is it terrible that I....?

[simba20]

Background: I was just answering another poster's question about infections brought on by diabetes. In my response I shared a bit about my brother's death.

Short story: My brother was diagnosed with diabetes (Type II) at the age of 18. Since he was an adult (per se), he should have known, how to manage it. Our father was also a diabetic, and passed away in 1997, due to kidney failure (he was on dialysis but he also suffered from anyloidosis which affects the kidneys and made a transplant impossible). My father read all he could about diabetes and managed his well. My father took oral meds, and effectively kept his sugars down. Growing up, I never heard my father ever complain about his sugar levels spiking. On the other hand, my brother carried the attitude that as long as he was on meds, he could still eat whatever he wanted. Diabetes ravaged my brother and all of the nasty terrible side effects you hear about encapsulated my brother -- moving form oral meds to insulin injections, kidney failure/dialysis, glacouma, limb amputation. My brother was 36 when he passed away.

Anyway, I do miss my brother. I always defended him growing up (he was kind of the "problem child" in not listening to my parents. We were seven years apart, and I feel as though we were only children due to our age gap, however I always looked up to him. As I got older, he tolerated me more, and we had a lot in common.

However, while I think what happened to him was terrible, I feel (and this is my confession) that his death was his own fault. Is that terrible of me?

Due to this family history of diabetes and what it has done to my family (my paternal grandmother and aunt are also diabetics), I watch what I eat (not always the healthiest, but over time I have cut waaaaay back on your high carb/high sugar level inducing food). When I was pregnant with my daughter, my OB monitored me closely for gestational diabetes to the point that she also had me in the care of a high risk OB (my GTT showed borderline GD so she wasn't taking any chances). I willingly go in for fasting test results at my annual exams because I am not taking any chances. When I am sick, or feel off (as diabetes can affect moods) I pull out my monitor from time to time and test myself.

Anyway, whenever I think of my brother and his death I get angry. Not angry at the disease, but angry at him. Is that terrible of me? I feel he could have prevented it.

There's my guilty confession.

 

[cybrkitn]

First off, my condolences at the loss of your brother .

No, I don't think you are terrible for thinking that. I think it's normal to feel that way after a loved one has passed away. My father passed away just about 2 years ago due to his diabetes, other illnesses and alcohol. My mom misses him a lot, yet is still mad at him for the way he didn't take care of himself.

I've also lost an uncle due to diabetes who was also on dialysis and insulin. My uncle also had neuropathy and stepped on one of his needles without knowing it and lost part of his leg b/c of it. He had just turned 50 about a day or so before he passed away in the hospital.

My DH has had diabetes since he was 23 and did the same thing your brother had done. Anytime anyone said anything to him about eating what he wasn't supposed to, he saw it as nagging. He wound up on insulin about a year or so ago and figured he could eat whatever he wanted even though I kept telling him that being on insulin does not give him a license to eat whatever he wanted. He weighed about 275 lbs then went up to 315 lbs. Last February, something clicked in him and he started watching what he was eating. He's lost over 30 lbs so far and his insulin has been lowered twice. Even his oral meds have been lowered. We have a DS8 and he told me that he wants to make sure that he is here for the two of us .

 

[abdmom]

It's not unusual for an 18 year old (especially male, imo) to rebel when they're diagnosed with a chronic illness. Diabetes is kind of a silent illness. The effects of his not taking care of himself wouldn't have been immediate. Perhaps when he was in his 30's, he would have had regrets.

That having been said, I totally understand where you're coming from. I grew up with an alcoholic/chain smoker parent. For many years, they've been debilitated from the lifestyle choices they've made. I don't have much sympathy. I'm angry too.

 

[jog58]

I don't think you're a terrible person. The same thing happened to my mother 3 years ago. She was diagnosed with diabetes and high blood pressure and she failed to do anything about it. She ate whatever she wanted, smoked, drank and didn't exercise. Due to her weight [she was 5'9" over 200 pounds] she started having nerve issues where she couldn't walk and it just got worse after that. Random broken bones, fluid in the lungs, blood sugar spikes and lows. She essentially spent the last year of her life in and out of hospitals and physical rehab places. In October of 2007 her heart finally couldn't handle the stress of that the high blood pressure and the diabetes was putting on her body and she died two months shy of her 45th birthday.

I have a lot of the same feelings you do that I feel super guilty about. I loved her dearly and miss her everyday but her death was at her own hands. I totally feel for you and I am very sorry for your loss.

 

[kimblebee]

I feel the same way when I hear of someone who is a smoker getting lung cancer. I know it hasn't been 100% proven that smoking causes cancer, but come on. We all know it is most likely the cause. I understand it is addicting and all that but I would think that the risks would outweigh that. I just don't get why people would do something that is doing no good for them at all

 

[Planogirl]

My father was like this. He had bypass surgery twice but would not quit smoking. He also ate the wrong foods.

I think that you can feel like they are to blame while at the same time feeling sympathy for their situation. Who knows why they wouldn't take care of themselves. I can understand being angry but maybe they had their reasons (or thought they did). It's puzzling.

 

[Magpie]

I understand completely!

My 12yo son is hypoglycemic. He has to watch his blood sugar and eat healthily or he could end up burning out his pancreas and giving himself diabetes. I'm doing my best to educate him and train him to look after himself, but if he goes off the rails in adulthood and ends up hurting himself - I will be absolutely furious.

It's not his fault he's hypoglycemic. But it WILL be his fault if he doesn't manage it well.

 

[laurie31]

No, it's not bad, it's perfectly normal.

Anger is a normal part of grief, and if the person has done something to contribute towards their death, then that anger can be directed at them. If not, people direct their anger at others - the doctor who didn't diagnose the problem in time, the drunk who ran a light and hit them, at themselves- for things they did or didn't do before the person died, or even at God. Actually being angry at God after someone dies is also very common.

Feeling guilty for being angry with the deceased is also normal. Our culture teaches us not to speak ill of the dead. We think we aren't "supposed" to feel that way, but our feelings are what they are, you know? And yes, he was an adult and made his choices, but hopefully if he had known the outcome and how it would affect his loved ones, he might have chosen differently.

I'm very sorry for your loss. How tragic to lose someone so young, especially when it was preventable.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

No, it's not. We all do it.

Just think, now, though, that a lasting gift your brother gave you was the awarness of better health for yourself. Maybe it will help to think about it that way.

 

[Arielle22]

Thinking that way doesn't make you a bad person.

My sister and I were friends with a woman for 10 years. She was overweight her whole life (5'3" and 200+ lbs). She had diabetes the entire time I knew her and took insulin.

She would eat whatever she felt like, multiple cupcakes etc. Over the past few years her health began to fail but she didn't make changes. Another of my sisters who had gastric bypass offered to guide her in the process since it was wildly successful with my sister. My friend said her husband (paranoid schizophrenic) was too worried she would die from the sugery and he would be alone so she wouldn't consider it.

She then had operations on her feet and eyes. For various reasons we have drifted apart. The last time we saw her, she was legally blind and being taught to use a cane to get around.

Her behavior makes my sister and I sad. When we first met her she was outgoing and had a plan for life. Even after her husband's illness was discovered she was still trying to make her life a success. Then she seems to have given up.