Is it O.K. for 14 yr. old girls to stay overnight @ a boys house ?

[Lanshark]

I would have been extremely upset had these parents not informed me of this arrangement beforehand and allowed me to decide what was best for my child.

 

[Regina]

The reason that you don't get calls from the other parents in these situations is because they don't see anything wrong with it. I can guarantee that when you speak to them, they'll get annoyed with you for thinking that it's inappropriate.

Be proud of your son for letting you know about this. It shows that he is aware that it's not a good situation to be placed in.

 

[SeaShelley]

Originally posted by Freyja
My best friend, whom I´ve been best friends with since I was 13 years old, is a boy. Now, I´m 25 and he is 30.

When you were 13 your parents allowed you to be "best friends" with an 18 year old boy? That's one relationship, as a parent myself, I would have SERIOUS reservations about.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Maybe I read the op wrong, but I don't think you're really talking about a co-ed sleepover. Her son's friend has sisters who also had their girlfriends sleep over on the same night. Different room and all. When we were kids this happened all the time. If my sons had a friend sleep over, I wouldn't call the parents to tell them my dd was also having a guest that night. What is the difference between your son's friend's sisters and their friends. If your son sleeps at his friends house his sisters are female teenagers and they are there.
Really this is the least likely place kids are going to have sex, and most teenage girls freak out at the thought of their friends liking their brothers and their brothers friends. If anything were to happen it would be giggling and sneaking in to paint the boys nails or put lipstick on them and stuff like that.
Co-ed sleepovers are another thing. This would be where the boy invites girl and guy friends over and they all sleep together on the floor in the same room. I could see parents having a problem with that. I too did lots of church things where everybody slept over. There would be chaperones and a girls side of the room or a seperate room and a guys side. Mostly nobody slept at all, especially not the chaperones.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Oops, I just went back and re-read the op. I would have been upset at them not asking you first. Sorry. I might have allowed it at my house for an unusual circumstance if all the parents knew. For example, we live in a shore town and tons of people come to see fireworks on fourth of july. I let a mixed group sleep over with guys in one room girls in another, after checking with all the parents and having them give their kids the rules.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

I agree that the OP should have been better informed by her DS's friends's parents.

But, I too, am curious about sleepovers where the individual has a sibling of the opposite sex. The posters who have said NO WAY, have not addressed this. My best friend growing up was one year younger than me, her brother was one year older than me. So I was really friends with both of them. When I slept over her house (where I practically lived, as I considered her family my second family), her brother usually would also have a friend sleep over and yes we would all interact, whether it was to play a game or watch a movie. I guess I should also say that I had a crush on my best friend's brother and he was my first kiss (at the ripe age of 5 ). So given all that, was my mom a horrible parent for allowing me to stay there?

 

[delikado]

Yikes, this is probably the reason why my mom NEVER let me spend the night at another person's house, EVER! (And before you judge, I turned out normal, I swear! ) Whenever I asked her if I could spend the night at a friend's house, she would always say no and suggest that we have the sleepover at my house, if possible.

Maybe my mom's strict rules have really taken root in me, but I agree with the posters who said that they would not let their child attend a co-ed slumber party. While it's true that kids will find ways and means to fool around if they want to, I don't see why parents should provide them with opportunities for that kind of behavior. Even if they're all just friends, I think most (if not all) of us can attest to the fact that at that age, rampaging hormones can blur the lines a bit. I'm not saying that teenagers think about making out and sex 24/7 (I certainly didn't!), but when parents put their children in a situation where there are members of the opposite sex and beds/sofas nearby, you're taking the chance that something might happen.

Of course if you, as a parent, feel like you trust your child enough to allow him/her to participate in a co-ed sleepover, then more power to you! That kind of trust in great to see in a parent-child relationship. But if you ask me, I'd rather not take the chance.

ETA: As far as the sibling issue goes, I don't think I would allow my son and daughter (if I had both) to have sleepovers at the same time. That would just be more kids that I'd like to handle!

 

[HoneyPooh]

Yep, those parents should have phoned you and made sure it was okay with you that boys and girls would both be spending the night since this wasn't a situation where they were all siblings.

The whole discussion about whether it's okay to have co-ed sleep overs is another discussion all together. In this case the only thing that matters is whether you were okay with it, which you obviously were not.

I would be sure to watch your wording when you speak to the parents because they obviously find no problem with it and would probably not take kindly to you telling them you think it's bad parenting or anything. Just let them know you are not comfortable with it for your son and would have appreciated a heads up so that you could have made the decision yourself.

My only opinion on the rest of it is, as my DH is fond of saying:
"give them a good launching pad and they will fly straight and true". (he likes to use rocket metaphores )

 

[Keli]

I do not like co-ed sleepovers per say but my dd has a couple good friends that have brothers. I have let Ashli spend the night at their houses many times and quite frankly, never gave it a thought. Of course my dd hasn't ever had the situation where she liked one of the friends bothers or their friends in a romantic way so that hasn't ever been a part of the equation. But if a young man invited Ashli to spend the night at his house, whether there were other kids, parents, sisters, I don't care who else there the answer would be a resounding NO. The difference is in who is Ashli's friend and who she's actually going to be spending the time with.

I have 7 siblings and so I grew up with this type of situation all the time. We had people in an out of our house all day, every day for all of our teenage years. My brothers would have friends spend the night at the same time we girls would have friends but nothing and I do mean NOTHING was going on. Plus my mom is a night owl and always stayed up until everyone had gone to sleep.

 

[believe]

I have to say NO! I know individuals have said kids will find a way around this and have sex anyway, but why should you give them the opportunity. That is like leaving your house unlocked for a robber, if they are going to rob your house they will find a way.
As for sleepovers with opposite sex siblings, I think I would even question this one. We shall see what happens as my DDs get older, but at this time even that would be a NO!

 

[dtuleya]

Originally posted by jipsy
Did it ever occur to anyone that MomE@Home's son might have been asked by the parents of the other boy "Have you told your parents these girls are spending the night?" and he told them "Oh, my parents won't mind." So perhaps they took him at his word and didn't think it was necessary to call.

Sorry, not trying to flame, but in this day and age that doesn't sit well with me. I always cover my behind by talking with my son's friends parents so that I know what to expect. If it was me, I would have called the parents directly myself. My son and his friends are great kids, but come on, they are kids, they are not adults and sometimes make bad choices. It's not that I don't trust kids, but being one myself once a long time ago I don't set myself up for potential problems with other parents.

 

[Beauty]

I've thought about this some more and every time I was at a co-ed sleepover there were always a bunch of us. There was never just me and a boy...The closest to that was spending the night with my best friend and her brother having a friend spend the night. We were older by a few years and her little brother and his friend were NERDS at the time so the possibility of ANYTHING happening was -0-. The rest of the time it was always a large group of us and we were chaperoned.

Right now John-Cole has a very close girl friend. They often do things together and John-Cole has gone on day trips with them to water parks and such. Honestly if Ali's mom called and said "We are leaving out really early in the morning and it would just be easier if J.C. stayed the night" I wouldn't have a problem at all with it. Not now at the age of 12.....in a few years....again when puberty hits I don't think I would allow it. The key word being "think" I honestly don't know yet. I guess I will have to be put in that situation before I can honestly make that decision. I had a good friend who was too sheltered growing up. She wasn't allowed to go to the church camps etc. and it really hurt her as a person. She was 26 before she had her first kiss. I never ever want that to be the case with my child. I've seen first hand how emotionally damaging parents who are TOO OVERLY PROTECTIVE of their kids can be. I'm definatly not saying ANYONE here is that way just saying my experience. My mom on the other hand gave me tremendous amounts of trust. I was allowed to go to concerts and to sleep overs. I was brought up in church (my mom has always been the pianoist) and I was brought up with morals. I am happy to say that I never broke my mother's trust. I didn't have sex, do drugs etc. on any of these outings that she allowed. I respected MYSELF and my mom to much to allow this. I would like to HOPE that I can be half the parent that she was and can allow John-Cole freedoms and fun that I had as a teenager and still have the kind of trust with him that I had with my mom.

 

[Beth E. (NJ)]

My daughters are 8 1/2 and almost 5 so I'm not near the teenage years yet. I think I would lean towards saying no, but it would depend on the kids involved, the parents involved and the supervision. I think it is different if it is a bunch of friends or if it is a bunch of boyfriends and girlfriends.

When I was a teenager I was in my temple's youthgroup. We used to travel around the state a few weekends a year for mixers. You would stay in other people's homes.

I remember there was one in our temple and we took in a few kids. You could request all girls, all boys or a mixed bunch. We had the mixed bunch. Everyone spread out their sleeping bags in the living room and stayed together in the one room. Perhaps my advanced age has fogged my brain (I'm only 8 months from 40!) but I remember it being a totally innocent weekend.

 

[Robinrs]

I think it all depends. I agree with the poster who said that overnight sleepovers do not equate "sex" necessarily because I have two family members who were pregnant by age 14 and both occurred during the day... ... oyyyy... what I don't like is the choice the parents made in not informing everyone involved's parent.

All parents do not think alike and we could lose our minds expecting them to. I do expect my child to let me know and call me once he got there, though.

I was a very Asexual teenager while my sister was... well, NOT. My Mom knew us both very well. If the offer was for me she would thought nothing of it, for my sister she would put her foot down. Children are different, not that I would be all that trusting of the other children who might influence them, but some children you can trust more than others.

For MY kid, Mr. Oooh La La will NEVER go to a coed sleepover, to protect the females in the group... ...even at 10 he's WAAAY too hormonal.

 

[LadyAurora]

At first, the thought of a co-ed sleepover makes me say NO WAY. But on second thought, most of the girls I had sleepovers with in school had brothers. And my stepsons usually do sleepovers with their cousin, who has a sister. Of course, the girl is also their cousin but if my nephew or niece also invite friends, that would be considered co-ed I guess. I know that my sister in law (the crazy one that is willing to host these sleepovers) stays up all night.
So what is the answer? I guess now that the boys are reaching pre-teen age rolleyes: ) we will definitely think twice about sleepovers where there are girls in the house. Because even though you might think the boys or girls have no interest in each other, I remember from my own youth how often that can change!

 

[disykat]

As a parent, I am never going to let the "he's going to do it anyway" mentality change the basic rules I set. I will say no to having coed sleepovers as a form of entertainment. If there is a reason - like parents being out of town - I see that as different from having a pajama party just for kicks.

It is up to the parent to set the rules. That doesn't mean the parent has their head it the sand as to whether they will always be kept. When my boys play ball, I warn them not to chase after balls into the street. Realistically I know that they may run into the street at some point, but they won't do it on my watch - and I won't just say it's inevitable so why bother telling them not to or setting rules about it.

I will not worry about brothers. I had a brother who even came out and slept with us when I had friends over and we slept outside. There is NO WAY I would have left my friend alone with my brother - she was there with me. A party where there happens to be a boy in the house is way different than a party where boys were invited IMO.

 

[peg2001]

I've been reading this thread and I just had to post the following.

My DD went to a sleepover just 2 weeks ago and I found out the next morning that she slept in the same bed as her friend's brother.

I was fine with it. . .

probably because DD is 6 and her friend's brother is 4. He didn't want to be left out so 2 girls were tucked into the main bed and he and my DD were put on the trundle.

Sorry, just had to include that story. Back to the OP, I would not be happy to find out that my child was at a co-ed sleepover at that age.

Peggy

 

[msdznyduck]

Absolutely not!! I have 13 yr old dd and 15 yr old ds. I always call the parents and talk to them to make sure there are adults there (parents, not just over 18)....I was young once too, even though they think not !!
My ds would never hang out with his little sister's friends at a sleepover, and she would be forbidden to hang out with him and his friends if they were sleeping over. (she may want to just because the only other people in the house are mom and dad, and heaven knows, we are the most uninteresting people she knows....ha ha)

 

[BrerMom]

Originally posted by peg2001
I've been reading this thread and I just had to post the following.

My DD went to a sleepover just 2 weeks ago and I found out the next morning that she slept in the same bed as her friend's brother.

I was fine with it. . .

Funny, funny, funny!

Yes, the parents dropped the ball by not informing other parents since there was a girlfriend involved.

When my DD had her slumber party, was I supposed to ask her brothers to go find a place to stay all night?

I usually fall on the side of "no way," but I've been the advisor for way too many over-night school fieldtrips to get upset about it. I think the term coed sleepover may suggest that it's a sleepover specifically for boy/girlfriends. I can think of several friends' houses that I wouldn't have a problem with it, given different sleeping rooms, because I know the parents and the kids. It's really not any different than the lock-ins the same kids have at church, just supervised by parents. (the key here being supervised.)

 

[susy]

Your son may not have known the girls were sleeping over, but eventually (when it got very late) he knew it. I'm sure they must have mentioend in the course of their conversation during the evening that they were staying over. I think you should speak with the other boy's parents and also with your son's girlfriend's parents. If this is the kind of thing you don't want your son doing, then you should let them know up front, so they are very clear about where you stand. I really have a hard time believing that at least "some" making out did not occur during the evening. Was one of the parents up all night supervising? I remember when I was 16 and slept over my friend's house that her brother would sneak his friends into the house. We heard them , but her mom slept through it all.