Is it ok to dislike your parents?

[browneyes106]

I have a cousin who is 20 and recently finished her second year of college and is hoping to become a respiratory therapist. She lives at home with her parents but doesn't get along well with my aunt and uncle. My aunt has mistreated her and her other kids for years. She is the type of person who has always to have everything exactly her way. A few years back when I was visiting them my aunt dragged my cousin to the dishwasher and screamed at her because she didn't put the bowls a certain way. There have been other times I have seen my aunt cut my cousin down for no good reason. The reason my cousin still lives at home is because she is a diabetic and in the past too much stress has caused her problems. But living at home is toxic. My cousin has told me several times in the past she dislikes her mom and really doesn't love her. My cousin is moving out in a week to live with her boyfriend. Her mom doesn't like that and is cutting my cousin down about it. Does anyone think it is ok for my cousin to dislike her mom?

 

[kacaju]

I think it is time for your cousin to move out.

 

[browneyes106]

I think it is time for your cousin to move out.

She is moving out next week. She also told me plans to be only be in contact with her when it is needed. Her older siblings all live out of state and are rarely in contact with their mom. My relatives and parents have confirmed this they all have all seen my aunt verbally abuse her kids. My uncle has mistreated my aunt for a long time another I have seen and my relatives have said. Basically my aunt has taken her anger out on her kids.

 

[newddmommie]

I've always felt that you don't have to like someone just becaues you're family. Love them in your heart, but you don't have to continue to have a relationship with them if you have reasons for not. I love my father, but i don't always like him. And that's okay.

 

[dislaney]

Yes it is okay. I love my family but there are a few I don't like at all.

 

[FireDancer]

Of course it is ok to dislike one or both parent. Love and respect has to be earned. If one or both of your parents are bad people or bad parents you don't have to love them just because they contributed half of your DNA.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have a cousin who is 20 and recently finished her second year of college and is hoping to become a respiratory therapist. She lives at home with her parents but doesn't get along well with my aunt and uncle. My aunt has mistreated her and her other kids for years. She is the type of person who has always to have everything exactly her way. A few years back when I was visiting them my aunt dragged my cousin to the dishwasher and screamed at her because she didn't put the bowls a certain way. There have been other times I have seen my aunt cut my cousin down for no good reason. The reason my cousin still lives at home is because she is a diabetic and in the past too much stress has caused her problems. But living at home is toxic. My cousin has told me several times in the past she dislikes her mom and really doesn't love her. My cousin is moving out in a week to live with her boyfriend. Her mom doesn't like that and is cutting my cousin down about it. Does anyone think it is ok for my cousin to dislike her mom?

Yes, more than OK. In fact if your cousin did not dislike her mother that would be even weirder. You should not "like" abuse.

I would have moved out earlier, then again my tolerance level for controlling people like that is ZERO.

 

[browneyes106]

Yes, more than OK. In fact if your cousin did not dislike her mother that would be even weirder. You should not "like" abuse.

I would have moved out earlier, then again my tolerance level for controlling people like that is ZERO.

I agree it would be weird if she didn't dislike her. In the past my cousin sort of put up with her mom's abuse because she blamed the way her mom was on the dad's mistreatment. My uncle has mistreated my aunt and has been the jealous type. My aunt sort of lives in a fantasy world in which she thinks eventually her marriage will become perfect. I feel they should have been divorced years ago but my aunt also plays the perfect Catholic role too much. We have a cousin who is a decon and he even said that some marriages really need to end. I think my cousin at one point accepted the mistreatment as a way of her moving letting her anger out. Eventually enough was enough for her. I would have also moved out earlier. The reason my cousin didn't move out was because she got a full scholarship to attend a community college. My cousin originally planned to transfer to a 4 year school after two years. My cousin almost moved out last year but didn't because she couldn't get housing at the 4 year school. Sometime after that she met her boyfriend who is very good to her. He lives about 40 miles away and my cousin already has a job working for his family's real estate business. Once my cousin moves in with him she will be commuting to classes. My cousin decided to become a respiratory therapist instead of a nurse because those jobs can be a bit more flexible and it would help my cousin deal with stress her diabetes better.

My cousin has done her best to tolerate her mom. Her mom isn't like that daily. Whenever my aunt and uncle are fighting my cousin in way ends up as the punching bag for my aunt.

 

[overlyspoiled4sure]

In a word, YES!! You can love your parents but dislike their actions. I hope your cousin, OP, moves out as fast as she can taking all her stuff with her. I can't imagine the stress she's under & that won't help her health problems. Hugs & prayers to your cousin!

My mom lied to me from the day I was born until the day she died; this from someone who always had to have the truth from us kids. If it hadn't been for my grandmother I never would have known the truth although my aunt has since said she would have told me the story but would have waited until after mom's death. I sort of lost some respect for her but knowing what I did helped me understand her; it even gave her doctor some insight & explained a few things.

 

[browneyes106]

Of course it is ok to dislike one or both parent. Love and respect has to be earned. If one or both of your parents are bad people or bad parents you don't have to love them just because they contributed half of your DNA.

That is good explanation. Sometimes people think that respect for parents and elders or authority figures always has to be automatic. I have seen parents, grandparents and teachers treat kids terribly for no reasons at all. I had teachers in high school who only respected the students that could pick up their subjects right away while the students who had trouble in class had no respect.

 

[browneyes106]

In a word, YES!! You can love your parents but dislike their actions. I hope your cousin, OP, moves out as fast as she can taking all her stuff with her. I can't imagine the stress she's under & that won't help her health problems. Hugs & prayers to your cousin!

My mom lied to me from the day I was born until the day she died; this from someone who always had to have the truth from us kids. If it hadn't been for my grandmother I never would have known the truth although my aunt has since said she would have told me the story but would have waited until after mom's death. I sort of lost some respect for her but knowing what I did helped me understand her; it even gave her doctor some insight & explained a few things.

My cousin should be out in a week. She has already taken a lot of her stuff to her bf's. My cousin is well prepared. She has money saved and is pretty much set up to get her associates in resp therapy by this time next year. I'm praying my cousin will eventually be a place where she knows what happiness is. Her boyfriend and his family have been good to her. The bf's mom grew up with a physically abusive dad and she has helped my cousin a lot.

 

[FireDancer]

That is good explanation. Sometimes people think that respect for parents and elders or authority figures always has to be automatic. I have seen parents, grandparents and teachers treat kids terribly for no reasons at all. I had teachers in high school who only respected the students that could pick up their subjects right away while the students who had trouble in class had no respect.

The bolded part is part of the explanation of why certain groups of people have been able to get away with abusing children for decades. It isn't your job, your relation to me, or your age that earns respect, it is your character IMO.

 

[browneyes106]

I've always felt that you don't have to like someone just becaues you're family. Love them in your heart, but you don't have to continue to have a relationship with them if you have reasons for not. I love my father, but i don't always like him. And that's okay.

My other cousins who are the siblings to the cousin I'm taking about don't have a relationship with their mom. One of the older sisters said that she doesn't even have love for her mom. The other sister and brother have said they do love their mom in a way but they don't like her as a person. The brother recently became a father for the first time. He is planning to come to our area in a couple of months so relatives can see his daughter he and his wife are staying in hotels and at different relatives' houses. He said that he wants his daughter to only have a minimal relationship with his meaning that his mom can only see his daughter at other relatives' homes or at their home and that his daughter will never be alone with the mom.

 

[browneyes106]

The bolded part is part of the explanation of why certain groups of people have been able to get away with abusing children for decades. It isn't your job, your relation to me, or your age that earns respect, it is your character IMO.

I agree that is part of the reason people have gotten away with abuse or certain forms of mistreatment in the past. Character should be taken in account first. The teacher I mentioned in the previous post pretty much got away with mistreating students and when people complained about him to the prinicpal or school board he used the whole" kids don't have respect" excuse. He was known to be rude to kids when they asked for help but no matter how much people complained about him he managed to keep his job.

 

[Monte Cristo]

Of course it is ok to dislike one or both parent. Love and respect has to be earned. If one or both of your parents are bad people or bad parents you don't have to love them just because they contributed half of your DNA.

I am not sure I agree with all of this....my mother/father/daugher don't have to earn my love. They may have to earn respect, but love is different. It's intrinsic to our relationship.

 

[FireDancer]

I am not sure I agree with all of this....my mother/father/daugher don't have to earn my love. They may have to earn respect, but love is different. It's intrinsic to our relationship.

There are members of my family I loved when I was a kid and didn't know any better. When I got older and found out the kind of people they were I stopped loving them and couldn't care any less about them at this point. Just because they are related to me doesn't mean I will unconditionally love them.

So yes, the love of your parents when you are a kid is intrinsic to the relationship but once you are an adult I don't think it is. It is hard to lose but not impossible IMO.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, it's okay!

Feelings are always valid.

As long as she learns to deal with it in effective and positive ways.
And, as long as this doesn't mean that her actions give her any reason to feel responsible or bad for her own behaviors in the situation.

Yes, it's okay.....

 

[bumbershoot]

Of course it is ok to dislike one or both parent. Love and respect has to be earned. If one or both of your parents are bad people or bad parents you don't have to love them just because they contributed half of your DNA.

I agree.

Whenever my aunt and uncle are fighting my cousin in way ends up as the punching bag for my aunt.

Thank goodness she's getting out.

DH stopped his college career before finishing his 2nd year b/c he felt he had to be at home to protect his mom. My half-brothers seem to be doing the same, just hanging around the house to make sure my dad doesn't do anything. But the sad thing is, with males, having young strapping men around seems to make abusive dads worse...that's just in DH's and my experience with our own particular fathers, though.

None of them have a whole college career b/c of the mistaken idea that their moms are children who need to be taken care of...

I'm glad your cousin is leaving and taking over her OWN life. Mom's a grownup.

There are members of my family I loved when I was a kid and didn't know any better. When I got older and found out the kind of people they were I stopped loving them and couldn't care any less about them at this point. Just because they are related to me doesn't mean I will unconditionally love them.

So yes, the love of your parents when you are a kid is intrinsic to the relationship but once you are an adult I don't think it is. It is hard to lose but not impossible IMO.

I agree with that as well!

 

[browneyes106]

I also agree with FireDancer's recent post. There were a few relatives that I loved as a kid but as I got older I saw and found out thing about them and I eventually got to dislike them too.

I'm glad my cousin is getting out. She said she wishes she would have moved out after she graduated high school but she is not going to worry about it. She does have some worries about her mom since she will still be living close by. I do worry about her mom trying to hurt her in some way because my cousin doesn't plan to move out of state. Her siblings all live out of state. Two live in Oklahoma and one lives in Texas. I mentioned in my previous they really don't have a relationship with their mom when they come for visits they stay elsewhere and only go over to see her for a few hours. All three offered my cousin to stay with them but she declined because she didn't want to pay out of state tutition etc.

 

[worm761]

I am not sure I agree with all of this....my mother/father/daugher don't have to earn my love. They may have to earn respect, but love is different. It's intrinsic to our relationship.

I did not love my mother. Her favorite past time when we were kids was to turn either my or my older sister black and blue. And then scream at us for crying. We were also grounded until the bruises went away so no one saw. My older brother and my younger sister could do no wrong. She had an evil streak in her that was not pretty. There is no love from a child to a parent that is abusive. When I stood up to her as an adult, she disowned me. That was probably the best thing she ever did for me. Unfortunately, I was not sad when she died. For those who have not survived abuse, you will never understand. Love is not a given.