Is it tacky to throw an anniversary party for yourself? UPDATE #34

[EllenFrasier]

This is long, but I'm losing sleep over this, so please help me!

We have a major anniversary coming up and it's on a weeknight. Dh said he took the evening off from work and we would go out to dinner. Fine, it's not the trip to a tropical paradise that I dreamed of but at least we'll be out.

Then Dh sent me an email from the best man in our wedding. He is my husband's friend, of course, and lives in a different state. They've kept in contact over the years and my dh has stopped to see him when he's been on business trips near where he lives and they've emailed, etc. The email said that best man and his wife would be in town next weekend on the way to a business trip, and they would like to take us out to dinner this weekend to celebrate our anniversary. I am not into social situations. I like to be with people I am familiar with, not have to think of things to say, etc. But I agreed that we would go because we haven't seen him in a long while and I haven't seen his wife since the day that they got married like 20 years ago! And even then I only saw her on their wedding day. So I have no idea what we will talk about. Maybe she'll be the chatty type and I can wing it.

The plot thickens right about here. Ds12 came to my door the other day with photos of our wedding in his hand. He said he found them on the desk. Dd23 had been sitting out there because she said she needed to print something from her laptop - I didn't think anything of her printing something, but the photos are a definite "something is up" moment.
Dh seems awfully interested in what I will wear when we go out with Best Man and his wife. He offered to take something to the cleaners for me and he never has shown any interest in what I wear. Something is up.
Now for the bad part....this morning I got a copy of an email that Dh had evidently sent to someone and accidentally copied to me. I started reading it and then stopped when I realized it was about our anniversary. I had to take my ds to work and when I came back, the email was gone. Dh must have retrieved it somehow. Anyway, it was from another person who was in our wedding.
I'm getting nervous now. I do not like being the center of attenion. If Dh knows about the anniversary party or whatever this is, then I am even more worried. When his parents celebrated their 40th anniversary, Dh came up with an idea to ask some friends of theirs plus his father's sister and her husband out to dinner. Dh and I could not afford to pay for everyone's dinner, so we worded it so the people would know they were paying for their own dinner and we were paying for ours plus his parents....it was awful. When the check came, I could have crawled under the table. And his uncle, who has enough money to burn, made some joke to Dh in front of everyone and it made the situation even worse. I wanted to die.
So I am hoping and praying that Dh did not get this idea in his head again to ask people to come out to dinner with us to celebrate our anniversary, but pay for their own dinner. We do not have enough money to pay for a big dinner and I'm sure that Best Man is not taking everyone out to dinner.
I would just like to forget the whole thing and go out with Dh alone on our actual day.
Also, I do not think that Dh is planning on including our children, which is heartbreaking to me because I think they should be there. I'm sure if any of them knew about it, they would already be talking about it. I guess it's possible he didn't tell them and won't until the last minute, but sometimes he is not sensitive to people's feelings and might think they would not belong there. Especially if he had to pay for them!
I think Dh would like this to be a surprise for me, but of course I already know something is up. What would make him think I would want a party? He knows I hate being the center of attention and it's not what I would spend money on - I'd spend it on a weekend away somewhere. Ugh. What am I going to do???

 

[marybet]

If it were me I would just ask my husband what is up. If you know that he is not good at planning these things then you need to talk to him about it. It may be too late to uninvite people but you will never know until you ask.

I agree that your children should be included if there is some type of party planned. Sometimes men are clueless to what we really want, so just tell him.

It's not tacky to throw a party for your anniversary, it is only tacky to ask other people to pay for it.

 

[scrapquitler]

If it were me I would just ask my husband what is up. If you know that he is not good at planning these things then you need to talk to him about it. It may be too late to uninvite people but you will never know until you ask.

I agree that your children should be included if there is some type of party planned. Sometimes men are clueless to what we really want, so just tell him.

It's not tacky to throw a party for your anniversary, it is only tacky to ask other people to pay for it.

I agree.

I would ask DH what is going on. I hate surprise parties, and I would want to know. It sounds like DH is planning something of a surprise.

 

[Hannathy]

I think your DD 23 is in on the planning. If she had pictures out. She probably spurred your DH into it.

If you don't want to come right out and ask and I wouldn't either I'd start dropping some really big hints around your DD that you do not like big parties and you like small gatherings of people and family you know.

I would also try to go with the flow on this also because they think they are doing something really special for you, kinda like the little kid and the macaroni necklace and I think just knowing that and how good they are feeling would be enough for me to just enjoy their joy at giving me this even if it isn't my first choice.

 

[Wcoaster]

I threw a surprise birthday party for my wife and she found out several days before the event. She knew it was coming but had no idea who was going to be there or what the evening was going to look like it all was still a surprise. We had a great time.

Celebrate and invite all your friends to celebrate with you.

 

[shortbun]

I think you have to suck it up, be gracious and try to have fun. It sounds like invitations are already extended and the event is coming up soon. Ask them to tell you about it so you can dress as you want and have time to prepare yourself for the social stuff. Do you have any social stress reducing techiniques that work for you? Might be time to look into that. The people you love and who love you are honoring you. Try to enjoy it.

 

[luvmy3]

If you have been married long enough to be celebrating a major anniversary, then you have been married long enough to ask him whats going on. Its not your fault you figured out something was going on, whats the point in worrying about what its going to be.

 

[PixieDustandEeyore]

if people are going through the effort to surprise you, just be gracious and try to play along. They are clearly going through alot of effort and want to surprise you so don't ruin their fun, don't be ungracious and just try to enjoy the special event being planned for you. Alot of women would love for their husband to plan a surprise party for them.

 

[okeydokey]

If it is important to him to have a celebration of your anniversary then you should let him do this, but PLEASE do not ask other people to pay for it.

 

[sparks19]

I say talk to DH. Ask him whats up and talk to him about how you feel and about he feels about the plan etc etc. I think it would be a bit dishonest to go and fake enjoying yourself. They'll be able to tell if you aren't having a genuinely good time and if they find out after that you knew about it and didn't say anything they might be a little ticked.

Honesty is the best policy... in this case anyway, IMO.

 

[SaraJayne]

OP, ask your DH what's up. It will be OK.

We're throwing an anniversary party for ourselves this summer and inviting friends and family to celebrate with us.

But we're paying for everything.

 

[HsvTeacher]

Like other PPs said, I would only think it's tacky if your husband expected the guests to pay for it.

My (not so dear) BIL and his mother threw a surprise baby shower for my sister last weekend. They expected everyone to bring a gift, and then each guest had to pay for their dinner and a room surcharge. To me, THAT was incredibly tacky!

*And that was after we bought plane tickets to Orlando, paid for a room for our stay, etc. Tacky, tacky, tacky!

 

[Christine]

I guess you should just bring it up with him.

Part of me says to let it go and enjoy it but then another part of me says "Whoa, this is an *anniversary* party, it's not your birthday or some occasion that is 100% about you." So why are YOU in the dark about it. It's an anniversary and I think it would be good if you were able to be a part of planning it and having some input on how it goes. It almost sounds like he's cooking up a party JUST FOR YOU, which is odd.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd mind my own business and enjoy whatever came up personally.

 

[twinglesmome]

My thoughts are that perhaps your kids are planning something and your DH is in on it. I agree with those who say to be gracious and enjoy this special event.

 

[Christine]

My thoughts are that perhaps your kids are planning something and your DH is in on it. I agree with those who say to be gracious and enjoy this special event.

And that would be nice but WHY just put her in the dark about it. Kids throw anniversary parties for their parents often, but it's usually both of the celebrants that are surprised. This almost sounds like they are planning a birthday celebration for her. The husband seems to be a big part of it.

 

[twinglesmome]

And that would be nice but WHY just put her in the dark about it. Kids throw anniversary parties for their parents often, but it's usually both of the celebrants that are surprised. This almost sounds like they are planning a birthday celebration for her. The husband seems to be a big part of it.

I don't know... Is it possible that DD needed some help with contact information? Or that DH saw DD with photos, etc. and then she let the cat out of the bag/he figured it out so she included him on some of the planning? We don't know what has transpired behind the scenes...

 

[WDSearcher]

This is long, but I'm losing sleep over this, so please help me!

We have a major anniversary coming up and it's on a weeknight. Dh said he took the evening off from work and we would go out to dinner. Fine, it's not the trip to a tropical paradise that I dreamed of but at least we'll be out.

Then Dh sent me an email from the best man in our wedding. He is my husband's friend, of course, and lives in a different state. They've kept in contact over the years and my dh has stopped to see him when he's been on business trips near where he lives and they've emailed, etc. The email said that best man and his wife would be in town next weekend on the way to a business trip, and they would like to take us out to dinner this weekend to celebrate our anniversary. I am not into social situations. I like to be with people I am familiar with, not have to think of things to say, etc. But I agreed that we would go because we haven't seen him in a long while and I haven't seen his wife since the day that they got married like 20 years ago! And even then I only saw her on their wedding day. So I have no idea what we will talk about. Maybe she'll be the chatty type and I can wing it.

The plot thickens right about here. Ds12 came to my door the other day with photos of our wedding in his hand. He said he found them on the desk. Dd23 had been sitting out there because she said she needed to print something from her laptop - I didn't think anything of her printing something, but the photos are a definite "something is up" moment.
Dh seems awfully interested in what I will wear when we go out with Best Man and his wife. He offered to take something to the cleaners for me and he never has shown any interest in what I wear. Something is up.
Now for the bad part....this morning I got a copy of an email that Dh had evidently sent to someone and accidentally copied to me. I started reading it and then stopped when I realized it was about our anniversary. I had to take my ds to work and when I came back, the email was gone. Dh must have retrieved it somehow. Anyway, it was from another person who was in our wedding.
I'm getting nervous now. I do not like being the center of attenion. If Dh knows about the anniversary party or whatever this is, then I am even more worried. When his parents celebrated their 40th anniversary, Dh came up with an idea to ask some friends of theirs plus his father's sister and her husband out to dinner. Dh and I could not afford to pay for everyone's dinner, so we worded it so the people would know they were paying for their own dinner and we were paying for ours plus his parents....it was awful. When the check came, I could have crawled under the table. And his uncle, who has enough money to burn, made some joke to Dh in front of everyone and it made the situation even worse. I wanted to die.

OK ... maybe I'm daft here, but this doesn't seem horrible to me. If people knew going in that they were paying for their own dinner and they said yes anyway, why would you be so embarrassed when the check came? Did other people seem to be upset? If I had been invited to help celebrate someone's anniversary at a restaurant, I'd have expected to pay my own way. If someone invited me to a catered dinner or a party at a house, I'd expect that to be paid for. So I think maybe you might have over-reacted a bit there. At least in my neighborhood, the party you described would have been totally normal.

So I am hoping and praying that Dh did not get this idea in his head again to ask people to come out to dinner with us to celebrate our anniversary, but pay for their own dinner. We do not have enough money to pay for a big dinner and I'm sure that Best Man is not taking everyone out to dinner.
I would just like to forget the whole thing and go out with Dh alone on our actual day.

Again ... if people are asked to join you and it's made clear up front that everyone is paying for their own dinner, your friends have the ability to say no. I've been invited to lots of restaurant parties where it was clear that the guest of honor was paid for, but everyone else was on their own. For me, it's more about being asked to celebrate than it is about who's paying. The thought that I'm important enough to the couple to be invited is the important part. YMMV

Also, I do not think that Dh is planning on including our children, which is heartbreaking to me because I think they should be there. I'm sure if any of them knew about it, they would already be talking about it. I guess it's possible he didn't tell them and won't until the last minute, but sometimes he is not sensitive to people's feelings and might think they would not belong there. Especially if he had to pay for them!

There's that "paying" thing again. That's kind of been a theme throughout your post. Not getting a trip to a tropical island, feeling horribly embarrassed that other people had to pay for their own meals ... It kind of seems to be all about the money. Maybe try to think less about how much things are costing and who's paying for what and try to think about the fact that your DH loves you enough to want to put together a party for your anniversary. If what you really wanted was a trip to a tropical paradise, maybe that's something you guys should have talked about a while back.

I think Dh would like this to be a surprise for me, but of course I already know something is up. What would make him think I would want a party? He knows I hate being the center of attention and it's not what I would spend money on - I'd spend it on a weekend away somewhere. Ugh. What am I going to do???

Well ... if it's your anniversary, then it will be you and your husband who are the center of attention, and maybe he is so happy to have you in his life that he just wants to share that with everyone. Geez. You make it sound like he's planning a surprise root canal. I get that maybe it's not what you would have planned, but ... well ... what were YOU planning to do for your anniversary? Did you think about planning a dinner? A party? A trip? Had you talked to him at any point about how to celebrate? Maybe he's planning something because you're not.

If it's going to be that disappointing to you to have to endure this party, then I think you need to tell him. Tell him you know something is up and you suspect he's planning a party where everyone is going to have to pay their own way and you think this is a terrible idea. Tell him that you don't want a party, you don't want a big deal, and what you REALLY want is a weekend away somewhere. I mean ... he'll probably feel badly about that and be disappointed, especially if there's not enough money to actually TAKE a weekend trip, but at least you won't have to go through all the embarrassment of this event he might be planning.

 

[mumom95]

Tough one OP. I see both points of view. So I have to say, I don't think you will be wrong no matter what you do, ask or don't ask. I'd say go with whatever your gut tells you.

Oh, and Happy Anniversary!!

 

[Bob NC]

OK ... maybe I'm daft here, but this doesn't seem horrible to me. If people knew going in that they were paying for their own dinner and they said yes anyway, why would you be so embarrassed when the check came? Did other people seem to be upset? If I had been invited to help celebrate someone's anniversary at a restaurant, I'd have expected to pay my own way. If someone invited me to a catered dinner or a party at a house, I'd expect that to be paid for. So I think maybe you might have over-reacted a bit there. At least in my neighborhood, the party you described would have been totally normal.


Again ... if people are asked to join you and it's made clear up front that everyone is paying for their own dinner, your friends have the ability to say no. I've been invited to lots of restaurant parties where it was clear that the guest of honor was paid for, but everyone else was on their own. For me, it's more about being asked to celebrate than it is about who's paying. The thought that I'm important enough to the couple to be invited is the important part. YMMV


There's that "paying" thing again. That's kind of been a theme throughout your post. Not getting a trip to a tropical island, feeling horribly embarrassed that other people had to pay for their own meals ... It kind of seems to be all about the money. Maybe try to think less about how much things are costing and who's paying for what and try to think about the fact that your DH loves you enough to want to put together a party for your anniversary. If what you really wanted was a trip to a tropical paradise, maybe that's something you guys should have talked about a while back.


Well ... if it's your anniversary, then it will be you and your husband who are the center of attention, and maybe he is so happy to have you in his life that he just wants to share that with everyone. Geez. You make it sound like he's planning a surprise root canal. I get that maybe it's not what you would have planned, but ... well ... what were YOU planning to do for your anniversary? Did you think about planning a dinner? A party? A trip? Had you talked to him at any point about how to celebrate? Maybe he's planning something because you're not.

If it's going to be that disappointing to you to have to endure this party, then I think you need to tell him. Tell him you know something is up and you suspect he's planning a party where everyone is going to have to pay their own way and you think this is a terrible idea. Tell him that you don't want a party, you don't want a big deal, and what you REALLY want is a weekend away somewhere. I mean ... he'll probably feel badly about that and be disappointed, especially if there's not enough money to actually TAKE a weekend trip, but at least you won't have to go through all the embarrassment of this event he might be planning.

Best.Post.Ever.