Is it ok to dislike your parents?

[Wishing on a star]

She does have some worries about her mom since she will still be living close by. I do worry about her mom trying to hurt her in some way because my cousin doesn't plan to move out of state.

Do you mean really 'hurt'...
As in cause physical harm or harassment and other real harm?

Is it possible that, being the last sibling to move out ( read: 'abandon' her mother ) this could push her mother over the edge....
Making your cousin a real target?

Information is power....
Even though your cousin is not out of state, she could maintain a good distance, and her mother does not need to know her address.

Something tells me, however, that even as an adult, your cousin is not going to be able to make a real 'break'.

 

[C.Ann]

With a valid reason, yes.. But quite frankly, I have seen some excuses on here that are simply that - "excuses".. To stop loving a parent because she gave Johnny a cookie at 4 p.m. - or to despise your father because he's in poor health and might need your assistance, just blows me away..

However, in the case of your cousin, it sounds like she has some valid reasons for wanting to leave home - and it would probably be best if she did.. Who knows? Maybe when mom and daughter or no longer living together the situation will get better.. There's always hope..

 

[wdwfan16]

No parent ever has the right to verbally abuse their children. She can love her mother but hate the person she is. I am glad she is moving out. Time to live her own life.

 

[browneyes106]

Do you mean really 'hurt'...
As in cause physical harm or harassment and other real harm?

Is it possible that, being the last sibling to move out ( read: 'abandon' her mother ) this could push her mother over the edge....
Making your cousin a real target?

Information is power....
Even though your cousin is not out of state, she could maintain a good distance, and her mother does not need to know her address.

Something tells me, however, that even as an adult, your cousin is not going to be able to make a real 'break'.

For "hurt" I mean harrassement. Her mom will likely know her address but I don't think she would show up to where my cousin is going to live. My cousin and her boyfriend are moving in a duplex unit owned by his family. The are two other duplexes surrounding that unit which are owned by the family. My cousin and her bf would be around to deal with maintance or issues the tenants may have. I also fear that my cousin moving may push my aunt over the edge.

 

[disneyfans95]

I have a cousin who is 20 and recently finished her second year of college and is hoping to become a respiratory therapist. She lives at home with her parents but doesn't get along well with my aunt and uncle. My aunt has mistreated her and her other kids for years. She is the type of person who has always to have everything exactly her way. A few years back when I was visiting them my aunt dragged my cousin to the dishwasher and screamed at her because she didn't put the bowls a certain way. There have been other times I have seen my aunt cut my cousin down for no good reason. The reason my cousin still lives at home is because she is a diabetic and in the past too much stress has caused her problems. But living at home is toxic. My cousin has told me several times in the past she dislikes her mom and really doesn't love her. My cousin is moving out in a week to live with her boyfriend. Her mom doesn't like that and is cutting my cousin down about it. Does anyone think it is ok for my cousin to dislike her mom?

I think you only have one side of the story. Sorry but you might have no idea how your cousin in to her parents. You are just going with one side and your cousin could be a real $^^%^ and her parents are trying to get her to act like a responsible adult.

Now, mabye the facts are all true. But in the end it sounds like your cousin is barely out of her teen years and lord knows that is all about angst and hormones. So lets give it a few years to let things settle out.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Yes--it is okay to not like a parent. It is okay to not love a parent. Now whether or not the reasons are rational and justified--I'm not her, so I can't say.

I dislike my dad. I have tried on occasion to do something about it. Unfortunately he is a person that I cannot respect and his wife is even worse.

I have complained on occasion on the boards, but I won't hash it out here. I will say that one time, I aired grievances--he validated several things I suspected were true and that some were not right. He soar he would work address each one, but alas he has not. I don't care anymore.

Recently his wife publicly chastised me for not accepting her friend invite on facebook, then he and she made some lame joke about me not befriending old people. I was a bit inflames by this, but held my tongue and did not say what I wanted to say. It was my dd's baptism and my children enjoy their company in small doses. I cringe that we live so close to them now.

Don't begrudge someone for not liking their parents. It is okay they feel that way and not your place to convince them otherwise unless they are practically begging for help to fix that feeling.

 

[ugadog99]

The bolded part is part of the explanation of why certain groups of people have been able to get away with abusing children for decades. It isn't your job, your relation to me, or your age that earns respect, it is your character IMO.

Absolutely!

 

[browneyes106]

I think you only have one side of the story. Sorry but you might have no idea how your cousin in to her parents. You are just going with one side and your cousin could be a real $^^%^ and her parents are trying to get her to act like a responsible adult.

Now, mabye the facts are all true. But in the end it sounds like your cousin is barely out of her teen years and lord knows that is all about angst and hormones. So lets give it a few years to let things settle out.

In my first post and other posts I said that my aunt mistreated her other kids. My relatives and I have witnessed her verbally abusing her kids for years now. The other kids have us about what would go on at home. Some of the stuff we witnessed her say and do was uncalled for. The three older siblings don't really have a relationship with their mom and they are barely in contact with her. My cousin is very responsible and she works and attends school.

 

[MomofKatie]

I love my father because he gave me life. I don't respect him, though, and don't like him as a person. If he wasn't my dad, I would never want to have anything to do with him.

I both love and like my mom as a person. She would be a friend, even if she wasn't related to me.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

I love my father because he gave me life. I don't respect him, though, and don't like him as a person. If he wasn't my dad, I would never want to have anything to do with him.

I both love and like my mom as a person. She would be a friend, even if she wasn't related to me.

This was my situation as well. My father has always been verbally abusive and even though I am 40 years old, he can still bring me to tears with just a few cutting words. My Mother passed away last year and I miss her more every day. She was not just my Mom but also my close friend and I was blessed to be able to take care of her for a dozen years before she passed. My father has gotten worse since my Mom died and it is very hard to even talk to him anymore. I literally cringe when my phone rings and I see it is him. I only keep in touch with my Dad out of some sense of respect for my Mom and also because of my beliefs (the whole "Honor thy parents" thing).

My father has also alienated my children with his own hurtful words to them. He had the nerve to tell my children (age 15 and 10 at the time) that it was their fault that their Grandmother was dead! He told them that she died because we moved away. DD11 is completely traumatized from this and absolutely refuses to talk to him on the phone and begs not to have to go visit him.

I love my father because he is my father but I have lost all respect for him as a person. His love was always conditional towards me - never unconditional. A parent shouldn't treat their children that way. I pray I never do that to my own kids.

OP - sounds like the best thing for your cousin to do is get out and move on with her life. I know it is hard but she needs to try to not let her mother get to her or at least not let her mother SEE that she gets to her. Good luck to her!

 

[SandrA9810]

Your cousin has probably received so much emotional abuse from her mother, that she probably felt she couldn't move out. Sometimes when a parent is in that position, they don't want any one to leave because then they won't have any one to yell at. It also amazes me how parents like that expect their children to take care of them when they get old too.

She has every right to not like her mother. She might care for her as a person, but not love her as a mother. Can you really expect differently though??

 

[mumom95]

There are bad people in the world. And those people are always someone's child, and often times someone's parent.

It's ok to dislike bad people. In fact, it's probably healthy to dislike bad people.

 

[diznygirl]

I am not sure I agree with all of this....my mother/father/daugher don't have to earn my love. They may have to earn respect, but love is different. It's intrinsic to our relationship.

You have to give love to get love. It's not automatic. It doesn't sound like
the Aunt is giving her daughter any love. That's sad. But I don't blame the OP's cousin for not wanting a relationship with her.

 

[kirstenb1]

There are bad people in the world. And those people are always someone's child, and often times someone's parent.

It's ok to dislike bad people. In fact, it's probably healthy to dislike bad people.

totally agree. I'm very cautious about who I trust---it is very few people. Once trust is broken, for me, it can't be reclaimed.

 

[dldwmom]

The posts on this thread have been very helpful to me, and shows that it is never too late. At 43, my parents are still very hurtful, and disrespectful, and the post have me the courage to stop interaction. I have said things in the past, but have been put down for my comments. Enough is enough. It is never too late just to get on with things.

 

[Imzadi]

Does anyone think it is ok for my cousin to dislike her mom?

OP, how old are you? You know the answer to this yourself. You've been witnessing the abuse. I just wonder why you need to ask? Do either of you feel the need for permission or approval before she can NOT like her parents?

There was a great line in True Blood, a couple weeks ago, "He may be kin, but he's not family."

 

[SandrA9810]

It could be her cousin going to her for advice and reassurance of what she'd doing is right. Sometimes it takes a whole line of people to say "you're right for doing this". With the abuse the aunt gives, the cousin has probably been made to believe this will be the worst decision of her life.

 

[Planogirl]

The posts on this thread have been very helpful to me, and shows that it is never too late. At 43, my parents are still very hurtful, and disrespectful, and the post have me the courage to stop interaction. I have said things in the past, but have been put down for my comments. Enough is enough. It is never too late just to get on with things.

I have a "difficult" mother. Sometimes it's best for everyone to cut all ties, at least for a while.

 

[browneyes106]

OP, how old are you? You know the answer to this yourself. You've been witnessing the abuse. I just wonder why you need to ask? Do either of you feel the need for permission or approval before she can NOT like her parents?

There was a great line in True Blood, a couple weeks ago, "He may be kin, but he's not family."

It could be her cousin going to her for advice and reassurance of what she'd doing is right. Sometimes it takes a whole line of people to say "you're right for doing this". With the abuse the aunt gives, the cousin has probably been made to believe this will be the worst decision of her life.

The situation with my cousin's family is very complicated. When my uncle married my aunt things seemed ok to my relatives after awhile they noticed that he would verbally abuse my aunt and he was the jealous type would accuse her of crazy stuff. My relatives witnessed this and my aunt confided into them what was going on. They tried to help before my aunt and uncle started their family. It ended up becoming a bad ripple effect. My uncle would mistreat and verbally abuse my aunt and then she would do the same to the kids. My relatives began witnessing this and they didn't know how to help and likely none of us will ever be able to help my aunt or uncle. We have been able to help my cousins through support. I think my cousin sort of has been seeking advice to be reassured that she isn't wrong to feel the way she does. The situation is hard to deal with and respond because of the roots of the problem. I have a deaf friend who has physically and verbally abused her father and she said she doesn't love or like her father. With her situation it was easy to understand. But with my cousins it is complicated because sometimes I find myself having some sympathy for my aunt because of the abusive situation she got into with my uncle. I'm 25 and my cousin is 19 she has sought advice from me and a couple of other cousins and we all sometimes don't have clear answers for her .

 

[rszdtrvl]

DH lives one hour away from his mother, and we have no idea where his father lives. All we know is that it is probably somewhere in Idaho. He has a PO box, and it is in a different city than the one he lives in.

In the past, I have told DH he has to call his parents on holidays (birthdays, mothers day, fathers day, Christmas, etc.).

Every time he calls them, he ends up frustrated, so I told him that I am going to give it a true effort not to nag him to call them. I know that they think he doesn't call because I don't want him to, and it is the opposite - HE doesn't want to.

His mother is coming up next week and spending 2 nights here. It is going to take a real effort for all of us to tolerate it. But that will probably be the last visit for a long time (and the last time she visited was over 2 years ago).

His family is toxic, and he knows it. I need to not try to shove him into it.

So, I would say "yes" it is okay to dislike your parents. Be it for whatever reason.