently the children had no relationship at all with their bio dad. We have lived in the same state as DH's grandparents for the past 10 years and my children visited them often, even spending the night at their (grandparents) request. They always referred to them as their great grandchildren. Most of DH's grandparents children and grandchildren live out of state and none of DH's cousins have children so my kids are the only "great grandchildren" in the family and almost the only young children at all. DH's mom and grandmother felt the children should be included in the obit, picture video etc. apparently some of DH's aunt didn't. His mother was hurt by that as she considers the kids family. They ended up including them in the obit but the hurt feelings remained. I didn't think much of it just thought it was odd that it caused a fuss when the kids have been part of the family pretty much all their lives.

In contrast when my great grandmother passed we included all spouses, step kids, everyone. We even mentioned the stillborn step-child of one of my cousins in the "preceded in death by" part. in the obit and there were pictures of my grandmother with all her family members blood or not on the DVD that played. It's just how my family is. I really think it depends on the family.

 

[Sugardimples]

Assuming I put my parents' names on the wedding invitation at all, my stepmother's name is unlikely to be on it (okay, it won't be). It's not that I don't like her, but I have no "mother-like" feelings towards her - I was 24 when she married my dad (I was 22ish when they started dating), so she had no part in raising me. My mom is dead (my parents were married when she died - if that matters), so I'm not sure how I'll handle the names (since I'm not engaged, I've not really thought about it).

If I, or my brother, were to die, our obits would be unlikely to have our step-siblings listed. We might have our stepmother's name in brackets after my dad though. Again, not something I've really thought through.

You might want to rethink this. She is your father's wife and as such is deserving of your respect (unless there are other circumstances that we don't know about). The best way to have a loving family is to practice inclusion, not exclusion. There is no point is creating hurt feelings unnecessarily.

 

[crashbb]

You might want to rethink this. She is your father's wife and as such is deserving of your respect (unless there are other circumstances that we don't know about). The best way to have a loving family is to practice inclusion, not exclusion. There is no point is creating hurt feelings unnecessarily.

I can respect her (and do) and still not have mother-like feeling towards her. I respect many, many people - doesn't mean I plan to list them on my wedding invitation (which may not ever even happen). To me, the point is naming parents on the invitation is because they were involved in making you the person that you are - she wasn't.

Neither of my step siblings even invited either my brother or I to their weddings, so I never saw invitations and have no idea if they listed my dad at all (their father is still alive), but I suspect not. If my dad's feelings were hurt, he kept it to himself. My brother did invite them to his wedding (he was married first), but didn't name any parent on the invitation.