Is it possible to have equally successful working people in a relationship?

[Handbag Lady]

We've been doing it for fifteen years and it is still a struggle to make it happen. We are currently at odds over housework. I say we need to get a housekeeper and be done with it; he thinks I should do the cleaning. I work the same if not longer hours than he does and we make almost the same amount of money...so...like I said, we are at odds right now. He's willing to do half, but I'm not. (And by half, I mean that he'll start but if I am also cleaning, he'll sit at the computer instead.) I want to do fun things after working so much. Again, we are at odds and this is going to have to break at some point.

I'm open for suggestions, though! (Yes, we can afford a cleaning service.)

 

[castleview]

We've been doing it for fifteen years and it is still a struggle to make it happen. We are currently at odds over housework. I say we need to get a housekeeper and be done with it; he thinks I should do the cleaning. I work the same if not longer hours than he does and we make almost the same amount of money...so...like I said, we are at odds right now. He's willing to do half, but I'm not. (And by half, I mean that he'll start but if I am also cleaning, he'll sit at the computer instead.) I want to do fun things after working so much. Again, we are at odds and this is going to have to break at some point.

I'm open for suggestions, though! (Yes, we can afford a cleaning service.)

I'm all for working moms getting a housekeeper. Heck, this SAHM wants one twice a month for all the mopping and crevice cleaning I can never get too because I'm either too exhausted after picking everything up or the kids have just littered the floors again. Good luck!

 

[suzannen]

It definitely can be done! It's worked for us and we're celebrating our 20th anniversary this year and our DD is now in 10th grade. But, you both need to be on the same page and to also know what your deal breakers are.

I was lucky in that my office gave me lots of flexibility, lots of vacation and even summer hours - it was very conducive to working families. They allowed me to stay home the first six months and then to work part-time during the next six months. We had a nanny who came in during the day for the pre-school years, but once DD was school-aged, that was no longer needed. DH and I always worked as a team. I started my workday at 7:30 am while DH started his at 9:30. He fixed breakfast and dropped off DD at school each morning and then I was able to pick her up by 3:30 every day. This way we both knew well all of her teachers. I would take off work to take her to the pediatrician, he would take her to the orthodontist. We both helped with homework, went to PTA meetings, chaperoned field trips, etc. After going through lists of everything that needed to be done, we'd break each item down and discuss who should be responsible for what. It was during these discussions that I discovered that DH actually found vaccuming and cleaning bathrooms a bit theraputic (who knew?) and he still really loves math. I always liked shopping, cooking, dusting. taking out the trash and loved history, reading, languages, etc. Thus, it became easy to sort out who would do what - DH cleaned bathrooms, vacuumed, tutored in math while I'd cook, dust, do trash and would quiz for history and vocab tests. The key is we have always loved and respected each other and how important our family was to each of us, that we BOTH made the commitment to make it work.

I've been so fortunate with both my family and my career.

 

[design_mom]

It can work but you can't have two careers, a sparkling house, made-from-scratch meals, without hiring something out. Something's gotta give.

In your example of the dentist/policeman. I don't think EITHER of their options if feasible. The dentist can't have the baby at her office. In the same way, the policeman is going to have to sleep sometime. If he's worked all night, I don't think he could be expected to have sole care for the child (who will be awake) all day. They might not need full-time daycare, but they're going to need some sort of child care help.

 

[bumbershoot]

Well, I don't really think they are the norm, but....my brother and sister in law have a great relationship, work their behinds off, and their house is always lovely.

However, there are no kids and won't be. They hire out everything they can...yard guy, pool guy, bug guy...they have a cat sitter when needed, and when they have family coming to stay they call their housecleaning person. Day to day stuff is easy, because my sis in law is a lawyer at a BIG firm, and she goes out to lunch most days, but is a bird-like eater and brings home probably 3/4 of her lunch. So that's dinner for both of them that night or on one of the next few nights. My brother uses minimal dishes each day. They do NOT cook. Sis in law's mom found out that one of their burners was broken back in late '08. When I was using her stove in June '09, I discovered that it was working again. No one had looked at it in between. no reason. They don't use it.

So they aren't the norm. But they are both tremendously proud of each other, support each other, smooch happily when one picks up the other from the airport after a trip, love coordinating their trips so they can leave and/or arrive from business trips at the same time, etc etc etc.

 

[Hillbeans]

It depends - really on the expectations of each spouse and the demands of a job. If both people get stuck late at work, who will be the one expected to get the baby? Clean the house? Do the chores? Should it be based on who makes more money? Who has an easier time getting time off from work?

Years ago DH and I both FT, stressful jobs and over 50+ hours a week. I resigned in the fall of 2007 because I felt as if I was selling myself and my kids short. I had a 1 and 5 year old at the time and was running all the time. We didn't have grandparents who could babysit on a moment's notice either - for the occasional night out, yes, but both sets of parents work/ed. Are you comfortable with paying for childcare?

It's almost 3 years later and i've had various PT jobs just to keep myself sane and current with technology on the thought that when the kids get older (they are 9 and 4 now) I will go back to work FT eventually.

I really do think it depends - some people can make it work and others can't. I won't lie, these sorts of issues can take a huge toll on a marriage.

I had to LOL at the "Short Sheeting" the pope statement in one of the first posts.

 

[MrsPete]

It can work but you can't have two careers, a sparkling house, made-from-scratch meals, without hiring something out. Something's gotta give.

In your example of the dentist/policeman. I don't think EITHER of their options if feasible. The dentist can't have the baby at her office. In the same way, the policeman is going to have to sleep sometime. If he's worked all night, I don't think he could be expected to have sole care for the child (who will be awake) all day. They might not need full-time daycare, but they're going to need some sort of child care help.

Yep, I agree with this response. You can't do all of those ideal things, but you can manage the ones that mean most to you. I think the line in the sand is children.

Possible: A great relationship, two successful full-time careers, a lovely home.
Not possible (without help): A great relationship, two successful full-time careers, a lovely home, happy and well-balanced children. Fortunately, today we have many options for "hiring out" many things that used to be done by housewives.

What help do you need to bring all those together? It'd depend upon your resources. You might need day care, a house keeper, whatever. But when you add children, either something has to "give", or you need some help. Speaking only for myself, we used day care (fell into great experiences at every step of the way) and we gave up on the lovely, always-clean home part.

As for the unrealistic dentist/policeman . . . I can tell a story about something simliar: I have friends who adopted their first child and were VERY committed to keeping him at home for his first year of life. She's a teacher and he manages a retail store. For the child's first year, Dad stayed home all day and worked the night shift . . . Mom taught school and hurried home every day to take over baby-care duties. They did it. They were the child's sole care-takers, and they didn't spend on day care. But she said it was ROUGH. They never saw each other. They essentially went from being a loving couple to both being single parents. She complained that in a big transitional period, she was all-but-without the support of her husband/best friend. They were happy to see that year come and go. They adopted a second child a few years later, and although they love her just as much as they love their son, they brought her home during the summer and when school started in the fall, she went straight into day care. They realized that they needed time at home together as a family.

 

[bettymae1121]

I think it can work, but both people have to work at it and not slack off. And I think that a certain amount of household duties would have to be hired out, such as a cleaning lady and a landscaping company. If long hours or odd shifts are involved, a nanny would be a better fit than a traditional daycare (if you can find a nanny willing to do light housekeeping, even better!).

And family time would have to be scheduled, and that schedule must be iron clad. If you plan Friday nights as "family night" then everyone needs to be there, no answering cell phones, no checking your blackberry, no work of any kind unless it's a true emergency.

DH and I work oposit shifts. I work 8 AM to 4:30 PM and he leaves home at 7 PM and gets home at 6 AM the following morning. We don't have kids so that part is easy, but what really makes it work is that I work from home full time, so we see each other quite often. If/when we have kids, I expect to need a part time nanny for the mornings, so I can work and DH can sleep, and at that point I'll also consider if we need to higher a cleaner and/or a landscaper to free up our days off.

 

[mumom95]

Is it possible to have a full, happy relationship with two equally successful working people and things at home not drop?

I have several couples in my life going through this issue right now and it's going through my mind as well. I'll be entering the workforce again shortly working 10-12 hours a day and my husband working the same hours at night. I'm worried about our relationship and the household chores and stress but this is an opportunity I cannot say no to.

I have a good friend who is a dentist and her husband is a police officer. Her practice has been open a year and are in discussion about a baby. He expects her to take the baby to work everyday. She thinks if he is home(he works night) he can stay with the baby. Good luck with that discussion I know.

My SIL and her husband are in the same career field with the gov't. She works the same long hours and the same travel time and they are wanting to start their family soon. She has no idea what she is going to do because she doesn't want to give up her career and he doesn't either. I suggested a nanny.

Is it really possible to have a successful career, relationship, and household with two working, career driven people?

I think it depends on the couple. Some couples can pull it off, some can't.

It wouldn't work with my marriage. I'm too selfish with wanting a decent amount of time everday with husband. But I know quite a few couples that seem to have a great relationship even though they rarely see each other during the week.

It is like so many other things in life, you just have to figure out what works best for you. I'm not sure there is a right answer to this question. And often times you don't even know if it will work for you or not until you've done it for a while.

 

[eliza61]

Yeah, I got tired about having to leave instructions saying "when you're done with a dish, put it in the sink or dishwasher, don't leave it there...or "honey the laundry goes IN the hamper, not next to it."

see I see that as more of a control issue. LOL. or maybe I'm a lot more flexible. Is it really a cause for ww3 because a shirt is on the floor? If it's choice between attending my kids football game and have a dish in the sink, we'll pick the dishes not done in a minute and go to the football game.

My coworker berates her husband all the time because he doesn't do things "her way" and then can't understand why he eventually says "Fine, you do it"?

Me, I tried the SAHM thing for my first born and hated it. So I felt that I wasn't that great of a mother or a wife since I wanted my career.
but like I said, I'm way more flexible about my house being sparkling.

I've had great role models also. My Mom was an attorney, MIL is vice provost at a large university. My great aunt was a professional travel writer and traveled around the world in the 50's when she was the only women working for a major newspaper. All are/were happily married with 40 years plus and managed to raise terrific kids.

 

[castleview]

see I see that as more of a control issue. LOL. or maybe I'm a lot more flexible. Is it really a cause for ww3 because a shirt is on the floor? If it's choice between attending my kids football game and have a dish in the sink, we'll pick the dishes not done in a minute and go to the football game.

.

Trust me I'm not a neat freak, but DH puts me to shame. He brought a coat tree from his old apt. and put it in our bedroom to use as a "clothes tree." He'd stack and stack until it fell over...and never picked it up! He'd just start stacking clothes on the doorknob. I love him dearly, but he can just put the blinders on and ignore clutter around him. He is fabulous at the keeping the outdoors though.

 

[Freyja]

Yes! Where there is will, there´s a way! DH and I are both well educated, hard working, career driven people. DH owns his own business, I also own part in one and I work full time (and am going to college for my second graduate degree). We have 5 happy, well functioning children. We had been through quite a bit, and times have sometimes been very hard (we had our first child when I was 16) but we always manage to work it through

 

[MouseEarsJenny]

Yes. DH and I are both successful, full-time workers. We have two well-adjusted kids, and a household that runs pretty smoothly, although it could use a straightening up right now.

Your situation is different because you're working opposing hours, but I think it can still be done if you communicate. Good luck in your new job!

 

[FireDancer]

Like most things in life it depends on the people involved. I know one couple that consists of a CEO and neurosurgeon. They have 5 children and, at least so far, they are still married and the kids haven't shot up the school. I have never seen them bicker and when they have a problem they address it as you would expect two A-type personalities to. There are things in life I am very much an A person about and others I am not but I could see myself making it work.

There are other people who are unable to manage two things at once and they might have trouble. I also know people who fall apart at the slightest little thing and the unpredictability of the schedules of the people above would drive them insane.

I run with people who find the time to raise families and train for Ironman events and others that can't manage their time enough to have any life outside of the home.

The key is deciding on what you guys are capable of and going to do before you get married. In the end if you both actually want to make it work you will.